The football’s on, we’ve coupled up with Love Island again and cinema is back, ah sweet normality, it’s good to see you again. Whilst England’s place in the Euros remains to be seen, at the very least we know it’s coming home for tv and film.

From The Handmaid’s Tale Season 4, the police dramas we only just got round to watching nearly a decade later (mother of god) and this summer’s cinematic must-sees, here’s a recap of the latest tv shows and movies we’ve been watching on the big screen and the medium screen, as a reward for how shit the tiny screen makes us feel.

Nothing strips down your entire existence quite so ruthlessly as a family of glowing rectangles, does it? Here’s what we’ve been cancelling all social plans to watch lately.

Larrese’s Picks

Line of Duty

Mother of god, I’m embarrassingly late to the police drama party but when season 6 was trending a few months back, I thought I may as well see what all the fuss is about once and for all, so I got fully acquainted with the AC12 gang. I don’t know what kept me all these years. I’d seen snippets and some spoilers on Goggle Box (mainly the Trump cameo) so I knew the main premise of the series but not enough for it to ruin the show for me. The cast are brilliant together – Hastings, Kate and Arnott have my heart. I recently discovered Martin Compston is Scottish which blew my mind and made me fancy him even more. His London accent is ridiculously good. PS I’ll never misspell definitely ever again.

Peter Rabbit 2: The Runaway

No YOU went to the cinema the day it opened on your own to watch a children’s film. I don’t think I appreciated how much I loved going to the cinema before the pandemic. It’s the only way to get me to sit and actually watch a film. If I’m at home, I’m on my phone replying to emails or mindlessly scrolling, so the cinema is the perfect place to force me to sit still, switch off from the small screen and treat myself to the pure uninterrupted joy of the big screen. Admittedly, there wasn’t a great deal of choice so I was forced to watch Peter Rabbit 2, really (cough, liar, cough), and I loved it, not quite as much as the first one – that was a bit more cottagecore fluff, this one was a little more action bunny, but wholesome viewing nonetheless.

Anne With An E

The perfect tv comfort food for a rainy day. The Netflix original is an adaptation inspired by the Anne of Green Gables book series by L.M. Montgomery. It’s a coming-of-age story about a young fearless Canadian orphan trying to find her place in the world. She’s mistakingly sent to live with siblings Marilla and Matthew Cuthbert, where she transforms the lives of everyone she meets with her exuberance and wild imagination. Actress Amybeth McNulty is perfectly cast as the spirited anti-heroine, Anne Shirley. Her talent alone makes the series impossible not to binge, as does the stunning backdrop of Prince Edward Island. I feel a trip to Canada coming on… when we’re allowed.

Mare of Easttown

Adding this in as a tv series I’m currently trying to get into but can’t promise I’ll finish… does it get better, guys?! I’ve heard great things about it and Kate Winslet is in it so it’s gotta be worth a watch, surely? But the first episode just didn’t rock my world. Something’s not quite reeling me in so, I’ll probably finish watching it on my deathbed along with all the other iconic films and tv shows I’ve missed. RIP Grey’s Anatomy.

The Bold Type

Forever wishing I’m a Sutton, completely gutted that I’m a Tiny Jane through and through. I loved everything about this show. Even Pinstripe. Fancied him in a major way – I don’t make the rules. The alchemy between the three characters, Kat, Sutton and Jane is what saves this show from veering into the glossy, media gal rom-com archetype. Yes, it’s wildly unrealistic – Jane writes one article a week, always takes a lunch break and reports directly to her Editor in chief who cancels Beyonce to be a shoulder for Tiny Jane and is a treadmill marching angel – but the love story shared between these three gal pals is what kept my subscription to Scarlet magazine going strong.

Danielle’s Picks

The Handmaids Tale – Season 4

Even though I’m only 3 episodes into the latest season I had to put this series in my choices as I’ve been gagging for it to come out for months! I always used to think the premise of this show sounded too depressing and macabre but as soon as I gave it a go I was hooked. The women portrayed in this show whether you love them or hate them are f***ing epic, every performance is so ridiculously good. The new season is a refreshing step change from the previous 3 (I don’t want to give away any spoilers) but it feels like it could go in any direction right now and it’s SO exciting.

Loki

I’m always a sucker for a Marvel series, especially as it’s something I can enjoy with my partner Harry. We watched WandaVision and loved it, they’re like watching a 6-hour movie dedicated to one character. Anything Marvel produces is usually packed full of humour, twists & turns, easter eggs, and great storylines and Loki is no different. The series takes place after Loki steals the tesseract in End Game and he’s brought to the TVA (Time Variance Authority) after an alternate version of Loki created a new timeline. Owen Wilson stars in the new series and he’s as lovable as ever. Definitely recommend giving it a go if you’re into the ol’ MCU.

RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars 6

It’s back, back, back, back, back again! Obviously, I’ve smashed the series 13, the UK series 2 and Down Under already this year but you best believe but All-Stars has my heart. I love seeing queens come back and show how much they’ve improved, with elevated looks and vibes. The challenges are top tier, and I love the format of the queens voting each other off. If you’ve never watched RuPaul’s Drag Race what the hell are you doing with your life? This series I’m rooting for Raja O’hara, I love everything she’s shown so far and I’m glad she’s getting that redemption after being too caught up in the competitiveness of her season.

Bo Burnham: Inside

Wow, what a masterpiece. Bo Burnham creates genius musical comedy specials and has done for years but this one hits different. Bo wrote, directed, filmed, and edited the whole thing from a tiny apartment over the year we all has to stay inside. it touches on his mental health over the course of the year, as well as his feelings doing stand up before the pandemic, the dangers of how addictive digital is for all of us especially young adults, and of course Jeff Bezos and his mighty wealth. This special really holds a mirror up to society and points out so many ugly truths we’re just not talking enough about, but it also pokes light-hearted fun at topics like sexting and ‘white women’s Instagram’ accounts (yes I felt very attacked). Urge you to give this one a watch!

Charlotte’s Picks

Cruella

This was my first cinema trip since Christmas when I managed to squeeze a visit in between lockdowns and boy oh boy was I excited. I managed to see Cruella just before it left cinemas and I so wish I had been sooner because it was one of those films I could easily have gone and watched again the next day. I love both Emma Stone and Emma Thompson (special mentions to The Amazing Spiderman and Love Actually) at the best of times so seeing them be the boss ass b*tches they are on screen together was such a joy. The plot was imaginative, surprising and sprinkled with plenty of humour, wit and simply everything I hoped for and more. I always love admiring the costume department of any film I watch and the emphasis on fashion in Cruella wasn’t something I was really anticipating but really blew me away. As a fashion graduate I loved the rivalry between Cruella and the Baroness who gave me total Miranda Priestly of The Devil Wears Prada vibes. 10/10 recommend and will be watching again soon on Disney+!

Love Island

You either love it or you love to hate it but I for one am overjoyed to have this trashy, addictiveness back on my screen! I think I was in the minority of loving winter Love Island so I had my fix more recently than those who skipped out that season, but I am still thrilled that it is FINALLY back. It really needs no introductions but I am already living for the memes, TikToks and group chats popping off every episode- the country is united and it’s all thanks to terrible flirting and cringe chat ups lines on ITV2- who would have thought it?!

Too Hot To Handle

I’ve got love on the brain and also live in a house of 4 girls so of course Netflix hit THTH has been on our TV at every given opportunity. I don’t know how I feel about this show, despite how much I’d heard about it, and mostly find the combination of Americans and Brits mixing (amongst other nationalities too) extremely jarring for some reason, ha. I also just find the whole concept so odd- like, if some of these people genuinely can’t go even one day without kissing or sleeping together then surely that’s a major problem?? It feels so bizarre to me, and I know a lot of it is probably put on for the cameras but seriously I would be so annoyed as a contestant who could easily stick to the rules when money is involved to have others throw it away for the sake of some heavy petting in a bedroom surrounded by strangers. Get a grip people!

Darcey’s Picks

Believe Me: The Abduction of Lisa McVey

(TW sexual assault) If you like a true-crime documentary, this is really one to sink your teeth in. Based on true events, it relives the kidnapping of Lisa McVey who narrowly escapes her kidnapper. However, and this is the big twist in the story, no one initially believed her. They said she must have been making it up because her story was too detailed (wtf?). I find films and series based on true events fascinating, and I massively admired the bravery of such a young girl who had been kidnapped and sexually assaulted. It’s an uncomfortable watch at times, but you are glued to the screen as she slowly convinces the people around her that this happened and fights to get who did it bought to justice. There’s a big twist too, which again is mind-blowing to think this is true and if she hadn’t persevered to get him caught he would have stayed on the streets hurting more and more women. Would absolutely recommend to any fellow true-crime lovers.

Sweet Tooth

I loved this series so much! Sometimes felt a bit close to home as it centres around a virus that made everyone sick (we are all potentially over this narrative now ha, although it is based of a comic from 2009), however this series is all about the ‘hybrid’ children that were born from this, who are half human and half animal. This series follows Gus who is a hybrid with a deer, so he has very cute antlers but also possesses abilities deers have like night vision etc! I don’t want to give too much away but I really enjoyed this series, I felt so many emotions while watching this and was really rooting for little Gus and his quest. It’s an easy watch and perfect for a Sunday snuggled in bed!

The Pact

SO BLOODY GOOD! Honestly I had kind of given up on BBC series after they have discontinued some of my favourite (Doctor Foster you will forever be in my heart). Also, 6 episodes a series? BBC we want MORE. Although actually, I feel this series was perfectly summed up in 6 episodes, but I think we could off stretched it to 8, just saying. This series follows a group of women who one night leave a co-worker in a forrest as a practical joke, I know even from that you know it’s going terribly wrong. Let’s just say they end up with an unexplained death and the women are now in a pact to vow to stick together in order to not go down for it. Would highly recommend and if you are anything like me you’ll be finished in a day.

Workin’ Moms

This pains me to say it, it really does, but I didn’t love this last series. I have been waiting for the new series for what feels like forever, but it kinda flopped? I am so sad to say this but I’ve been watching it for years and always so excited when the new episodes are released, but I just didn’t like the plot of the last series! Without giving too much away for people who haven’t yet watched it, but I think it’s because the moms aren’t all together, with Anne living in a new city. Also, Jenny is hardly in this series and just has some strange storyline running alongside the others, where she’s in some weird relationship with her boss? It just didn’t add up to me, Hopefully, the next series hits better!

First off, how are you and how is your 2021 going?

