Between You And Me: Answering Your Problems Part 6

Hi Anon!

Just wanted to say first thank you for reaching out to us and asking for some advice, it sounds like you are in a really tricky situation right now and it must be incredibly hard.

I hope I can help in some way as a person who has lived with divorced parents for almost her whole life. My parents split up when I was around two years old, so I’ve never really known any different, but that definitely doesn’t mean navigating their new relationships was any easier.

Dealing with a parents divorce is really difficult, I think being in your early 20’s is probably one of the hardest times to deal with this because you are at an age where you still heavily depend on your parent’s support. So, when your parents find new relationships and have others they need to support, it can be hard to handle at first. I understand too that this must be really difficult finding out about your mums’ sexuality and how she hid it from you all for such a long time. I think you really need to put yourself in her shoes and imagine how hard it must have been for her to keep this a secret for so long and how much harder it would have been to tell you all. However, I don’t blame you for struggling to be in contact with her new partner due to knowing they started a relationship while she was still with your Dad. That must be really hard to deal with. I think in this situation you just need to take your time, let your mum know that you need time to process her new relationship. But, one way to look at it is, is that your mum is finally able to express who she truly is, although hard for you and your sister, she probably is much happier now and hopefully this can be seen as a silver lining from the whole situation.

When it comes to your Dad’s new relationship, feeling like he’s putting his new partner first is totally normal. As much as we hate to admit it as humans, we all can be jealous at times. I have been jealous of both of my parents’ partners at times while growing up and it was never in a selfish way, but sometimes having to share someone you love with someone else can be hard at first. I’m sorry you don’t feel welcome at either of your parent’s houses at the moment, I’m sure if you told them how you felt they would feel incredibly bad they are making you feel this way. I think you should sit them both down together with your sister and express how you feel. I think something else to remember as well is our parents are also only human, and like us, new relationships are exciting and that means they can sometimes get consumed by them.

I think in a few months’ things will start to feel a bit more normal for you all again, but communication in these times is key!

Wishing you all the best for the future,

Darcey

Hello Anon! Your message really resonated with me because I have had those exact thoughts on many an occasion. I am a very nostalgic person, so I often think back to the “good old days” and compare the ease of childhood life with today’s adulting and it really gets me right in the feels. Let me first start by saying, absolutely nobody knows what they’re doing. Some people will have an idea of where they want to be in 5 or 10 years, but until those years start ticking by, you don’t really know what path you’ll take for sure, or even how you’ll get there. At the end of the day, you can only ever do your best. We will all grow and learn as we get older and some things will become easier but some will become harder. We’ll make many mistakes, get things wrong and meet many people that will teach us lessons we take forward for the rest of our lives. One piece of advice I would give you would be; never be afraid to ask for help! If there is something you’re struggling with, someone can help you. My accountant is constantly explaining things to me that I STILL don’t understand, but it’s better to ask! When it comes to milestones, don’t put the pressure on yourself. There will always be people around you doing things at their own pace, but you should never feel rushed or forced into ticking things off just because you feel like you should. Your life is YOURS to make; it’s your own story and you are the one with the pen!

Phewww! What a roller coaster of a read this was! I’m 22 and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years so I found parts of your story v relatable, but feel so sad for you that the experience has been tainted in what sounds like an otherwise near perfect relationship.

It sounds like both yourself and your boyfriend have tried so hard with her, and I don’t think she appreciates one bit the strain this has put on you guys, nor how mature you are being. Is there anyone else on your boyfriend’s side of the family that you could confide in and ask to help her understand your struggles, without her getting angry or upset? Perhaps if she has siblings or a partner that could help? Whilst this issue is one so personal to the relationship, perhaps she would be more willing to listen if it was coming from someone she couldn’t lash out at or become upset by.

I do think as you continue to get older this issue will ultimately have to change, whether she likes it or not, as eventually you will likely move in together and she will have less control over events like birthdays and your weekends and evenings. As much as it’s difficult for your boyfriend to step in, I really think it’s his place to try and resolve the issue and allow you to move forward- it’s not fair that you feel stifled and that the relationship is suffering, and for things to get better, a conversation needs to be had. If you’d feel comfortable, I wonder if it would be possible for you to all sit down together and discuss it? I know you mentioned she will get upset with your boyfriend, but would the atmosphere and dynamic be different if you were present? If that feels like too big of a step for now, perhaps a letter or text explaining how you feel would allow you to get your worries and upset across without the explosives that could spark from being face to face.

