Please be upstanding for the BEST foodie holiday of the year. A whole day dedicated to eating and celebrating the brunch dish to end all brunches!
Please be upstanding for the BEST foodie holiday of the year. A whole day dedicated to eating and celebrating the brunch dish to end all brunches! A hall pass to eat sweet, spongy layers of beige for breakfast, lunch and dinner. We are of course talking about Pancake Day!
Be it a simple dusting of sugar and lemon, the whole maple syrup, fruit and whipped cream shebang or tier on tier of Nutella – we’ve all got our go-to pancake order but if you’re looking to switch up your usual toppings, today’s the day to experiment friends.
Looking for some inspo? Here are the toppings that get us buzzing to get out of bed on Pancake Day!
“I am a big fan of having bacon and maple syrup on my pancakes (I think with this combo you either love it or hate it), but I think it tastes so good! The savoury and sweet mix is a taste sensation. But if I’m feeling just sweet, I’ll always have Nutella and banana, that is another combo which in my eyes is the holy grail of pancake toppings.” Darcey
“I’m a straight-up sugar girl – you can’t mess with a classic like that. Sometimes I go wild and have lemon AND sugar. I just love to be able to actually taste the buttery pancakes in all their glory – if I try getting too adventurous with chocolate and cream and all that jazz, it all becomes a bit overwhelming. I do enjoy a maple and bacon situation with a stack of the thick bad boys though. That I can get on board with!” Lareese
“One word. Nutella. Can’t beat it. BUT If I’m feeling super jazzy (and extra French) the Bonne Maman Chataignes Vanillee spread is divine too.” Maddie
“My usual pancake topping go-to is Greek yoghurt, berries and honey with a dusting of icing sugar and some mint, especially in the more sunny months! During winter though, I often steer more towards something a bit more filling like Nutella or more recently a bit of biscoff spread with some banana. You can melt the biscoff spread in the microwave and pour it over the pancakes like a syrup! A little grating of chocolate on top is always good too!” Zoë
“I stick to the B’s when it comes to pancake toppings, give me biscoff, banana, bacon, blueberries! Top tip is to microwave your biscoff so it’s easier drizzle over the top.” Danielle
“To be honest there are very few things I wouldn’t enjoy on top of a delicious fluffy pancake- sweet or savoury, I’m not fussy! If in doubt though you can’t beat a classic. Whipped cream and sprinkles make for both an Instagram friendly and tasty topping which I’ll be eating on pancake day and beyond!” Charlotte
“My eyes are bigger than my belly with pancakes, but when I do go for a stack I love a thick layer of vegan chocolate hazelnut spread topped with banana – it’s great on fluffy pancakes and I always have one too many but if you can’t go crazy on pancake day when can you?!” Lauren
“I recently tried a savoury pancake for the first time and I don’t know what I’ve been doing with my life up until now. I urge you to try pancakes with Southern fried chicken!” Holly
The first rule of working from home: never stay in your pjs.
Break out of your bed threads and into something that motivates you to tackle that to-do list.
When you’re working from home, you want to be presentable enough for that Skype meeting but casual enough to sit cross-legged on the sofa, ya know?
While climbing into a suit and typing from the dining table might work for some people, others need fool-proof jeans and a soft knit to get sh*t done. Comfort is key!
It’s all about business up top, roomy waistbands down south.
Here are the pieces we’re eyeing up for our work-from-home wardrobe!
Lareese
Clothes that resemble pjs are my favourite kinda clothes! I love a matching set that’s roomy and comfy but still presentable enough to dart to the shops for bread and milk. And by bread and milk I mean Cadbury’s and Diet Coke.
If I make it out of my pyjamas it means the day is going well, but comfort is still my top priority when working from home alone. Leggings, slouchy t shirt, no make-up and my hair out of my face = my WFH essentials.
I’ve been obsessed with Loungewear Outfits this winter and my wardrobe is now brimming with them. They tick every box, comfort, warmth and also look really stylish! I own both these sets and wear them as they are at home and pair them with longline coats and chunky trainers if i’m venturing outside!
For me if i’m working from home I have to get up and ready basically in the exact way i would for a normal work day (minus the makeup). If i don’t, my brain thinks it’s time to kick back with Friends reruns. I usually have a 1hr30 commute each way to contend with so my WFH days can by far be the most productive and there’s something about an outfit that can give you that extra oomph to nail the day. Don’t get me wrong i don’t put a pencil skirt and shirt on but i’ll still pop on my favourite jeans and a comfy top.
I’m always more productive when I WFH if I get up and shower to start the day. I’ll change into something as equally pyjama like when I get out but I still feel fresh and ready for the day. I got one of these fine knit tracksuits for Christmas and loved it so much I bought another in a different colour in January. They’re so comfy and good quality and smart enough that I can actually leave the house in them, which is usually to the corner shop to get snacks.
Working from home outfits mean loungewear, slippers and comfy underwear! I got this loungewear set from ASOS for Christmas and it is so comfy to wear, looks great on too! Pair with some fluffy slider slippers and matching Calvin Klein underwear for ultimate comfort.
Working from home means indulging in that comfort! Just a simple pair of leggings and a loose cosy tee paired with a really snuggly jumper definitely makes the job easier (don’t forget the pineapple top knot to keep those locks out the way!)
Working from home outfits surely just means pyjama’s, no? Honestly I’ll normally get up, shower, and get back in to a fresh pair of jammies ready for the day ahead. If you’re lucky I’ll chuck on a sports bra. My current fave jammies are still the ones I got from Chelsea Peers for crimbo.
Much like romantic relationships, friendships require effort and commitment in order for them to thrive.
Like the love fern in How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days, they need regular TLC. You can’t just leave them to fend for themselves. We have to continuously nourish them, honour their importance and give them the energy they deserve.
Work gets in the way, life happens.
We’re all guilty of letting the weeks pass us by without seeing our friends or scheduling in some quality time. Work gets in the way, life happens and before you know it, it’s been six months without the whiff of a glass of vino and a much-needed chinwag.
There’s bound to be periods in your life when you don’t have the time to fart let alone hang out with the girls but looking after those connections and having fulfilling conversations makes us feel seen, understood and appreciated.
And on that note, we’re dedicating this post to bettering our friendship skills. Here’s to being a bloody good pal and getting that well overdue catch up in the diary ASAP.
Don’t flake on plans
Double booked? That’s cool on the first occasion but cancel a fifth time and you’ll forever be known as that flaky friend.
Make plans, be reliable and show up
Make plans, be reliable and show up for others – physically and mentally.
Check-in on them
You don’t have to be geographically close to be emotionally present – a random text asking if they’re having a good week will let them know that regardless of how stacked you are in your own life, they’re still a priority.
Be a great listener
Listening is a h-a-r-d skill to master. If you can actively hear someone out without needing to chime in with your own stories, that’s when you’re really lending an ear. Basically, be a sounding board and know when to shut up every now and again.
Have fun and make new memories
Come through with them Oprah quotes whenever they’re needed but make space for the good times in your friendship too. Laughter lines are a sign of true friendship.
Champion their milestones
Celebrate their wins with them and make a fuss when life is going their way!
Even the smallest gesture can send a clear message that their happiness and success is important to you.
Whether it’s a promotion, a new baby or finally having the confidence to kick that f*ck boy to the curb, even the smallest gesture can send a clear message that their happiness and success is important to you. When they’re winning, you’re winning.