Great question, thank you for asking. I have found 2021 really eye opening, from a personal perspective I think I have done a lot of reflecting on 2020 and the injection of serious growth we saw as a business and that I had to handle on one pair of shoulders. I stepped up but felt quite burnt out, so I feel like this year has been a lot about my personal growth and practising some self-mastery, as much as the business growth. The business has had some brilliant moments this year but the last two months have been tougher, we were hit hard with the impact of COVID in India for our production, and sales naturally took a little wobble when retail and life has opened up slightly. All in all it’s been quite the year so far, I thought 2020 was wild … but 2021, wow! 

Can you tell us about your journey to start Claude & Co?

Claude & Co (named after my first cat) was a combination of my foundations in fashion buying, feeling Children’s products really resonated with me and my style and that you could have fun with it, and they’re tiny…who doesn’t love tiny things. I love women’s clothing but it’s too personal for me. I think having no children (as yet) helped me a lot…though it does seem to shock most people! A lot of Children’s brands are started by mums noticing a gap or giving it a go on mat leave, and it’s become the norm. 

I started slow, and had other toy and interior brands on the website. Selling those whilst working on my brand behind the scenes, I knocked on a lot of doors and previous contacts from my buyer life until someone listened. I knew what I wanted I just needed help to make it. I still work with the factory now and they make the most incredible clothing. I am so proud of the quality and level of Claude & Co. Now we’re five years in, and the brand has grown and the awareness too, we’re stocked in most countries around the world – all pretty much from my front room. We have a warehouse based in the U.K (as we used to pack and send everything from home eek) and the collection has grown steadily to where we are now and with I believe a strong future ahead. 

We know you previously worked in buying, what steps did you take in your education/early career to achieve that role?

I started my career in fashion buying very young, I was really thrown in at the deep end. During my first year at uni, I took it upon myself to get some work experience in a buying office. I was offered a job after around a month of clearing the rails, sorting folders and asking the right questions. I left university that same day and gave it my all. For me, four more years made no sense when I had these big plans. 

I was pretty determined from around 14 years old that I wanted to be a fashion buyer. I loved art (I still do, painting is my solace) I loved creating and I knew fashion was something that got me excited. I had a career day at school and they gave me some guidance on the idea of being an architect or a fashion buyer, which I had no idea even existed but sounded better than an architect because well…too mathematical. So that was me. Fashion Buyer in the making. 

I worked my butt off and climbed that ladder fast in my career– I ended up as a buyer on Childrenswear for NEXT and I whilst I felt very “successful” having become a buyer and travelled the world turning left on the plane at 25 years old, doing what I felt was seen as a “dream job” I just was not satisfied. I was pretty sucked up in the corporate world and I think I burnt out pretty fast. I just could not relate to the people and attitudes around me and felt I was destined for something else. I had thankfully built myself a strong base to take time out, keep my home and invest some savings into giving something a go that I’d had the idea of for a while. So there we go, I leapt…with a lot of blind faith and a LOT to learn but with some good experience under my belt. 

We love your gender-neutral clothing, why do you think it’s so hard to find on the market?

I have no idea; I think especially for baby clothing…there is so much gender stereotyping and it’s such a shame. When I am designing, I never consider the gender of a child it doesn’t enter my head. I just think whoever they are, will look so great in this and it can appeal to anyone. I try and keep to neutral earthy colours and interesting fabrics, focusing on something a bit more sophisticated.

What is the process like for designing products and picking out your slogans like “Milking It”? 

I am quite dry in my sense of humour, and I knew that slogans had to play a part in the brand to stop things being too cute and serious. We’ve had a few along the way and Milking It – has really stuck. So much so it’s now trademarked in the U.K, the USA, Europe and more to come…safe to say we’ve had a few copycats along the way! I heard a friend say something along the lines of “you spend your years building a brand, then years protecting it“ amen to that.  

Milking It is what we are most recognised for now and I just never get bored of it. I can just picture every parent smirking when they change their baby into it, who no doubt is 100% milking it. In every sense. 

I love the design process; I think that’s where I find the most validation in my business and happiness. Something coming to life from my head is the best buzz. I normally consider what I feel is missing or I’d love to see out there. Seeing little ones, and matching parents in the ideas from my head is the best feeling. I tend to start with a sketch, and I brief the factory to do a toile (a mock up) on that and we put it with fabrics and get samples made. I love all those little attention bits, the labels and stitch colours, button placements etc. All makes such a difference to the end result. 

Can you tell us about some highs and lows of starting your own small business?

Five years in, I can say there has been some extreme highs and lows. In every decision you make you either learn or you grow which is important to recognise. There really is no “how to” guide. Every decision big or small has been totally on my shoulders. Which some days I find easier than others! 

High points, those ‘pinch me’ moments when you curate and dream of a brand and see people wearing or loving it – Zoe and Alfie the exact example here! Seeing them receive their order, watching as a fly on the wall, was one of my proudest moments. I have imagined that moment for expectant excited parents so many times but never witnessed it. I imagine how many people have had that feeling through buying something I created, that’s a high. 

A big positive is flexibility! Your time is your own, which works well for me. I like to structure my days, but I am so unproductive from 11am-2pm so I normally allow myself some time for exercise, a great lunch, meeting a friend etc but I get up at 6am and work, because I love a peaceful morning and I find my work is better that way. 

Flip side is, you must be so driven to keep getting up and going day after day. No one else is pushing, so you have to bring that energy. It’s tough, especially when sales aren’t as positive, or the delivery is missing somewhere between India and the U.K and no one knows where, or your website crashes when launching new product (all things I’ve had to handle). With that, I find there is no off button. When you’re on holiday and not relaxing because you just need to send that email, post on instagram, I feel like I need to learn to be more present which I think a lot of small business owners can relate to. 

Skies the limit. I love that feeling when it’s my own company. It comes with the fear factor but there is no ceiling with your own brand. I love that the future is in my own hands. 

I think all moments of validation are really personal to the business and person behind it. Everyone has their own dream, and vision to tap into. The high points totally outweigh the low, which is the reason we do it! 

What’s the best advice for someone wanting to start a new business?

You need to align your mindset and motivation to get moving. Be totally sure that you are passionate about what you want to create or sell. Either a service based or product-based business that applies. Someone’s passion for their brand or profession shows and its infectious. I think it helps people connect with you. You can tell when something is half hearted! 

I’d also say, spending your time looking too much at your competition is dangerous. Be focused on your own mission, people will come and go. You will think everyone else has something you don’t but all journeys are different. Someone can turn over a million pounds and make no profit, it’s all relative to your goals…! 

I’d also suggest getting advice and being clear on areas that make you feel nervous. I always found figures and accounts daunting. Turns out I just needed to find the right fit for me with my accountant, she is the best decision I made last year! I am growing more and more confident, and I feel like we’re a team. When you work on your own it’s so important to find that support.  

I’d always recommend for someone to go for it with starting their own business. There is always room for what you want to create, and I think if you have that idea and passion then you’re so much further than most people. Get your plan in place, get your people in place, and be brave. No growth ever happens in your comfort zone. 

What are you currently working on?

I am working on newness for next spring and I am really feeling a bit of 70’s styling and some country and western details. Tricky as I never like to be too “trend” led especially with unisex baby clothing, but a little nod won’t hurt. I love working really in season, I cannot hold onto ANYTHING If I love it, booking too far in advance just doesn’t work for me. So If I am working on something it’s likely to launch soon. Nightmare to manage but it makes me happy!

I have been trying to look at refreshing our Milking It collection to grow it a little more with some new fabrics and sleepsuits. I hope I’ll be able to launch them this Winter, so eyes peeled! I keep trying to think of the friend of “milking it” as another slogan, so if anyone has any great ideas let me know! 

What are some of your other favourite small business baby brands?

Oh so many. My dearest friend Eleanor from Nellie Quats – we’re each other’s biggest cheerleaders and I don’t think I could do this without her. She has the most beautiful girlswear brand. Totally different to Claude & Co which I think helps our friendship. I have a great relationship with Bethany at Ando Stores, and we’ve worked on some collaborations together to sell exclusively across our stores, and there’s more to come. Her eye for product is like no other, and I think when I have a baby (one day) I’ll be shopping on there 24/7. Some brands I love, Silly Silas (dreamy combination with Claude & Co) Artipoppe carriers are so hot right now and I love them. I’ve always really admired Gray Label for their simple design and clean lines for baby clothing. I like Garbo & Friends and Konges Slojd for interiors and accessories. Olli Ella have always been a big support to me as a brand and I love their entire process and success, they’re wonder women. It’s so inspiring. Not strictly Childrenswear but ‘Mustard Made’… those girls are incredible as are their lockers. The independent childrenswear market is so huge, and I am proud to be in the mix. 

What does your perfect weekend look like?

I’m such a brunch girl. Meeting a group of friends or family for slow brunch in the sunshine or by a cosy fireplace is heaven to me, maybe a walk and little shop around. We live in Winchester and it’s great for independent coffee shops. We have an allotment and love spending time there during the summery days, it’s so peaceful. An evening date with my boyfriend, a nice meal somewhere and a great bottle of wine…clearly our life revolves happily around food and socialising. 

I love to paint, they keep getting bigger and bigger and we have zero wall space! I have a thing for still life painting with oils, and it’s how I zone out. So taking Sunday to paint is my happy place, preferably with a historical romance tv show on in the background. Bridgeton five times now. Help. Haha! 

What do you always carry with you?

My backpack, with so many half used lost and found Mac ‘faux’ lipsticks that it’s a crime. I always have my glasses as I am pretty blind without them! Otherwise I travel very light, I think a year of lockdown has meant it’s normally phone and mask in one hand and glasses in the other.  

What would your last ever meal be?

I love good food; I don’t eat dairy now…so I think last meal ever I’d be all over the cheese! Pasta is my go-to, and as basic as it would be…mushroom pasta loaded with a MOUNTAIN of truffle would see me off nicely with a good bottle of red wine. Preferably sandwiched between some crisps and dip and some passion fruit cheesecake to finish thank you! My mouths watering. Ha-ha. 

What is one positive piece of advice you could give to our audience?

It’s so exciting when you realise that there is no limit to what you can achieve. Learn about practising manifesting and mindset. Might sound totally woohoo to some people, I hear you. But try to read or listen to books about it. It really has changed my approach to business and life a lot. Learning about being aware of your own power is so addictive. You can take responsibility for the world you create around you. ‘Thoughts become things’ people! 

One thing that really helped me align with my ambition, I wrote down moments in my past where I’ve felt validation, whether that’s work or personal, really describe them and be aware of that feeling. Then write, picture or just imagine how they might show up your future. Let yourself go there and get moving towards it. 

