Let’s Talk about Trying to Get Pregnant: Four Women Share Their TTC Journey

We spend the best part of our youth doing all we can to avoid getting pregnant but when you’re ready to start a family, it’s not always as simple as coming off the pill & going for it at the right time of the month. It can be one unexpected emotional rollercoaster and a whole lot of effort.

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to how long it takes to conceive, and everyone’s fertility journey is different.

It is estimated that one in seven couples may have difficulty conceiving. Whether it’s PCOS, low sperm count, endometriosis or unexplained infertility, the struggles of trying to conceive are still rarely spoken about and whilst there can be a whole host of reasons why couples may choose to keep their experience private, knowing what to expect can help debunk preconceived ideas of TTC and help others feel less isolated in the process.

After all, we are the ones peeing on eye-wateringly expensive sticks and feeling completely belittled when our period shows up uninvited, we should at least be able to talk about it.

We spoke to four women willing to share their TTC stories and offer some first-hand advice and reassurance for anyone trying to conceive.

Maddie Barsch – @maddiechester

Our very own Maddie, Talent Director at Gleam Futures is currently expecting.

Did you have any preconceived ideas of what the TTC experience would be like based on other people’s stories / things you’d heard?

To be completely honest I was quite pessimistic about the whole thing which is quite unlike me as a personality trait, I just really didn’t think it would be easy for us. I had previously been told by a gynaecologist that I have Polycystic Ovaries (PCO) and it also took me about 2 years to get my period back after coming off the contraceptive pill about 5+ years ago. Those things combined with me being in my 30s (god forbid) I thought meant that it wouldn’t be that straightforward. I’ve also had quite a few people close to me that have really struggled so I was aware that the journey could be a long one.

There’s an assumption that falling pregnant happens pretty quickly, possibly because the majority of people trying to conceive are doing so privately and will only share the news if they become pregnant. How long did it take for you to fall pregnant / how long were you trying to conceive?

Rather miraculously we got pregnant very quickly. We were on our second month of trying when that second line popped up, I was completely shocked and was not expecting it to happen that fast whatsoever.

Did you have any useful tools / apps to help plan your pregnancy and connect with your body?

Did you make any lifestyle changes to help improve your chances of getting pregnant?

I took baby making quite seriously and didn’t go into it with a “let’s see what happens” attitude at all. If there was anything I could do to speed the process along I was going to try. Disclaimer, I have no idea if any of these things would have made ANY difference had I not done them but they obviously didn’t hurt. I cut out caffeine and alcohol, started taking folic acid supplements, included maca powder in my morning smoothies, drank raspberry leaf tea during the first half of my cycle and tried to stay as active as possible.

Trying to conceive can be a stressful time emotionally, do you have any pointers for trying to stay positive and relaxed when you’re feeling discouraged?

In all honesty I don’t feel like I have the right to give advice here, I know friends who really had such a difficult time trying to conceive and I saw how frustrating and hard that was for them. I asked one of my good friends who spent over a year trying what she would say and her top tip for when you feel at a low point is to plan a trip. A little getaway (even if that’s just to a hotel an hour from home!) somewhere to just enjoy being with your partner and take your mind off the routine that can become incredibly unromantic.

The commitment to love-making can be a lot and sex can become a bit of a ‘task’ when you’re trying to get pregnant, how did you deal with that / what advice do you have for anyone struggling to connect with their partner and keep things fun?

It definitely feels a bit more routine than normal when you know that there’s a human you’re trying to create out of all the sex and also because the timings of it are so important to get right which normally you would never even consider. On the subject of timings, there’s only really a week window where it’s vital that you’re getting the sperm where it needs to go so once you’ve worked out your ovulation patterns it turns out you don’t need to be having sex all day every day to make a baby. I think knowing this really took the pressure off a bit and it meant that when it was my fertile days we made extra effort to have date nights and enjoy spending time together so it didn’t feel too routine.

