We're clinging onto everything that feels normal and comforting and sometimes that comes in the form of an online order delivered straight to your door.
We might still be hibernating in lockdown 3.0 but a little scroll of ASOS never hurt anyone, right?! A new year means new trends and new intentions, so a haul that dips into the latest lust-worthy items or a couple of old favourites (yes we STILL can’t stop buying loungewear) might be just the ticket for brightening up this dull ol’ month.
No matter the circumstances, there can still be happiness found in putting on an outfit you feel 10/10 in, blow-drying your hair and drinking some bubbles on the weekend.
Lockdown has shown us the items we really can’t live without and the small joys that can come from indulging in some retail therapy every now and again. No matter the circumstances, there can still be happiness found in putting on an outfit you feel 10/10 in, blow-drying your hair and drinking some bubbles on the weekend- we refuse to give up the feel-good rush that signifies the end of the working week and time to relax, albeit it still sat on the sofa. And why not spice up with the day with a brief interaction with your DPD driver and faux haul unboxing with your flatmate or unwilling S/O?!
We’re clinging onto everything that feels normal and comforting and sometimes that comes in the form of an online order delivered straight to your door.
Lareese
Don’t mind me, I’m just over here trying to fill a gaping void called lockdown 15.0. Forgive me, emotions are high and therefore I need a notepad with croissants on it. I’m dedicating this round of Weekly Wants to anything that puts a smile on my face so I’ve gone for a right ol’ mix of fancy PJs (I just got deja vu from like, the whole of 2020), fancy face stuff and fancy stationery. All to be seen and appreciated by no one other than the living room. What a flaming liberty.
Lockdown 3.0 has definitely sent me on a spending spree, packages arriving at my door are the most exciting thing in my life right now. I am loving neutral tones (as per), so I’ve picked up a few sweatshirts and long-sleeved tops in brown/beige shades. I also found the cutest bag on Zara and just had to buy it! Gives me Balenciaga on a budget vibes. Tik Tok heavily influences my shopping habits and there’s a cloud jumper I’ve seen doing the rounds so I purchased that baby once I tracked it down on ASOS.
I love this little set by & Other Stories and after buying some lovely jumpers from there before Christmas, you just can’t argue with the quality of their garments. Super cute but also cosy, ready for when we MIGHT leave the house and see people in the next three months….
Like most of us, I am still living in knitwear and loungewear and I must say have been really tempted to buy a few new pieces I’ve spotted recently, especially as it’s been SO chilly lately. I’m trying not to go too crazy though as by the time we’re let out in the real world it will probably be Spring and we will be shedding our layers again!
I’m not normally one for spending money in the New Year, but I’ve got nothing else to spend my money on this January so let’s go wild. I still need to buy some furnishings for my new home and sort out my spring wardrobe so there’s a few things I’ve got my eye on! This cloud coat from skinnydip, I have the strawberry one already and it is the warmest thing ever. You can’t have too many statement coats, can you?! Vase because I’m manifesting being brought loads of flowers in 2021. And lots of clothes and accessories for all the fun places I’m going to be going.
I’ve barely been shopping at all during the pandemic but on the occasions when something does catch my eye, I like to make sure there’s longevity to it and that I’ll immediately get my wear out of it! Slippers, socks and comfy underwear definitely fit into that category and are much appreciated as we carry on working from home. Nice top half items are also justifiable in my eyes as you can never have enough Zoom appropriate items to hand!
Whether you’ve been a victim of revenge porn or you’re here to read up on your rights so you know exactly how to handle yourself, this blog post details everything you need to know.
Since the advent of social media, online dating and instant messaging, sending and receiving videos and pictures has become an intrinsic part of how we live our lives. Sharing videos and photos has never been easier nor more instant, and whilst modern technology has its benefits, it undoubtedly has an ugly side too, cyberbullying, upskirting, sextortion and revenge porn to name a few.
Once someone you’ve been intimate with has a nude or semi-naked photo or video of you, it’s increasingly difficult to control where it ends up, especially if that relationship breaks down or ends on less than amicable terms.
The BBC recently reported a surge in cases, with campaigners suggesting the crime has been exacerbated by lockdown.
Revenge porn – the act of distributing non-consensual sexual material on the internet – can have devastating and far-reaching effects on the victim’s mental health. Since legislation in 2015, it has been illegal to share such content both online and offline, however, the BBC recently reported a surge in cases, with campaigners suggesting the crime has been exacerbated by lockdown.
The dedicated Revenge Porn Helpline reported a record number of calls in August 2020 with two-thirds of reported cases involving women, whilst research by domestic violence charity Refuge showed that one in seven young women have been threatened with sharing intimate photos or film without their consent. Lisa King, director of communications and external affairs at Refuge said, “Threatening to share intimate images isn’t yet a crime which means millions of women have been controlled and coerced by their abusers and are made to live with the fear that this may happen to them.” Refuge is now calling on the government to change legislation to give victims the protection they need.
All of this is evidence enough that revenge porn is shockingly common and we still need to keep the conversation going to drive further legislation and awareness of this appalling crime.
This is image-based sexual abuse not a bit of kinky fun and private images should stay private. Whether you’ve been a victim of revenge porn or you’re here to read up on your rights so you know exactly how to handle yourself, this blog post details everything you need to know.
What exactly is revenge porn?
Revenge porn, also known as intimate image abuse and non-consensual pornography, refers to the sharing of private intimate content, either videos or photos, without consent and with the intent to cause distress. It applies both online and offline and includes showing someone a physical or electronic image, uploading it to the internet or sharing via text message, email or other instant messaging apps. Most victims are women but it’s a crime that affects every gender identity.
Most victims are women but it’s a crime that affects every gender identity.
Sexual material or intimate content doesn’t just refer to explicit images or footage showing genitals but anything the person would consider to be sexual, including posing in a sexually provocative way or performing a sex act.
What does the law say about revenge porn?
In England, Wales and Scotland revenge porn was made a criminal offence under the Criminal Justice and Courts Act 2015. If you are found guilty of the offence, you could be prosecuted and sentenced for up to two years in prison.
As part of a new Law Commission review around online abuse, revenge porn victims could also be granted anonymity, so they can no longer be named publicly. Currently, revenge porn is classified as a communications crime meaning victims are not granted the same automatic anonymity as victims of sexual abuse. It will also review whether cyber-flashing and deepfake pornography (when an individual’s face is superimposed onto pornographic content and made to look and sound realistic) should be criminalised. The ministry of justice is due to report back later this year.
What to do if you’re a victim of revenge porn…
Report it
If someone has shared a private sexual video or image of you without your consent, you can report this to the police by dialling 101, if it’s an emergency and you’re in immediate danger, dial 999.
You can also reach out to The Revenge Porn Helpline – the UK’s only service dedicated to supporting adults who have been the victim of intimate image abuse.
You can also reach out to The Revenge Porn Helpline – the UK’s only service dedicated to supporting adults who have been the victim of intimate image abuse. The dedicated helpline was established in 2015 alongside the legislation that made sharing intimate photos and videos without consent a criminal offence. Their committed team of helpline practitioners give 1-1 confidential advice and support on everything from social media community guidelines, content removal and what evidence you need to gather when reporting the crime to the authorities as well as legal advice. They can also give confidential advice on upskirting, threats to share intimate images and webcam blackmail (sextortion).
Due to current covid-19 restrictions, The Revenge Porn Helpline is operating an email-only service, open Monday – Friday 10am-4pm. Reach out here: help@revengepornhelpline.org.uk
Keep all the evidence
Always take screenshots or print hard copies of the content where it’s been shared/posted (social media, website, email) or any communication threatening to share said content. Once you’ve reported the intimate content for violating community guidelines, social media sites can take it down pretty quickly. Make sure you’ve always got the proof.
Tell your friends & family
While this egregious crime might make you feel like hiding away, this is absolutely not your fault and you definitely don’t deserve to carry the burden. Someone did a sh*tty very illegal thing to you. They violated your body and your trust and that’s on them.
Someone did a sh*tty very illegal thing to you. They violated your body and your trust and that’s on them.
Opening up to your close friends and family about what’s happened to you and explaining that you’ve been a victim of internet crime (let’s call it what it is) will help alleviate the humiliation and prepare them, should they see the content on the internet or social media unexpectedly. It’ll also help give them the heads up, so they can be there for you and respond sensitively.
Get ongoing help & support
Remember to focus on the things you can control in this situation, know your legal rights and be compassionate towards yourself. The only person you or anyone else should be judging is the perpetrator. If you’re struggling with your mental health or find yourself internalising feelings of shame or accountability, consider speaking to a therapist who specialises in sexual trauma. You’re not alone.
Let us introduce: 'Regencycore'. Similarly to Cottagecore in its TikTok and Instagram origins, the phrase was coined following the influence of Netflix's latest hit Bridgerton, which has seen the appetite for period drama inspired fashion skyrocket.