Practise the art of empathy
We all move through life stages at a different pace and while you might not always be on the same page or able to relate to their circumstances, you can certainly try to walk in their shoes for a minute.
Whether they’re single and you’re married or they’re trying to find their feet with motherhood while you’re nowhere near ready for babies, you can still find ways to understand their reality.
Accept that life just gets in the way sometimes
It’s not you and it’s not them – life runs away with all of us sometimes but as long as you’re both aware that it’s a just a phase and that you can pick things back up when things are a little less crazy, that’s all you need to know.
Know when you’re in the wrong
Having the humility to swallow your pride and admit you messed up makes you a top friend. You live and you learn!
Be loyal and trustworthy
With any interpersonal relationship, trust is a real deal-breaker. They need to know that they can confide in you with total confidence. You have their back and then some.
Speak from the heart
Honesty is one of the most significant friendship traits.
Everyone needs a straight-talking chum on speed dial.
Respect their boundaries but never be afraid to offer up some moral guidance if ever they lose perspective.
Accept them for who they are
A good friend is someone who encourages you to be your true authentic self without fear of judgement. They’ll love you despite your shortcomings, weaknesses and wrong moves.
PSA: These Are The Best Makeup Removers We’ve Ever Tried
When it comes to taking your face off, you want a formula that works hard with minimal faff, right? No one wants a soggy dressing gown sleeve.
If it requires rubbing, scrubbing or excessive tugging you can count us out! Our eyelids are thin and delicate facial canopies, prone to damage. We want to keep them happy and perky for as long as possible, thank you please. Protect that eyeball awning at all costs.
Find out which ones will make your stubborn mascara and contour quake in their boots.
Balms, oils, cult jellies and fragrance-free micellar water – we’ve tried and tested a whole bunch of them to find out which ones will make your stubborn mascara and contour quake in their boots.
Check out the makeup removers that made the cut!
Lareese’s Favourites
I’ve got insanely weepy eyes – so much so, the slightest gust of wind, air-con or a soppy advert will rub them up the wrong way.
I’ve been using the *Garnier Micellar Cleansing Water for years now. Its gentle, fragrance-free formula is not only soothing and hydrating on the eye area but also effective for lifting stubborn mascara. It’s a great, budget-friendly all-purpose cleanser that’s particularly good for sensitive souls like me. I’m not crying, you’re crying.
For a more luxurious cleansing ritual, I go in with the *Elemis Cleansing Balm and hot cloth. It’s like a spa in a tub! I still remove my eye makeup with the Garnier Micellar Cleansing Water first and then I use this beauty icon to give the rest of my skin a jolly good clean.
Believe the hype – this one’s a keeper!Lareese
The nourishing balm formula dissolves every trace of makeup and grime without stripping the skin. Believe the hype – this one’s a keeper!
Zoe’s Favourites
When it comes to makeup remover, I generally tend to gravitate towards a cream, an oil or a balm!
I then make sure to do a second cleanse so my skin gets the ultimate clean.Zoe
I have three from each of these categories that I use religiously, on a dry face followed by a warm damp flannel. I then make sure to do a second cleanse so my skin gets the ultimate clean as well as just the removal of makeup.
*Liz Earle Cleanse & Polish – This cream cleanser is my absolute holy grail in terms of skincare. I’ve used for years and years and I would never stray away from it. It removes every bit of my makeup in a couple of motions and is so gently on my skin at the same time.
*Emma Hardie Moringa Cleansing Balm – This balm is packed full of essential oils and smells heavenly. It’s such a lovely and super-efficient way of removing makeup whilst conditioning, cleansing and helping to replenish your cells’ reservoirs. A jar of this will last you a long time, so although it’s a little more pricey, it’s 100% worth it!
*Keihls cleansing oil – I actually became aware of this product when a friend left it at my house and I used it thinking it was something else. It’s so silky and beautiful to use. Enriched with squalane, evening primrose oil and lavender essential oil, this do-it-all formula effectively removes make-up while leaving skin feeling soft and ready for your night time products!
Maddie’s Favourites
I have quite sensitive skin so I try and use products that are going to be as gentle as possible, especially when removing long-wear makeup where you can get a little overzealous if you’re not careful.
To remove the bulk of my makeup I’ll start by using a simple micellar water, I love the *La Roche Posay or *Bioderma which are both formulated for sensitive skin.
I’ll then do a second cleanse with my *bareMinerals Oil cleanser, it’s amazing at taking away every last bit of dirt and you can rinse it away with warm water rather than using a towel so it’s again really gentle on my skin.
Darcey’s Favourites
My go-to everyday make-up remover is the *Garnier Micellar Cleansing Water. This is a great make-up remover, especially removing mascara and more stubborn makeup!
I love how clean and oil-free it makes my skin feel.Darcey
It’s also good for using before cleansing, even if I’m not wearing makeup, but I love how clean and oil-free it makes my skin feel. I find that it’s so gentle on my skin and doesn’t irritate it like makeup wipes can.
If I’ve been wearing a full face of makeup, I’ll go in first with the *Clinique Take the Day Off Cleansing Balm. This product literally melts away your makeup, I then use a cloth or one of my reusable makeup pads and some warm water to wash it all off my face. Then I’ll go in with the micellar water to remove any remaining makeup.
After removing my makeup I always use *The Ordinary Squalene Cleanser, as it’s great to do a second cleanse when wearing makeup to get it all out of your pores!
Charlotte’s Favourites
I’m a double cleanse gal through and through which means my routine can sometimes be a bit spenny! Having previously had acne though I’m taking no chances in relying on my skin to look good without the effort of a tip-top routine.
I start by removing the bulk of my makeup with the *Garnier Micellar Water on some reusable cotton pads (a dream both for the environment and your bank balance!).
I then trot off to the bathroom and apply a couple of pumps of the *Glossier Milky Jelly Cleanser to dry skin and massage into the face until I feel satisfied with my at-home facial efforts. I grab a damp, hot flannel and wipe away the last dregs of makeup, pollution and grubbiness from the day and finish my routine feeling as fresh as a daisy.
*The Botanics Hot Cloth Cleanser from Boots is also a firm fave of mine for a really thorough end of day cleanse. It reminds me of a cross between the Clinique Take The Day Off Balm and the Oskia Renaissance Cleansing Gel which are both on the pricier side making this drugstore find a winner in my eyes!
Lauren Favourites
I love taking my makeup off, heck I love a cleanse when it’s a no-makeup day too, and I’m a big advocate for the double cleanse.
Makeup removal is a dream.Lauren
I’ve used both of Pai’s cleansers for the past year and they make my skin so soft and clean that makeup removal is a dream.
*The Light Works Oil contains Rosehip and is really nourishing but breaks down all the products to get every scrap of makeup off in one swipe. I use about 2-3 pumps and I find this gets everything including waterproof mascara off with ease, no irritation insight (pun intended).
I then use the *Pai Camellia and Rose Gentle Cleanser to properly wash and balance my skin, and it’s so creamy that it practically melts into the skin without leaving residue. You can feel and see how fresh and clean your skin is after, and it always feels calm post scrubbing too!
Holly’s Favourites
In the past, I have been guilty of using makeup wipes but you really can feel the difference when using a cleanser rather than a wipe. If I’m feeling good I’ll use the *Glow Recipe Blueberry bounce gentle cleanser.
It’s super refreshing and doesn’t damage my eyes.Holly
I have such sensitive eyes that I’ll get a tiny bit of fragrance in them I can’t see for about 20 minutes. So the Blueberry Bounce is perfect. It’s super refreshing and doesn’t damage my eyes.