One thing you wish you knew at the start of your TTC that you know now…

If I had a crystal ball that could have shown me that we would get pregnant quite quickly I would love to go back and tell myself to worry less and be more chill about it. I was so convinced that it was going to be really hard for me, so I became incredibly clued up on everything to do with TTC. In reality I could probably have relaxed more and just let nature do its thing. I think that’s what’s quite daunting about the whole thing, you have no idea what your journey is going to be like until you start to try.

What NOT to say to someone TTC? (how can friends check in with you without asking the obvious?)

How do you deal with a friend’s happy baby news if it hasn’t happened for you, yet?

This must be so difficult. I would of course be so thrilled for my friend and then privately I would probably pour a very large glass of wine, let myself cry and be sad, confide in my closest and surround myself with people and things that bring my life joy (like my dog). It breaks my heart that some people struggle so much and often are struggling in silence as infertility and fertility problems are still something that don’t get talked about enough. I really loved Desi Perkin’s YouTube series where she was so open and honest about her fertility journey. I think a lot of couples would really relate to their story.

Carys Whittaker – @busybee.carys

Carys is a content creator, YouTuber, ray of sunshine, and she’s currently expecting.

Did you have any preconceived ideas of what the TTC experience would be like based on other people’s stories / things you’d heard?

There’s an assumption that falling pregnant happens pretty quickly, possibly because the majority of people trying to conceive are doing so privately and will only share the news if they become pregnant. How long did it take for you to fall pregnant / how long were you trying to conceive?

It took us 5 months to conceive. I definitely agree that it feels like everyone just ‘falls pregnant’ straight away based on the fact there’s not a very open conversation around TTC. I think there is a lot of shame and embarrassment attached to TTC and how long it takes, which sucks. The more people that can share their stories and normalise the conversation around it, the less of a struggle it would be for a lot of people.

Did you have any useful tools / apps to help plan your pregnancy and connect with your body?

I used the clear blue digital ovulation monitor and sticks to track my ovulation days. I also used the Femometer app which is synced up to a BBT (basal body temperature) thermometer. This tracks your BBT and shows you when exactly you ovulated, and how your temperature then responds after ovulation which can be a sign of pregnancy. I think the ovulation sticks are great for understanding more about your body and your cycle but I found the thermometer to be a negative for me.

I become obsessed with the app and analysing my temperature chart when it ended up being no help and just made me feel more anxious about the whole process. The month I fell pregnant was actually the month we did a ‘month off’ any ovulation tracking or temperature tracking. I did still know a lot about my body and cycle from all the tracking I had done previously so I don’t regret doing it but I think a month off was needed for us.

Did you make any lifestyle changes to help improve your chances of getting pregnant?

Going from your normality to suddenly NO alcohol, a new diet, overthinking everything you eat, taking your temperature every morning and peeing on your ovulation sticks, it almost takes over your whole day! I eventually decided to start living as ‘normally’ as possible and that helped me so much mentally. You have to keep living your life alongside TTC because otherwise, it can so easily consume every inch of you!!

Trying to conceive can be a stressful time emotionally, do you have any pointers for trying to stay positive and relaxed when you’re feeling discouraged?

I think I the first good thing to remember is that so many women are in the same boat as you and feeling exactly the same way. It’s Bloomin’ HARD!! For me, half the struggle was feeling alone and feeling guilty about struggling. Finding someone to talk to and open up to about how you’re feeling can help so much. I know it can be really hard to find the right people to talk too, if you’re struggling with that you could always look up TTC communities/forums online and see if that works for you. However you’re feeling, you’re not alone.

The commitment to love-making can be a lot and sex can become a bit of a ‘task’ when you’re trying to get pregnant, how did you deal with that / what advice do you have for anyone struggling to connect with their partner and keep things fun?

It’s so easy to feel bad when Sex becomes less enjoyable and more of a ‘task’ but it’s good to remind yourself, that’s totally normal! Most couples will go through that when TTC, we certainly did! Things I found helpful were:

• Accepting that planning sex is okay when TTC. It doesn’t make you ‘unsexy’ or ‘less in love’ saying things like “we haven’t had sex yet today, maybe we should” is okay, it’s just being busy and being human!
• Talking to each other and communicating about how you’re feeling and how you could spice things up for each other.
• Take a month to step back and have sex less. This can be REALLY hard because you immediately think you’ll have less chance of conceiving but I think quality over quantity is important to try now and then!

