Between You And Me – Answering Your Problems

Hi, thank you for opening up and writing in, I know that can’t have been easy and please don’t think it’s silly to feel this way, it’s perfectly normal and healthy and I can assure you that there will be others reading your question and nodding along. My parents divorced when I was 21, so although not as young as you are now, at any age it’s a huge life adjustment that comes with a big sense of uncertainty.

Although for you it happened two years ago, it will definitely take a while to feel that there is some normality and for the dust to completely settle. My parents divorce weirdly made me see them more as individuals rather than “mum” and “dad” which was something I’d not thought too much about before, but as they go on new chapters in their lives it will never alter the fact you are their daughter. I think it would be a good idea to chat with your Dad about how you feel and that it makes you nervous that he’ll see you less or that distance will grow between you (and not just in psychical miles). I have a feeling he will be worrying about it too! The last thing he would want is for you to be fretting about this to yourself, and he can offer you the reassurance you need.

I moved away from both my parents at 24 and we’re now 3 hours away from each other. It was a huge decision as I never saw myself leaving the family village, but if anything I think it means the time spent together is of a much higher quality. You can plan nice days together, go and stay for a weekend and really make the most of the time you spend together as opposed to smaller, more brief everyday encounters. I also find there is generally more to catch up on and chat about too!

Even the fact that you sharing this with us has made you feel better, imagine that weight being lifted by speaking with him too. Both your parents will want you to feel at ease and in the most comfortable situation as possible, so think about what would make you happy! Hope that helps! 🙂 xxx

Hi, thank you for opening up and writing in, I know that can’t have been easy and please don’t think it’s silly to feel this way, it’s perfectly normal and healthy and I can assure you that there will be others reading your question and nodding along. My parents divorced when I was 21, so although not as young as you are now, at any age it’s a huge life adjustment that comes with a big sense of uncertainty.

Although for you it happened two years ago, it will definitely take a while to feel that there is some normality and for the dust to completely settle. My parents divorce weirdly made me see them more as individuals rather than “mum” and “dad” which was something I’d not thought too much about before, but as they go on new chapters in their lives it will never alter the fact you are their daughter. I think it would be a good idea to chat with your Dad about how you feel and that it makes you nervous that he’ll see you less or that distance will grow between you (and not just in psychical miles). I have a feeling he will be worrying about it too! The last thing he would want is for you to be fretting about this to yourself, and he can offer you the reassurance you need.

I moved away from both my parents at 24 and we’re now 3 hours away from each other. It was a huge decision as I never saw myself leaving the family village, but if anything I think it means the time spent together is of a much higher quality. You can plan nice days together, go and stay for a weekend and really make the most of the time you spend together as opposed to smaller, more brief everyday encounters. I also find there is generally more to catch up on and chat about too!

Even the fact that you sharing this with us has made you feel better, imagine that weight being lifted by speaking with him too. Both your parents will want you to feel at ease and in the most comfortable situation as possible, so think about what would make you happy! Hope that helps! 🙂 xxx

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through such a rubbish time, there really isn’t a pain like heartache and to go through it during a stressful uni work/exam time makes it that much worse. I was also in a really toxic on/off relationship from the ages of 18-26 and with each breakup, I went through all the exact motions you’re describing and it was really bloody hard. When I look back on it now though I just wish I hadn’t wasted so much time on someone that didn’t care about me as much as I did about them and I promise you, you will eventually feel the same way.

The best advice I can give while you’re still feeling so raw and upset is to stay as busy as you possibly can, say YES to things you wouldn’t have before, step out of your comfort zone, spend time with friends, take up a new hobby and find as many ways to meet new people as you can. Also, for the time being, self-preservation is key so unfollow/defriend him on everything and give yourself time to prioritise yourself instead.

I promise you if you occupy your brain enough the ratio of sadness to happiness will eventually tip back and you will feel much lighter again. Time really is the best healer in these situations so take it day by day and be as kind to yourself as possible.