Then if I’m feeling extra fancy, I’ll double cleanse using the *Glossier Milk Jelly Cleanser. It is an absolute DELIGHT to behold and makeup literally melts off. I make sure I use a fresh flannel every night because I’m terrified of break out and switching my routine and fingers crossed we’re doing well so far!
Danielle’s Favourite’s
I recently invested in the *Drunk Elephant Slaai Makeup-Melting Butter Cleanser and I have to say it’s flipping wonderful. Definitely the perfect pick if you wear a lot of high coverage makeup as this absolutely melts it away. At a price of £29 it’s definitely at the top of my budget but my god is it a joy a to use.
*Glossier’s Milky Jelly Cleanser is my favourite cleanser for so many reasons, I apply to a dry face and rub it into the areas that need the makeup melting off – usually eyes – you can literally rub this straight into your eyeballs and feel no stinging sensation whatsoever.
Have I spoken about this cleanser a million times before? Yes. Am I going to blast on about how good it is again? Absolutely!Danielle
I believe this is because one of the ingredients is contact lens solution but don’t quote me on that. Basically this cleanser can pretty much get rid of any makeup on your face as long as your work it in properly. It doesn’t have a really strong scent (which is great for skincare) and it leaves my skin feeling super soft, clean and not tight.
I also love this *Beauty Pie Japanfusion cleanser, which again goes best on to dry skin, then I add water which turns the formula into more of a milky consistency. I find the oily formula perfect for breaking down stubborn make-up and leaving my skin feeling lovely and not stripped of all its moisture.
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In honour of the Shrove Tuesday tradition, we took ourselves off on a tour of Brighton's finest pancake joints to unearth the meanest stacks this city has to offer.
We masticated our way through cloud-like layers of buttermilk dough, inhaling big fluffy ones, fruity ones and chicken ones and then we took a long hard look at ourselves and our maple syrup bearing beards in the mirror. Never have we loved our reflection more than in that intimate moment of piggishness.
If like us, you like your eggs folded into a bed of batter in the morning, you’re in the right place. Forget whipping up your own P-Cakes, celebrate the tastiest holiday of the year by digging into the brunch of champions at one of these treasured establishments. Enjoy!
These guys know how to whip up a 10/10 breakfast – clue is in the name. Want something a little more out there than your trad lemon and sugar combo? Their Ringer Stinger is the stack for you.
Our order: Pancake & Berries, Ringer Stinger
The Breakfast Club is celebrating pancake day with a ‘Pub Pancake Specials’ from the 24th February to the 1st March featuring; Ham egg and chips pancakes, Lemon Meringue Mess pancakes, deep-fried cornflake ice-cream and more!
“The Breakfast Club was one of the first places I discovered my love of fluffy pancakes. They’re light as air and the whipped vanilla cream and the berries with the warm compote is the perfect combination. Although they are VERY filling and I’m yet to fully finish one” – Zoe
Anywhere with a five stack offering on the menu is getting a big fat flippin’ yes from us. Jo & Co buttermilk pancakes come loaded with Greek yoghurt (or vanilla ice cream, the choice is yours) and festooned with fresh berries, so there’s zero chance of going home hungry round here.
Our order: Buttermilk pancakes.
Jo & Co are going all out for pancake day with a special menu featuring the most delicious selection of Buttermilk pancakes with the following toppings; Nutella, banana, hazelnuts and Sussex ice-cream company vanilla ice cream. Coconut yogurt, apple & cinnamon compote. Brighton Sausage company smoked streaky bacon, maple syrup, Sussex ice-cream company maple and pecan ice-cream. Smoked salmon, dill, creme fraiche and capers
“Jo & Co is a new one on my favourites list! We went a few months back and the pancakes were so delicious I find myself thinking about them on the regular. With a lovely setting and even more lovely owners, it’s the perfect spot for brunch (and absolutely divine pancakes)” – Zoe
Six is one of Brighton’s Insta-famous eateries and it certainly hits the sweet spot for its classy interiors and homemade plant-based pancakes.
Pick from Nutella and banana, berry compote, fresh berries, maple syrup, chantilly cream and seeds, or go classic with maple syrup and crispy bacon. Brunch with the girls just got even batter!
“We love going to Six when we’re in Hove, it’s such a vibrant place to go for brunch and the menu is great. Their pancakes are delicious, especially if you love a classic banana and Nutella (don’t we all). They also do a bottomless brunch which is a bit of a hit with a lot of my friends!”– Zoe
Hailed one of the best brunch spots in the country, The New Club already had our attention long before we face-planted their pancakes. A mash-up of LA style, NYC grub, beats, beards and tats, this place oozes urban cool. Tuck into their delicious caramelised banana pancakes complete with hazelnut crumb and soak up the impressive view of Brighton’s iconic West Pier.
Our order: Caramelised banana and streaky smoked bacon pancakes with a bloody mary!
“We eat at The New Club A LOT. They do the best roasts and the best breakfasts too, so you could say they just completely nail all food. The caramelised banana pancakes are an absolute must if you visit on the weekends and the tall ceilings and open, spacious vibe with a view of the sea is the best setting for any meal.” – Zoe
If you like your P Cakes with a side serving of great music, house plants and eclectic decor, take yourself off the beaten track to this delightfully retro-chic hideaway. Relax in the laid-back 70s inspired living room-cum-café and deliberate over one of their many toppings. Unpretentious pancakes are their superpower!
Our order: Banana filled pancakes with chocolate and maple syrup butter
“Nowhere man has so much choice for pancakes there will definitely be something for everyone in your group! There’s a really cool retro vibe in here and it’s a much more casual dining experience. I love the banana and chocolate pancakes the best” – Zoe
The Starfish & Coffee pancakes are the stuff of legend. They boast an impressive circumference, delicate doughy innards and generous toppings – well worth marching up to the top of the whopping great hill to reach them.
Our order: Fruit pancakes
“This is a new find on the list of pancakes and it’s a bloody good’un. The dusting of cinnamon really adds something and the pancakes themselves are so fluffy and such a generous size! I also love the cafe itself as its super light and airy and situated right next to Queens Park for a post-pancake stroll” – Zoe
These guys know how to pull out all the stops when it comes to their pancakes. Expect deliciously fluffy American style cakes accompanied with your choice of banana and toffee sauce, blueberry and maple syrup or free-range bacon. Shrove Tuesday – completed it mate.
Our order: Vegan and gluten-free pancakes
“Moksha is such a good place to go for brunch with so many options! Their pancakes have blueberries IN THEM and they also offer a vegan and gluten free option!” – Zoe
Best known for their artisan coffee roasted on-site, Trading Post sure know how to handle their dough too. Complement your cup of Joe with their sweet ‘n’ savoury smoked back bacon pancakes. They’re wickedly tasty!
Our order: Smoked back bacon pancakes
“Another regular spot for me and my friends, we love Trading Post! It’s super spacious set on two floors and the menu is full of gems. The perfect place to meet friends on the weekend, drink all the coffee and have all the cosy chats”– Zoe
Located in a snazzy grade II listed old post office, The Ivy is all about the opulence. Big windows, parquet flooring, rich jewel-toned seating and a Gatsby-esque art deco onyx bar, it’s a maximalist’s dream.
Their traditional pancakes come perfectly presented, garnished with juicy berries and drizzled in warm strawberry sauce. HOT DAYUM. If you’re in the market for a sophisticated stack, The Ivy’s your answer.