One thing you wish you knew at the start of your TTC that you know now…
That certain lubricant brands can kill sperm!!! So if you use lubricant get a TTC friendly one like ‘preseed’.

What NOT to say to someone TTC?

Ask them how they’re doing and how TTC is going for them. Let them open up to you as much as they feel comfortable with. Try to create an understanding environment where they feel they can say things they might be embarrassed about or nervous to talk about. Refrain from phrases like ‘oh it will happen’ ‘don’t worry about it’ ‘the more you worry the less likely it is to happen’ ‘it always happens when you don’t want it too’ ‘stop worrying’.

How do you deal with a friend’s happy baby news if it hasn’t happened for you, yet?

Firstly, it’s never going to be easy so it’s a good start to be kind to yourself and know that it may hurt. Just because it hurts, it doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you human.

I believe that the emotions you put out into the universe and give to others are the emotions that fill up your soul and mould you as a person. I try my hardest to see the good in situations and people and pour out as much kindness and love as I possibly can to myself and others… that being said, sometimes it’s just really hard and that’s okay too.

Ruth Crilly – @ModelRecomends

Ruth has two children and is the founder of The Night Feed app which connects and entertains new mums during the long, sleepless nights with a new baby! Download on the App Store or Google Play.

Did you have any preconceived ideas of what the TTC experience would be like based on other people’s stories/things you’d heard?

Do you know, it sounds terrible to say it, now, but it just never crossed my mind that I would have any problems. I assumed it would happen quickly and without incident; I think then when I started TTC, social media and sharing personal experiences hadn’t really kicked off online and so I had very few stories to refer to. I had obviously had friends who had struggled or had bad times, but it wasn’t really talked about that openly.

There’s an assumption that falling pregnant happens pretty quickly, possibly because the majority of people trying to conceive are doing so privately and will only share the news if they become pregnant. How long did it take for you to fall pregnant / how long were you trying to conceive?

Did you have any useful tools/apps to help plan your pregnancy and connect with your body?

I would absolutely track ovulation, but track it accurately. I remember my Mum saying to me for years, “I used to ovulate on day 9!” and me going “blah blah ok, yeah right” and I never used to start my ovulation sticks until about day 10 or 11 because I didn’t want to waste them! But I must have been completely missing my window every month for YEARS. I worked out that I conceived my daughter on day 9. Obviously, I haven’t told my Mum this because I hate being wrong. Haha. It’s actually not that funny really because it was YEARS of heartbreak. I wouldn’t blame the whole thing on ovulation miscalculation because we would try all through the month, not just “on the right days” but still. Get a tracker, get the monitor thing with the sticks, do it all!

Did you make any lifestyle changes to help improve your chances of getting pregnant?

I went to see an amazing Chinese Medicine Practitioner and he sat and quizzed me for ages about obvious and obscure parts of my personality and lifestyle. It opened my eyes to many bits of behaviour that were probably not helping in the whole TTC journey. I started taking Vitamin D, getting outside more, eating a better diet and I virtually stopped drinking and I also went for regular acupuncture sessions with him. I was pregnant within about six months of making the changes. I was actually due to go for my first IVF consultation when I found out I was pregnant!

Trying to conceive can be a stressful time emotionally, do you have any pointers for trying to stay positive and relaxed when you’re feeling discouraged?

Yes, I think that seeking help as soon as you can is really important for positivity, once you get past the time-frame that the experts usually set as being “normal” for getting pregnant. It’s just a massive weight off when you can share your worries and once the tests are booked it feels as though you’re actively doing something to help things along. I think that this is enormously beneficial. I’d also say that although I did change my lifestyle, you don’t want to stress yourself out and live like a saint for the whole time you’re trying – you can become obsessed with “getting things just right” but in the end, I think we conceived when we were blind drunk at a wine-tasting evening on holiday in Greece.