Between Bridgerton, The Crown and The Queen’s Gambit, it’s clear that the escapism we seek from an evening of Netflix has transcended beyond simply a different reality, but to a different time period altogether. Let us introduce: ‘Regencycore’. Similarly to Cottagecore in its TikTok and Instagram origins, the phrase was coined following the influence of Netflix’s latest hit Bridgerton, which has seen the appetite for period drama inspired fashion skyrocket.
From empire waistlines to pastel hues, pearl headbands, lace detailing and corseted silhouettes, it’s the ultimate throwback in romantic, whimsical dressing.
From empire waistlines to pastel hues, pearl headbands, lace detailing and corseted silhouettes, it’s the ultimate throwback in romantic, whimsical dressing. Decadence is the key here- minimalist, scandi dressers look away because this trend is rooted in more being more. And whilst it might seem that there are limited occasions with which you can get away with a pearl detailed blouse or renaissance inspired corset, the magic of regal dressing can be found in the small details synonymous with the trend that can be subtle but instantly recognisable.
According to fashion intelligence outlet Lyst, searches for Regencycore fashion have gone wild following the Internet’s Jane Austen worthy love affair with Bridgerton, as searches for corsets were up 123%, pearl and feather headbands up 49%, long gloves up 23% and empire line dresses up a whole 93%. It’s clear that it’s not just the Duke and his spoon that have made a lasting impression on viewers.
Regencycore is reigning over the fashion world in 2021, and if it means an excuse to rewatch Bridgerton for the second (read: fifth) time running then so be it…
Here, we speak to five people about their stories and what adopting has meant for them, as well as some of the invaluable advice they’ve picked up along the way.
Biology has very little to do with a parent’s capacity to love and care for a child and there are more ways to mother a child beyond carrying one in your own body.
It can also be the most incredibly enriching life experience.
Adoption can quite literally change the course of a child’s life and whilst the process can be an emotional rollercoaster of a journey, it can also be the most incredibly enriching life experience.
Here, we speak to five people about their stories and what adopting has meant for them, as well as some of the invaluable advice they’ve picked up along the way.
Marri
Marri adopted her daughter Ellie when she was 18 months old, she’s now 5.
Where did you start with the research process and deciding which adoption agency / local authority to go with?
I have a close family friend who is a retired social worker. She talked me through the process and gave me the contact details for my own local authority and the two neighbouring authorities. There will be support services local to you depending on where you live, so I contacted Scottish Adoption and read over all the information available. I ended up going with a local authority near me, and they were excellent.
What was your biggest motivation for adopting a child?
I’ve wanted to be a mum all my adult life. I wasn’t fortunate enough to meet someone who also wanted to have kids, so adoption felt like an empowering way for me to take control of that. As soon as I made the decision to embark on the adoption process, my determination to be a mum went to a new level. This was no longer about my need to be a mum. This was about a child who needed a mum.
Can you talk us through what to expect from the adoption process? (Timescales, interview questions, training, first introductions, the matching panel)
My telephone enquiry led to a visit from a social worker for an initial assessment and to complete paperwork. As a single adopter, I asked if my mum could be present during the visit. I still smile when I think back to that night. My mum showed the social worker my spare room and even told her I was a good baker! She basically gave me a glowing reference. I felt so emotional seeing how badly my mum wanted this for me too, and proud to have her unwavering support. I really liked the social worker who did that initial visit and hoped I’d get her allocated to me. As luck would have it, I did, and she was amazing.
The next step was to attend preparation groups. These classes took place over a number of weekends. They covered a lot of detail about what to expect from the process – it was a ‘warts all’ approach, covering the importance of acceptance, risks of known and unknown health conditions, connection, heritage, discrimination, preconceptions, prejudice. I was the only single person in our group. I remember sitting in my car on the morning of our first class watching all the couples walking in, taking hands, arms round each other. I buckled and called my best friend. She told me to walk in there with my head up and keep my eyes on the prize. I met some good people in that group, including a couple from the same town I live in. We made friends instantly, we’ve been close pals ever since and now our daughters are best friends.
After the preparation groups, I was allocated my social worker, Joanne. She had my back from day one and I had complete faith in her, which is crucial when you are bearing your soul to someone, as happens when you enter the next stage of the process – the paper work. As an adopter, single or a couple, you need to complete a form which speaks to who you are, what your motivations are, your family, your upbringing, your views, your ability to cope with life’s transitions, your resilience, your support networks. No drawer is left unturned, no skeleton is left hiding in the cupboard behind far too many pairs of shoes. When you tell people about this part of the process, they seem quite appalled; ‘it’s terrible you have to do all that when most people can have a baby without batting an eye’. I never viewed this part of the process as anything but necessary, essential. I also made a decision to see it as cathartic; a healthy reflection on who I am, and what I have to offer. The completion of the paperwork took place over the course of a year, in my case. Some of the form was written by my social worker following in depth conversations, some of it I wrote myself and submitted. My parents and some very close friends also submitted personal references. I had to attach a photo of myself to the form. Scrolling through my phone, I realised I didn’t have many which didn’t have me holding a cocktail. A work friend took a picture of me sitting at my desk, smiling, scared, determined. My daughter will read this form one day and I hope it makes her feel proud.
The next stage is the panel for approval, and then it’s a waiting game. For many adopters, they view that panel approval as being the positive pregnancy test. You know you will be a parent, but in this way, there is no gestation period. It’s all in the hands of your social worker, and the social worker of a child in ‘permanency’, to make that match. Six weeks after I was formally approved, my social worker rang me to say she had a file for me to read. It was a baby girl who had just turned one year old. I will never forget that phone call as long as I live.
My social worker sent me the file to read and followed this up by texting me a photo of the baby girl. It had been taken on her first birthday, only two months prior. Her big blue eyes, her wee face, I knew the second I saw that photo she was mine.
My social worker visited me with my daughter’s social worker, and from there we were formally matched. I set to work. A buggy, a cot, toys, clothes – many, many clothes, books, more clothes, adoption leave from work, savings cashed in for adoption leave, nights out with my friends before it was ‘all over’, more clothes but this time for me – what look would I go for now I was going to be a mum? Goodbye, high heels – hello, high tops. I was ready.
I was able to connect to my daughter’s foster carer, Elizabeth, via my social worker, so in the 3-4 months between the match and our introduction, Elizabeth and I met for a coffee and swapped numbers. She sent me photos and videos every week, and it really helped me to connect to my daughter before I’d even met her.
It was so important to me that the transition period was as smooth as possible for my daughter, who had already been through a lot in her 18 short months on the planet. I slept with a teddy bear every night for two weeks before we met to get my scent onto something comforting for her which her foster family gave to her before our introduction week. I also found out what type of washing powder her foster carers were using so I could buy the same and try and maintain some familiarity for her.
The night before our introduction day was surreal. Three years after I picked up the phone to the local authority and asked that question – ‘can single people adopt’ – here I was, preparing to meet my daughter in the morning.
I knocked the door, and in I went. There she was, sitting on the floor, playing with her toys. There she was, my girl.
What criteria must you meet before you can adopt?
In Scotland you have to be over 21, but other factors are taken into consideration, such as having a spare room, healthy and fit enough to care for a child, and not banned from working with/being around children.
Meeting a panel of independent experts to discuss whether the applicant/s should be formally approved must be a pretty daunting experience, how did you prepare for that?
Your social worker won’t take you to the panel unless you’re all set for approval. It’s daunting, yes, but all the hard work is done by this point. Everything you do from that first ever enquiry has prepared you for this part of the process. In some ways, it’s the easy bit.
What support did you receive throughout the adoption process and afterwards?
My social worker was very supportive, and I had good peer support from the people I met in the preparation groups, but the support from my friends and family during – and since – has been phenomenal.
What’s your best advice for anyone considering adoption or just beginning their journey?
Somewhere out there is a child, or children, waiting for a forever family. Keep on going. For as long as I can remember, I knew I would be a mum to a little girl.
I planned for it and constantly envisioned what it would be like, what I’d be like as a mum, and eventually my wildest dreams came true. Marri
I planned for it and constantly envisioned what it would be like, what I’d be like as a mum, and eventually my wildest dreams came true. Never lose sight of the end goal, it’s not an easy path to follow however the feeling you get when you get to take your little one home for the first time is unrivalled. It makes every single part of the process worth it.
Do you have any particularly special milestone moments, trials and triumphs that you feel you could share for prospective adopters?
So, so many. The first night she slept in our house; the first time my dad picked her up and said ‘I’m your grampa’; the first time I pushed her in a swing; the first time she called me ‘mama’. I doubt there is much I’ll ever forget. No parenting trajectory is easy, I know that, and adoption is is no mean feat. My daughter is almost 5 now, and her mood can swing from Disney Princess to Disney Villain with terrifying ease – but the triumphs far outweigh the trials.