My heart really goes out to you and even your description of what you’re going through was tough to read let alone live through! I know you’ve probably heard this a lot from friends and family but I’m going to say it anyway – you are so young, you have so many fun things to do without the baggage of a long-term boyfriend and later on in life when you’re with someone who makes you ten times happier and this guy will just be that first boyfriend you had and nothing more.

In terms of him seeing someone else this is CLASSIC behaviour, the guy starts to rebound quickly while you’re still crying at home but for some reason in about 6 months time the tables start to turn, you get your confidence back and become ready to move on with life and it suddenly hits the guy who can’t handle seeing you live your best life. In terms of your happiness it sounds like what you’re feeling is grief, you’ve lost the person that has probably been your closest friend for the last two years and I’m sorry to say there is no cure other than time.

Start to nurture your other friendships, go out of your comfort zone where you can and start to imagine life without him, time really is the best healer and even though it’s horrible to live through, you’ll be so much stronger in a few months. Good Luck! xoxo

My heart really goes out to you and even your description of what you’re going through was tough to read let alone live through! I know you’ve probably heard this a lot from friends and family but I’m going to say it anyway – you are so young, you have so many fun things to do without the baggage of a long-term boyfriend and later on in life when you’re with someone who makes you ten times happier and this guy will just be that first boyfriend you had and nothing more.

In terms of him seeing someone else this is CLASSIC behaviour, the guy starts to rebound quickly while you’re still crying at home but for some reason in about 6 months time the tables start to turn, you get your confidence back and become ready to move on with life and it suddenly hits the guy who can’t handle seeing you live your best life. In terms of your happiness it sounds like what you’re feeling is grief, you’ve lost the person that has probably been your closest friend for the last two years and I’m sorry to say there is no cure other than time.

Start to nurture your other friendships, go out of your comfort zone where you can and start to imagine life without him, time really is the best healer and even though it’s horrible to live through, you’ll be so much stronger in a few months. Good Luck! xoxo

Although I don’t work on the creative side of the team I can completely relate to the daunting feeling that comes with the end of university and the number 1 question that’s on absolutely everyone’s minds… what comes next!? So firstly, take some comfort that you’re not alone, almost everyone I know had ZERO idea what they really wanted to do after university, myself being one of them.

From my experience, at the start, it was very trial and error. I spent the first year following graduation going from job to job, interviewing anywhere I could (I’ve got some horror stories) and interning for next to no money just to get a bit of experience under my belt. In the working world experience is everything so my first bit of advice is to try get some! It doesn’t matter if it’s not the dream job to begin with, you will learn something with every opportunity and knowing what you don’t like is just as helpful as knowing what does make you happy.

If you haven’t already, start to collect and create a portfolio that really showcases your best work, once you feel really proud of your CV, be brave and proactively approach people that you admire to get advice and see whether they have any opportunities that might suit you. Some of the best people I’ve ever worked with and still work with to this day got to where they are just by being ballsy. You don’t ask you don’t get as they say.

Finally, know your worth. A lot of businesses will try and get you to do the most amount of work for the least amount of money possible in a bid to keep their costs down which could lead you to feeling undervalued and miserable. That being said, you need to be prepared to work hard to get to where you want to be, knowing people is obviously always useful but at the end of the day people reward talent and in the right environment it will shine through.

Remember it’s ok to take chances, change your mind a million times and try new things when the opportunities come along and if they don’t then remember you have the power to make things happen for yourself too.

OK, so I have many alarm bells ringing in my head. Have you face timed him? How do you know he is who he says he is? Do you both want to get married/have children? Have the same religious beliefs? I’m willing to bet these are questions you’ve not even thought about discussing after just 3 weeks of talking.

It depends what you’re looking for, but I honestly think that moving in with a stranger is not the answer either way. If you’re thinking long term, you need to know so much more about him. If you’re looking for a bit of fun, surely you don’t want to live together?
You’re probably feeling a bit lonely, after being with someone for 6.5 years, even if you don’t miss the relationship, you’ll miss the companionship so when someone new is giving you their undivided attention, it’s bound to feel amazing. But this is just the honeymoon phase and trust me, the initial love-like feelings will diminish.