The commitment to love-making can be a lot and sex can become a bit of a ‘task’ when you’re trying to get pregnant, how did you deal with that / what advice do you have for anyone struggling to connect with their partner and keep things fun?

Oh, it just really wasn’t fun six years down the line. Nothing could have made it fun. We just sort of nodded at one another in a silent assent. “You may begin.”

One thing you wish you knew at the start of your TTC that you know now…

What NOT to say to someone TTC? 

I think pretty much any question about it gets your back up and makes you feel inadequate and embarrassed, so it would be better for them to just ask how someone is generally and let them take the lead, I think. Saying that I used to LOVE talking about it with other people who were trying to TTC and not having a great time, because it used to make me feel less alone, so if you have anecdotal material that someone will relate to then that can be a good ice breaker. It’s a really tricky one. 

How do you deal with a friend’s happy baby news if it hasn’t happened for you, yet?

I don’t think that you ever do deal with it very well if I’m honest. Sorry, some of these answers aren’t ideal but I remember how raw it was when I heard people’s news – I was never jealous, per se, and I was always absolutely thrilled for them, but it would always throw up a “why me!” sense of self-pity and so I just used to embrace it and wallow for a while. I don’t think we need to be positive all the time – sometimes it’s OK to just feel incredibly hard done by.

Chaneen Saliee – @chaneensaliee

Chaneen is a content creator, founder of @wearetheempowered – Law of attraction manifestation coaching and @chicanddiscreet – affordable breastfeeding clothing.

Did you have any preconceived ideas of what the TTC experience would be like based on other people’s stories/things you’d heard?

I did have some preconceived ideas of what the trying to conceive experience would be like. I thought it would be very difficult and I thought potentially I wouldn’t be able to have children. That was a really hard reality or something for me to accept quite early on in my life. I didn’t plan then to have children because I thought I didn’t want the disappointment of trying and potentially facing disappointment over and over.

I was told at about 16 that because I had used the IUD I have likely ruined my chances of ever getting pregnant because ‘that’s the contraception they only give to women who have already had children and do not want anymore.’ This was told to me by a family friend who was a trained nurse and so I took her at her word and live with that belief for almost 10 years.

There’s an assumption that falling pregnant happens pretty quickly, possibly because the majority of people trying to conceive are doing so privately and will only share the news if they become pregnant. How long did it take for you to fall pregnant / how long were you trying to conceive?

I do think that the idea of trying to conceive is skewed and the experience is had often in private because of this heartbreak and this fear of it never happening and so we think that it is quite easy for women to fall pregnant and evidence of this is in the way that people often ask the question, “so when are you having a baby?” For women who are trying to conceive or who think they may have no chances of doing so, it is painful to hear this and then act as if it’s just a casual conversation, when really it dredges up so much pain, doubt and a heavy feeling of loss or of failure. 

Did you make any lifestyle changes to help improve your chances of getting pregnant?

I will say that while I never made any lifestyle changes to improve my chances of getting pregnant because I never tried to get pregnant I did make lifestyle changes once I knew that I was pregnant because I wanted to ensure that I could remain pregnant. It was always at the back of my mind the fear I had of never being able to get pregnant and then being pregnant and not knowing if I’m going to be able to maintain that pregnancy. 

Some of the things that I did to change my lifestyle really was to just rest more I set massive boundaries and I did not let anybody cross them and I didn’t push them aside for any reason. So my most important one I would say was resting and removing all stress if I needed to rest I would rest. At the time I was training to be a teacher which was a very heavy responsibility but I made the decision to put my career potentially on hold, on the back burner or maybe even give it up entirely so that I could ensure that I would be able to maintain my pregnancy. That was huge because I’d worked so hard to get to that point and all I felt I had to hold onto was my career and my love of travel but maintaining my pregnancy was far more important. 

Trying to conceive can be a stressful time emotionally, do you have any pointers for trying to stay positive and relaxed when you’re feeling discouraged?

How do you deal with a friend’s happy baby news if it hasn’t happened for you, yet?

Try to have the outlook or perspective that their happy baby news is a sign that it is possible for you too – our journeys are all very different.