Between You And Me: Answering Your Problems Part 4

Hey Anon,

I’m really sorry to hear you are facing this negativity from your family. Everyone can be negative at times, it’s usually someone’s own state of mind being projected onto whatever they are being negative towards. However, negative comments that are this hurtful and regular can really affect someone’s self-esteem so it’s no wonder you are feeling mentally drained.

I feel that the most beneficial goal for you would not be to lose weight but to feel happy, healthy and comfortable in your body, no matter what size you are and most importantly – to feel loved by your family unconditionally.

I wonder if it would help to take the focus away from weight and shift it more towards why your family feel the need to be judgemental like this towards you.
If you haven’t already, I would suggest sitting down with them and letting them know how you are feeling. Be honest with them and hopefully they can appreciate your openness and can begin to understand that these comments are hurting you deeply. There’s a lot of strong emotions surrounding this topic for you, so you may find it easier to write them a letter.

I would also hugely recommend confiding in other people around you, friends or anyone you can trust. If my friend was going through this I would really want to be there to support her, and I’m sure your friends feel the same.

I understand how this situation has made a dent in your own self-esteem. I would recommend writing a list of things about yourself that you are proud of and appreciate. For example – proud of the fact that you are at University and that you appreciate that you are in good health. I would then refer back to this list when you start having the negative thoughts to remind yourself how brilliant you are.

Please remember that you are beautiful and loveable. Wishing you the best.

Jade

Hi my love! Thanks so much for writing to us – I’m glad you already feel a huge sense of relief for getting that off your chest. It never serves us to bottle up our emotions and no matter what you’re going through, nothing is too big, small or silly to talk about. That’s exactly why we started this feature in the first place. I’d also like to take this opportunity to say a huge thank you for the incredible work you’re doing in care. I know you’re not having a particularly great time in your role and you’re thinking about a change of career but I just wanted to kick off with a big ol’ thank you – please know that at 8pm on a Thursday, everyone is clapping for you too, and I hope you feel the ripples of that gratitude across Ireland, though it might not be immediately apparent or obvious in your current workplace, sadly. Now onto future YOU. Without running the risk of sounding like a dinosaur, you really are so bloody young. I think there’s a stat somewhere that says we have an average of 5 career changes in our lives or something so, honestly! You’re definitely still in your prime and there’s still every chance to do something truly fulfilling with your life. If writing and social media is what you’re passionate about, I would try and get as much work experience as possible when the lockdown is over. You don’t necessarily need qualifications in social media, marketing or journalism but it certainly helps get your foot in the door and gives you that immediate recognition – would you consider retraining? It might be worth looking at all your options if it’s something you’re serious about and it sounds like you know exactly what kind of job you’d love to be doing, now it’s about making a plan for how you’re going to get there and how you’re going to make it happen. If you’re not sold on the idea of going back to your student days, it might mean picking up a part-time job elsewhere to enable you to complete internships. Perhaps you could start by approaching your local paper or an independent magazine you love reading to see if you can get some writing published or help out with any tasks. Even if it’s not related to social media or writing to begin with. Or reach out to some of your favourite brands or small independent businesses on Instagram to see if they need any help with marketing or social media management. If it’s something you really want, you can make it happen. Be persistent, find out the who’s who of the kinds of titles and businesses you want to work for, follow them on Twitter and get to know the industry inside out. Network, network, network! Then you’ll be able to make an informed decision about whether it’s something you really want to pursue as a new career. It might also be a good idea to start your own blog too. It’s great to be able to show concrete examples of your work to future employers, whether it be for a permanent role or an internship. If you can commit to keeping a blog running and writing for you, it shows that you’re likely to be dedicated to writing for someone else. Change can be a great thing and it certainly sounds like you’re more than ready to make the leap. Keep us posted on your progress – I’m excited to hear all about your next chapter. Lareese x

Hey! Thank you for writing in and sharing with us, sometimes writing your thoughts down can be the first step in resolving an issue you are having. No problem is too big or small, we are all dealing with stuff and no one is more significant than another’s. Thank you too for all you are doing in care in these times, we are all so, so, so thankful.

I’m sorry you are having such a hard time at work and it sounds like you’ve been in a rut about your work for a while now. I truly believe if someone isn’t happy in their career and has a chance to change it and start doing something they love; they should go for it! I certainly think you have the power to do this!