Ultimately she is being incredibly selfish, and no parent should ever cause such upset in their children’s lives, whether they feel a sense of sadness at them growing up or not. This is not an issue that you or your boyfriend have created, and I would hate for her actions to make you question your plans and future together. Stay strong and don’t back down- you will feel so regretful and cheated if this tension causes a divide with you and your boyfriend, and I guarantee the struggles you’re facing now will be far outweighed by the future happiness you’re destined for together.

Stand your ground and don’t hold back in sharing how you’re feeling. Communication is everything and I have hope that one day she will realise the error of her ways.

Best of luck!
Charlotte x

Oh wow, this such a frustrating issue, I’m so annoyed for you just by reading this! People having tensions with in-laws is super common and part of joining a new family means having to compromise on certain things but it seems like if you keep letting her get away with being so spoilt it will only get worse. If someone came to me with this issue with a new partner I’d tell them to nip it in the bud quickly and make sure she knows that’s not how it’s going to roll with you. But as you’ve been in the relationship so long and since it started when you were much younger it’s going to be hard to get her to change her ways. Generally speaking, I’d do as best as you can to work around the little annoyances here and there and focus on those bigger days like birthdays and Christmas. Maybe book a trip away for his birthday, or let her know that you’ll be doing X on the day and she’s more than welcome to see him after. I’d also put your foot down if she’s making you change our plans constantly, maybe just giving your partner the confidence to stand up to his mum and work on her together instead of it just being on him. It may take a bit of time but if you keep putting up the fight where you can I’m sure she’ll start to realise her little boy is a full-grown man!

Hi love!

First of all, I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a bit of a tough time at the moment- it can be hard enough battling mental illness without throwing physical symptoms into the mix too so I really feel for you. As someone who also suffers with anxiety, I know how hard it can be when your body acts in a way that’s outside your control- it feels like a real betrayal, especially when you’re doing your best to overcome the struggles anxiety throws at you.

I think there are a couple of ways to tackle this situation and hopefully have you feeling more like yourself again. Firstly, the mental side of things. I wonder if you’re still in therapy or have anyone in your life that you can openly speak to both about anxiety and the general day to day worries we all battle? Therapy works differently for everyone, but I think you’d be doing yourself a disservice if you didn’t put your mental health first and try to get the root of the issue. Therapy isn’t a quick fix by any means, but being able to talk things out with someone impartial might be a step in the right direction to managing your anxiety! The first session always seems scary, but in my experience the further you get into the experience, the more you wish you’d started sooner!

In the interim, there are a few things you could do to hopefully have you feeling a bit more confident and ‘you’, which I have no doubt will make the biggest of differences! Perhaps buy some cute hairbands, master a couple of hairstyles you know look 10/10 or maybe even consider cutting/styling your hair differently to help you feel more comfortable with slightly thinner hair. As someone who also has really thin hair, as well as having lost some due to a bleaching disaster (don’t ask haha!), I completely understand how much hair contributes to confidence and how down it can make you feel. Whilst it’s easier said than done, try and embrace this period and know things can only get better from here, and remind yourself that this is not permanent. You will not be in this position forever and one day you will look back and be so proud of how you handled things.

I hope you’re able to find a way to live the best life possible with anxiety and know that you can still thrive and be happy no matter your hair worries or not.

Lots of love!
Charlotte

Hi there!

I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time; anxiety can be so consuming and especially when you have physical symptoms that make you feel even more out of control of your own body.

One thing I do want to say first though, is that the fact you are addressing your anxiety and having therapy is an amazing step in the right direction. So, I think that you are stronger than you think you are. I started therapy when I was 17 too due to terrible stress anxiety while doing my A-Levels, I am now 22 and although I can’t say that anxiety goes away, it can get better and you learn coping mechanisms to deal with it.

Now onto the physical symptoms. I too lose hair from anxiety, specifically my eyebrows. I’ve never noticed any from my hair so by no means am I comparing my eyebrows to you losing hair from your head, but I do understand how unsettling it feels. In my final year at university, I lost mostly all my eyebrows, it happened so suddenly too it was a massive shock. I would remove my eyebrow makeup and there would be 10-20 eyebrow hairs on the cotton pad, and I would feel sick to my stomach. I went through a stage of permanently having eyebrow makeup on and not removing it, so I didn’t have to see the hair fall out. I researched EVERYTHING, tried castor oil and all sorts. But what I learnt in the end, is it’s just something you can’t control. If your hair is going to fall out, it will and as unsettling that is to hear, it’s something you have to come to terms with because the mindset is everything.