Our book club dump is here to complete your balmy summer TBR list. In this semester’s line up, we’ve got the ultimate beach read in Lizzy Dent’s latest feel-good rom com The Summer Job, Transcendent Kingdom – the ruminative second novel by Yaa Gyasi (prepare to be both speechless and ruined in the best possible way) and A Slow Burning Fire by Paula Hawkins, a scorching new thriller from the best-selling author of The Girl on the Train.

If book boners exist, then trust us when we say we’re going to be well and truly pitching a tent this summer. Here’s a look at the blurbs!

July – The Summer Job by Lizzy Dent

Part Bridesmaids, Fleabag and Bridget Jones, there’s no poolside pal with a sense of humour quite like Lizzy Dent’s The Summer Job.

Have you ever imagined running away from your life?



Well Birdy Finch didn’t just imagine it. She did it. Which might’ve been an error. And the life she’s run into? Her best friend, Heather’s.

The only problem is, she hasn’t told Heather. Actually there are a few other problems…



Can Birdy carry off a summer at a luxury Scottish hotel pretending to be her best friend (who incidentally is a world-class wine expert)?



And can she stop herself from falling for the first man she’s ever actually liked (but who thinks she’s someone else)

Purchase from Bookshop.org here!

August – Transcendent Kingdom by Yaa Gyasi

Yaa Gyasi’s searing follow up to her acclaimed best-seller Homegoing delivers a powerful and moving portrait of a family of Ghanaian immigrants, ravaged by depression, grief and addiction.

As a child Gifty would ask her parents to tell the story of their journey from Ghana to Alabama, seeking escape in myths of heroism and romance. When her father and brother succumb to the hard reality of immigrant life in the American South, their family of four becomes two – and the life Gifty dreamed of slips away.

Years later, desperate to understand the opioid addiction that destroyed her brother’s life, she turns to science for answers. But when her mother comes to stay, Gifty soon learns that the roots of their tangled traumas reach farther than she ever thought. Tracing her family’s story through continents and generations will take her deep into the dark heart of modern America.

Purchase from Bookshop.org here!

September – Beautiful World, Where Are You by Sally Rooney

One of the most talked-about authors from the last year following the success of her novel to tv show Normal People – Sally Rooney is back with a brand new book based in Dublin following a quartet of young friends, their lives and their loves.

Alice, a novelist, meets Felix, who works in a distribution warehouse, and asks him if he’d like to travel to Rome with her. In Dublin, her best friend Eileen is getting over a break-up, and slips back into flirting with Simon, a man she has known since childhood.

Alice, Felix, Eileen and Simon are still young—but life is catching up with them. They desire each other, they delude each other, they get together, they break apart. They have sex, they worry about sex, they worry about their friendships and the world they live in. Are they standing in the last lighted room before the darkness, bearing witness to something? Will they find a way to believe in a beautiful world?

Purchase the book here!

October – A Slow Burning Fire by Paula Hawkins

The author behind the global phenomenon The Girl on the Train is back with her highly anticipated new thriller. A Slow Burning Fire explores the way no tragedy happens in isolation. Expect a dark plot, intensely believable, human characters and explosive gasp out loud twists.

‘What is wrong with you?’

Laura has spent most of her life being judged. She’s seen as hot-tempered, troubled, a loner. Some even call her dangerous.

Miriam knows that just because Laura is witnessed leaving the scene of a horrific murder with blood on her clothes, that doesn’t mean she’s a killer. Bitter experience has taught her how easy it is to get caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Carla is reeling from the brutal murder of her nephew. She trusts no one: good people are capable of terrible deeds. But how far will she go to find peace?

Innocent or guilty, everyone is damaged. Some are damaged enough to kill.

Look what you started.

What book has got you truly hyped for a summer of good reads?

Purchase the book here!

Pampering is second nature to most of us after 18 months of desperately trying to entertain ourselves indoors, so it’s safe to say the team didn’t struggle in picking out our dream evening-in accompaniments. Pass us the Vino, please!

General acts of self-care that keep you feeling stable and grounded might be as simple as taking the bins out or changing your bedding, but oftentimes treating yourself to some well deserved TLC can be just what you need for a mental and physical recharge. Never underestimate the power of the humble face mask.

And finding a peaceful state of mind doesn’t have to involve a far flung holiday destination or exclusive spa day (which is just as well really, Boris)- it can be as simple as carrying out small acts that encourage a state of zen in your own home. Be it a bubble bath, curling up with your favourite book or blasting Ms Swift’s Folklore (a surefire win), it’s important to prioritise recharging your batteries now more than ever as your social calendar fills up.

Keep scrolling to see the team’s must-have pamper picks…

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In their best-selling memoir-manifesto, All Boys Aren’t Blue, LGBTQIA+ activist, acclaimed author and journalist, George M. Johnson, explores the reality of growing up queer and black in America.

Through a series of powerful and unflinching essays, George unpacks a plethora of timely subjects such as gender identity, institutionalised homophobia, consent, toxic masculinity, family and brotherhood.

From the memories of getting their teeth kicked out by bullies at age five to their first sexual relationships and the precious bond with their grandmother ‘Nanny’, each page wrestles with trauma, triumph, Black joy and tragedy in a moving exploration of ever-evolving selfhood through a Black lens.

“Navigating in a space that questions your humanity isn’t really living at all. It’s existing. We all deserve more than just the ability to exist.”

Not only is this manifesto a fierce and defiant reclaiming of space for young black queer people, it’s a clarion call to fight for your right to live a full and authentic life.

Keep scrolling to read the team’s reviews of this emotionally frank and essential read.

It’s lukewarm below-average summer, bitches. Our free trial of nice weather has ended but we move. Summer might have done us dirty so far – June has a lot to answer for – but our spirit is far from broken. We still believe it’s coming home and we still believe our bikinis will have their time to shine…

As long as we have a good run of BBQs, corn on the cob, Aperol, crisps and dip, floaty dresses, pedicured toes, Calippos, sunsets, feel-good playlists, Love Island memes, carefree beach days followed by a superior shower (that post-swim hair wash always hits different), paddling pools, long balmy evenings, fish and chips and the faint holiday waft of sun lotion in the air, then we will enjoy this glorious time of year, whatever the roadmap to nowhere is saying. Here are 20 ways to make the most of July!

1. Enjoy the thrill of live sports in the company of unhygienic screaming strangers again. It’s coming home (even if it probably most definitely isn’t)

2. Remember that one time in 2002 the teachers let you come in early to watch the England vs Brazil game instead of going to lessons. Pure nostalgia.

3. Find yourself hankering for a pumpkin spice latte and a Christmas dinner because we’re officially closer to Christmas than January and British summertime really be like that.

4. Wear so much gingham, people start sitting on you to eat their sandwiches and tuck into their punnet of strawberries.

5. Somehow survive a 12-hour bottomless brunch. What year is it?

6. Cancel all plans that require leaving the house after 9pm on a week-day for the next six weeks…

7. Let the Casa Amor chaos commence.

8. Bond over how collectively ridiculous everyone looks when trying to walk barefoot on a pebbly beach whilst simultaneously trying to pretend it doesn’t hurt. Much grace. Much composure.

9. Ask yourself if the risk of being sociable is really worth it because POLLEN.

10. Wonder if you’ll ever get through all the tote bags you continue to throw in that one mother tote bag

11. Transfer money from your savings account to your current account. Repeat every three to five working days.

12. Tiger bread and Lurpak. That’s it. That’s how you make the most of July.

13. Think about quitting your job if your manager hints about coming back to the office one more time.

14. Not to be dramatic but unless we get a work uniform allowance for office clothes, no thanks.

15. Attempt to shake up your week-day dinners because you’ve been eating fajitas twice a week for a decade now

16. Before crawling back to the iconic permanent fixture that is: jacky p, cheese and beans. It’s like herpes for carbs, it always comes back.

17. Rest without guilt. You’re welcome.

18. Wonder if you’ve ever been sufficiently hydrated. Ever.

19. In the words of Matt Haig, “get a routine baggy enough to live in”

20. Feel shocked and disgusted at how expensive the outside world costs. My Monzo pots are in the worst shape of their lives but C’EST LA VIE.

If you’re anything like us then the ASOS app is visited similarly to our holy grail social media- regularly, obsessively and with bated breath at what newness awaits us. It’s no surprise therefore that coming of age brand COLLUSION which is exclusive to the site is one we simply can’t get enough of. With inclusive sizing and a range of unisex designs that you can look cute AF matching with your S/O in, there’s certainly no harm in having a cheeky scroll in the Love Island ad break, right?

Key mentions go to the green knitted swirl co-ord that is giving 10/10 House of Sunny vibes, the satin zebra print scarf top that would look banging with a golden tan, and the unisex branded shorts for slobbing out in front of the TV in. It’s affordable, unique, and with six collaborators- students, stylists, activists, image-makers and authors- designing for the label in the past year, you know you’re on the right track for a stylish outfit you can rely on.

Which items are going straight into your basket? No judgement on the quantity of pieces here…

*This post contains ad-affiliate links

One third of all internet traffic is porn. We’ll pause for a moment whilst that sinks in. Porn is everywhere online- it’s unavoidable and the ease with which anyone can access explicit content makes for a worrying reality in how normalised these unrealistic representations of sex are for many.

For the most part, pornography is designed to appeal to men, meaning the pleasure, consent and respect of the women featured in this content is secondary to the enjoyment of the men creating, partaking and viewing it. Pornography can be dehumanising to those involved when the name of the game is mass-producing content for free on sites such as PornHub, and regularly means those involved are not fairly paid or compensated for their work. Mainstream porn typically shows an inaccurate version of consensual, joyful sex, so it’s really no surprise if you’ve been dissatisfied with mainstream porn up until this point- it is rarely designed with women in mind.

But all is not lost ladies and gents, alone time with your favourite toy or a joint sexy sesh with your S/O can in fact be spiced up to the max with some consensual content that benefits you and those involved. Let us introduce: ethical porn.

What is ethical porn?

Ethical porn is adult content produced with the performer’s welfare as the top priority, ensuring they are paid, consenting and comfortable at each step of the filming and production process. Ethical porn seeks to provide a more realistic and accurate representation of sex, involving those of varying body types, sexualities, disabilities and most importantly prioritises pleasure for all of those involved.

Ethical porn is sometimes also known as ‘feminist porn’, which is another defining characteristic setting it apart from mainstream pornography which is oftentimes rooted in misogyny, violence and disrespecting women and their bodies. Mainstream porn is created with the male gaze at the fore and usually has one main aim, whereas feminist porn looks to create art that also satisfies women’s desires too – what’s not to like?!