At the age of 22, you have not got to have your career figured out, people swap and change between jobs all the time! You can’t truly discover what you love to do without trialling out different roles, whether that’s in the same industry or in a completely new one.

I think you should consider looking into doing a master’s degree, start looking into courses which are marketing, social media, communications and even business based! All of these would really help you in making those steps towards your dream career. I understand though, that money comes into play and you may be dependent on your current wage to live. You could also look into a part-time master’s course, you go to university normally once or twice a week, it’s usually a two-year course, but means you can continue to work while learning. It’s worth exploring and seeing all options!

Experience is also important, but I know this can be difficult to find, especially in these times. I think once we all start going back to somewhat normality, start applying to any internship which is remotely related to what you want to do. Unfortunately, many are un-paid, but the experience will be so helpful. Personality is a really big winner too and the drive to want to learn, I think employers really value this. Remember, we all have to start somewhere, even if you had a degree in digital media, that doesn’t make you an expert in the field. I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t let your degree or experience put you off going for internships in the area you want to work in. Someone will see potential in you!

The best thing to do is just keep at it. LinkedIn is great for seeking out new job opportunities and internships. Message local businesses and see if they need help with their social media management. You could even start your own blog, write about things you love and inspire you, that shows great dedication to employees too!

Definitely don’t give up though! If it’s something you truly love, go for it. The process will have its ups and downs, like anything in life, but if you want something that badly you can get it! All the best in the future.

Darcey X

Hello love! This is probably the most relatable question I’ve ever had to answer on BYAM as I’m literally going through the same thing. My wedding was 4th September and my fiance and I made the difficult decision over the weekend to cancel/postpone. What I can tell you is that the amount of relief I felt as soon as we’d decided to take matters into our own hands far outweighed the disappointment that I won’t be getting married then as it’s been a constant source of stress and worry over the last few months. Now, down the nitty-gritty, as it were! As I had only booked a venue and hotel I decided to cancel, get my money back and start fresh when all of this blows over, but I would imagine if you had much of the planning done it would be a much better idea to just postpone so you can have the dream wedding you had previously planned. I think you have to weigh up how important the legal marriage part is to you, and if you are desperate, by all means, go ahead and do it legally as soon as you can in the UK. This is something my sister did (before it was legal to marry outdoors) and she completely considers her wedding day as her anniversary and doesn’t think much about the actual legal day they had in a registry office, they did it on her husbands birthday which is something they obviously celebrate every year anyway. I think a lot of people have strong feelings either way about whether their wedding day includes the legal bit or not but personally I couldn’t care less. So if you’re like me it might be really nice to have the legal bit sooner rather than later then you can still go to Italy for your dream wedding, fake ceremony, speeches etc. next year. What I’ve learnt is you deserve to have the wedding of your dreams with the exciting run-up and if that means waiting a little longer it will all be worth it in the end!

Hi there! Firstly can I just virtual hug you right now?! Having gone through the process of planning and having my wedding in the South of France last year I know exactly how much time and energy you will have put into making it perfect for your special day and to have it whipped from under you must be such a hard pill to swallow. You’re definitely making the right choice in acting now as I think it will really take the pressure off and mean that you can go back to enjoying the process ready for next year. It’s a really personal decision but if I was you I think that I would postpone the entire thing and do it as planned in 2021. I think that if you get legally married this year it won’t feel so much like a wedding come August 2021 and you deserve to wear the gorgeous outfit you were planning and have the day you really wanted. As we got married abroad too we had to do the legal bit in the UK but we kept it to just a few weeks apart from the wedding day and only our mums were present so when it came to the big party in the South of France it really felt like the real thing. It’s completely up to you though, there may be other reasons you feel like you want to be legally married sooner rather than later which is completely understandable too. Either way, I hope you have the best wedding when the time comes!

Hello! Firstly, CONGRATULATIONS! Sending you and your hubby the biggest virtual squish.