What was the most valuable piece of advice you received along the way?
My best friend telling me to keep my eyes on the prize at that first preparation group, which kept me going all the way through the process.
How do you prepare for when your child starts asking important and inevitable questions about their birth family and how do you ensure that your child is always aware of their history growing up?
I tell my daughter her story as part of her bedtime routine; how mummy wanted a baby but not just any baby – the best baby, the bravest baby, the smartest baby, the kindest baby. And that out of all the babies in all the world, I picked you.
The more honest I am with her from this young age, the more blasé I hope she will be about being adopted.Marri
The more honest I am with her from this young age, the more blasé I hope she will be about being adopted. I will answer her questions. I will take her worries, her fears, her hurt and I will comfort her, soothe her, reassure her. If and when she wants to find any birth connections, I will help her, I will drive her there myself. I won’t shy away from hard questions and I won’t make it about me.
What does life look like for you as a family today?
Being Ellie’s mum is like having front row tickets to the best show in town. She’s funny, curious, kind and whip smart. She is a force of nature and my biggest inspiration. Everything I do is for her and for our little family unit. We have so much love and support in our lives, but when all is said and done it’s us against the world, and I could not be happier.
Luke
Luke and his husband Sam are currently in the process of adopting.
Where did you start with the research process and deciding which adoption agency / local authority to go with?
We started our research by looking online for adoption agencies near us. We used the website first4adoption.org.uk which has lots of really useful information regarding the adoption process and it has a ‘find an agency’ function that will provide you with a list of nearby agencies. We then went along to an adoption information event held by our local authority and decided that was the way we wanted to proceed.
What was your biggest motivation for adopting a child?
My husband Sam and I have always wanted to be parents, and with being a gay couple we always knew that either adoption, fostering or surrogacy would be the way for us to have a family. After a lot of thought, we felt that because there are so many children out there that need a loving home, adoption would be the right path for us. We really feel that we have the skills, love and patience it takes to raise an adopted child.
Can you talk us through what to expect from the adoption process?
When you register your interest to adopt, you have a ‘home visit’ with your appointed social worker. This is a 3-hour informal meeting where you will discuss a whole host of topics such as, why you want to adopt, your financial situation, what you are like as a couple/family, medical history and what your own upbringing/family life like was like. We were then booked onto a two-day training course which was really informative and a great opportunity to meet other people going through the process as well.
It can feel a little invasive at first, but it’s just so that your social worker can get you to know you as much as possible. Luke
Then when you start Stage One, you can expect a lot of paperwork! We were asked to produce financial reports, family trees, support network maps, health & safety reports on our home and a questionnaire that asks more detailed questions about our upbringing, our relationship with our own families and what kind of parents we think we would be. It can feel a little invasive at first, but it’s just so that your social worker can get you to know you as much as possible.
I personally found it quite therapeutic to reflect on my own upbringing and to think about what I would take or not take from my childhood experiences into my own prenatal journey. In regards to timescales, I was surprised at how quick the process can take! We are just coming to the end of Stage One, which has taken us just over 3 months (with a slight delay thanks to Covid!) We then hope to complete Stage Two within 4 months!
What criteria must you meet before you can adopt?
The criteria for us to be able to adopt through our local authority was that we had to be over 21, have lived in the UK for longer than a year and be clear of any criminal convictions or cautions. Other than that, you can be single, married, unmarried, be from any ethnic or religious background, be heterosexual, bisexual, gay or transgender, be a homeowner or living in rented accommodation, be employed or receiving benefits.
What support did you receive throughout the adoption process and afterwards?
We have received so much support from our social worker throughout the process so far. They are always at the end of the phone or an email if we have any questions or worries. We will have the same social worker for the whole process and they continue to support us even after we (hopefully!) adopt a child. Our local authority also organises two events a year for adopters and their families and there are several support groups for adoptive families.
What’s your best advice for anyone considering adoption or just beginning their journey?
Attend an information event, they are really informative and you will know if adoption is the right path for you after going to one of these. Also, a big thing that will help for being considered for adoption will be how much childcare experience you have. So, start clocking up with hours and spend as much time with any children you have in our life! If that’s not an option then I would suggest volunteering at your local nursery or school, this would look great on your file when going to the adoption panel!
Emma
Where did you start with the research process and deciding which adoption agency / local authority to go with?
After we had decided that we wanted to adopt we attended an open evening with our local authority. We didn’t really look into adoption agencies since we would only be able to take on a newborn. While we were waiting to attend the open evening we did a lot of reading around the area of adoption. The best place to look is Adoption UK. Home for Good is also a Christian charity promoting fostering and adoption that is an excellent source of information.
What was your biggest motivation for adopting a child?
We always knew that we wanted a big family. Before we had our eldest child who is now 10 we looked into fostering with our local agency but at the time we were in our early 20’s and felt that it wasn’t the right time to foster. We then went on to have our second child who is now 4 but that thought of fostering was still in the back of our minds. When our second son was nearly 2, my husband were discussing about having another child. Out on a summer walk one day I brought up the subject of adoption and it turns out he had also been thinking about it – the rest is history!
Our biggest motivation is to give a child in need the chance to grow up in a loving and caring home.
Can you talk us through what to expect from the adoption process?
The adoption process is intense! It normally takes 6-9 months. It is split into two stages. Stage 1 is mainly paperwork that needs to be completed. You will answer questions about every aspect of your life from your childhood right through to your current relationships. During this stage, the social workers will also gather references from your employer and friends and family.
If you have any past significant relationships they will also contact them for a reference but don’t let that put you off adopting. They also ask you to make a map of your support network, these are the people that you can lean on throughout this process and once you have been matched with a child. You will also do a chronology which is a timeline of important and significant times in your life. A family tree is also requested. You will also have a DBS check and a medical check with your GP.
Stage 2 is where you will have regular visits, normally weekly with your allocated social worker who will meet you to discuss further everything that you have written in the paperwork that you completed in stage 1. In doing this they will then write it all up into one big report which is called the Parental Assessment Report (PAR) this document is presented to the panel before you go.
During this stage, you will also attend training courses on a variety of subjects to equip you further in your adoption journey. Your social worker will also have a call or visit with your references to discuss things further. You will also give your social worker a rough idea of children you have in mind eg siblings, age, gender, whether you would consider a child with a disability etc
Once you have attended approval panel at the end of stage 1 you wait for that to be signed off by the agency decision maker you are then ready to start family finding! There is no specified length of time on this stage unfortunately. You could be waiting for days or months. We waited 10 weeks before the call about our daughter but friends of ours were linked within 2 weeks. Once you have been formally matched with your child then you go back to panel but this time for them to agree that the match is good and that the adoption can go ahead. That decision also has to be signed off by the agency decision-maker.
In traditional adoption, a plan would then be made for introductions to start. The time scales on these would depend on the child and their age and how long they have been with the foster carer. They will start off really short and gradually get longer. They take place at the foster carers house but towards the end you would take them back to your house. During the introductions, you will have a days break where you will have a meeting with your social worker to reflect on how everything is going. On the day you collect your child and take them home it will be emotional for everyone. Once your child has been home for 10 weeks you can then apply to the courts to legally adopt your child.
We took an alternative route called Foster to Adopt where the child is placed with potential adopters who are also approved as foster carers while the decision is made about their future.Emma
You then get a court hearing which the birth parents can attend. They may contest to the adoption and the hearing be delayed while this is assessed. Once the order has been granted your child is legally yours. You are normally invited to the court to have a celebration hearing with the judge who granted the order and have a photo with them. At this point, your child will receive a new birth certificate with their new name and you listed as their parents.
We took an alternative route called Foster to Adopt where the child is placed with potential adopters who are also approved as foster carers while the decision is made about their future. Children that are normally placed for foster to adopt have a high chance that they will be adopted although there is an inbuilt risk to the adopters as there is a chance the child will return to the birth family. With this route into adoption, you don’t tend to get much notice, we had under 24 hours notice!
What criteria must you meet before you can adopt?
The only main criteria that you must have a spare bedroom, be over the age of 21 and legally a resident of the UK, Isle of Man or Channel Isles for at least 12 months.
Meeting a panel of independent experts to discuss whether the applicant/s should be formally approved must be a pretty daunting experience, how did you prepare for that?
Panel is one of the most nerve-wracking things I have ever done! The best advice, given to me by my social worker, was to just remember that they are not there to catch you out and to just look at it as a one big conversation. You are the topic of conversation and no one knows you better than yourself. Rescue remedy also helps!
What support did you receive throughout the adoption process and afterwards?
We have had such amazing support from our family and friends. They have been with us every step of the way from reassuring messages while we were waiting to be matched to babysitting the boys while we attended our training courses.