Ethical porn can normally be distinguished from mainstream porn because it is typically not available for free – one of the ways it ensures that filmmakers and actors are paid fairly for their time and skills. It is typically hosted on independent websites that can be accessed by paying a subscription or one-off video fee and ensures a safe environment for performers in this industry. Creating high quality, responsibly made, cinematic pornography comes at a cost, and the never ending availability of free porn has wrongly made not paying for this content the norm.

As engaging with ethically made porn becomes more of a priority for viewers, “smaller indie studios have implemented stricter regulations around standardized, fair pay for actors, STI testing, and collaborations over scripts and scenes that take the actors’ boundaries into account” (Men’s Health), meaning you can sit back, relax and enjoy guilt free viewing, knowing everyone involved is having as much fun as you.

Where to watch ethical porn?

Piqued your interest? Heart rate increased? Look no further for a reliable watch list of destinations you can rely on for your feminist porn fix …

PinkLabelTV

Inspired by the pornography she watched at adult film festivals, Shine Louise Houston started PinkLabelTV in 2013 as a one-stop-shop for content that showcases, “the types of bodies and desires that aren’t often depicted on conventional adult websites.” Genres include classic and vintage adult films, sex education, documentary, and collections of award-winning films selected at adult film festivals around the globe.
Sales directly support the filmmakers on the platform, encouraging a sustainable #payforyourporn model where artists can continue expanding their craft and you know those involved are safe and consensual. Users can rent films on an individual basis or subscribe as a member to enjoy unlimited access to all the films and special livestream events.

Watch at: www.pinklabel.tv

Bellesa

“We unwaveringly believe that if we can change the kind of sex that people are watching, we can change a whole lot more.”
Bellesa’s tagline reads “empowering women to explore, embrace and celebrate their sexuality- unapologetically” and we are truly obsessed from the outset! All Bellesa films are fantasies by women, written by women, directed by women, produced by women and on set there is one golden rule: No. Fake. Orgasms. The goal of the scene is always to capture authentic, raw pleasure, and this is what really sets the platform apart from mainstream pornography typically designed for men. The site features some free content but Bellesa+, dubbed the ‘Netflix of porn’ is the most impressive part of the platform, with 4K streaming of the best premium content in porn available at a range of subscription levels to suit your budget. With interactive sex ed, private Facebook groups and chats to encourage members to explore their sexuality, the site is empowering at its very core.

Watch at: www.bellesa.co

Dipsea

The home of sexy audio stories, wellness sessions, and sleep scenes, Dipsea is a female-founded startup and story studio that produces relatable, feminist content that celebrates, “healthy boundary setting and enthusiastic consent”. Founded by friends Gina and Faye, they set out on a mission to create an accessible platform that allowed women, “to tap into their sexuality more easily, and on their terms.”
Subscribers can access 400+ stories with regular new releases, hot and heavy content with diverse themes, soothing bedtime stories & wellness sessions and the option to cancel at any time. We’re obsessed!

Learn more at: www.dipseastories.com

Afterglow

Afterglow’s “pleasure universe” is a new women-led erotica site that produces cinematic adult films that highlight consent, celebrate genuine pleasure, validate personal boundaries and embrace diversity of body size, race, sexuality, age and ability. Their blog is also a hub of sex education content, covering everything from orgasm anxiety, succeeding in non-monogamous relationships and everything you need to know about threesomes. Subscribe and pay monthly or annually, or try a 7-day free trial to see what it’s all about…

Learn more at: www.xoafterglow.com

Lust Cinema

And finally, the creme de la creme of ethical porn and beautifully created adult erotica, “Lust Cinema aims to challenge the porn industry standards by promoting the cinematic possibilities of the medium, high-quality storytelling and a realistic representation of human sexuality and sex.” Available for 1, 3 or 18 month subscription plans, you need look no further for binge-worthy adult series and feature films that prioritise pleasure.
Created by award-winning adult film-maker Erika Lust who broke onto the adult cinema scene in 2004, Lust has since founded four online cinemas: XConfessions, Lust Cinema, Else Cinema and The Store by Erika Lust that celebrate the highest quality adult content. Her TEDX talk ‘It’s Time for Porn to Change’ in 2017 has been viewed over 1 million times, and in 2019 she was named as one of the BBC’s 100 Most Influential Women of the Year.

Watch more at: www.lustcinema.com

We caught up with Erika to learn more about creating ethical porn and working in this trailblazing new subsection of a typically male dominated industry…

When was Erika Lust Films founded and what was the driving force for doing so? 

Right after moving to Barcelona from Sweden back in 2000, I started working in a well-known advertisement company making quick steps forward – from runner to producer – and soon I realised that I loved the atmosphere of a film set. At some point, I felt the need to do my own thing, and what I wanted to do was shoot an explicit film!

What is the most challenging part about creating ethical porn? What is the best/most rewarding part about creating ethical porn? 

When you present yourself as an adult production company that puts ethics in the film production process and everything they do, you’re taking a huge responsibility towards the public. This may lead to people holding your work to a standard of “perfection” that doesn’t tolerate even the smallest mistake you may make. On the other hand, the most rewarding part is seeing a growing community of people out there who appreciates our work and supports me and my team to keep on doing it as best as we can. We recently ran a survey through our users and I’m so happy to see that more than 50% of them chose to buy a subscription to XConfessions, Lust Cinema, or Else Cinema, or buy single movies or film compilations at The Store by Erika Lust exactly because of the ethics under which our films are made.

How do viewers know if the porn they are watching is ethical?

Last but not least, is the porn you watch available behind a paywall? It costs money to make a film and to ensure good working conditions for everyone who is involved in making it happen. It costs money to fairly pay performers, crew, post-production and the director; legal contracts that protect all of their rights as workers, lunch for the day, comfortable accommodations if required. 

What do you think is the most pressing issue in the world of pornography production that viewers should be more aware of? e.g. payment, age of actors. consent, representation etc 

I think that consumers should be more aware of the importance of paying for porn. By paying for your porn, you’re helping adult production companies to make films where sex work is done in a safe environment; meaning that performers and their needs and boundaries are taken care of, that the sex they have is consensual. When you pay for your porn, you’re paying a scriptwriter that creates an original, realistic plot where communication and diversity are put at the forefront. You’re paying a production team that ensures that performers are 18+, are enthusiastic about being part of an adult movie, and do not feel obliged to do anything they don’t want to do. You’re paying a Talent Manager or an Intimacy Coordinator that supports them throughout the shoot. Most of all, you’re paying the performers and the whole crew that works to create a film with good cinematography and art direction, lighting, styling, makeup, new locations, and the whole post-production process. All of this is essential to create good quality adult content, both aesthetically and in terms of content.

In recent years we have all become more conscious of what we consume, and ethical and sustainable businesses have really boomed. I hope that this trend also translates to peoples’ attitudes towards pornography and that people begin to think more about the consequences of not paying for pornography and relying on tube sites. At the moment films are often made on a very low budget by companies who need to churn out as many films as possible in order to compete and be profitable; this leads to a very poor representation of sex and sexuality on screen. It is only once people start paying for pornography this will begin to change as more money, more evenly distributed within the industry will provide space for innovative new directors and allow production companies to focus on quality rather than simply having an economy of scale. 

Do you think that the endless amounts of free pornography online make for an inherently problematic industry?

Do you think we will ever live in a world in which ethical and consensual pornography is the norm when free content can be consumed so mindlessly?  

As said above, the future of pornography depends on whether or not there is a shift away from simply using these tube sites and start backing more varied companies by paying for their content. Users need to be made aware of the ethical implications of watching pirated material. Watching free porn is like going to the supermarket and going out without paying for the groceries.

When you pay for your porn, you are giving it value. You are supporting the people who do it and you are sending the message that you want to watch porn that is made safely, with quality and diversity. As in many other fields, consumers are ultimately a part of the industry; the future of porn depends on the people who watch it.

People are not educated to pay for porn also because our society still sees sex workers as less than human. Sex workers are people like anyone else who do a job that should have the same legal rights as any other job. We need to change for the better our perception of sex workers and their lives. We need to normalise sex work as real work and put an end to stigma, criminalisation, and dehumanisation.

Do you think we’re seeing a cultural shift in attitudes towards porn becoming less taboo as sites such as Only Fans become more popular and mainstream?

Despite the sex-negative culture we still live in, I see that porn is gradually becoming less of a taboo in society. And yes, I think that sites like OnlyFans, Manyvids, etc. are helping to normalise the consumption of paid ethical porn. They do it by putting the power and the money directly in the hands of adult creators and performers, who can create their own content in the safety of their homes and with people they want to work with. 

Pornography is historically rooted in exploitation and misogyny- can ethical porn seek to change that or do the origins of porn make it difficult to escape those issues even now? 

Ethically made porn exists exactly to change that. Porn as a medium can be used in a positive or negative way as everything else. It is absolutely possible to create porn that is not rooted in exploitation and misogyny by simply changing the narratives and making a positive shift in the production process.

What is one misconception about creating porn you would like to debunk?

Many people conflate sex work with sex trafficking and perpetuate the stereotype that sex workers are victims or are driven to a demeaning lifestyle by a damaged history. Sex trafficking is easily confused with all types of sex work. There is the assumption that porn and sex work are always particularly exploitative for women, which just isn’t true. So many female performers are empowered and elevated by what they do! 

First off, how are you and how is your 2021 going?

Hello! I’m feeling pretty good today – the sun is shining after a dreary few days and I think I’m going for a sea swim at lunchtime, which always makes me very happy. 2021 is a right rollercoaster, isn’t it? I’m struggling a *bit* to keep up with all the social events post-lockdown, but I’m thankful to be feeling somewhat normal again!

Can you tell us about your journey online and how @ASpoonfulOfAlice came to be?

Of course! I started blogging back in 2015 – but, believe it or not, I actually blogged about weight loss and my ‘Slimming World journey’. Unfortunately I ended up becoming obsessed with dieting and developed some pretty disordered eating patterns – and no matter how much weight I lost, I didn’t feel any better about myself.

In 2017, I discovered the world of body confidence and the anti-diet movement – and my whole life completely changed. I realised that slim doesn’t necessarily equal healthy and that that beauty exists in all shapes and sizes, and my body acceptance journey began. These days, I use my platform to empower others to ditch diet culture, learn to trust their bodies again and feel wonderful just as they are.

What can people expect from your presence online?