Trust me, I struggled at first and didn’t want to accept hair loss was now one of the many physical symptoms I experienced from anxiety (I get the shakes, pins and needles, heart palpitations, you name it, I’ve got it!). Now I know losing it from your head must feel really scary, but I think discussing this with your therapist would be really great. One thing that I really had to face was that worrying about my hair falling out, was making my hair fall out more from the sheer anxiety it gave me. So, I had to really get myself into the mindset of “it’s only hair, it will grow back, my eyebrows don’t define me”, but of course that didn’t happen overnight.

Castor oil is really great for helping hair growth, I use it on my eyebrows, and it has really encouraged some extra hair growth. You can buy massive bottles of it from most health shops like Holland & Barrett etc. This would be worth a shot! Trying out different hairstyles too that makes you feel more confident is a good way to approach the situation as well. But I think most importantly, it’s finding a way to accept what is happening, but not letting it consume you. Things will get better and this symptom won’t last forever.

Sending you a lot of love, Darcey X

Hello lovely! This is such an important and relevant conversation to be having, so thank you for writing to us. I’m sure lots of people are going through the same thing right now as more and more of us are engaging in these conversations with friends, colleagues and family members for the first time. Turns out, it doesn’t take a lot to upset a white person when talking about racism and at times, it seems like an impossible conversation to have but your willingness to work through it and to interrogate white privilege and dismantle white fragility is the kind of progress we need. Given the subject matter, it’s bound to be a bumpy old road but I think being prepared to try and talk and get it wrong is a great place to start. I think tone, respect and trust can make or break this situation. If the other person feels that this is largely a one-way conversation about telling them they’re wrong or a bad person, immediately they’ll have their back up and the opportunity for having that honest convo quickly veers into defensiveness and denial. Telling someone they’re uneducated or wrong is a sure-fire way to shut down the conversation, so try reframing your arguments, asking open-ended questions or hitting them with a fact you read recently instead, to move the discussion forward. People find it very hard to argue with facts and figures, so definitely keep reading and informing yourself further, so you can be as confident as possible when approaching the topic. Consider what are the person is most likely to respond to and tailor your conversation accordingly and if the conversation really isn’t productive and you’re fighting a losing battle, it’s more than ok for you to say, let’s revisit this another time when they’ve done the necessary work to educate themselves. A lot of racism comes from a lack of understanding and unfortunately, not everyone is open to having their opinions scrutinised, in that case, set some boundaries and make it clear to them that it’s not ok for them to speak that way in your presence. Quite often situations like this can be illuminating, and you might find that some people on your Facebook or Instagram really let you down. There’s no real remedy for that blow but I guess, just knowing that their morals no longer align with yours is a pretty good reason to let go of old friendships that will no longer serve you or mirror your compassion. For a lot of families and close circles, this is an entirely new conversation and it’s going to take some time for everyone to work through and navigate. The more we make conversations about racism a regular practice in our households and workplaces, the more comfortable we all get with talking about it, pulling up and calling it out for what it is. Keep having the conversation. Lots of love, Lareese xx

Hey Anon, thank you so much for writing in with this, firstly I think you should know you are not alone! Thoughts about not doing enough or not being enough are so common and unfortunately haunt you at any age. It could be a combination of the tv and movies you consume, as well as social media constantly showing us everyone’s ‘best bits’! But rest assured they are fleeting as when you discover what makes you truly happy that is what you need to hold on to. I know you are probably sick of people telling you that you’re so young but you really have so much excitement in front of you and you clearly have the ambition to make something of your self and your life. I’d start by leaning into things that bring you joy, try and find something your passionate about as this is such a good way to make new friends. Maybe think about getting a part-time job, this is another great way to meet new people and start getting those real-life experiences you are craving. Don’t put too much stock in what you think other people are doing, chances are they feel a lot more like you!

Hello!

I have literally never read anything SO relatable in my life. I first started having worries like this when I was about to turn 18, and have struggled with them for the past few years, so I completely understand where you’re coming from. I always felt a sense of anxiety at ‘missing out’ on life’s fun and freedom in my youth, especially whilst seeing friends travelling the world, at festivals or house parties – situations I so wanted to be a part of but was always too anxious to go through with. So first things first, I hope it’s a comfort for you to know that so many others have and will feel this same despair and frustration, but you can and will be able to challenge those feelings, I promise.

I finally was able to push myself to do the things I had been envious of for so long when I realised the repercussions of not making plans and living life to the full was far worse and harder to comprehend than the momentary anxiety in the run-up to the event in question. FOMO can feel so all-consuming, especially when you have that sense of being on the outside looking in, but I promise all is not lost and the small portion of the time you feel has been ‘wasted’ will be far outweighed by the memories you are destined to make in the future. I struggle with the idea of turning 23 this year and feeling like I’ve wasted too much time, but the truth is, we’re both so young! You are realising and accepting these worries and anxieties at such an early stage, and you have the rest of your life ahead of you to make up for lost time and live your ‘best life’, whatever that means to you.