I honestly don’t think you can know somebody after 3 weeks of talking, let alone not having met. Imagine he chews with his mouth open or poops with the door open? And I know a physical relationship isn’t everything, but can you even really know if you’re attracted to him from only speaking on the phone? There are so many things that could go wrong!
Moving to a new place is so exciting and you’ll have so many opportunities, make your own strides in this new city. Make your own friends and find your magic places or it will never feel like your home, you’ll be an accessory to him.

I’d suggest moving into your own place for 6 months or so and going from there. You might feel ready to be with him after 6 months or you might not even remember his name. Either way, be your own person for a little while.
I’m willing to bet you are a very trusting person but unfortunately, there are some not-so-nice people out there who will try and take advantage. If he’s the right guy it will all work out, no need to rush things.

Firstly, I am desperate to know what happened when you met him and if you felt that connection in person! Although I must admit, this all does sound a bit crazy. I understand that sometimes you “just know” and have an instant connection. However, sometimes you find you “really didn’t know” how they could be and act. So, you add this to then living with someone (you hardly know let’s be honest) things could go bad pretty quickly… I personally think moving in so quick will ruin the pretty special first months of being together too, you need to miss someone to grow closer to them. So, living with someone straight away? You could get bored pretty quick. Best case scenario, you fall madly in love and it’s the best decision you ever made, but why don’t you let the relationship progress naturally while living apart? Especially as you are moving to a new city, Start fresh, on your own! Get your own place, make your own friends, find your OWN way.

I think you’ll find moving in with him straight away will take your independence away from you. You’ll become friends with his mates, live at his place (which in all seriousness, he could kick you out whenever he wants) and you’ll then be on his path. I think this could be a decision you seriously regret in the future, you don’t know him enough to make such a commitment, how long was it until you moved in with your ex? Look at past relationships and how they played out and make choices going forward from that. I just think you have such an amazing opportunity ahead to start fresh, find yourself, your passions, your love for a new city, it’s something you should start on your own. I’m not saying don’t pursue him, definitely do if you feel a connection! But just start slow and date, let that progress naturally, don’t force it to quickly and definitely make sure you are secure in a new city. Basically, don’t move in with him… But good luck in your new city! All the best, Darcey X

Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of your friend, I lost a close friend in 2016 and it’s truly an awful thing to go through. It’s kind of uncommon to lose friends at this age and it’s not something with a rule book of how to handle it in the aftermath. In terms of the anniversary is this a date you usually spend with your friend’s family and celebrate their life together or is it something you spend alone?

If the latter, I’d consider starting to do things over the anniversary that your friend would have wanted you to do (I’d imagine they’d be so happy to see you having fun in Fiji!) as this way you can still honour them on this date, take a bit of time to yourself and mentally tell them what you’re up to. However, if there is a tradition that has started on the anniversary that you think you’ll never miss you should be truthful to birthday friend and trust that if they are a true friend they will understand.

I have a few friends who sound kind of similar, but I think if you sit them down seriously or send a long message detailing why you won’t be able to attend and what you have planned for the day, they should respect you enough to accept your wishes. xoxo

I’m so sorry to hear about your friend, that must be a very hard thing to deal with when that date rolls around each year and you should absolutely take the time you need and do whatever it is that makes you feel better on that day. I think regardless of whether your friend tends to overreact, you should sit her down or write her a heartfelt message telling her your predicament.

If your friend is understanding and cares about you, she will absolutely understand that you need to do what is best for you but she is also allowed to feel sad that you won’t be there at her 30th (a good friend will miss you being there after all and her sadness will only reflect the fact she thinks so highly of you). Alternatively, as Danielle said, this holiday could be just what you need and it might be what your friend would have wanted, you having a fun day and being able to celebrate her life wherever you are in the world. It might also be nice to have your friends there for you too, even if you don’t feel up for joining in on much that day, knowing they’re there and that you can jump in on what they’re up to at any point might be nice!