I’m all about spreading my message in a fun and accessible way – so expect to see me dancing around in my underwear to early 00s bangers, writing thoughtful captions about my journey and sharing photos of my imperfectly perfect body for the world to see!

Alongside diet culture, body confidence and self love, I also speak openly about mental health, menstrual wellness (specifically my experiences living with PCOS and PMDD), sex education and a whole host of other topics. I share snapshots of Brighton life with my girlfriend and cats, and I’m always up for a chat on my stories!

We absolutely love your message, what is one thing you wish everyone knew about diet culture?

Thank you so much! Blimey, where do I even start? Most of all, I wish society understood that the link between weight and health is wayyyyyy less clear than we have been led to think. It is possible to be both fat and healthy – just as it is possible to be slim and unhealthy. In this country, we still use the BMI scale as a key measure of health – when the person who created it (who was a mathematician, not a doctor!) said himself that it isn’t fit for that purpose. The scale was created in the 1800s and was based on the bodies of cisgendered white men – so if that’s not you, it’s even less helpful!

What opinions would you love to see change in the mainstream media over the next few years?

Again, I could literally spend hours talking about all the things I’d love to change – but I think I’d have to say the notion that there is one ‘beauty ideal’, and everyone else is somehow wrong. Sure, there might be a few plus-sized people in the odd magazine these days, but when you consider that the average UK woman is a size 16, it’s crackers that this is still very much a rarity. I want to see clothes modelled on bodies of all shapes and sizes and fat people being represented without an accompanying weight loss story. Believe it or not, plenty of people are happy being plus-sized, but that narrative is hardly ever portrayed – I’d love to see a change there!

Can you tell us 3 tips to feel more body confident?

1. Aim for body acceptance first – body confidence can feel very out-of-reach if you’re struggling with low self worth, so I always recommend striving to accept your body first. Learn to treat it with respect and remind yourself that what you look like is the least important thing about you.
2. Fake it ‘til you make it – always wanted to wear a crop top, but just don’t have the confidence? WEAR THE CROP TOP ANYWAY. Yes, it will be scary at first. Yes, you might second guess yourself a million times before stepping out the door. But before long, you’ll realise that nobody is giving you a second thought – apart from thinking how confident you look, and wishing they could wear a crop top too!
3. Diversify your feed – if you’re only seeing ‘perfect’ Instagram models with one (unattainable) body type, it’s bound to have an effect on the way you see yourself. Instead, fill your feed with bodies of all shapes and sizes – bodies of queer people, plus-sized people, disabled people, black people, asian people… as many people as possible, basically! The more diverse your feed, the more diverse your idea of beauty will become – and one day, you might just see that *you* are beautiful too.

As a fellow Brighton dweller, can you share your top places to go in the city?

I actually get asked this question so many times that I keep a note in my phone where I list my favourite places. It’s organised into categories and everything! Here are a few of my faves:

• Pompoko – cheap, cheerful and delicious Japanese food
• Baby Bao @ The Pond – THE most amazing Taiwanese bao buns
• Bison Beach Bar – cocktails, fresh pizza and bbq dishes on the beach
• The Open Market – stalls selling local produce and crafts, friendly cafes and relaxed restaurants
• Tropical Sushi – the best sushi I’ve had in a VERY long time (and I’ve had a lot!)
• Brighton Rocks – a tucked-away cocktail bar with lots of board games and a great happy hour
• Trading Post Coffee Roasters – my spot-of-the-moment for brunch!
• La Mucca Nera – authentic italian ice cream, wine and coffee
• Marmalade Store – pick up a posh picnic before heading to the beach
• Brighton Flea Market – my favourite place for a Sunday morning mooch

What are you currently working on?

In terms of my Instagram, I’m working on a new reels series called ‘Facing my fat girl fears’ where I film myself doing things I’ve always been scared to do due to my size.

Otherwise, I’m working on myself! I went to therapy this year which was very eye-opening – it turns out I’m codependent and a biiiig people pleaser, so I’m learning to set healthy boundaries instead!

Who are some of your current favourite follows?

I follow so many wonderful humans who have taught me so many things, but at the moment I’m loving:

• @ScarredNotScared – because she is the queen of boundaries and I want to be more like her
• @make_love_not_diets – because she is HILARIOUS and always finds fun ways to help me dismantle diet culture
• @meganjaynecrabbe – because she is the reason I started this journey in the first place
• @simplepolitics – because the media has been so confusing this year, and they provide a lot of clarity
• @hunsnet – because everything they post just cracks me up

What does your perfect weekend look like?

I’d head out for brunch with my friends on Saturday morning, followed by a wander round the Lanes or a trip to the beach for a sea swim (the weather would be glorious, obviously!). In the evening, I’d cook a new recipe and it would work out PERFECTLY – then we’d watch Titanic, cry cathartically and go to bed by 9.30. I’d wake up on Sunday perfectly refreshed, and I’d spend the morning drinking coffee and reading in bed with my girlfriend (and the cats, if we’re being honest…). We’d make brunch together, then I’d spend the day filming AMAZING content for Instagram and doing little ‘self-care Sunday’ things like painting my nails and tidying up the mess I seem to inexplicably create throughout the week. We’d order takeaway in the evening and get so lost in conversation that we forget to watch telly! Bliss.

What do you always carry with you?

Tinted lip balm, headphones and an array of emergency snacks.

What would your last ever meal be?

I’d have to travel up to Newcastle (where I’m originally from) and head to Nudo Noodle House. They do this amaaaazing king prawn tom yum ramen, so I’d have that along with ALLLLL the sides (think gyoza, fresh sushi, salt and pepper squid etc). For dessert, I’d go to Olive Grove in Brighton – I once had the most incredible whipped greek yoghurt mousse with chopped nuts and honey there, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since!

What is one positive piece of advice you could give to our audience?

That being selfish is actually a selfless act. Hear me out – if you’re constantly giving all your time and energy to other people, then you won’t have enough left for yourself. At some point, someone else is going to have to ‘save’ you, and that will be a drain on THEIR energy. If we were all just a little bit more selfish and put ourselves first before helping others, it would genuinely benefit everyone!

I learnt that from Michelle Elman (@ScarredNotScared) and it absolutely blew me away.

Today, we’re holding space for the women who have had an abortion, because normalising conversations around our reproductive rights is at the heart of smashing the abortion stigma and challenging social norms.

In a world where all manner of women’s health topics from self-pleasure to vaginismus and menstruation are slowly but surely getting their due air time, strides have been made, but abortion remains largely stigmatised and marginalised from everyday conversation. Many people deal with the reality of the procedure and the complex emotions that can often accompany it in silence due to the pervasive stigma and shame attached to the common medical procedure. Oftentimes, particularly in countries where it is still illegal to have an abortion, women, trans and non-binary people are denied access to safe abortion care.

Behind the public complacency, destructive misinformation and political debates are people with deeply personal experiences: an unintended pregnancy, rape, contraception failures, mental health struggles or abusive relationships. Regardless of the legal status of abortions, the stigma is global and many people are shamed for seeking or having one in their lifetime. Silence perpetuates stigma.

Here, we invited readers to talk about their experience in their own words. Every one of these stories is as unique as the people who tell them, and all of them serve as a reminder for why access to safe abortion care and autonomy over our own bodies is so important.

Every person deserves the right to decide the course of their own life and here’s how these women did, and continue to do, just that.

Jennie

How did you feel when you first found out you were pregnant? 

When I first found out I was so shocked as this had never happened before and I’d never particularly been careful with my partner. The shock pretty much overpowered any other emotion I was feeling at the time and also dread as I knew I had to have an abortion.

Can you share your personal experience and the moments leading up to your decision to have an abortion?

As I was only 18 at the time and me and my boyfriend still lived at home, the decision wasn’t a long process for me because there was no way we’d be able to tell our families or have the money to bring a baby into the world. The only problem I had was that I was going on holiday 2 days after I found out so had to try and urgently sort this for when I was back which gave me more time to almost go through all the motions of should I keep it or should I go through with it. As weird as it sounds regardless of how far along I was in pregnancy I still had this unexplainable connection with my child and did things I would during pregnancy to keep my baby healthy (ie whilst I was on holiday I didn’t have one drink even though I knew I was having an abortion). 

How did you reach the decision that this was the right choice for you, your body and your life?

I was 18 years old, I knew that I was nowhere near ready to have a child physically, mentally or financially and I think these 3 things all need to be considered before having a child. I had so much I wanted to achieve and so many milestones I wanted to tick off the list before starting my own family.

For those who are thinking about terminating a pregnancy but don’t know what to expect, can you share any fact-based information around what the medical procedure involves and how easy or difficult it was to access abortion care?

I was in the exact same position but I easily found the resources I needed for helplines and associations to get in touch with through the internet. The people you contact through the associations are very helpful and understanding, they talk you through every step of the way and go through everything you need to know or be aware of. Again the staff who work at the clinics are amazing and always ask through every stage of your appointment if your decision is final but not in a judgemental or pressurising way.

The procedure itself if you’re very early on in pregnancy is done by taking an abortion pill and you have a series of health checks before and usually after you have taken the pill they offer to fit contraception or prescribe this before you leave. The only painful part is the day after or the next couple of days after when you have a ‘miscarriage’ which feels like a very bad period. I would suggest to anyone if possible have someone go with you as although the staff are all so friendly and supportive I do think you need that extra bit of support from a familiar face. Also, be prepared the next day to just rest.

How did you feel after the abortion?

After the abortion, I felt very emotional understandably but luckily I had the support of my boyfriend who was amazing throughout the whole thing. It’s kind of a relief once it’s over but then there’s also a lot of what-ifs when you have a moment to think wondering what the baby would’ve looked like and through the weeks remembering how far gone you’d have been if you would’ve kept the baby. Even to this day I still imagine things and think about what he/she would’ve been like but it’s not as upsetting anymore as I know it was the right decision for me.

What level of aftercare and support did you have?

Everything was explained at the clinic regarding aftercare and they gave me numbers to contact if I felt that something was wrong. Support wise I had my boyfriend and a couple of people knew but I couldn’t tell my parents and still haven’t to this day.

Did you ever experience feelings of shame, secrecy or judgement around your decision to have an abortion, at all?

I think the judgement and shame only came from myself as it is such an awful decision to make but my partner agreed with me through every step and the people who did know were all so understanding and supportive. As for secrecy there is a lot of secrecy regarding my abortion, I didn’t feel I could tell my parents or my family as I still live at home. I’m not sure why I felt the need for secrecy but I think it’s the fear of the unknown for how people may react and it’s not really a conversation you want to be having with a parent when you still live with them and are also so young! 