What’s your best advice for anyone considering adoption or just beginning their journey?
There is no right time. The path may be long and you may feel like you will never get there but it is so worth it in the end.
Do you have any particularly special milestone moments, trials and triumphs that you feel you could share for prospective adopters?
Watching our boys meet our daughter for the first time was so special. She was 3 days old and we hadn’t told them about her before they left that morning just in case something happened and she didn’t come home to us. The look on both their faces will stay with us forever. Even now 16 months on they are completed besotted with her and adore her. The day she was finally matched with us and we knew that she wasn’t going anywhere was a really special day.
Our journey from placement at 3 days to adoption order at 16 months had a few ups and downs along the way. Good news was often followed quickly by bad news and we needed a lot of patience while the process ground on. There were two particular occasions where we genuinely feared she might be returning to her birth family and those were tough moments and we were preparing ourselves mentally for it. But this has formed such a strong bond with our daughter for all of us because we went through it all together and the elation now at the end is just beautiful!
How do you prepare for when your child starts asking important and inevitable questions about their birth family and how do you ensure that your child is always aware of their history growing up?
When your adoption goes through you are given a life story book which has photos of birth parents and any siblings and also explains the child’s story before they were adopted. You prepare by ensuring that you are open and honest with them from the start. Ensure that you know all the information and what you would say to them in a child-friendly way. You are also encouraged to tell them from an early age so that although they may not understand it fully they are aware of it.
We want our daughter to understand her story from an early age. She has a different heritage to us as well so we want to try and keep that connection for her as well by incorporating traditions from that country into our lives.
What does life look like for you as a family today?
Family life today is hectic!! We have 3 children aged 10, 4 and 16 months. We wouldn’t have it any other way. The love and bond that they have for each other is amazing and I can’t wait for them to grow up together. We also haven’t ruled out the idea of adopting again! Just not yet!
Natasha
Natasha is currently in the adoption process.
Where did you start with the research process and deciding which adoption agency / local authority to go with?
I think the first start was looking for an adoption agency/Local authority. We also went onto to the adoption UK website which is an amazing resource. We read through all the steps in the process to get familiar with them. Once we were fully decided we contacted our local authority. We had a conversation with them and we went from there. We had to wait for a while due to Covid as they couldn’t do the usual information meetings they do. They were just trying to get things set up for virtual training and meetings. There is also an amazing podcast on the BBC sounds called the adoption.
What was your biggest motivation for adopting a child?
I have a condition called Turners syndrome. This means I cannot have children naturally. I have known this since I was in school. It was a condition I was diagnosed at birth. I have always wanted to be a mom and I feel it would be a great gift to give a little one a loving and stable home.
Can you talk us through what to expect from the adoption process?
I would say in general without any breaks or anything it could be a years process all in all. Sometimes it may be quicker for other potential adopters. It will pretty much be a year for us by the time we go to the panel. So through the local authority, the time scale is as follows: You have to attend an information event. Then you fill out an expression of interest form. After that, you attend what’s called foundation day training. After this, you can then say you want to proceed onto stage 1.
Stage 1 in general can take 2 months sometimes slightly longer. Stage 1 includes doing 2 workbooks where you answer a lot of questions on your motivation for adoption, life timeline and family background. Then once stage 1 is complete you have the stage 1 review which then you decide on whether you want a little breather or you proceed onto stage 2. The stage 1 social worker will recommend you for stage 2 if they are happy with everything. You then wait to be allocated a stage 2 social worker.
Once stage 2 is officially started it is around 4 months to panel. The social worker has a few sessions with you to get to know you well and to go through the matching criteria at length. They also need to do a check of your house etc for safety etc. Once all that is done they get you ready for panel. Sometimes you may be matched with a child before panel and then you could have matching panel the same day as approval panel. That isn’t always the case though.
Once you have gone through approval panel and you are hopefully approved you can then start fully family finding. Once you have a match then you would go to matching panel. If that is all agreed then you would start introductions a week to two weeks after. Depending on how much transition time the child needs, will determine how long the intros are and that. Once that’s done then its time for them to come and live with you in their forever home. I would say if all goes smoothly and you find a match quite quickly it would be a 9-month process all in all to being approved. I think in general though it will be just over a year. Depending on your matching criteria, a match could happen quickly or it might be a few months wait for the right child. It also depends on which children have come through into the system as well.
What criteria must you meet before you can adopt?
You have to have a home either owned or rented with a room to accommodate a child. You have to be able to support them financially. You don’t have to be a couple. You can be a single parent. I would say having child care experience would be extremely helpful.
Meeting a panel of independent experts to discuss whether the applicant/s should be formally approved must be a pretty daunting experience, how did you prepare for that?
Yes very daunting but your social worker works with you and prepares you as much as possible for the panel. We haven’t been to panel yet but will be soon #fingerscrossed
What support did you receive throughout the adoption process?
There are a few training days which prepare you and you have your assigned to you who is there to help as much as possible and provide support. They also will still be there for support after the child is placed with you.
What’s your best advice for anyone considering adoption or just beginning their journey?
I would say have patience and be open-minded. It might feel long but the end result will be so worth it. I think just do your research and embrace the training. Also, I would recommend speaking to other adopters about their experiences.
Do you have any particularly special milestone moments, trials and triumphs that you feel you could share for prospective adopters?
So far the triumph has been getting to stage 2 and now full on to Panel. We have everything crossed for the day of panel and hopefully matching panel soon as well. I think the hardest part is waiting. Waiting to move on from stage 1 to stage 2. Waiting to be allocated your stage 2 social worker. Waiting for your adopters report to be ready for panel and to go to panel. Waiting to be matched and introduced to your child. So if you can stick through it, in the end, everything will be even more special.
What was the most valuable piece of advice you received along the way?
Manage your expectations and ideas you had about what adoption will be like and going through the process.
How do you prepare for when your child starts asking important and inevitable questions about their birth family and how do you ensure that your child is always aware of their history growing up?
This is discussed in the training you receive and there is also further training on life story work. Where you put their life story in a book and the social workers help with this as well. You get to find out their background so you can explain it to them at age-appropriate times. I think it’s about keeping that discussion open with them throughout.
At the moment it is just my husband and myself with our lovely cockapoo Luna. We are ready to welcome a little one hopefully this year. Natasha
You also in a lot of cases get to meet the birth parents/parent at least once, so you can tell your child how they look and what they are like. This will help them with their identity. Our child will know from the start that they are adopted so it isn’t a shock when they are older. At the moment it is just my husband and myself with our lovely cockapoo Luna. We are ready to welcome a little one hopefully this year.
Helena
Helena has two adopted sons – aged 17 and 19. Her youngest is also her oldest as she adopted him first when he was 9 months. His older half brother joined them a year and a half later when he was 4.
What support did you receive throughout the adoption process and afterwards?
Support has been essential to me – my Local Authority (whom I adopted through) have a support service which has been available to me throughout and I still use them – this week even. Psychologists and social workers have attended meetings at school with me when issues arose and give me continued guidance and support. Family and friends have also been amazing – my parents and sister have been my strength when times have been hard.
There are support groups, online communities, web sites, books, some great Instagram accounts of other adopters who give perspective and advice – anywhere I can get it I do!
What’s your best advice for anyone considering adoption or just beginning their journey?
My advice to anyone thinking of adopting is to go into it with an open mind, try to gain as much training/advice before and ongoing, be willing to adapt and change, be strong and resilient, and to make sure you have a good support network.
What was the most valuable piece of advice you received along the way?
The most valuable piece of advice I have received is to live in the moment – enjoy the good times, and know that if it’s a challenging time it won’t last forever – things change and move on.
How do you prepare for when your child starts asking important and inevitable questions about their birth family and how do you ensure that your child is always aware of their history growing up?
Every adopted has a birth family – and these families are part of our children forever. It is important to be respectful of their birth family whatever the circumstances as it is part of them. Talk about birth family from the start and give age-appropriate information, answer questions as honestly as you can – again age-appropriate. Like all children, questions can come at the most random times so be ready!
I am so proud of the young men they are becoming and how they have managed to navigate their way through the challenges they have had to face which come from being adopted.Helena
I am so proud of the young men they are becoming and how they have managed to navigate their way through the challenges they have had to face which come from being adopted. Yes, it has been hard – sometimes extremely- for them and for me parenting them through this – and it still is at times. But it is worth it all for me as, quite simply, they are my children and I love them unconditionally.
We’ve no doubt that your priorities changed along with your plans in the past 365 days, forcing you to find new and innovative ways to achieve relaxation normally only found with a spa day or week in the sun- ahh holidays!
Can we get a hell yeah for self-care?! 2020 felt like the year of surviving without the thriving, making the importance of finding true moments of relaxation and self-soothing in 2021 a new year’s resolution worth keeping. We’ve no doubt that your priorities changed along with your plans in the past 365 days, forcing you to find new and innovative ways to achieve relaxation normally only found with a spa day or week in the sun- ahh holidays!