Okay, so, considering we can’t spend time with family or loved ones at the moment, it means that you need to get a bit more creative with your ideas (although definitely doesn’t mean it can’t be just as fun or impactful)

Idea 1 –
Gather your friends and family (or maybe keep that as two separate calls so nobody suspects anything) for a virtual video “quiz night”, Have you or your husband run the quiz, with multiple different themes. Maybe round 1 could be Movies, Round 2 could be theme tunes etc, and the last round could be either, guess the zoomed-in photo (you collate a series of very zoomed-in photos of random miscellaneous objects where people have to guess what they might be) and include a very zoomed-in photo of a baby scan! Have this as the very last question! Hopefully, nobody realises what the photo is of, and once it zooms out, VOILA!! Another thing you could do instead of the zoomed-in photo round, is simply throw in the question “Who is expecting their first baby in insert month”, confusion will ensue, but I think this one is a bit more obvious, although very quick and to the point haha! You could also do a “Baby Photos” round, collecting photos of celebs and friends and family as babies, and popping the scan photo in as the last one! (don’t forget to screen record if you can, would be a lovely thing to capture and watch back).

Idea 2 –
I quite like the idea for closer friends and family, to put together a few little quarantine “drop off” boxes which you can leave on their doorsteps. Either just lot’s of lovely pampering bits, puzzles, games, sweet treats etc and instead of the puzzle being of something random, it’s a puzzle of “you’re going to be a grandparent” or “we’re having a baby” or even the photo of the scan! They will only realise once they put the puzzle together, which I think would be fun. There are companies online that you can use to print and cut these! Alternatively, if you have a bit more time, you could prepare a little treasure hunt within the box. Maybe they need to open one card first, which might hold a clue leading them to being able to open the second card and eventually being able to open the last card which says you’re pregnant! I quite like the idea of this, as you might be able to sit back in your car and watch them make their way through the cards and see their reaction from afar once you open the last one!

Hope this sparks some creativity and helps you in some way! Please let us know how you eventually decide to tell them, I’d love to know how it went and thanks for trusting us with our ideas, I honestly had way too much fun thinking of these! haha

Ah this is so exciting, congratulations!! I can’t believe you’ve managed to keep the news to yourselves, I don’t think I would be able to hold it in. Your family are going to be so thrilled! I think the best thing is to see peoples reactions, here are a couple of ideas to get you started!

Everyone is doing a family quiz at the moment so you won’t arise any suspicions to suggest putting one together for everyone. You and your partner could take it in turns doing a normal quiz and then on the last round, you could do a “What’s the link” round where every answer has to have some sort of link to babies! EG:
“What was Britney’s first no1 hit” – Hit my BABY one more time
“Who was the pig in the city?’ – BABE
“What 2007 film started Seth Rogan and Katherine Heigl” – Knocked up
“Gaylord Focker is the lead in which comedy movie?” – Meet the parents

Alternatively, if you live close enough you could do a “distance meeting” where you turn up to their front garden with party poppers and a big sign that says we’re having a baby! It will be difficult, not all-embracing for a big hug which you will need to resist but it’s such a special moment that I think it’s really important you can at least see their faces. Obviously, it goes without saying that you should ensure that this is compliant with government guidelines at the time.

I wish you all the best with your pregnancy, do let us know how your family reacts and if possible you should definitely film their reactions!

Hey, thanks for getting in touch!
I’ve never been in this position myself but can see from an outside perspective that communication could possibly be a little stronger here. It’s pretty natural to be nervous about a big step in your life, and although you feel you’re at that stage quite confidently, it sounds like your boyfriend might be a couple of steps behind you. Something as big as purchasing your first home together is a huge deal and something you should definitely both be on the same page about and be as equally excited for. I think the best thing you can do is bring it up whilst talking positively about your future together. Is he excited? Does he add input? See how much he involves himself in the conversation and use this as a time to be really honest with him, as you have been in your email to us. I think it’s pretty normal to have one person in a relationship that feels a little more cautious or apprehensive before a big life change, but it’s about navigating those feelings together and being honest with one another. If you both want the same thing, it will happen. It might just be that you have varying speeds at which you want them to happen, which is also totally fine but he should just be clear about it to you so you can both be on the same page and get excited together rather than how you’re feeling now. Being open and honest with each other will hopefully answer a lot of your questions and ease the uncertainty. Hope it goes well 🙂

Hi Anon!

Although our stories are slightly different, I can definitely relate to this dilemma! I graduated last year and have been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend who lived at home and worked throughout my degree, so I 100% know where you’re coming from in many aspects.