Having gone through the experience yourself, and despite how common it is (1 in 3 women have an abortion by 45), why do you think it’s still such an off-limits taboo subject?

I think as every country and every generation of people have different opinions and views on abortions this creates a whole stigma everywhere else. Like in older generations abortions weren’t really a thing and was seen as morally wrong and in some countries people don’t even have the choice to have an abortion which blows my mind. It’s sad to think how common this is and it’s still a subject that women feel ashamed of or find it awkward to talk about. 

How can we all do more to end abortion stigma and encourage others to talk about it like any other medical procedure? What do you think is going to be the real catalyst for change?

Although I respect some people wish to keep this matter private I do think the way forward is to open up about these experiences more. The way we talk about contraception and sex should be the way we talk about abortions as it is more than likely to happen to most women in their lifetime. I think the way we view what an abortion actually needs to be altered too, abortion is seen as such a negative decision that means destroying another humans life when really once dealt with properly is a positive decision that is the right one for you at that point in your life.

For anyone going through an abortion now, or considering having one, what advice would you offer them?

My advice would be; This decision is down to you and you only, it is your body and your mind if you feel that you aren’t ready for a child then don’t feel guilty about the decision you make. I believe that you need to be in the best place possible when it comes to having a baby as you want to give your baby your all and bring them up in a stable, happy, healthy environment. You’ll know when the time is right and when you and your partner are ready to become parents. Another thing is to talk to someone! Whether that be someone you’ve confided in, an anonymous helpline or a community of women who have been through the same thing, this helps so so much, in most situations I think the feeling of not being alone in how you feel or what you’re going through is so reassuring. Until the time comes for you to start your own family (if that’s something you want to do) just live your life to the fullest and strive to achieve everything you want to, that’s what I’m going to do until I decide otherwise :).

Olivia

How did you feel when you first found out you were pregnant?

I had only been with my boyfriend (now husband) for about a month or two when I found out. I was very, very overwhelmed and scared. I knew we weren’t ready for a kid because it was so early in our relationship. I felt somewhat ashamed as well. 

Can you share your personal experience and the moments leading up to your decision to have an abortion?

It was just a lot of stress and anxiety about what would happen, how my boyfriend would respond, how my family/friends would feel if I was pregnant, how I’d handle it, how abortions work, maybe adoption, a lot of feelings.

How did you reach the decision that this was the right choice for you, your body and your life?

I think I knew almost immediately that I would want one. When I told my boyfriend that I was pregnant, he said that he would be okay with whatever I decided because it was my body. I knew I wasn’t ready for a kid. I was in grad school, in my first couple years of teaching kindergarten, living in a rental home with roommates, and my boyfriend lived in another state.

For those who are thinking about terminating a pregnancy but don’t know what to expect, can you share any fact-based information around what the medical procedure involves and how easy or difficult it was to access abortion care?

I was told that I needed to do the medical abortion (versus a physical one) because of my weight and how far along I was. I will be honest and say that it was the most painful experience I have ever been through. I was told it would be hard, but the pain was unbearable. I lived in Oklahoma at the time, which is very very conservative. The clinic I went to was the only one in the state that offered abortions. Luckily, I lived in that city, so I had easy access to it. 

How did you feel after the abortion?

I felt relieved. I felt like I could continue with my life and finish school with ease. I felt like I didn’t have a huge secret anymore.

What level of aftercare and support did you have?

I had access to the nurse at the clinic through text whenever I needed it. I texted her many questions. I also had to go back to the clinic a couple weeks later to do a pregnancy test to confirm that it was terminated and make sure I was doing okay. My boyfriend was in a different state, so I didn’t really have any personal support. No one knew except for him.

Did you ever experience feelings of shame, secrecy or judgement around your decision to have an abortion, at all?

I did at first because I’ve been told my whole life that it was wrong and I’d go to hell. I realized shortly after it happened that it’s my life and my body and I have the choice to do whatever I think is best for me and my situation. This was almost 6 years ago. Now, I feel no shame or embarrassment about it.

Having gone through the experience yourself, and despite how common it is (1 in 3 women have an abortion by 45), why do you think it’s still such an off-limits taboo subject?

It’s been ingrained in people since they were kids that it is wrong and a sin. People were raised to believe that, so it is a thought in people’s heads. I also feel like it stems from the fact that a lot of parents or grandparents can be more conservative and pro-life. That family pressure can be very tough.

How can we all do more to end abortion stigma and encourage others to talk about it like any other medical procedure? What do you think is going to be the real catalyst for change?

Women have the right to do what they want with and to their body. Women shouldn’t have to look to anyone for permission to get an abortion, get a tattoo, get a piercing, cut their hair, etc. People need to realize that and give women that right. It is a part of basic human rights. That idea needs to be accepted by everyone, which I feel like we’re making good strides with. 

For anyone going through an abortion now, or considering having one, what advice would you offer them?

Self-care. Make sure you have a support system or someone you can trust to talk to. Take off of work afterwards (I didn’t at first and ended up doing it later). Get fluffy pillows and blankets so that you can be comfortable in bed. Eat ice cream or whatever makes you feel good! You’ll need physical and mental support and relaxation afterwards.

India

How did you feel when you first found out you were pregnant?

When I first found out I was pregnant I instantly felt joy and happiness, however, this was quickly clouded with fear and doubt. Although I was happy and with my partner, I had never felt more alone, knowing that there was life growing inside of me and I felt such a huge responsibility as I was not planning to become a mother so soon.

Can you share your personal experience and the moments leading up to your decision to have an abortion?

I decided to keep this between me and my partner for many weeks as I wanted to make the right decision and be sure of what I wanted. As the weeks went on, my mind changed most days but I never felt sure of my choice. After keeping this to myself for a while, I knew it was time to tell my parents as I was being sick most days and really started to feel the symptoms of pregnancy.

How did you reach the decision that this was the right choice for you, your body and your life?

When discussing this with my mother, I was hoping for reassurance and I really wanted somebody to tell me everything was going to be okay and that most importantly it was my choice. However, this was not the reaction I received, in all honesty, she was not ready to be a grandmother and did not want me to ruin her own life. At this point, I believed I would have become homeless if I had gone through with the pregnancy.
As I was around 13 weeks pregnant at this stage, I knew my time was limited and I needed to make a decision quickly. As I was young and vulnerable I allowed my family to influence me to go ahead with an abortion. Don’t get me wrong, there was a part of me that also wanted to not go through with the pregnancy, but if I had not listened to them, I don’t think I would have proceeded with the abortion.

For those who are thinking about terminating a pregnancy but don’t know what to expect, can you share any fact-based information around what the medical procedure involves and how easy or difficult it was to access abortion care?

I was able to get an abortion within a few weeks of speaking to my GP (but the limited availability means I had to travel over an hour from my home), however, in this situation, each week is highly important in terms of the type of abortion you will be able to receive. As I was over 14 weeks pregnant I had to undergo dilation and evacuation meaning I was under general anaesthetic and the pregnancy was removed using special instruments from my womb. I found the process very scary and overall traumatising. The NHS staff were amazing but I did feel the process was slightly rushed and chaotic.

After the abortion, I stayed in the clinic for a few hours to recover and was given a leaflet and discharged. I was not provided with any other care whatsoever. Looking back now, I feel like I would have benefited from having some sort of counselling or mental help after undergoing a life-changing operation.

How did you feel after the abortion?

Most of the feelings I have felt since my abortion are mainly directed at myself and my family, I really wish I was supported more throughout. I do feel judgement when speaking about it despite it being much more common than people realise. I do believe it is such a taboo subject as many people hold such strong opinions despite them never have been in that situation themselves. I guess it is easy to judge another if you have not walked in their shoes.

What do you think is going to be the real catalyst for change?

I believe abortion should be spoken about more in secondary schools and colleges, there is such a lack of information surrounding the different types of abortions and how these are carried out, as well as any long term side effects of this. I also believe a law should be passed about the protesters that often stand outside clinics across the UK (as this was something I had not anticipated before arriving and it was a horrible experience).

For anyone going through an abortion now, or considering having one, what advice would you offer them?

For people considering having an abortion, my biggest piece of advice would be to make sure it is what YOU want and don’t allow the opinion of others to affect you, because at the end of the day, it is your body and your life, so make sure you do what is right for you. And when you make your decision, remember that the only person who will have to live with that every day is you. Nobody else. This is also not me saying women will feel shame and regret after having an abortion because that simply is not true. As long as this is what you want, that is enough.

If you are currently going through an abortion, remember to ask for help if you need it and surround yourself with your closest people.

Kate

How did you feel when you first found out you were pregnant?

I felt nervous when I found out I pregnant. At 18 and without a long term partner I was apprehensive and unsure about what I was going to do. In one way I was glad I had an answer as to why I had been feeling unwell physically but it gave me a lot to think about and new emotions to deal with.

Can you share your personal experience and the moments leading up to your decision to have an abortion?

I had an on/off relationship with someone who lived 5 hours away and got pregnant during a trip to see them. I was 18 years old and it was the summer before I was due to move away for university. The pregnant was unplanned and although children were in my plan, this wasn’t the right time or situation. The logistics of seeing the father and co-parenting were feasible and we both decided the right decision would be to terminate the pregnancy.

How did you reach the decision that this was the right choice for you, your body and your life?

I could not have financially supported a child at that time and moving across the country for a relationship that hadn’t really been solid, didn’t seem like a stable choice to make. During this time I didn’t tell my mum who I lived with and didn’t really want to for fear of judgement or anger.

I was really thankful for the choice to end the pregnancy as I knew it wasn’t the right time for me or the father to welcome a child into the world.

For those who are thinking about terminating a pregnancy but don’t know what to expect, can you share any fact-based information around what the medical procedure involves and how easy or difficult it was to access abortion care?

I was aware of and had accessed local sexual health clinics for contraception in the past so this was the first place I contacted after deciding on an abortion. They booked me in relatively quickly to get a scan and confirm I was in fact pregnant. 

They asked me my reasons for deciding to terminate and I felt they were really understanding and there was no judgment in their tone or words those chose when speaking to me. They asked if I had considered other options such as adoption but I explained I wanted to go away to university and didn’t want to continue with the pregnancy at all.

The only negative from this initial appointment was that when the health worker carried out the ultrasound, she showed me the screen. Normally this would be really happy for expectant parents but it made me feel guilty, seeing a fetus knowing I wasn’t going to carry it to term. It was only for a few seconds but the feeling of guilt lasted for months.