But in truth, though those things give us a big hit of relaxation that’s often well overdue, it’s actually the smaller but more conscious habits in our day to day that can make the biggest of differences. We’re talking fresh bedding, lavender sleep spray, a good book (check out our book club if you’re in need of inspo), 10 minutes of yoga in the morning or even something as simple as lighting a candle whilst you WFH. Savouring those sweet but simple moments in life not only calms down the brain and nervous system but helps place emphasis on the gratitude for all that you do have within your means. So take a deep breath, pause, and let the zen begin.
Zoe
I love that feeling of a fresh new year and starting it off in the break between Christmas and New Year where you re-evaluate all your regimes and put self-care first. If I need to relax, I light my favourite candle, run myself a bath, use a body lotion that is full of ingredients to help get a better nights sleep (both Sleepy by LUSH and the Neom Organics Magnesium body lotion are brilliant) I love these space masks, they send me to sleep in minutes! I also like to spray my bedding with the Twilight spray from LUSH too!
January is the month to sink into solace & self-care and ease yourself into the new year. Lighting a candle is the number one wellbeing ritual that automatically calms and balances my mind. When I’m working from home, an essential oil diffuser is great for making my workspace feel welcoming and after a long day of staring at three different screens, I love nothing more than to slide away into the tub, spiked with salts and bath oil and unplug with a good book.
As much as I love the whole of December, I absolutely love January. The pressure is off, and you can just chill. This year I’m going to try and slow down and make my life a bit less hectic so I’ve made a few purchases to help me. There is no better way to relax than in the bath so you bet I’ll be heading to lush. Chuck on a Harry Potter film and a nice scented candle and I am the epitome of relaxed.
For me, relaxation is reading in a hot bath, with a hair mask and a face mask followed by freshly washed pyjamas so that’s exactly what I’ve picked! There are a few of my self-care faves and of course, I’m currently tucking into the Zoella Book Club January pick – The Midnight Library by Matt Haig.
I feel super refreshed after Christmas and new year and I want to maintain that calm and centred feeling for the rest of the year! Mindfulness has become really important for me recently and my evening routine of meditation using the Calm app, lavender spray on my pillow and a toasty hot water bottle makes me feel so zen! Speaking of sleep, nothing beats that fresh bedding feeling and H&M do a fab range of soft furnishings that don’t break the bank.
Relaxation is so, so, so important, but especially in times like this when we are spending so much time at home and away from our loved ones, self-care and switching off can really help boost your mood! I have had my Neom Wellbeing Pod for a year now and I bloody love it still, it just makes any space feel super zen. I also use the Calm App every day, it is great for meditations, especially as a beginner as you can do really short 10 minute ones. I also use it for the sleep stories at night too, it absolutely makes me sleep better. This Works deep sleep pillow spray is amazing too. Lastly a yoga matt and some crystals, I find yoga really relaxing but also energising, crystals also can really uplift a space, especially if you look into cleansing and recharging them.
January is always a bit of a tricky month and I think this year it’s going to feel even more so than usual. This is why it’s imperative that we are kind to each other and gentle with ourselves as we start to wonder what this new year will bring. The Lush sleepy range has been a favourite of mine for years and always works wonders to help me unwind after a busy day. Another beautiful brand for unwinding is Neom, they have pillow mists and candles designed to help you relax. A nice warm bath is always my go-to and there’s nothing better than filling your bath full of lovely products to destress, bath salts and soaks from brands like Cowshed and Mamamio are a dream.
Between You And Me Answering Your Problems Part 12
In this month’s BYAM, we’re talking overprotective parents, coping with the prospect of another Hokey Cokey year in and out of lockdowns, flaky dads cancelling plans on the regs, letting go of a relationship for travel plans and reservations about going on the pill.
Welcome back to our monthly check-in otherwise known as Between You And Me – chatty confidential advice from your friendly neighbourhood twenty/thirty-somethings on this cosy corner of the internet.
In this month’s BYAM, we’re talking overprotective parents, coping with the prospect of another Hokey Cokey year in and out of lockdowns, flaky dads cancelling plans on the regs, letting go of a relationship for travel plans and reservations about going on the pill.
If you’re in a bit of a tizzy about something and you’d like to ask WWYD, email in to betweenyouandme@zoella.co.uk and we’ll do our best to come back with some solid life advice.
Danielle
Hey anon, thank you for writing in with your troubles, this is such a mature problem you’ve found yourself in you clearly have a great head on your shoulders for only being 21. First of all, I can completely sympathise with the fact impending doom is affecting your mental health, of course, it is, it’s an awful situation! Here are the positives; you are in a relationship with someone you love very much, he’s your best friend, and he’s passionate about his career which is hard to come by! You basically don’t know what the future holds so try not to sabotage what you have before it’s officially taken away from you. The past year is as good a sign as any that you really never know what’s around the corner so you should treasure what you have whilst you’ve got it. Don’t try and imagine what the future will be like when he goes too much maybe it’s best not to put a label on what you will or won’t be when he eventually goes. It seems a bit extreme to go from a loving relationship to absolutely nothing just because you’ll both be busy. If you guys are meant to be I’m sure you’ll find your way back to each other, and if you are not I’m sure you’ll find someone you love in the future (even if that’s not what you want to hear!) Maybe start thinking about your own career or what you want to achieve in life and put your energy into that to distract you when he eventually leaves. And finally, without being a patronising 30 year old, you are super young and have so much exciting life ahead of you! If I was still with the person I was with when I was 21 my life would look VERY different! What’s for you won’t pass you by…
Holly
Hello lovely human,
I completely understand your pain, I’m sorry you’re having to make such big decisions prematurely. For what it’s worth, I think it’s really great that you both are mature enough to realise that you can’t change your dreams/life plans for someone else.
It sounds like you have a really great relationship, who doesn’t want their partner to also be their best friend?! So take advantage of that and chat to him properly about how you’re feeling. He’s probably thinking exactly the same things but you both love each other too much to bring it up.
I think ending it prematurely would be a mistake. Even if you do only have a few months left together, why not make the most of that. That being said, maybe you could use the coming months to try and transition your relationship to something more casual. Making it a bit easier when he is gone so you won’t miss him as much.
If you’re really sure you don’t want to try long distance, it might be good to have a little break. You do a lot of growing in your 20’s and if you still love each other when he’s back, at least you’ve grown and explored being by yourself.
I’m a strong believer that everything works out how it’s meant to in the end. So while you’re completely valid to be upset and overwhelmed about the current situation, please know it will be OK whatever the outcome.
Sending you love and positivity for what is looking like a tough, but full of life lessons year!
Holly
Darcey
Hey anon!
Thank you for writing in, online dating in the middle of a pandemic is definitely a strange experience at times so I think it’s great you’ve both decided to take things slow, but also fantastic that you are planning future dates for when you can finally meet!
I totally understand keeping the online dating world from your mum, especially if she can be too overprotective of you at times. I think also you have to remember that you are 23 and allowed to have your own privacy, especially when it comes to dating, and that you don’t have to tell your parents everything. I’m the same age as you, and I absolutely never tell my parents about people I’m speaking to from dating apps, as to be honest until it gets more serious, they don’t really need to know! Of course, if I was going on a date though in person, I would let someone know, like a friend, just so someone knows that I am meeting someone online as you should always be precautious.
I think keep chatting to him and enjoying things how they are at the moment, don’t get too ahead with thinking about telling your mum etc. I think once you have met him in person and established that connection with him face-to-face too and had a few great dates, then that would be a good time to start thinking about telling your mum.
I think your mum is most likely a bit over-bearing as she wants to protect you, but I absolutely think having a chat with her about boundaries would be a good idea as you are an adult and need your own space too. We all make mistakes, but we learn from those so being able to choose your own path is absolutely what you need.
This guy from Hinge though sounds lovely, fingers crossed you get to meet in person soon and wishing you all the best in the future!
Danielle
Hey love! Thanks so much for writing in and congratulations in your online dating quest, it’s awesome you’ve managed to find someone who is enriching your life so much especially in a time like this! Stay cool calm and collected though as you never know what the vibe will be like when you meet, or whether you might just be better suited as friends, just bare that in mind, and take each day as it comes, it’ll be interesting when you eventually get to meet after speaking for so long but you clearly have a great connection so YAY! Now for the mum issue, I don’t have super overprotective parents but they definitely we’re always quite involved and even when I’m home now I don’t feel like they treat me like an adult all the time so I can sympathise with you there. Maybe you need to sit your mum down and have an honest conversation with her about boundaries and how she makes you feel sometimes, I would assume that her not giving you the privacy you deserve possibly comes from a place of love and she’s just worried that you’re going to get hurt. You mentioned having a disability which might make her more worried as it’s something she didn’t have to go through. But hey, your 23, you need to be able to make your own mistakes and find your own path as she’ll only end up pushing you away. I’d keep your news about your guy under your hat for now and see how the conversation about boundaries goes… good luck!