Our order: Hot buttermilk pancakes with fruit
“It’s impossible for me to tell you which of these pancakes is my favourite because that would be like asking me to choose between Nala and Alfie. They’re all just SO GOOD. However, I will definitely say these are in my top 3 because they’re such a good size and don’t feel as filling. The warm compote is heavenly!” – Zoe
Another one of Brighton’s proudly indie cafes serving up some of the finest pancakes in town, every day of the week. With three locations around the city, you’ll never be far away from one of their phenomenal stacks.
Our order: Greek yoghurt pancakes
“Cafe Coho is such a warm and inviting place. They do some epic breakfast options and their pancakes are next level! I love eating in here” – Zoe
You may have noticed, we're a fan of curling up with a good book over here. Give us a cup of brew and a cosy corner to get stuck into a fresh paperback and we'll be at it for hours.
If you’re an avid bookworm, you’ll understand the joy of losing yourself in a novel too, which is why we’ve compiled a reading list of our all-time favourite fiction. Our very own literary canon, if you will!
From modern giants to the must-read classics and a certain scar-bearing wizard, these are the books that have stayed with us way past the acknowledgements.
– Maddie –
Pride and Prejudice
Probably my all-time favourite book if I had to pick one. When Jane Austen created Elizabeth Bennet she may not have known at the time but she was creating the feminist protagonist we all still need in our lives to this day. She’s fearless, determined, witty and honest but most of all she didn’t let her position as a woman of “little means” and of the horrifyingly old age of 21 dictate her future happiness. I think even 200 years later we could all stand to be a little bit more like her.
Harry Potter
I have read and reread these books time after time and I think that I could never grow tired of them, I simply couldn’t not include them in this list. They’re wonderful escapism at it’s best with incredible detail, interesting characters and plot twists. There’s love, friendship and of course all the magic, what’s not to love! I think secretly we all wish we could be witches or wizards and go to Hogwarts, don’t we?
The Song of Achilles
This was a stand out favourite book of the more recent years for me. I am obsessed with Greek mythology so I always knew the subject matter would make it a page-turner but it was so much more than I expected. The love story that grows between the two main male characters who are so complexly different is so beautifully written I was weeping by the end. It’s an incredible retelling of a story I thought I already knew and just thinking about it makes me want to pick it up again.
– Danielle –
One Day
This book was just simply magnificent when I first read it. It revisits the same two characters who met at their Uni graduation on the same day every year. I love everything about it, the premise, the way it was written, the characters and all the hilarious and heartbreaking bits. I physically cannot put the movie on as it hurts my soul, I won’t give away why in case it’s a big fat spoiler but if you haven’t read this book PLEASE give it a go!
The Night Circus
Such a beautiful read from start to finish I ate this up time and time again and I’d still grab it out and dust it off for a holiday now. It keeps you guessing in a universe that isn’t much like our own and I guarantee you it’ the perfect escape!
Chelsea Handler’s Collection
I’m not 100% certain how I started reading Chelsea Handler’s books, I think I may have picked one up in an airport when I was about 19 coming home alone from Miami. Generally, her books are made up of stories from her life and they are absolutely hilarious, laugh out loud funny. She is so unapologetically herself at all times, and if reading them doesn’t make you give fewer F***s I don’t know what will.
Rupi Kaur – Milk and Honey
As this is a poetry book you can pick it up whenever you fancy and remind yourself of some of the most gorgeous yet genius poems you’ll ever set your eyes on. I adore Rupi’s words, they make me think and cry and generally stick with me for such a long time. Follow her on Instagram if you want a little taste!
– Zoë –
Anne Franks Diary
I first read this when I was in primary school and it had such a huge effect on me that I have read it more times than I can count. I love that it’s such a momentous piece of history and it’s something I will also encourage my children to read too!
The “I Heart…” Series by Lindsay Kelk
This was one of my first introductions to women’s ‘chick-lit’ and I was obsessed. I adore Lindsay’s writing style and instantly fell in love with Angela and all her escapades. I could read these over and over!
Gone Girl – Gillian Flynn
This book completely engulfed me and it was fabulous. I don’t think I’ve ever read a book as fast as this one. It’s really fast-paced and a great thriller. After finishing this I needed to talk about it with someone immediately. Always a sign of a book you’ll never forget!
All The Bright Places
Jennifer Niven – I read this a few years ago and couldn’t stop recommending it to people (it was also a book in my Zoella book club with WHSmith). It’s one of those stories that hooks you in and makes you feel all the feels. Adore Jennifers writing, characters and the storyline is perfect.
– Lareese –
Grief Is A Thing With Feathers
Part sound-poem, part lyrical memoir and metaphor – this book will stay with me forever. It’s not something I’d usually read but I’m very interested in the grief narrative as it’s such a human experience. This story centres around a dad, a crow and his two young sons as they try to navigate life without their mum. It’s beautifully written, sad, confusing, hopeful and unconventional in the best way. It’s hard to unpack and impossible to articulate – much like grief itself – because it deserves a genre all on its own.
Jane Eyre
Jane Eyre was a secondary school classic! I remember reading the opening chapters aloud in class and just falling in love with the way it was written. The pathetic fallacy, the unusually spunky and headstrong heroine, the flawed romance – it’s a remarkable novel.
– Charlotte –
The Book Thief
My all-time number one! I’ve always been a history junkie so any books set in the First or Second World War immediately have my attention. Set in 1939 Nazi Germany, the story follows 9-year-old protagonist Liesel and her love affair with books, as she starts a journey in stealing them from libraries and even Nazi book burnings. Things become dangerous after Liesel’s foster father hides a Jewish man in their basement, and the story of love, loss, innocence, and hate leaves you gripped throughout.
Confessions of a Shopaholic series
Something a little lighter! I first read these books when I was far too young to be hearing about the ins and outs of the saucy encounters of Rebecca Bloomwood, but nonetheless they’ve remained high on my list of romcom faves. The series follows Becky’s ups and downs as she battles to manage her career, love life, and the mishaps that come with her quirky personality, all whilst her uncontrollable shopping habits lead her astray time and time again …
The Rosie Project series
I’m not usually one for a male protagonist but this series bucks the trend! Written from the perspective of Don Tillman- an Australian genetics professor- the story follows his unusual personality (think Eleanor Oliphant vibes) as he sets out on ‘project wife’ and his mission to find ‘the one’ based on a perfectly constructed questionnaire. But when Don meets Rosie, his perfectly orchestrated plan goes out the window, and you’re left to wonder if spontaneity, ditching routine and straying from what you know is all part of the process in finding your perfect someone.
– Darcey –
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck – Mark Manson
This is a bit of an unconventional one, but this book really helped me change my mindset while I was at university. It teaches you to remember that bad stuff will happen, that it’s just how life works, but to remember that achieving anything in life comes with a struggle. It taught me to remember that not everything can always come easy.
Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte
I studied this book at college, and I loved it so much. This was a book written before its time, Bronte challenged victorian ideals, like religion and social class, which I found so fascinating. This book made me think a lot about feminism within literature too and I ended up writing my A-Level coursework on Emily and Charlotte Brontes feminist literature!
The Fault in Our Stars
I mean I think this book is probably in a lot of people’s top books, I have never cried so much reading this book. In fact, I think this is the only book I’ve ever cried at while reading. I loved the film to of course, but for me the book won, I prefer how the story is played out.