Either way, I think bringing your friend in on your thoughts would be the best thing to do here, and if she goes completely off the handle at you and makes you feel completely rubbish, maybe she’s not a friend you want or need in your life, but that’s a whole other “between me and you” problem! Haha

I think it’s time to set some healthy boundaries in this friendship. Of course, you want to do right by your friend and do your best to help them but not at the detriment of your own mental wellbeing and self-care. After all, a friendship should be a mutually beneficial partnership, you need to feel like you’re being heard and appreciated, too. With everything going on in your friend’s life, I think it’s possible that their anxiety is all-consuming, and perhaps they don’t realise they’re relying on you quite as much as they are.

Reassure them, acknowledge that what they’re going through is difficult and encourage new ways of thinking and viewing certain situations that trigger their anxiety but also, don’t be afraid to recognise it’s too complex for you to cope with all on your own.

Encourage them to get support from a professional so it’s not all on your shoulders. If you’re starting to feel the pressure, there’s absolutely no shame in recognising your limits and joining support groups or reaching out to a mental health professional so you’re getting the help YOU need too.

By setting clear boundaries and taking a minute to acknowledge your own needs, you’re actually making sure you’re better equipped to be emotionally available for them when it counts, without judgement.

Get them to ask you if you have the head-space and energy to take this problem on right now? If the answer is no, gently let them know. Say I’m a bit frazzled right now but you know what, let’s go for a walk at the weekend and talk things out. I’ll be there for you! By prefacing your conversations with this question you instantly know one another’s boundaries and can control the situation. In doing so, you’re actually normalising the conversation around anxiety.

In order for you to be the best possible friend to them, you need to understand your boundaries and ask for what you need. It might be an uncomfortable conversation to have at first but by being open and honest with one another, it will only improve your friendship in the long run. Lareese x

Let me start off by saying you are absolutely not a bad person. I think anyone that is worried they’re a bad person, generally isn’t.
Most people (myself included) could do with putting themselves first sometimes. Something I’ve learnt over the past few years is that absolutely everyone has their own shit going on. So never feel bad for putting yourself first.

Friendships/Relationships can be tough, especially this one sounds a bit one-sided. I’m going to try and explain an analogy my therapist gave me but bear with me, I’m not one for words. So imagine a ‘container’- Everything that causes you anxiety or stress goes in the container. The more full the container gets, the heavier it gets and you’re carrying this around with you. You need ways to relieve this pressure, things you enjoy and help you destress. For me, I play netball, spend time with my little cousins and talk things through with my friends/family. This keeps the container at a steady half full all the time. Make sure you know your taps and when you need to open them. If the container is full up, you’re no good to anyone!

That being said, if in the future you feel like you are in a position to offer your friend support, then I don’t think being ‘bad’ at making someone feel better is a thing. If your friend is coming to you its because you are exactly what they need right now. Whether it’s to take their mind off of it or just sit in silence together, never underestimate the power of just showing someone you care. Ask them how you can help. Nobody knows their brain better than themselves so chance are, instead of stressing on how to help, they’ll tell you exactly.

If everyone could put the time into themselves I think the world would be a much better place. Holly

Hi, your problem really stood out to me as someone who is probably “that friend” at times haha! And there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling that way but to reassure you, your friend is probably painfully aware that their mental health could be affecting those around them.

Your friend must really trust you to share how they are feeling and to expose their vulnerable side with you (a lot of people don’t feel they have that person in their life) and it’s about getting a good balance of “being there as a friend” to your best ability but also you must never feel that you are carrying the burden of someone else’s problems as that can start to weigh very heavy on you and you could end up being the one needing support. If your friend isn’t speaking with a professional, it might be worth suggesting it so they feel they have someone more qualified to help them with their mental health, thus taking some of the pressure off of you. Mental health can feel very consuming, both to the person experiencing it, and to those close to them, but it’s not something that can just be turned off. One thing that might also help, is to ask your friend specifically what you can do to help during a panic attack or an emotional/stressful time if you feel that you are unsure of how to make them feel better, although I’m sure you do make a difference otherwise they wouldn’t keep opening up to you.