Even though it sounds like you’ve hashed this out previously, I think you really need to sit down again and have an honest conversation about the future and map out a realistic timeline for how the relationship is going to progress. It might be the case that your boyfriend is apprehensive and anxious in taking this big step if it will be his first time living away from home, in which case I think it’s understandable that he’s maybe being slightly over-cautious, and feeling unsure about how to vocalise that. Maybe his lack of savings has been a way of putting off having this kind of conversation in an attempt to stall things? I personally feel a lot more free and happy to move around the country (be it for jobs or internships) over the years, but know that for someone like my boyfriend who’s lived in the same family home all his life, this would understandably feel like a much bigger deal. Having said that, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to be needing a black and white answer, so make the first move in initiating this chat and try and approach it in a way that doesn’t end with him saying what he thinks you want to hear.

Whether it’s just a case of nerves at the prospect of adulting for real or a more underlying commitment issue, it’s best that this comes out sooner rather than later. Go into the chat positively and emphasise the support you can offer emotionally in the big move, and the rest is up to him.

I hope the long term outcome is the happiest for you both, whatever that may be!
Lots of love xxx

Thanks so much for writing to us and sharing this.

I think a spark can come from many things, for example, often people feel very intensely during their first love because it is the first time you are experiencing those crazy feelings. Also, sometimes if a relationship is quite turbulent you can feel a spark with the highs because you compare them to the lows.

In my opinion, sparks don’t necessarily equate to the fundamental building blocks of a good relationship – such a trust, commitment, intimacy, empathy and respect (to name a few). Healthy and mature relationships can often be less intense and more comfortable, less immediate and more sustainable.

Ultimately I would listen to your gut – it sounds like are you have given this a lot of thought, is it possible that there is something larger missing from the relationship?

I wish you both all the best and I hope you work it out
Jade

It depends what you mean by “crazy sparks” and “intense love that can also be very painful” as any relationship where you experience pain means that the joyful moments are made more joyful because of this. Joy you experience with your current partner might feel different if you are missing the pain from your past experiences. I had a very turbulent relationship in my early 20’s and I always explain it like a rollercoaster. The low points felt SO awful and the high points felt SO incredible because the jump from low to high was so immediate and it was such a contrast. In reality, the awful things he did or said meant that any tiny little moment of “love” felt so intense and incredible because the rest of the time it wasn’t. Things that should have been completely normal were exaggerated. If what you mean is that you have felt intense love previously and you were so scared of being hurt, or losing that person then this could be because of the person you were previously, less relationship experience etc etc, there are so many different factors that could have made your past relationship feel different. Unless you are still thinking about that person, you can’t have loved them as intensely as you think 😉
In terms of having that “spark”, I can’t say I believe that Love will always feel like those first few months of passionate, overwhelming emotion that you experience when you first get together with someone. Those feelings are so intense and exciting, and in my experience, it’s not something that continues in the same capacity. Love is ever-changing, and as your relationship grows, and the two of you grow together and change as people, your love also changes. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still have feelings for that person, they just might feel different. I think love is bickering over something menial with your partner one day, and catching them in a certain light the next and thinking “I love you, you’re my person”. As long as you still love your partner, and you’re continuing to grow together and make memories, communicating and listening to one another, compromising and making the effort to make each other happy and keep things exciting, the spark will still be there and it will be stronger than ever before, it just might not feel the same. I’ve been with Alfie for 8 years now, and although there are times I miss that initial excitement of getting to know one another, I wouldn’t trade it for what we have now. Hope that helps!

This is a tricky one as part of me thinks if you are having those worries it might be something in your gut telling you it’s not quite right and you know deep down that you don’t actually love your partner. However it could just be a bit of a fear of the commitment, perhaps this is the first person you have truly thought about being with forever and that’s really scary! Knowing you’ll never have something with anyone else is really quite daunting and could be one of the reasons you are having doubts. If you are generally a bit of a worrier then it might also be worth ignoring as if you worry about a lot of things your love life will be included in that. My relationship is very chilled, and it’s just lovely, sometimes people feel like they need to have a fiery spicy relationship for it to be considered true love but I think that just comes from things we see in movies and television. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that you should listen to how you feel when you are together, are you happy, fulfilled, loved, secure? As for me, those are the feelings I need to be with someone for the rest of my life, and I need those more than fleeting moments of ‘the spark’.