– Lauren –
Eat Pray Love
I read the book after watching the film, and of course, I loved it more, and it’s kept a special place in my heart ever since. The fact Liz Gilbert took this huge step to change her life and put her happiness first, learning skills, being open to the universe and life, and being able to experience so much of the world is truly inspiring. This book is what sparked my obsession with Italy and learning Italian, and it’s one I re-read yearly.
The amazing Abi Bergstrom is head of publishing at Gleam Titles and is a self-professed book obsessive. This year Abi is working on lots of amazing book including Zoe Sugg's and Amy McCulloch's - The Magpie Society.
What is your role at Gleam futures and what does it entail?
I’m Head
of Publishing at Gleam Titles, the literary arm at Gleam. I work as an agent
and represent the books and look after the careers of writers. So it’s my job
to talent spot and discover authors, I help secure them publishing deals and
work alongside them throughout the process of writing and publishing their
books.
How long have you worked with Zoe?
I have worked with Zoe for more than four years now! I’ve loved watching her move from her Girl Online fiction series into non-fiction, and then onto this big fiction series, The Magpie Society, which we’re so excited about. It’s going to be EPIC.
What are some of the best parts of your job?
The
people. One of the best parts of my job is getting to work with people who are
doing amazing things in the world, like changing laws, facilitating
award-winning activism and helping others with the skills and platforms they
have. I also love words – being close to the text, an idea, and helping turn
that into a book that people will spend time with.
What are you currently working on?
A lot of
the things I’m working on now I can’t discuss as the deals haven’t been
announced. But this month we’ve had Sunday Times bestsellers with Where’s
My Happy Ending? and the one and only Mrs Hinch. Liv Purvis’ The
Insecure Girl’s Club and Chidera Eggerue’s How To Get Over a
Boy have published – they are both fantastic books offering pearls of
wisdom and nuggets of truth.
What did you study at school/uni to help with your career?
I studied
English Literature and it definitely laid the foundation for my work. I think
the psychoanalytic theory I studied was very informative in terms of the books
I work on now – it’s where I discovered feminism and the idea of gender as a
social construct.
What are some of your all-time favourite books?
That’s the impossible question I get asked time and time again. I love to read literary fiction: Deborah Levy, Angela Carter, Miranda July, Sally Rooney etc. I’d recommend everything and anything they’ve written. I also love more surreal and quirky books that suspend your reality, such as Andrew Kaufman’s All My Friends are Superheroes and The Vegetarian by Han Kang. Ariel by Sylvia Plath is one of my favourite poetry collections. The Son by Philipp Meyer is the best western I’ve ever read.
What are you looking forward to reading this year?
There is
so much great stuff coming this year! Excluding my own authors from this list,
I’m excited to read Exciting Times by Naoise Dolan Pandora’s
Sykes collection of essays How We Know We’re Doing It Right, The
Panic Years by Nelle Frizzle, Marian Keyes’ new novel Grown
Ups and Explaining Humans by Camilla Pang.
Who are some of your favourite new authors?
Han Kang,
Naoise Dolan and Marina Keegan, who sadly passed away at a very young age but
her debut collection of essays and stories The Opposite of Loneliness was
published posthumously, and it is one of the most brilliant and affecting
collections I’ve read.
What do you like most about working in London?
The access
it gives you to so many other worlds and perspectives, inspiring art in
galleries around the corner, the height of new fashion on your doorstop and
incredible food to sample on your lunch hour. London is a giver.
If you had any advice for aspiring writers what would it be?
Write what you’re afraid to write. Read as much
work as you can by the writers you aspire to be like. Write, write, and write.
What do you always carry with you?
Poo bags.
(I have an Italian Greyhound).
What would your last meal be?
My answer
was always seafood, I adore seafood. But I just got struck down with food
poisoning from a handful of cruel oysters, so now I’m really not sure…
What are you looking forward to most in 2020?
All of the incredible books I have coming from some amazingly talented people – Laura Bates, Sam Baker, Emma Gannon, Florence Given, Sophie Hinch, Louise Pentland, Penny Wincer and of course Zoe! It’s going to be one hell of a year for Gleam Titles.
What if your only intention today was to make someone else's day a better one?
To celebrate Random Acts of Kindness Day, we’re aiming to do just that by spreading a little piece of joy, one note at a time.
Inspired by London-based artist Andy Leek and his kindness project, ‘Notes to Strangers’, we thought we’d take a leaf out of his book and help spread life-affirming message across our fair city too. Because unexpected kindness is never wasted!
What random act of kindness are you going to carry out today?
This time around, we're dedicating our Weekly Wants to interior décor and shelf styling.
You can inject a lot of personality into a space simply by displaying some of your favourite items together in your home. So, whether you want to create a minimal arrangement with a neutral colour scheme to match, or you’d rather go all out maximalist – styling your shelves with the things you love is bound to make you feel right at home.
From vases and art prints to book stacks and candles, check out the decorative bits and bobs we want to see sitting pretty on our shelfie!
Maddie
I’m currently very much shelf-less. My husband and I are in the process of building a house so at this point a roof would be nice let alone getting the point of decorating shelves! I think we’ve got quite different views with these small details too, i’m all for an organised clutter whereas he loves a minimal no mess look. What we do agree on is art and prints so i imagine that’s what we will be investing in.
I am a non-stop shelf shuffler – it’s the easiest way to give a room a quick refresh and change up the mood a little! I collect loads of random bits and bobs from books and magazines to candles, little plates, notepads, fabric swatches and paint sample cards. Depending on how deep your shelves are, you can always add trinket boxes and create some varying height and symmetry, too.
When it comes to styling up a shelf, I love to have little sections where you’ve got different things going on. Maybe a little stack of books underneath a diffuser or a candle, a trailing house plant in a cute pot and a photo frame of some sort. You can really tailor it to your space and co ordinate it with the theme or colour scheme of the room it’s in too.
I’m currently styling up my mantlepiece which is a shelf of sorts! I’m a bit rubbish at this kind of thing but I’ve taken inspo from Charlotte Jacklin, Hannah Gale and obviously Zoe to pick out this eclectic mix of bits and pieces. I fell in love with this ‘I came to boogie’ artwork from Oliver Bonas that I can prop on my mantel up against the wall and have created a little gold an pink themed paradise!
Living a rented flat I can only DREAM of one day being able to put up endless shelves, colour code my books and house my overflowing plant collection. I’ve gone for a mixture of art, books and plants and love how the mixture of colours, textures and shapes look together. Notice that I’ve paired a houseplant with a greenery tips and tricks book- I need all the help I can get in caring for my leafy babes!
I am obsessed with house plants, so I like to fill my shelves with them. I love a cactus, or an abundance of cacti in my case. I love how spider plants look dotted at the ends of shelves too as they naturally start to hang down. I would pot my spider plants in these pots from Oliver Bonas and these cacti from Urban Outfitters would pair great with them. For other little touches, I like to have some photo frames and jewellery holders, I think they add a lot to an empty space. Lastly, I always have a candle placed somewhere, they look great and of course smell great too!
I’m not really one for shelf styling if I’m honest. I’m more of a chuck everything on a shelf and hope it doesn’t look too cluttered. I love to have books everywhere, some plants, photo frames and probably a few random pieces like a dolphin statue that I’m too sentimental to throw away. Maybe one day I’ll change?!
I’m all of nothing with shelves – fill them up so everything has a space and is off the floor, or keep them very minimal and styled with a few trinkets. I’m trying to buy more prints to make my space feel more homely so not only does it add personality, but plays with height and colour depending on the shelf. Pop in a planter (sans plant for me) and a nice candle to clear the space and you’re good to go!