My boyfriend of 7 years will have moments of knowing exactly what to do and say but will equally still get frustrated at times, but it definitely took a lot of communication and years of working out what works best for both of us in those situations. It certainly does not make you a bad person or a bad friend, it’s totally normal to feel this way but if you love them and care about them, this is just one of the things that comes hand in hand with this friendship and you can only do your best, but their mental health is not in your hands and you should never feel pressured to do or say a certain thing because of them.

A friendship should be beneficial for both people, and if you don’t feel you’re getting as much out of it as they are, it’s definitely worth having a conversation about!

Relationships… It’s a funny topic at this age, isn’t it? Everyone is either basically married, or single and always ready to mingle. So, as a fellow 21-year-old, who has also never had a boyfriend and doesn’t go on many dates, I feel you! I want to say firstly though, never EVER think that something is wrong with you or that you aren’t enough, you are perfect just as you are. You just haven’t found the right person yet, and that’s okay. When it comes to relationships, you mustn’t compare yourself to others, especially at our age. This is something I have also struggled with in the past, always wondering “why haven’t I met anyone yet?”, “Why don’t any of my ‘talking stages’ progress to anything?” and “Is there something I’m missing, do I need to change?”.

But you have to just trust your own path, trust that there is someone out there for you and that you’ll meet them when the time is right. Another thing you have to do (which I am also not always the best at) is you’ve got to put yourself out there. Get on some dating apps, Hinge I would recommend, just start chatting to some people. Then, when you feel comfortable, go on some dates. If you are already trying this, then don’t be afraid to ask them on a date! At the end of the day, what have you got to lose?

Unfortunately, some people find love easier than others, I have friends who have been in constant relationships since 14… and I just think, how?! Sounds like you have a similar situation with your friends too. But, don’t let their comments upset you either, especially the “you’re kinda intimidating” one. Firstly, I highly doubt you are “intimidating”, you definitely don’t need to change who you are as a person to please others. To me it just sounds like you are slightly standoffish when meeting new people, maybe to do with anxiety or fear around guys especially. I can be exactly the same! So, don’t worry about all that, if a guy is interested, he’ll show interest, it’s just finding the confidence to put yourself out there a little more.

I struggle with anxiety too, and it makes me sometimes question how I’ll come across to others, especially when it comes to dating. It’s held me back in the past, but a friend told me recently not to fear putting myself out there, because if they don’t like you for you then that’s their problem, you just have to be your authentic self!

But never do anything you feel uncomfortable with to please others, do things at your own pace. Start dating when you feel you want to, not when your friends say you should. Being on your own is something you should enjoy! Enjoy your twenties and remember there’s a lot of us single pringles out there. Hope this helps and the best of luck with everything! Darcey x

Hey Anon, there are a few things to unpack here but I think they’re definitely all connected. As time goes on it sounds like you’re becoming more worried about not having a boyfriend/ any male interest but it also sounds like you used to have a good way of framing this (it’ll happen someday, I’ll be fine).

Societal pressures can really weigh down on you and make you think you ‘should’ have done something by a certain point, I feel it all the time like ‘should I own a house by now’, ‘should I be having kids in the next few years’. Suddenly friends and family can start making you feel bad about yourself because you’re living your life a bit differently. I think in this case of your anxiety, it’s flaring up because you’re worried about it as appose to you thinking that your anxiety is WHY you have not had a boyfriend.

My advice would be to start making more friends with guys, this way you’ll probably feel more comfortable with men in the future. It’s also super easy for friendships to turn in to something more and is usually the most organic way for relationships to start. You mentioned not doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable but I urge you to do one thing a month that makes you feel uncomfortable, it sounds scary but more often than not you’ll be so pleased with yourself after the fact, which will do wonders for your self-esteem.

Switching up a few things in life is always a good thing and it could open some doors you didn’t even know existed! Keep smiling anon, the right people are out there for you <3