The health care worker explained there were different procedures depending on how far along in the pregnancy you were. I was able to be booked in for a noninvasive termination where I took a tablet to stop the heartbeat then a few days later I came into hospital for a day to take another. The second tablet would actually pass the fetus and you do this in hospital so they can monitor how you’re passing the pregnancy and how much you’re bleeding. 

It’s worth mentioning the nurse who cared for me during my 6 or so hours in hospital, was pregnant. I never once felt like she judged me or was making me feel worse about my decision because she had decided to carry on her with pregnancy. 

Accessing the service and getting appointments was easy. I felt anxious and embarrassed going to each one but was always able to bring someone with me (can be a partner, friend, family member etc). I felt like I had a big sign over my head saying ‘she’s going for an abortion’ but everything is very discreet and confidential. The procedure goes on your medical record but there was no need for my family doctor or anyone else to be involved.

What level of aftercare and support did you have?

There was no counselling or talking therapies offered afterwards which looking back on, I think I could have benefited from. I felt a lot of guilt and regret for a year or so afterwards and it would have been good to help understand these feelings more. 

How did you feel after the abortion?

I am 100% okay and happy with the choice I made nearly 10 years ago and would do it again if I needed to. I have no regrets and know the life of the fetus and mine, are better because of the decision I made.

Having gone through the experience yourself, and despite how common it is (1 in 3 women have an abortion by 45), why do you think it’s still such an off-limits taboo subject?

I think it’s a taboo subject for some and women still experience shame because of the way people perceive abortions and the lack of conversation around it. You’re led to believe they ‘cut’ babies out of you or the procedures really violent but it’s not the case. Its medical and performed with care and attention from professionals like any other. 

How can we all do more to end abortion stigma and encourage others to talk about it like any other medical procedure? What do you think is going to be the real catalyst for change?

We don’t know everyone’s story or reason behind seeking an abortion but no one does it for fun. It’s not a walk in the park physically or mentally. We should be more open from a younger age. We should talk about it in schools when we learn about sex education. If I can learn about contraception in primary school then I should be able to learn about termination too. 

I’ve waited longer to access mental health services than abortion services but we talk about mental health so much now. Why not abortions? If we can promote talking and being open about what’s going on in our minds, why not about what’s going on in our bodies? 

For anyone going through an abortion now, or considering having one, what advice would you offer them?

My advice for someone about to go through or going through with an abortion is to confide in someone, whether it be your partner, friend or a family member. Don’t do it alone, you’ll be thankful for the support. Even if they just drive you to appointments, it’s better than making those journeys on your own. 

Secondly, ask as many questions as you can. Don’t be blindsided by medical terms, if you don’t understand something then ask for it to be explained again or in a different way so you understand. Ultimately you’re making the choice and that’s the most important thing, don’t let anyone sway your opinion or choice. It’s your body, your choice! 

Carla

How did you feel when you first found out you were pregnant?

I felt overwhelmed by the thought of having another pregnancy, I had already been pregnant six times prior to this time, four live births and two previous terminations.  

Can you share your personal experience and the moments leading up to your decision to have an abortion?

As this, unfortunately, was not my first rodeo, and the third time I would go through this process I was devastated to have to go through this again. I felt ashamed for this to happen again. I had to visit my doctor again, a well put together capable person most of the time again requesting to terminate a humans life. It did not sit well with me on any level and all I could think about was what other people thought of me. As I had to disclose to my employer why I was unwell or need appointment time, it was embarrassing and I thought everyone knew (which they didn’t) however you still get the feeling of being judged, a paranoid feeling. 

How did you reach the decision that this was the right choice for you, your body and your life?

I already had four children, worked full time and did not live with my partner. I also had to tell my parents who always looked so disappointed even at 37, as none of my previous pregnancies had been planned and I was not married or in a good enough financial position to take care of another child.

For those who are thinking about terminating a pregnancy but don’t know what to expect, can you share any fact-based information around what the medical procedure involves and how easy or difficult it was to access abortion care?

I visited my local GP, having a female doctor helps as I did approach a male doctor in my surgery and he flatly refused to discuss it or refer me.
The GP refer you to the BPAS British Pregnancy Advisory Service. Call to make an appointment at one of the BPAS clinics to speak to a counsellor. You then see a doctor at your appointment if you feel this is the right course of action to terminate your pregnancy. The doctor scans you to determine how far along in the pregnancy you are and what type of termination you need. 

You may be offered a medical abortion to terminate the pregnancy, you go to the clinic for the first dose and if you live close by you are able to go home once it has been administered, take the next dose and nature takes its course at home. 

Alternatively you maybe further along in the pregnancy and you would be invited to the clinic again provided with medication, nurses are on hand and this can mean an over night stay. If you are further along in the pregnancy it feels more like giving birth as the foetus is larger and blood loss may be greater.

If you are younger or you are terminating the pregnancy on medical grounds you maybe offered a surgical abortion. The NHS website has a brilliant description of all options I would have benefitted of reading. 

How did you feel after the abortion?

Empty, it’s like a bereavement and unfortunately never has left me. I can still see the foetus in the toilet and find it hard to deal with after experiencing the last abortion I have suffered from PTSD. I found it very difficult to have a normal sexual relationship because I would get paranoid I would fall pregnant again and feel relief every month when I wasn’t. My partner refused to take responsibility for contraception and would not have a vasectomy and of  course being super fertile and no contraception working for me was hard. I did ask for alternative solutions from a GP referral and was advised its not in my best interests to pursue until I am older.

What level of aftercare and support did you have?

I received no aftercare support at all.

Did you ever experience feelings of shame, secrecy or judgement around your decision to have an abortion, at all?

I still feel shame about having a termination, my partner was quite cruel to me and said I had murdered his child once in an argument and I will never forget that, and we had talked at length before our decision and was not aware of how much it affected him. I felt so guilty for people with fertility problems, especially friends who would confide in me and it would make me terribly upset.

Having gone through the experience yourself, and despite how common it is (1 in 3 women have an abortion by 45), why do you think it’s still such an off-limits taboo subject?

Abortion is still a taboo subject from my first experience in the early 1990s to my more recent experience I can say this has not much changed however the support has increased as more clinics have opened it’s easier to access, I do think after support should be more available for women to deal with the trauma. 

How can we all do more to end abortion stigma and encourage others to talk about it like any other medical procedure? What do you think is going to be the real catalyst for change?

Stigma around abortion is always going to exist. I believe the stigma is around the reason we choose to terminate a pregnancy, not the actual act. For many reasons especially medical reasons. If the foetus isn’t viable. To save another foetus in the womb of a multiple pregnancy. From falling pregnant after abuse or rape, this should not be taboo. The choice for your mental health is a massive reason to terminate a pregnancy these days as it’s more prevalent and accepted. It is not a decision to be taken lightly and more options for the mother should be discussed like adoption prior to termination. It should also be covered in schools as in sex education classes.

For anyone going through an abortion now, or considering having one, what advice would you offer them?

It’s a personal choice, it’s not always the right choice, do not feel ashamed to ask for help. Talk to someone close to you however, do not overshare. If your partner is supportive keep them involved they may be devastated too and need support.

Shannon

How did you feel when you first found out you were pregnant?

When I found out I was pregnant I was in disbelief it did not feel real. I then took a second test which indicated how many weeks I was, then it started to sink in. I felt extremely scared and confused because I knew I did not want to have a baby. It felt like I had a big sign on me telling everyone around me I was pregnant, I did not want to look at someone wrong or look to my stomach without the fear that everyone knew. It felt very consuming it was all I could think about.

I started imagining my future with a baby and without a baby. It felt like time was moving slower and every second I didn’t think about it made me feel guilty that I wasn’t spending every moment thinking of it. I also felt embarrassed and stupid, it felt like I had been really stupid not to have taken more precautions. There was also a feeling that lasted for quite a while of being betrayed by my own body, it felt wrong that my brain knew I did not want a baby, yet my body was changing for the process to happen.

Can you share your personal experience and the moments leading up to your decision to have an abortion? (Please only disclose what you are comfortable with)

It was 2018 and I was 21 years old and in my final year of university, it was a few weeks before the end of my second term just around the time of writing my dissertation and prep for my final exams. My boyfriend was also at university around a 3-hour train journey away, we had been together for a nearly year. I had previously been on a few contraceptive pills up until 6 months before, I found some side effects of headaches, weight gain and mood swings.

As my boyfriend and I could only see each other every other month for a few days at a time I decided we would use condoms as a method of contraception. Around my Birthday we were able to see each other for a week and used condoms when we had sex- however this down later into intercourse or once not at all. A few weeks passed and I had not got my period however often with university stress they were not regular, so I wasn’t worried. Then a few more weeks passed, and I found myself getting very teary in most situations. This was not uncommon for usually a day before my period however it never usually lasted a few days.

I was in the gym on the treadmill and whilst I was running it felt like a had a small tight knot and slight cramps in my stomach which then ended up lasting the entire evening. For the rest of the week, I had extremely vivid dreams and then started to get a strange taste in my mouth. I started to google the symptoms and every article was about pregnancy. I spent an hour or so scrolling through forums of women excitedly checking their early symptoms with one another.

At this point I felt quite numb because I couldn’t fathom the idea that I was actually pregnant. I told my best friend (also my housemate) that I thought I was pregnant. She told me I was must be joking that I can’t be, I told her I didn’t feel right and I really thought I was. She had a pregnancy test in her room, I went to the bathroom and did the test. I then came downstairs are put the test down and carried on doing my washing up. Then I walked over and saw there was two lines on the test. I showed her and she started saying no you can’t be pregnant. I was speechless it didn’t feel real at all. I just couldn’t believe it. I then went with her to the supermarket to get another test which would tell me the weeks. I remember feeling so conscious that everyone knew. That week I had three essays due at university so took the test to the library toilets. The test said I was 3+ weeks.

At this point I stood in the toilet cubile and wanted it all to go away. I could feel my heart racing and I felt like I needed to be sick. I took some deep breathes and thought about it being too late to call a doctor and also conscious I had my essays due. So I went back to writing my essay in the library but couldn’t think about anything else. I could hear my pulse and I just felt helpless. I started googling abortion online and not a lot was coming up that made clear sense on what to do.  I saw on a website about contacting your GP as soon as you are aware. The doctors was shut so my plan was to phone the doctors the next day. That night feels like a blur now I remember having a film on to fall asleep to and I just stared at the screen but couldn’t take anything in.I woke up and went to the library and waited for the doctors to open. It felt like the more I could do everything in logical steps the easier I found it. I woke up and just mentally prepared for phoning the doctor I couldn’t let me brain wander to the next part. I then went into a corridor in my university library and phoned the doctors. The receptionist asked what I needed an appointment for, it was at this point I had to say it out loud. I had said it in my head since I found out but not verbalised it. My voice broke when I said I wanted an abortion and I started to cry. She spoke really calmly and advised me I didn’t need to see a doctor I could self refer to a clinic. She took my name and told me to go to the doctors and she would have a leaflet for me to take away that would explain what I needed to do.