Our 'Between You & Me' write-in is a regular series dedicated to answering your personal problems in our best Oprah voice.
When times are pretty sh*tty, we’ll wade in and give you our best pearls of wisdom, without the unsolicited advice – all in the hope that you’ll feel a little less alone in whatever you’re going through. Bottom line: Yes, you’re normal, no you’re not the only one, yes it’s ok to have problems and HELL YES it’s ok to ask for help.
Whether it’s friendship woes, marital struggles, grief, loneliness, body hang-ups, overbearing in-laws, problem-skin, stress or heartbreak, we all know a problem shared is a problem halved and we hope this space is somewhere you can show up, be open and honest and get the emotional back-up you need. Like a cracking pair of pants – we are here to hold you together, so lament and vent away!
So, let’s kick things off with our first BYAM dilemmas…
Zoe says…
Hi, thank you for opening up and writing in, I know that can’t have been easy and please don’t think it’s silly to feel this way, it’s perfectly normal and healthy and I can assure you that there will be others reading your question and nodding along. My parents divorced when I was 21, so although not as young as you are now, at any age it’s a huge life adjustment that comes with a big sense of uncertainty.
Although for you it happened two years ago, it will definitely take a while to feel that there is some normality and for the dust to completely settle. My parents divorce weirdly made me see them more as individuals rather than “mum” and “dad” which was something I’d not thought too much about before, but as they go on new chapters in their lives it will never alter the fact you are their daughter. I think it would be a good idea to chat with your Dad about how you feel and that it makes you nervous that he’ll see you less or that distance will grow between you (and not just in psychical miles). I have a feeling he will be worrying about it too! The last thing he would want is for you to be fretting about this to yourself, and he can offer you the reassurance you need.
I moved away from both my parents at 24 and we’re now 3 hours away from each other. It was a huge decision as I never saw myself leaving the family village, but if anything I think it means the time spent together is of a much higher quality. You can plan nice days together, go and stay for a weekend and really make the most of the time you spend together as opposed to smaller, more brief everyday encounters. I also find there is generally more to catch up on and chat about too!
Even the fact that you sharing this with us has made you feel better, imagine that weight being lifted by speaking with him too. Both your parents will want you to feel at ease and in the most comfortable situation as possible, so think about what would make you happy! Hope that helps! xxx
Lareese says…
Hi, thank you for opening up and writing in, I know that can’t have been easy and please don’t think it’s silly to feel this way, it’s perfectly normal and healthy and I can assure you that there will be others reading your question and nodding along. My parents divorced when I was 21, so although not as young as you are now, at any age it’s a huge life adjustment that comes with a big sense of uncertainty.
Although for you it happened two years ago, it will definitely take a while to feel that there is some normality and for the dust to completely settle. My parents divorce weirdly made me see them more as individuals rather than “mum” and “dad” which was something I’d not thought too much about before, but as they go on new chapters in their lives it will never alter the fact you are their daughter. I think it would be a good idea to chat with your Dad about how you feel and that it makes you nervous that he’ll see you less or that distance will grow between you (and not just in psychical miles). I have a feeling he will be worrying about it too! The last thing he would want is for you to be fretting about this to yourself, and he can offer you the reassurance you need.
I moved away from both my parents at 24 and we’re now 3 hours away from each other. It was a huge decision as I never saw myself leaving the family village, but if anything I think it means the time spent together is of a much higher quality. You can plan nice days together, go and stay for a weekend and really make the most of the time you spend together as opposed to smaller, more brief everyday encounters. I also find there is generally more to catch up on and chat about too!
Even the fact that you sharing this with us has made you feel better, imagine that weight being lifted by speaking with him too. Both your parents will want you to feel at ease and in the most comfortable situation as possible, so think about what would make you happy! Hope that helps! xxx
Charlotte says…
Hi, thank you for opening up and writing in, I know that can’t have been easy and please don’t think it’s silly to feel this way, it’s perfectly normal and healthy and I can assure you that there will be others reading your question and nodding along. My parents divorced when I was 21, so although not as young as you are now, at any age it’s a huge life adjustment that comes with a big sense of uncertainty.
Although for you it happened two years ago, it will definitely take a while to feel that there is some normality and for the dust to completely settle. My parents divorce weirdly made me see them more as individuals rather than “mum” and “dad” which was something I’d not thought too much about before, but as they go on new chapters in their lives it will never alter the fact you are their daughter. I think it would be a good idea to chat with your Dad about how you feel and that it makes you nervous that he’ll see you less or that distance will grow between you (and not just in psychical miles). I have a feeling he will be worrying about it too! The last thing he would want is for you to be fretting about this to yourself, and he can offer you the reassurance you need.
I moved away from both my parents at 24 and we’re now 3 hours away from each other. It was a huge decision as I never saw myself leaving the family village, but if anything I think it means the time spent together is of a much higher quality. You can plan nice days together, go and stay for a weekend and really make the most of the time you spend together as opposed to smaller, more brief everyday encounters. I also find there is generally more to catch up on and chat about too!
Even the fact that you sharing this with us has made you feel better, imagine that weight being lifted by speaking with him too. Both your parents will want you to feel at ease and in the most comfortable situation as possible, so think about what would make you happy! Hope that helps! xxx
Maddie says…
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through such a rubbish time, there really isn’t a pain like heartache and to go through it during a stressful uni work/exam time makes it that much worse. I was also in a really toxic on/off relationship from the ages of 18-26 and with each breakup, I went through all the exact motions you’re describing and it was really bloody hard. When I look back on it now though I just wish I hadn’t wasted so much time on someone that didn’t care about me as much as I did about them and I promise you, you will eventually feel the same way.
The best advice I can give while you’re still feeling so raw and upset is to stay as busy as you possibly can, say YES to things you wouldn’t have before, step out of your comfort zone, spend time with friends, take up a new hobby and find as many ways to meet new people as you can. Also, for the time being, self-preservation is key so unfollow/defriend him on everything and give yourself time to prioritise yourself instead.
I promise you if you occupy your brain enough the ratio of sadness to happiness will eventually tip back and you will feel much lighter again. Time really is the best healer in these situations so take it day by day and be as kind to yourself as possible.
Danielle says…
My heart really goes out to you and even your description of what you’re going through was tough to read let alone live through! I know you’ve probably heard this a lot from friends and family but I’m going to say it anyway – you are so young, you have so many fun things to do without the baggage of a long-term boyfriend and later on in life when you’re with someone who makes you ten times happier and this guy will just be that first boyfriend you had and nothing more.
In terms of him seeing someone else this is CLASSIC behaviour, the guy starts to rebound quickly while you’re still crying at home but for some reason in about 6 months time the tables start to turn, you get your confidence back and become ready to move on with life and it suddenly hits the guy who can’t handle seeing you live your best life. In terms of your happiness it sounds like what you’re feeling is grief, you’ve lost the person that has probably been your closest friend for the last two years and I’m sorry to say there is no cure other than time.
Start to nurture your other friendships, go out of your comfort zone where you can and start to imagine life without him, time really is the best healer and even though it’s horrible to live through, you’ll be so much stronger in a few months. Good Luck! xoxo
Charlotte says…
My heart really goes out to you and even your description of what you’re going through was tough to read let alone live through! I know you’ve probably heard this a lot from friends and family but I’m going to say it anyway – you are so young, you have so many fun things to do without the baggage of a long-term boyfriend and later on in life when you’re with someone who makes you ten times happier and this guy will just be that first boyfriend you had and nothing more.