Hi lovely, I’m so glad to hear you’ve been doing well with your ED recovery. That takes a huge amount of strength and courage so first of all, acknowledge how far you’ve come and remember that you have it in you to be kinder to yourself and to come out stronger the other side! It’s not beyond you to get a hold on this. It’s understandable that at a time like this, when everyone’s version of ‘normal’ has changed quite drastically for the foreseeable future, that you’re finding yourself seeking new ways to try and control the circumstances, namely through exercise. It’s great that you’ve recognised that you’re overdoing it and you can read the warning signs. You’re right, there seems to be a real pressure to come out of quarantine better than you went in and that narrative is such a damaging one. There’s an expectation that this is an opportunity to thrive but actually, it’s a global pandemic. If we can find a way to simply survive this, then that should be more than good enough. You were already ENOUGH in every sense of the word before isolation told you otherwise. Exercise can be a brilliant coping mechanism for stress and anxiety but your body also needs quality rest and proper recovery between workouts in order for your mind and your body to reap the benefits of physical exertion. As much as you might feel working out for as long and as hard as possible is serving you and your body, I’m sure you know that’s not the case. It’s important to listen to your body’s aches and pains. It sounds like you’re completely accepting of the fact that it’s now got to a point when your relationship with exercise is venturing into unhealthy territory and that you may need to try limiting your exercise. Have you spoken to anyone in your family about how you’re feeling, at all? If they can see how much you’re exercising they might also be concerned for your mental health and it can be something you try and manage together. That’s not to say you have to stop exercising full stop but since you know you’re overdoing it, now’s the time to quit whilst you’re ahead and recognise those little red flags. You’re able to acknowledge that the reason you’re over-exercising is because you feel an unnecessary amount of pressure to get your life together. Who’s to say you needed to change anything in the first place? Channel that negative, anxious energy into positive behaviour. Whether it’s reading, painting or practising self-care – do more of the things that make you happy and help take your mind off the urge to exercise. You’re not on your own in this, I’m sure there are so many going through the motions and leaning on exercise to get them through such anxious times, particularly as it’s one of the only things we’re allowed to do at the moment but the last thing you want is for this time in lockdown to undo all your hard work and commitment to getting better. You’re stronger than you know. Lots of love, Lareese x

Hi Anon,

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through a bit of a rough time at the moment- a pandemic in itself is a lot to deal, without mental illness related problems too, so I really feel for you! I’m in anorexia recovery too (woo!) so my heart really went out to you when reading this as I’ve definitely been in a similar spot myself. I think it’s a positive first step that you’ve recognised the unhealthy emphasis you’ve placed on exercise in lockdown, as so often with mental illness it’s common to gloss over those negative coping mechanisms, so I think it’s a strong sign of recovery that you’re able to recognise this!

Something I’ve learnt from years of therapy is that a lot of anorexia fuelled tendencies stem from the need for control, which would explain why you’ve placed such emphasis on exercise as a means to control your body/weight. Whilst it might not feel achievable to pick apart the underlying factors without a therapist on hand, there are some small things you can do to manage this yourself in the time it takes for lockdown to pass. One: unfollow or mute those on social media who you recognise are contributing to a feeling of needing to excessively compare yourself, or who are perpetuating an unhealthy relationship with exercising day in and day out. Two: think about the reason you started recovery in the first place and the freedom it brings to your life that you’ll want more than ever post lockdown. Whoever said (and I believe it was a certain Miss Moss) that ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’ has quite frankly never had a Domino’s pizza, hot donuts at the beach, a chocolatey birthday cake, gin and tonics with friends or a McDonald’s breakfast after one too many of said G&Ts the morning after. Don’t let a need for control that stems from something so wildly beyond any of our doing to allow you to take steps backwards in sustaining your recovery.

Exercise in ‘normal’ quantities can be so beneficial to feeling your strongest mentally, so I’d say don’t cut it out altogether, just be mindful of the importance you’re placing upon doing workouts and if they’re with the right end goal in mind. Perhaps find some intuitive exercise influencers to follow on Instagram and switch your workouts to those that don’t include calories, or stick to things like yoga or walking that add a sense of calm to your day, which I’m sure will be a welcome feeling more than ever!

If you’re still struggling to cut down on your exercise regime I’d recommend contacting your GP (a lot of appointments are being done over the phone so this is still possible during quarantine!) and discussing the potential for a CBT referral to help manage these thoughts. I’m sure you’ve gone through therapy in the past, so whether it’s a case of revisiting old techniques or simply having a safe space to vent, it’s at least worth a try in nipping this in the bud.

Sending lots of love and well wishes your way and I hope the rest of lockdown is a little easier on you.

Charlotte
xx