Lareese
Hello my love,
I totally agree that whilst we’re basically fluent in the lockdown lingo now, the in and out unpredictability is a bit much to digest and can leave you feeling a bit adrift. Is this just life now?! If we’re really pragmatic about it, we know this isn’t going to be forever but now the coronavirus restrictions have rolled over into another year, it feels like the set-backs just keep on coming. That said, the vaccine is here and that’s a bit of good news to hold onto.
I think trying to cultivate some of that positivity you had first time around and getting a little routine going will help you no end! Team Zoella has been working from home here in the UK since March last year and I’ve found that the tiniest of things can help make sure my day gets off to a good start – waking up at the same time every day, walking with a podcast at lunchtime, lighting a candle to mark the end of the working day and the start of my downtime at home or even just having a bath on your lunch break – because you can – and ordering yourself a bouquet of flowers to brighten up your home.
Take some time away from the news and social media if it’s getting too intense for you. Emotions are high and it’s very much a case of ‘same storm, different boat’ so the best thing to do is just separate yourself from the social media noise and focus on the things that are going to make you feel calm and content over this next lockdown period. It’s all about those small victories, happy distractions and simple pleasures pal. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be your best productive self but take some time to listen and lean into anything that will bring you joy in these tumultuous times. Sending you a big air hug! xx
Holly
Hello lovely reader,
Blimey, you’ve come to the right place! If there’s one thing I can reassure you on, it’s that you aren’t alone. If there was an awards ceremony for countries that most messed up the whole situation, honestly the UK would win!
I can only imagine how hard it must be, being in a country where the restrictions vary from place to place. Especially if you can see people you know having a better time than you. I think the thing to remember is that, despite the government’s incompetence, they are doing what will ultimately benefit us in the future. It’s so easy to see absolutely no way out. Like this is life forever, but it’s not. At some point, we will be vaccinated, we’ll be able to go to bars, hug our loved ones, even lick pavements if that’s your thing.
It’s easier said than done, but if you can find a hobby or use your time in lockdown productively, it will really help too. I’ve got DIY tasks around my house done which I would NEVER have put time aside to do otherwise. I’ve saved money and reconnected with old friends because I have more time to video call etc.
I have just booked some things to look forward to, in hope of helping drag me out of my funk and it’s really helped. I booked some (refundable) flights for November, and planning how we’re going to celebrate friends weddings/birthdays from afar. Looking forward is the only thing getting me through in all honesty.
Sending you a big hug, we’ll get through this!
Holly
Charlotte
Hello! I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling with this relationship, as any kind of animosity or turbulence with a parent can be really challenging. It sounds to me that despite still being young you’re perhaps the more mature one in this dynamic, so well done you for being so level headed and considered in your efforts- it’s not always easy! 12 months is a long time to feel like you’re being repeatedly cancelled on and not having your efforts reciprocated so I think as we’re moving further into 2021 it’s really important to have a conversation with him about it. Sometimes honesty is the best policy, so even though I am 99% sure it’s not something he’s doing intentionally, I think it’s important to raise with him that you do feel like he’s avoiding you and that maybe it’s triggering some of those anxieties from the periods previously when he’s moved in and out of your life. Don’t feel the need to sugar coat things, nor to justify your feelings- your response is totally valid and hopefully, he will respectfully understand your point of view. Perhaps you could suggest putting in place some regular contact so you don’t constantly feel like you’re having to chase him? Perhaps getting in a weekly phone call on the same day every week would be quite easy to implement or a socially distanced walk on Sunday morning’s if you live close by? Some small but regular points of contact that become part of yours and his routine might make things feel less like an effort for both of you!
In terms of him nitpicking and criticising your decisions, I also think this is something that needs to be called out as understandably it’s impacting you. A good parent should try and support you even when they might not agree with your life decisions, and it might be worth giving him a gentle calling out on this and mentioning how it’s affecting you. It doesn’t need to be the case of him agreeing with every single thing you do, but it shouldn’t be too much to ask that he’s respectful and supportive, especially when it comes to your career which is totally down to you. Ultimately I think communication might be the fix to these concerns, which I know can be annoying especially as you’ve been trying so hard, but if you can pin him down for a chat I think it will feel like a weight off your shoulders if nothing else!
Good luck, know that you are doing all you can and remember his actions are purely a reflection of his own issues and nothing to do with you or your worth.
Lots of love,
Charlotte xxx
Darcey
Hey Anon!
Thank you so much for writing in, I find this question so interesting because I felt exactly the same at your age. All my friends would fancy someone, be speaking to someone or have partners, and I always used to wonder why I wasn’t experiencing any of this?! I spent a large part of school not fancying anyone, yeah, I found boys good looking (like you mentioned too) but I never FANCIED anyone or formed any kind of relationship with any guys at my school. Truth be told, looking back now I just wasn’t that interested, but felt I needed to be, so it would angst me. I wonder if this is similar for you too. You have your whole life to find someone and have your first relationship, and I think school just isn’t that place for a lot of people.
I think most importantly is to not stress about the situation, I know easier said than done when all your friends are getting into relationships, but you can’t compare your path to others as it will just create so much anxiety for you. We all get into relationships at different times. I have some friends (I’m 22 now) who are with long-term boyfriends, living together in flats thinking about marriage and I have friends who have never been in a long-term serious relationship (me included). But that’s just how it is really, we all do things at different times.
Personality is a massive part of fancying someone too, not just that instant attraction to someone, you might just be someone who needs to really know someone to fancy them. Sometimes it’s also just figuring out your sexuality too and who you are really attracted to, some people also are never instantly attracted to anyone and they are asexual, who find that they don’t really find anyone attractive, but they can have very normal romantic relationships still.
But I really do think at your age it’s best to just not overthink it all, you will work out these feelings as you get older, and probably when you leave school too and start mixing with new people. I didn’t really properly fancy anyone till I was about 17 and at college! You’ve got this don’t worry, just enjoy school and being with your mates, and just let all that other stuff come naturally. I promise you’ll figure it all out one day. All the best, Darcey Xx
Danielle
Heya! Thank you so much for writing in I can only imagine how out of place you must feel sometimes when your friends are speaking about something you’ve never experienced but trust me I’m sure there are tons of people who feel exactly the same as you do! At 16 you’re still so young, even though you don’t feel it and sometimes the easiest way to judge a situation is based on your friends but please try not to worry about it as you’ll only end up spiralling and feeling self-conscious. Some people only have a crush on someone they really like, some people may just get those feelings later on life, you might be attracted to people of the same sex and that’s ok too! Drawing from personal experience I used to have a crush on a guy and if I ended up ‘seeing’ them they’d make me feel sick after about two weeks and it was all a complete waste of everyone’s time ha! Basically don’t overthink it, just keep living life and enjoying yourself, all that other stuff will come later!
Charlotte
Hello anon!
I’m so sorry you went through such a turbulent time in 2020 both within yourself and your relationship, but the first thing I noticed from reading this was just how strong, kind and caring you really are. It’s definitely easy to feel blame or guilt when we have to make difficult decisions, but I just want to begin by saying you are truly so compassionate, introspective and empathetic and this really shows.
I’ve been in a similar situation however the other way around, as my mental health, unfortunately, lead to a recent break up so I feel I have some insight into the situation you find yourself in. I really struggled to accept the decision myself, but the circumstances were different, and in your case, I really respect the time, care and patience you have given to your ex who is so lucky to have someone like you in their life, period. Although it’s easy to focus on his mental health as the main factor in his efforts and current state of mind, I think it’s important to consider that maybe these factors would have led you to the same decision regardless of his commitment to making sure you’re fulfilled in the relationship. You highlighted that you have different priorities in the ways you spend your time, socialise and be around others, and I think this might have caused problems in the future even if he was feeling like his best self. Breakups are always difficult but they can feel even more challenging when there isn’t a major reason behind them, so although he didn’t explicitly do anything ‘wrong’, it’s not to say the relationship was right for you at this point in your life.
4 years is a super long time to spend with someone so please remember to show some kindness and patience for yourself too, as it’s all well and good being concerned about him but you have to look after number one too! Despite his mental health struggles, it does sound like he took the relationship for granted somewhat and over time that has of course caused you to doubt your security with him. No matter the circumstances you should always feel like you are wanted and valued in your relationship and it just seems like pandemic aside, those were not emotions you felt with him.