In terms of him seeing someone else this is CLASSIC behaviour, the guy starts to rebound quickly while you’re still crying at home but for some reason in about 6 months time the tables start to turn, you get your confidence back and become ready to move on with life and it suddenly hits the guy who can’t handle seeing you live your best life. In terms of your happiness it sounds like what you’re feeling is grief, you’ve lost the person that has probably been your closest friend for the last two years and I’m sorry to say there is no cure other than time.
Start to nurture your other friendships, go out of your comfort zone where you can and start to imagine life without him, time really is the best healer and even though it’s horrible to live through, you’ll be so much stronger in a few months. Good Luck! xoxo
Maddie says…
Although I don’t work on the creative side of the team I can completely relate to the daunting feeling that comes with the end of university and the number 1 question that’s on absolutely everyone’s minds… what comes next!? So firstly, take some comfort that you’re not alone, almost everyone I know had ZERO idea what they really wanted to do after university, myself being one of them.
From my experience, at the start, it was very trial and error. I spent the first year following graduation going from job to job, interviewing anywhere I could (I’ve got some horror stories) and interning for next to no money just to get a bit of experience under my belt. In the working world experience is everything so my first bit of advice is to try get some! It doesn’t matter if it’s not the dream job to begin with, you will learn something with every opportunity and knowing what you don’t like is just as helpful as knowing what does make you happy.
If you haven’t already, start to collect and create a portfolio that really showcases your best work, once you feel really proud of your CV, be brave and proactively approach people that you admire to get advice and see whether they have any opportunities that might suit you. Some of the best people I’ve ever worked with and still work with to this day got to where they are just by being ballsy. You don’t ask you don’t get as they say.
Finally, know your worth. A lot of businesses will try and get you to do the most amount of work for the least amount of money possible in a bid to keep their costs down which could lead you to feeling undervalued and miserable. That being said, you need to be prepared to work hard to get to where you want to be, knowing people is obviously always useful but at the end of the day people reward talent and in the right environment it will shine through.
Remember it’s ok to take chances, change your mind a million times and try new things when the opportunities come along and if they don’t then remember you have the power to make things happen for yourself too.
Holly says…
OK, so I have many alarm bells ringing in my head. Have you face timed him? How do you know he is who he says he is? Do you both want to get married/have children? Have the same religious beliefs? I’m willing to bet these are questions you’ve not even thought about discussing after just 3 weeks of talking.
It depends what you’re looking for, but I honestly think that moving in with a stranger is not the answer either way. If you’re thinking long term, you need to know so much more about him. If you’re looking for a bit of fun, surely you don’t want to live together?
You’re probably feeling a bit lonely, after being with someone for 6.5 years, even if you don’t miss the relationship, you’ll miss the companionship so when someone new is giving you their undivided attention, it’s bound to feel amazing. But this is just the honeymoon phase and trust me, the initial love-like feelings will diminish.
I honestly don’t think you can know somebody after 3 weeks of talking, let alone not having met. Imagine he chews with his mouth open or poops with the door open? And I know a physical relationship isn’t everything, but can you even really know if you’re attracted to him from only speaking on the phone? There are so many things that could go wrong!
Moving to a new place is so exciting and you’ll have so many opportunities, make your own strides in this new city. Make your own friends and find your magic places or it will never feel like your home, you’ll be an accessory to him.
I’d suggest moving into your own place for 6 months or so and going from there. You might feel ready to be with him after 6 months or you might not even remember his name. Either way, be your own person for a little while.
I’m willing to bet you are a very trusting person but unfortunately, there are some not-so-nice people out there who will try and take advantage. If he’s the right guy it will all work out, no need to rush things.
Darcey says…
Firstly, I am desperate to know what happened when you met him and if you felt that connection in person! Although I must admit, this all does sound a bit crazy. I understand that sometimes you “just know” and have an instant connection. However, sometimes you find you “really didn’t know” how they could be and act. So, you add this to then living with someone (you hardly know let’s be honest) things could go bad pretty quickly… I personally think moving in so quick will ruin the pretty special first months of being together too, you need to miss someone to grow closer to them. So, living with someone straight away? You could get bored pretty quick. Best case scenario, you fall madly in love and it’s the best decision you ever made, but why don’t you let the relationship progress naturally while living apart? Especially as you are moving to a new city, Start fresh, on your own! Get your own place, make your own friends, find your OWN way.
I think you’ll find moving in with him straight away will take your independence away from you. You’ll become friends with his mates, live at his place (which in all seriousness, he could kick you out whenever he wants) and you’ll then be on his path. I think this could be a decision you seriously regret in the future, you don’t know him enough to make such a commitment, how long was it until you moved in with your ex? Look at past relationships and how they played out and make choices going forward from that. I just think you have such an amazing opportunity ahead to start fresh, find yourself, your passions, your love for a new city, it’s something you should start on your own. I’m not saying don’t pursue him, definitely do if you feel a connection! But just start slow and date, let that progress naturally, don’t force it to quickly and definitely make sure you are secure in a new city. Basically, don’t move in with him… But good luck in your new city! All the best, Darcey X
Danielle says…
Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of your friend, I lost a close friend in 2016 and it’s truly an awful thing to go through. It’s kind of uncommon to lose friends at this age and it’s not something with a rule book of how to handle it in the aftermath. In terms of the anniversary is this a date you usually spend with your friend’s family and celebrate their life together or is it something you spend alone?
If the latter, I’d consider starting to do things over the anniversary that your friend would have wanted you to do (I’d imagine they’d be so happy to see you having fun in Fiji!) as this way you can still honour them on this date, take a bit of time to yourself and mentally tell them what you’re up to. However, if there is a tradition that has started on the anniversary that you think you’ll never miss you should be truthful to birthday friend and trust that if they are a true friend they will understand.
I have a few friends who sound kind of similar, but I think if you sit them down seriously or send a long message detailing why you won’t be able to attend and what you have planned for the day, they should respect you enough to accept your wishes. xoxo
Zoe says…
I’m so sorry to hear about your friend, that must be a very hard thing to deal with when that date rolls around each year and you should absolutely take the time you need and do whatever it is that makes you feel better on that day. I think regardless of whether your friend tends to overreact, you should sit her down or write her a heartfelt message telling her your predicament.
If your friend is understanding and cares about you, she will absolutely understand that you need to do what is best for you but she is also allowed to feel sad that you won’t be there at her 30th (a good friend will miss you being there after all and her sadness will only reflect the fact she thinks so highly of you). Alternatively, as Danielle said, this holiday could be just what you need and it might be what your friend would have wanted, you having a fun day and being able to celebrate her life wherever you are in the world. It might also be nice to have your friends there for you too, even if you don’t feel up for joining in on much that day, knowing they’re there and that you can jump in on what they’re up to at any point might be nice!
Either way, I think bringing your friend in on your thoughts would be the best thing to do here, and if she goes completely off the handle at you and makes you feel completely rubbish, maybe she’s not a friend you want or need in your life, but that’s a whole other “between me and you” problem! Haha
Lareese says…
I think it’s time to set some healthy boundaries in this friendship. Of course, you want to do right by your friend and do your best to help them but not at the detriment of your own mental wellbeing and self-care. After all, a friendship should be a mutually beneficial partnership, you need to feel like you’re being heard and appreciated, too. With everything going on in your friend’s life, I think it’s possible that their anxiety is all-consuming, and perhaps they don’t realise they’re relying on you quite as much as they are.