It felt like she had given me the next steps to focus on so I stopped crying and my best friend went with me and she went in and picked it up. The leaflet was for Marie Stopes clinic. Again I couldn’t allow myself time to think to much I just followed the instructions on the leaflet and phoned. They asked me personal details about my address and age and advised I would receive an email which would have a call time for the next day which they would then be able to book me in. They also advised this was a confidential service so would not go my medical record, this made me feel secure in that it was a personal and private decision for myself and that it would never come back up. At this point I felt calmer that there was a plan. They set up a password to use when I called and then I received an email with 2 pdf attachments. One was FAQ the other was about the different procedures. I read those PDF’s so many times I wanted to understand everything as I felt so scared about what an abortion actually was. I waited for my call the next day and they advised as I was just 6 weeks this is the earliest I could get an abortion.

They advised due to being in the early stages I could have a early medical abortion pill. She talked me through what would happen next and advised instructions would also be sent to me. She advised me I could call the helpline at any time if I had anymore questions.  She found the clinic in my university town had a cancellation which meant I could have an appointment that Friday in two days’ time, my next option was to wait for the next appointment which was two weeks away. I knew it did not want to wait – I had essays due and my dissertation to think about and it felt impossible to think of anything other than being pregnant. Now that I knew I had an appointment I decided to tell my boyfriend. I felt so nervous to bring up the subject because somehow it felt like it was all my fault and I had done something wrong I told him in one giant sentence what had happened and what I was doing. He was silent for a while then told me her supported me and just wanted me to speak to him if I needed him. This was the best thing he could have done, he didn’t bring up the subject unless I did. He never told me anything other than whatever I needed he would help. When reading the pdf’s from Marie Stopes it advised to avoid public transport on the day and after. I asked my boyfriend to drive back from his uni the evening of my appointment to drive me home the next day as I was supposed to be leaving by train for my easter break.

On the Thursday I was so upset but I felt so lucky that I would only have to get through the next day and it would all be over with. That day my best friend had been planning a birthday celebration as her birthday fell a few days later when we were on Easter break. I tried to get myself involved in the party and spent hours blowing up balloons however I just couldn’t stop thinking about the next day. I knew I did not want to have a baby but what was scaring me is I did not know what to expect. I had all these strange thoughts running through my head of what did the clinic look like? Would I see someone I know? Would they judge me for my choice? Would there be protestors outside? Would the procedure hurt? Would someone tell me off? I found it hard to get away from the feeling that I had messed up.

How did you reach the decision that this was the right choice for you, your body and your life?

As soon as I thought I might be pregnant I knew I didn’t want to have a baby, it wasn’t that I didn’t ever in the future want a baby, but I didn’t want one now. I was a university student, there were things that I knew I wanted to do and achieve that I knew would either be really difficult with a child or impossible. I also knew I could not give a child the life I would have wanted to them to have. I wanted to travel the world, have years that were just about me. I felt like I wanted to discover life for me and live as carefree and be as self-centred as possible.

I knew that I wanted an abortion, but I also did spend time thinking about the other option. I thought about having a baby, the reality that I had only been with my boyfriend a year and we were both so young. I thought about the practicalities of us navigating being parents or co-parents. I knew one day I would like to have children, but this was not what I wanted at this time. I felt empowered in that this was my choice, no one could have said anything to change my mind, but I also felt safe in that no one else had a say in what happened it was all up to me to do what I wanted.

For those who are thinking about terminating a pregnancy but don’t know what to expect, can you share any fact-based information around what the medical procedure involves and how easy or difficult it was to access abortion care?

As mentioned above you can self-refer to a clinic which means it doesn’t need to go on your medical record or through your GP.  This is all arranged in a phone call and then helpful information sent over email. As well as a text explaining where to go at the clinic. They advise me to wear comfortable and loose clothing. Also, to arrive with a sanitary towel already fitted in your underwear.

Further to this to bring a bottle of water and have paracetamol and Ibuprofen at home ready to take. At the appointment I had my blood pressure taken to start off with because I was nervous, she had to take it twice till I had a few deep breathes. Then I had to answer questions on your medical history. I then had a skin prick test in which the blood is used to test for HIV which didn’t hurt. The nurse then took me to a bed and gave me an ultrasound to check the stage of pregnancy the cold jelly was a bit of a shock. She also asked me if I wanted to see the screen I said no. It then automatically printed a picture that I never saw.

After this she confirmed with me, I wanted to make this choice and then phoned another doctor to advise she had checked everything and I wanted to continue. You need 2 doctors to sign off but I never had to speak to the doctor on the phone. She was then able to give me the first tablet. The first tablet I took in front of her orally and was the same size as a normal tablet of paracetamol. She then gave me another tablet of similar size and advised me to go behind the curtain and with a glove and two fingers to insert it into my vagina as far up as I could. This was an easy process and felt similar to inserting a tampon.  I was then given a test for Chlamydia to do at home and send back in the post. She then asked me if I had any questions I advised no and she gave me a leaflet on contraception.

Then I left the clinic and got a taxi to my home. After this around 2 hours later I started to have diarrhoea which is normal. I was advised to take 2 paracetamol and 2 ibuprofens, I did this every 6 hours. After 2 more hours, I started to bleed very lightly and felt slightly shivery. The next day the diarrhoea had eased, and I had a heavy feeling of pulling in my stomach feeling very similar to period pains. The next day the bleeding was heavier I used nighttime sanitary towels. When I went to the toilet it looked the same as a period with a bit more clotting. I bled for around 5-7 days and stopped taking pain relief medication after 3 days as I felt no pain.

How did you feel after the abortion?

At first, when I finished in the clinic I felt so relieved and tired. I had built up in my head I just had to get to this point and it all felt very overwhelming that night. That night I cried a lot because I felt like I had been stupid, and I had done something wrong. The next few days I felt relieved and with that came a sense of guilt. I was so happy that I was no longer pregnant, but I felt guilty that I should feel so relieved and happy as anything I had seen in the media or with friends and family pregnancy and babies were a joyous thing to be celebrated.

I also felt guilty that other people really want to have children and I didn’t want to. It felt hard to feel so relieved about abortion when often in mainstream media it was this thing that had to carry shame and unhappiness. I was also nervous about bleeding and had this nightmare of seeing a fully formed baby in a miniature version in my sanitary towel. It felt hard every day of bleeding to be reminded of what was happening. I kept having waves of sadness that would come and go relating to ruining the excitement of ever having children. It also felt like every time I was sad, I needed to be sad as a punishment for having an abortion. It took me a few weeks to not feel like this and feel like life was normal again.

What level of aftercare and support did you have?

I was aware the charity ran a support line that I could phone at any time and give my name and password and they would know who I was. I used this support line once a few days after to ask about feeling guilty about my relief, they were extremely helpful and told me this was completely normal. I also never felt unsafe it felt like with all the information they had given me I was able to know what my body was doing, and I was fully in control.

As I had told my two best friends and boyfriend, I spoke to them at different points to talk about how I felt. Even if I didn’t speak about how I felt, it felt comforting to be around any of them as it felt like I could just be myself as they knew what was going on. I’m still extremely grateful I felt able to tell my best friends and they were so calm and caring.

Did you ever experience feelings of shame, secrecy or judgement around your decision to have an abortion, at all?

I felt a sense of shame in that it felt like I had been uncareful or stupid. This was something I felt initially when I found out I was pregnant and returned after I had the abortion. I was also aware that everyone I would meet in my life probably had an opinion on abortion it scared me that the topic might ever come up in conversation. I felt scared about hearing someone’s opinion and feeling judged. I avoided programmes that mentioned abortions and would turn off films if they touched on the subject for around 6 months after.

It felt like I needed to keep a secret from my family because I didn’t want to think they would be disappointed in me. I also didn’t tell any other friends other than my two best friends because I didn’t know anyone who had an abortion so I wasn’t sure whether other friends would define me as their friend who had an abortion.

Having gone through the experience yourself, and despite how common it is (1 in 3 women have an abortion by 45), why do you think it’s still such an off-limits taboo subject?

I think it feels like such a off-limits subject because there a narrative for women that we are maternal beings and that should mean we would want to be procreate and to go against that feels hard to say without fear of judgement. I found it taboo because I did not want to upset anyone or hear an opinion which might upset me. The biggest thing to me felt like an abortion felt defining. The same way as someone defines and calls themself a mother it feels like the wrong person might define me in negative way as someone who has had an abortion. I also think the conversation in the media and online often makes the conversation a moral conversation. Whereas it is simply and choice and that choice is not something that can be right or wrong it is individual.

How can we all do more to end abortion stigma and encourage others to talk about it like any other medical procedure? What do you think is going to be the real catalyst for change?

I think the more women like myself speak out. The more we share our stories will encourage others to share their story. We need to change the conversation to not be one of agreeing/disagreeing but about listening to how someone feels and what they want for their body and their future. Making women feel like the choice is theirs without judgement, having conversations about abortion should be about someone sharing their story without hearing someone else opinion on their story. I think this will also help other people understand exactly how and why women have made their decisions which can only bring more understanding. We have to continue empowering women to understand it is their body and their choice.

I believe the real catalyst of change will be when abortion is legal in every country and as simple and easy as possible for women to access with enough understanding that they can make a clear and informed decision. The media also need to stop sticking to stereotypical depictions of people who have abortions being young, careless and often promiscuous women. Instead, they need to be showing the reality that it is not a horrific procedure and as I witnessed in the waiting room before my appointment the women are mostly above 30 and have other children and partners. 

For anyone going through an abortion now, or considering having one, what advice would you offer them?

I would advise you to think about your future and the things you want. I would advise you to take some time for yourself and spend a few hours or a day thinking about all your options and how you feel about each option. Try not to feel shame and judgement and simply the things you want right now in life. I would also advise using free therapy that is offered by lots of clinics if you feel like you’d rather talk to a stranger. I found it helpful to speak to the people I trusted most in the world not for their opinion but just to talk it out. It can feel lonely thinking about abortion it can really help to know you’ve told someone you trust how you felt. Mostly whatever you want is okay, and whatever you don’t want is okay and you have the choice to decide your future no one else.