It’s natural to feel an obligation and desire to keep supporting him and be an ear to listen when he feels he has no one else to turn to, but know that this isn’t your ‘job’ so to speak. He may find it difficult to speak to others, but it’s not healthy to place so much of his emotional baggage on to you and you alone. Perhaps you can hold his hand a little in lightening the load, maybe by looking into therapists that seem like the right fit for him or getting advice from a mental health charity on his behalf- it will help you to feel less like the weight of his MH is completely on your shoulders, and hopefully aid in supporting him too.
It’s a really difficult situation and you’re handling it so maturely and compassionately so like I said make sure to prioritise yourself and your emotional needs too. Lots of love, you got this!
Charlotte xxx
Lareese
Hiya lovely!
Thanks for getting in touch. I remember finding 15/16 a particularly crappy and turbulent period for self-love too, so you’re definitely not on your own. I had a complete body confidence crisis at your age and I can only imagine how much harder it is now in the era of .com and social media and this unattainable level of perfection that’s we’re constantly being bombarded with.
On the flip side, one good thing about social media is the amount of body confidence accounts out there advocating for self-love and acceptance. Not sure if you’re on Instagram but a couple of golden accounts to follow, @alexlight_ldn and @aspoonfulofalice and @megan_rose_lane to name a few! Curating your feed with wholesome body chat and accounts that make you feel good in the skin you’re in is a great place to start.
We are not born hating our bodies. When we’re babies, our soft squishy skin is embraced and adored, then we grow up and society chips away at that innate relationship & trust we have with our bodies. It has conditioned us into believing that thinness is the pinnacle of human existence – the ultimate life goal and a ticket to happiness & self-worth but that’s 100% bullcrap. Your body is a beautiful evolving fluctuating breathing multi-functional fluid friend. It can be so hard when you’re at an age when you might not recognise your body as you know it. It’s changing, growing and blooming in new ways, preparing you for this next phase of your life and whilst that can feel quite alien and scary at first, it’s a pretty freaking amazing metamorphosis.
I also went on the pill at your age because my periods were wild and my skin was angry. Did I put on weight? Yep, and I even had one particularly lovely stranger tell me so. I’m not gonna lie, it hurt because I felt so out of control of my own body at the time but now I wish I could go back and say, just let it be! Your body has got this and it’s nobody else’s business what it looks like or how it’s going to continue to change over the years. Hormones do crazy things but eventually, your body finds its baseline rhythm again and side-effects usually subside after the first few months. On the plus side, the pill has plenty of perks too – my skin was never better and my periods were like clockwork. Wishing you the best with it, lots of love! xxx
10 Escapist Books to Take Your Mind Off the Madness
In these tumultuous times, books are a great source of comfort and escapism, so here’s a few literary gems whose pages will help to peel your shoulders away from your ears and quash those January scaries.
We’re just 15 days into the calendar year but we’ve seen quite enough, thanks. At this point, we’re ready to unmask the pranksters behind 2021, sing Auld Lang Syne, raise a glass of Berocca and call it a night because our chakras are all gamed out. If ever we needed to bury our heads in the sand – even if it’s just the half-eaten kind, dumped in our cereal bowl by a fly-tipping toddler – it’s now.
In these tumultuous times, books are a great source of comfort and escapism, so here’s a few literary gems whose pages will help to peel your shoulders away from your ears and quash those January scaries.
Airdrop us into a world that looks nothing like our own…
Thank fudge for fiction is all we’re saying. Airdrop us into a world that looks nothing like our own, swaddle us with pure, wholesome clothbound tales of warmth, wonder and wide-eyed innocence immediately.
In our ongoing effort to distract you from the wild happenings here on Planet Earth, here are some of the best books to bury your nose in while you’re holed up at home. Again.
1 City of Girls – Elizabeth Gilbert
From the bestselling author of Eat Pray Love, comes another unputdownable read. This light, bright, booze-filled romp through the 1940s will go down splendidly with a cocktail or two. It’s happy hour somewhere. Buy a copy here!
2 Beach Read – Emily Henry
Two writers, one holiday. A Rom Com waiting to happen…
Beach Read is exactly the sizzling page-turner the title suggests. Fill the Love Island void and live vicariously through the two protagonists, January and Gus, as they both scramble to push through writer’s block and publish the next bestseller before the summer’s out. Buy a copy here!
3 The Flatshare – Beth O’Leary
Oh Beth O’Leary, mistress of toasty, feel-good fiction, what did we do to deserve you? The Flatshare is about two roommates who fall hard for one another. They share a flat and a bed but there’s one elephant in the boudoir… Tiffy & Leon have never met. Buy a copy here!
4 The Henna Artist – Alka Joshi
With its colourful descriptions and sumptuous storytelling, The Henna Artist will transport you back to 1950s India, where seventeen-year-old Lakshmi escapes from an arranged and abusive marriage to the vibrant city of Jaipur. Buy a copy here!
5 The Sun & Her Flowers – Rupi Kaur
Whenever your feel the brain fog creeping, check-in with Rupi. Her collection of poetry, aptly named The Sun & Her Flowers, will soothe your soul and help you find the magic in the world again. Nourish to flourish, pals! Buy a copy here!
6 The Guest List – Lucy Foley
A modern Agatha Christie page-turner for the Instagram age with more twists and turns than the cheap garden hose. Buy a copy here!
7 Ghosts – Dolly Alderton
No one writes with such whip-smart observation as Dolly Alderton and her debut novel proves it. Ghosts will resonate with every woman who’s ever had to wade through the BS of modern dating. Buy a copy here!
8 Everything Is Under Control – Phyllis Grant
Part foodie memoir, part recipe book, Grant’s light-hearted slice of reverie is just what everyone needs at a time when we’re done with banana bread and many, many things are in fact completely out of control. Buy a copy here!
9 Outlawed – Anna North
Giddy up, dear reader, Outlawed is an alternative wild yee-haw Western about a group of loveable female and non-binary outlaws looking for the freedom to exist in a world that largely doesn’t want them. North completely flips the script with this one and we stan. Buy a copy here!
10 His Only Wife – Peace Adzo Medie
Bursting with warmth, humour and humanity, his Only Wife is a much-needed modern Ghanaian love story about marriage ideals, family obligation and a plucky heroine determined to live life on her own terms. Buy a copy here!
What books are taking your mind off lockdown 3.0 right now?
Everything We’re Lusting Over From & Other Stories Right Now
Designed alternately in the fashion capitals of Stockholm, Los Angeles and Paris, it doesn't get better than this when nailing wearable but on-trend items whatever the season.
When it comes to the creme de la creme of the high street, & Other Stories is high on our list of trend-driven, cool-girl chic that never fails to disappoint. Forging a balance between classic but current, the eclectic mix of designs offer something for everyone looking to create their own unique fashion story. The current onsite selection is quite simply chefs kiss, and this week we’re sharing the must-have items that were immediately added to basket, with the hopes of some sweet, sweet occasions we can rock them in during 2021- it’s good to have dreams!
Making it out of the house doesn’t mean compromising on comfort though, with everything from cosy quilted coats, drawstring joggers, figure-skimming dresses and cotton wool soft cardigans to deliver deliciously chic style that feels put together as soon as you slip it on. Designed alternately in the fashion capitals of Stockholm, Los Angeles and Paris, it doesn’t get better than this when nailing wearable but on-trend items whatever the season.
Whether you’re all about vibrating ears, budget-friendly bullets or pulsating tongue-mimicking machines, enjoy next level masturbation and peak partnered sex with our round-up of sex toys.
Hello lockdown 3.0. It’s set to be a rampant one.
Since we’ve recently renewed our membership to the stay at home club, albeit for a rolling, cancel at any time contract (we hope), we’re going to do a few things differently this time round, starting with self-care. And by self-care, we mean drastically increasing our chances of having an orgasm by touching ourselves regularly or having a beloved partner do it for us.
Whether you’re all about vibrating ears, budget-friendly bullets or pulsating tongue-mimicking machines, enjoy next level masturbation and peak partnered sex with our round-up of sex toys from entry point vibrators (oh look honey, she made a joke) to top tier playthings for loved-up couples looking to switch things up.
And look, if all else fails, we will always have Bridgerton and THAT is one failsafe journey to finding your pinnacle.
If this is your first foray into self-pleasure, then first of all welcome, congratulations and happy girthday. You’re about to reach a whole new level of introspection. The thumb-sized bullet is great for gentle and discreet solo play. Complete with three speed settings, a tapered tip for targeted clitoral stimulation and a beautiful, if a little cunning, exterior that could easily pass for a lipstick, it’s one smooth operator.
Whilst the Rampant Rabbit can look a bit like an angry hare poised for confrontation and ready to box your best bits, it’s a gentle giant really. The RR boasts an impressive 4.5″ stature, 7 vibration settings, a ribbed shaft and clitorally stimulating ears to make all your pleasure-seeking pursuits a solid 20/10 experience. Don’t know about you but we’re listening.