There is no time limit on having fun. We put so much pressure on doing everything under the sun in our twenties, but the truth is you have endless time and opportunities for good news and plans to come your way. YOU have the power to build a happier future, even if right now it feels impossible. Confide in friends and family and allow them to coax you out of habits that might mean you’re missing out on opportunities you desperately want, and challenge your decisions and if they’re putting you on the right path to achieving all that you want. Make a bucket list and vision board and be open and willing to go out and chase those things- the discomfort of momentary anxiety is so menial compared to the happiness that can come from challenging these behaviours.

And most of all, don’t put pressure on yourself. You are young. SO young. You have a whole life ahead of you and endless potential. I can’t wait to see how you take on 2021 and the opportunities to live your version of your best life.

Lots of love, Charlotte xxx

I feel like so many people will be sharing the same anxiety about returning to a ‘normal’ office environment after working from home for so long. It sounds like you’re putting a hell of a lot of pressure on yourself to be sociable or to push yourself in ways that you’re not necessarily comfortable with nor ready for. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with taking things at your own pace, a day at a time. Once you’re back in the office, you’ll get used to the dynamic again and I’m sure your confidence will get there but until then, there’s no need to rush it and beat yourself up for having a head-down kinda day. Once you’re back sharing your office space again, you’ll soon find your feet. Channel your nervousness into excitement to get to know these people again and use that nervous energy to help fuel conversation. It might be too daunting to lead a conversation at first, so why not really listen to the chats happening around you (even if it’s just meaningless small talk) and use that as a way to engage and build your confidence, either by chipping in with your experiences and stories, or by asking questions. The good thing about heading back to the office is that you immediately have common ground, you’ve all been working from home, dealing with lockdown and trying to navigate a global pandemic so you’ll have a lot of similar experiences to share and bond over. Also, you know, you’re allowed to be a quiet person if that’s who you are – you don’t have to try and command the room with hilarious anecdotes and ground-breaking conversations if that’s not who you are. Now that we’re allowed to hang out in pubs, you can always suggest team drinks too to get to know your colleagues outside of work and in turn, they can get to learn about you. Treat it like a date scenario and have some questions and answers lined up so if you get too nervous you have something to fall back on if there’s any gaps in conversation. Good luck and don’t overthink it, just be your awesome self! There’s no need to put pressure on yourself to be the office chatterbox if that’s not what comes naturally to you but at the same time, I wouldn’t want your social anxiety to overwhelm you to the point that it denies you of conversations you want to have. Let us know how you get on and be kind to yourself – take it slow and build your confidence overtime. You can do this! Lots of love, Lareese xx

Hello! Thanks for your message. I’ve seen a lot of people feeling a very similar way to how you’re feeling and wondering how life will return to “normal” once they’re back in the office. I’m sure your colleagues will also be a little unsure about life back within a physical working environment too and it will take a while for everyone to ease back in. If your back-to-the-office date is looming, I should imagine there will still be certain precautions laid out in terms of staggered start/lunchtimes or a new seating plan that allows you and your colleagues to sit further apart (depending on your line of work of course) which might also mean the “going back to how it was before” won’t really be a reality for a while. This ease in of the workspace might also give you the confidence to ease yourself back in too. It sounds as though you are naturally a more reserved person and that is absolutely fine, you shouldn’t have to change the way you are to feel that you fit in with others. If you want to come of your shell more however, it’s good to take small steps to grow your confidence over time. Maybe just start with small talk, or gain common ground by speaking to each other about the last 4 months and the change in office life! As I said previously, I wouldn’t be surprised if other members of the team are a bit apprehensive too. Take it one day at a time, one small step at a time and also feel okay in yourself that you don’t HAVE to be super chatty at all times! You’re all there to work anyway 😉

Ooo I love this question, the prospect of a blossoming romance is always exciting to me. I’m not quite sure how old you are so it’s a little trickier to give advice but I can tell you that one of my friends started seeing her best friends brother when she was 15 and they got married last year! I also met my fiancee through my sister as he was friends with her first. Basically, siblings shouldn’t get in the way of two people who want to start seeing each other, and even if it makes them a little uncomfortable at first, they usually get over it pretty quickly! As for actually securing the date I’d go slow and easy and work your way into it, maybe interact with him more on social media, engage with him when you see him in person, flirt a little. You’ll soon know if you’re getting the good vibes back and then one of you will just have to be brave and ask the other out. Don’t worry too much about your brother, if it feels right he’ll come around, in the end, a la Ross with Chandler and Monica!