Reassure them, acknowledge that what they’re going through is difficult and encourage new ways of thinking and viewing certain situations that trigger their anxiety but also, don’t be afraid to recognise it’s too complex for you to cope with all on your own.
Encourage them to get support from a professional so it’s not all on your shoulders. If you’re starting to feel the pressure, there’s absolutely no shame in recognising your limits and joining support groups or reaching out to a mental health professional so you’re getting the help YOU need too.
By setting clear boundaries and taking a minute to acknowledge your own needs, you’re actually making sure you’re better equipped to be emotionally available for them when it counts, without judgement.
Get them to ask you if you have the head-space and energy to take this problem on right now? If the answer is no, gently let them know. Say I’m a bit frazzled right now but you know what, let’s go for a walk at the weekend and talk things out. I’ll be there for you! By prefacing your conversations with this question you instantly know one another’s boundaries and can control the situation. In doing so, you’re actually normalising the conversation around anxiety.
In order for you to be the best possible friend to them, you need to understand your boundaries and ask for what you need. It might be an uncomfortable conversation to have at first but by being open and honest with one another, it will only improve your friendship in the long run. Lareese x
Holly says…
Let me start off by saying you are absolutely not a bad person. I think anyone that is worried they’re a bad person, generally isn’t.
Most people (myself included) could do with putting themselves first sometimes. Something I’ve learnt over the past few years is that absolutely everyone has their own shit going on. So never feel bad for putting yourself first.
Friendships/Relationships can be tough, especially this one sounds a bit one-sided. I’m going to try and explain an analogy my therapist gave me but bear with me, I’m not one for words. So imagine a ‘container’- Everything that causes you anxiety or stress goes in the container. The more full the container gets, the heavier it gets and you’re carrying this around with you. You need ways to relieve this pressure, things you enjoy and help you destress. For me, I play netball, spend time with my little cousins and talk things through with my friends/family. This keeps the container at a steady half full all the time. Make sure you know your taps and when you need to open them. If the container is full up, you’re no good to anyone!
That being said, if in the future you feel like you are in a position to offer your friend support, then I don’t think being ‘bad’ at making someone feel better is a thing. If your friend is coming to you its because you are exactly what they need right now. Whether it’s to take their mind off of it or just sit in silence together, never underestimate the power of just showing someone you care. Ask them how you can help. Nobody knows their brain better than themselves so chance are, instead of stressing on how to help, they’ll tell you exactly.
If everyone could put the time into themselves I think the world would be a much better place. Holly
Zoe says…
Hi, your problem really stood out to me as someone who is probably “that friend” at times haha! And there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling that way but to reassure you, your friend is probably painfully aware that their mental health could be affecting those around them.
Your friend must really trust you to share how they are feeling and to expose their vulnerable side with you (a lot of people don’t feel they have that person in their life) and it’s about getting a good balance of “being there as a friend” to your best ability but also you must never feel that you are carrying the burden of someone else’s problems as that can start to weigh very heavy on you and you could end up being the one needing support. If your friend isn’t speaking with a professional, it might be worth suggesting it so they feel they have someone more qualified to help them with their mental health, thus taking some of the pressure off of you. Mental health can feel very consuming, both to the person experiencing it, and to those close to them, but it’s not something that can just be turned off. One thing that might also help, is to ask your friend specifically what you can do to help during a panic attack or an emotional/stressful time if you feel that you are unsure of how to make them feel better, although I’m sure you do make a difference otherwise they wouldn’t keep opening up to you.
My boyfriend of 7 years will have moments of knowing exactly what to do and say but will equally still get frustrated at times, but it definitely took a lot of communication and years of working out what works best for both of us in those situations. It certainly does not make you a bad person or a bad friend, it’s totally normal to feel this way but if you love them and care about them, this is just one of the things that comes hand in hand with this friendship and you can only do your best, but their mental health is not in your hands and you should never feel pressured to do or say a certain thing because of them.
A friendship should be beneficial for both people, and if you don’t feel you’re getting as much out of it as they are, it’s definitely worth having a conversation about!
Darcey says…
Relationships… It’s a funny topic at this age, isn’t it? Everyone is either basically married, or single and always ready to mingle. So, as a fellow 21-year-old, who has also never had a boyfriend and doesn’t go on many dates, I feel you! I want to say firstly though, never EVER think that something is wrong with you or that you aren’t enough, you are perfect just as you are. You just haven’t found the right person yet, and that’s okay. When it comes to relationships, you mustn’t compare yourself to others, especially at our age. This is something I have also struggled with in the past, always wondering “why haven’t I met anyone yet?”, “Why don’t any of my ‘talking stages’ progress to anything?” and “Is there something I’m missing, do I need to change?”.
But you have to just trust your own path, trust that there is someone out there for you and that you’ll meet them when the time is right. Another thing you have to do (which I am also not always the best at) is you’ve got to put yourself out there. Get on some dating apps, Hinge I would recommend, just start chatting to some people. Then, when you feel comfortable, go on some dates. If you are already trying this, then don’t be afraid to ask them on a date! At the end of the day, what have you got to lose?
Unfortunately, some people find love easier than others, I have friends who have been in constant relationships since 14… and I just think, how?! Sounds like you have a similar situation with your friends too. But, don’t let their comments upset you either, especially the “you’re kinda intimidating” one. Firstly, I highly doubt you are “intimidating”, you definitely don’t need to change who you are as a person to please others. To me it just sounds like you are slightly standoffish when meeting new people, maybe to do with anxiety or fear around guys especially. I can be exactly the same! So, don’t worry about all that, if a guy is interested, he’ll show interest, it’s just finding the confidence to put yourself out there a little more.
I struggle with anxiety too, and it makes me sometimes question how I’ll come across to others, especially when it comes to dating. It’s held me back in the past, but a friend told me recently not to fear putting myself out there, because if they don’t like you for you then that’s their problem, you just have to be your authentic self!
But never do anything you feel uncomfortable with to please others, do things at your own pace. Start dating when you feel you want to, not when your friends say you should. Being on your own is something you should enjoy! Enjoy your twenties and remember there’s a lot of us single pringles out there. Hope this helps and the best of luck with everything! Darcey x
Danielle says…
Hey Anon, there are a few things to unpack here but I think they’re definitely all connected. As time goes on it sounds like you’re becoming more worried about not having a boyfriend/ any male interest but it also sounds like you used to have a good way of framing this (it’ll happen someday, I’ll be fine).
Societal pressures can really weigh down on you and make you think you ‘should’ have done something by a certain point, I feel it all the time like ‘should I own a house by now’, ‘should I be having kids in the next few years’. Suddenly friends and family can start making you feel bad about yourself because you’re living your life a bit differently. I think in this case of your anxiety, it’s flaring up because you’re worried about it as appose to you thinking that your anxiety is WHY you have not had a boyfriend.
My advice would be to start making more friends with guys, this way you’ll probably feel more comfortable with men in the future. It’s also super easy for friendships to turn in to something more and is usually the most organic way for relationships to start. You mentioned not doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable but I urge you to do one thing a month that makes you feel uncomfortable, it sounds scary but more often than not you’ll be so pleased with yourself after the fact, which will do wonders for your self-esteem.
Switching up a few things in life is always a good thing and it could open some doors you didn’t even know existed! Keep smiling anon, the right people are out there for you <3
Keep sending your problems to Betweenyouandme@zoella.co.uk as we’ll be answering more next month!
xxx