Not all sex toys are created equal and this is one woman of rank. The mistress of masturbation is like a majestic finger puppet, seamless for your pleasure. Whether you’re in it for a solo run through or up for bit of audience interaction (oh yes she is), it’s sure to give you the standing O-vation you so deserve.
They say magic isn’t real, but we wager £5 it is and it exists and resides in this wish-granting baton. This wand is a small and mighty bedside companion with 4 levels of intensity – hooray for a tier system we are only too happy to climb. With 7 settings and a battery life that’ll have no problem working away at your congested backlog of uncatchable orgasms, it’s a great all-rounder.
Anything with sex toy of the year accolades has our full attention. This superior sex toy only activates once in contact with the skin meaning you’ll get all of the pleasure with none of the noise. We wouldn’t dare splash out on that ergonomic computer chair because Dear Spine that wants for nothing, we’re not made of money but an ergonomic vibrator? Sign us up and keep the change, ya filthy animal.
Cliteracy lesson number one: 4 in 5 clitoris-owners reach orgasm via clitoral stimulation, not penetrative sex, so let that be all the reassurance you need (and all the sex ed they need) that your clitoris should not in fact be treated like a Sleeping Beauty spindle or the perilous lips of a Venus fly trap but rather like a precious cashmere purse, born to be cupped perfectly in the hand and stroked. A lot. The Fireman, named after its flame-like form and ability to fire up your burning loins (probably), is one such sex toy that will make sure your clitoris gets its due attention. Featuring a rounded protruding nub of a nose for optimal clitoral stimulation, discreet shape, 4 speeds and 2 pulsation modes, your wild furnace is in good hands here.
If stats and apps get them going, then consider this high-performance sex-tech a gift any penis-having partner will love. Combining powerfully intense dual motors, the patented Cruise Control setting and Lelo’s revolutionary SenSonic technology, it massages their member with deeply satisfying sonic waves. Oh, and it comes with a little window, so they can watch all the action as it happens. It’s basically this season’s incomparable diamond. And that’s not all. Using the free SDK, they can personalise their pleasure through the bougie customisable internal sensors. What could be a better present than pleasure at their fingertips and a little peephole to boot?
Powerful, quiet and remarkably good at oral, that’s The Frenchman in a nutshell. Perfect for solo sessions or couple fun, its ice cream scoop shape is designed to mimic the touch of a tongue, so add a few squirts of lube and indulge in the best French kiss of your life. Sacrebleu!
Best for: a hands-free wank. The revolutionary design of Eva II gets you there without the bastardly hand cramp. The wings tuck under the labia while the rest of the toy tends to your clitoris. We stan lazy orgasms.
Aka the clit sucker. It delivers full body shivers thanks to its toe-curling sonic wave technology, designed to mimic the feeling of oral sex. It’s a small but perfectly formed gem.
Cheap and cheerful does the job. This textured masturbating egg designed with penis-owners in mind will ensure your sexual experience is always sunny side up. Pour in some lube and crack on.
Slip into the ribbon-tie briefs provided and hand over all control to your partner. The whisper-quiet machine is wirelessly controlled from up to 8 metres away. Zoom 3.0 just got interesting.
With its mind-blowing Pleasure Air Technology (aka unreal sucking action) and 12 intensity settings ranging from soft gentle purr to butt-clenching roar, the Premium Womanizer will make any notable orgasm you’ve ever experienced look like a pathetic outbreath in comparison, like the short-lived puff of air in an eye test. Tonight, we vibe like queens.
You know it’s a serious piece of kit when it’s mains powered. Operated using a handy little scroll wheel of fortune, you can dial up your pleasure as much or as little as you want, from soft relaxing rumbles to intense all-encompassing vibrations. Orgasm roulette… what a time to be alive.
Meet Obii – clit-lead, aesthetically-pleasing pleasure at your service. Combining suction sensations with whisper-quiet powerful vibrations, Obii is ready to deliver your best-blended orgasm yet. Other honourable mentions include: could easily pass as a reading light, a stress ball or an essential oil diffuser when sat proudly on your bedside table. Let’s hear it for sex toys that blend in AND stand out.
According to his Instagram bio, Andrew is unapologetically unfiltered and we couldn't agree more. Whether it's hard talking home truths about skincare, advocating for mental health or opening up about his own journey with HIV, we are hanging by his every word.
First of all, Happy New Year! What are you looking to get out of 2021?
Happy New Year…I think! It sounds very cliché but honestly, I just want complete contentment. After 2020, I think the only thing we can wish for is complete happiness. If you have a roof over your head and food on your table you are very lucky indeed. Happiness shouldn’t be for the fortunate it should be free for everyone.
Talk us through your career online and how it’s evolved?
Oh my! I started my Instagram account in February 2019 as a bit of a hobby. I was bored to completely honest and I knew I couldn’t do a normal 9-5 job. I wasn’t built for it babes. The hobby turned into an online diary where I now share my love of skincare, my mental health struggles but also aim to educate people on what it like living with HIV in 2021.
One of your biggest focuses online is skincare, why do you think it’s become more and more popular in recent years?
It’s the ultimate escape from reality for a moment in time. There is nothing better (for me anyway) than lighting a candle, running a bath, applying a face mask and forgetting about the world for a short while. A skincare routine is much more than a skincare routine it’s my daily ritual and the 10 minutes of self-care morning and evening that I look forward to.
What are some of your top skincare brands to check out for people looking to start a routine?
There is so much choice out there at the moment and it’s so confusing for everyone but the foundations of a good skincare routine need to be: cleanse, moisturise, SPF in the AM and double cleanse (cleansing twice) retinol product and moisturiser in the PM. You don’t need a serum laced with gold, just pile on the hydration. A brand I love are Medik8, Skinceuticals, Deviant, Sunday Riley – these are not the most affordable brands but for me, if you buy cheap you buy twice. Thank you maam. You should also check out Skin&me who are an online dermatologist subscription service who will tailor-make a formula based on your skin’s needs.
We love how honest and open you are with your journey with HIV, why is breaking the stigma and education so important to you?
HIV is no longer a death sentence. We are not in the 80’s babes. Change that mindset now. There was so much media coverage back then about how contagious and deadly the virus was and in 2021 that is no longer the case. A person with HIV can live a normal life when on effective medication. It’s so important to break the stigma and spread the correct information to ensure no one suffers in silence but also to protect the mental health of anyone living with HIV. Your words and
misinformation could be the reason someone doesn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
What are some common misconceptions you wish more people knew about?
You cannot pass HIV on when on effective medication. If you take effective medication daily (one tablet for me) then your viral load will be classed as undetectable which means you are untransmittable. U = U. its impossible to pass on HIV when a person with HIV is on effective medication. You cannot catch HIV through hugging, kissing, sharing cutlery and saliva!
What would you say is your biggest achievement to date?
Being alive in 2021! Haha. Seriously. I have suffered with my mental health for nearly 15 years and to be able to feel like I’m over the worst of it is the best feeling ever. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, always. Pain is only temporary. You will get through this like you always have. I also feel super proud of raising over £4k for the National AIDS Trust in December 2020
What are you currently working on?
I am working on projects that are due to go live at the end of this week and through 2021 at the moment but the most exciting thing I’m working on is my book! I know who knew! I’m working on a book that’s all about going through tough times and how you can survive it. It also talks about getting drunk with Bradley from S Club 7 when I worked at Butlins and so much more!
Who are some of your favourite follows online?
I adore @lisapotterdixon – Lisa is a ray of sunshine, she is the most gorgeous, friendly and uplifting human.
@skin_t__ is a beautiful Scottish human being who delves deeper into ingredients of skincare – if you need skincare advice he’s your go-to.
@carolinehirons is the queen of the beauty industry. She speaks her mind and knows her shit.
@glow_with_ola is a mood. He serves looks and home truth’s that make me gag for days.
There are so many more but I regularly share my favourites on my stories!
What do you always carry with you?
Lip balm! I never used a lip balm regularly until I got Invisalign this year and they have saved my lips over and over again! No one warned me that Invisalign would make my mouth like a desert. Chanel & La Roche Posay are my faves.
What does your perfect weekend look like?
At the moment…nothing! Saturday my fiancée @nickkimberleystyle and I cuddle the dogs and watch Netflix with the filthiest takeaway! What else is there to do?!
If you could only eat one meal again what would it be?
I’m a chocaholic. Addicted like you wouldn’t believe. Chocolate over anything. Men, sex the lot. Give me chocolate. I don’t even have a favourite either, ill eat it all.
If you could give one positive message to our followers what would it be?
Pain is only temporary. Honestly, this is what gets me through on those tough days. Sometimes it seems dark but the darkness will separate and you will see the light at the end I promise you. Keep going, sometimes it’s tough but just before you are about to give up you could’ve just been playing the biggest role of your life. Love ya bye xx
