Between You And Me: Answering Your Problems Part 10

Hi there and thanks for sending in your dilemma. This certainly sounds frustrating and I’m sure there are many people that will relate to this situation, in particular during the current pandemic where families have bubbled together who ordinarily wouldn’t live in quite such close proximity. I think the priority is you and your partner need to get on the same page and you need to articulate what it is that’s bothering you exactly by her behaviour. I know it can be a very sensitive topic so probably best to tread a bit carefully at first and explain how the arguments make you feel. I think once you feel like you and your partner are a team together and you have his full support, that will immediately make expressing how you feel to your mother in law much easier. If you feel like speaking to her directly isn’t an option for whatever reason, then your husband should have an honest conversation with his mum in the first instance. That conversation should very much position your feelings about how she’s behaving to be mutual and that you both feel like setting some boundaries would really help improve all of your relationships. I really hope that helps and things improve soon! Take care, Maddie x

Hello lovely human,

Thanks so much for sending this question in, and I’m sorry you’re having a bit of a hard time!

Well done for already confiding in your mum that you aren’t religious, I can imagine that was hard when it sounds like she has quite strong beliefs. Try to not overthink her having gifted you a bible, it’s something she’s passionate about so only right that she wants someone she loves to be included in this too. Part of her is probably hoping you’ll change your mind. I would just give her a gentle reminder if she brings it up again and say you’re taking a step back. And maybe with regards to the limited edition bible, phrase it like because you’re taking a step back, there might be someone that could make better use of it because it’s so special.
What I will say though, is that you can still be a member of the LGBTQ+ community and have faith. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.

And coming out is NEVER easy and I completely understand how it feels. I think more often than not, you’ll be surprised how people will react. People that love you will support you no matter what, even if it might be hard for them to get their head around at first. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, chat to her when you feel comfortable there’s literally no rush. There will definitely be rough patches but it all works out in the end, I am a walking talking version of that, and once it’s done, you will feel this huge weight off your shoulders. Maybe ask your dad for advice on how to tell your mum, he sounds like a great guy! And even if they aren’t together anymore he’ll have some good insight, parents know everything.

Moral of the story is, honesty is always the best policy.

Sending you lots of love and a big cuddle,

Holly xx

Hello love!
So sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. I’m so close to my parents and hate how it feels when our relationship isn’t 100% so I can only imagine how terrible it feels. I have not had the most religious upbringing and would probably label myself as an atheist, I really have no interest in it and would probably also shove a bible in the corner of my room. Your mum is probably in denial about how you feel about your Christianity and is hoping (and praying ha) that it’s just a phase and you’ll come back around, annoying but I wouldn’t read too much into it in terms of wanting to come out.

I think it’s fantastic that your dad is on your side and you can be open and honest with him. I agree with Holly that you could ask him to help you with coming out to your mum. At the moment you are worrying so much about what she’ll do. Try not to stress about it because I’m sure she loves you and it will work out. Remember you only need to come out when you’re ready to and don’t feel like you need to rush it. Good luck! x

Hi anon!

I want to put it out there firstly that I am no professional or any kind of sex therapist so my advice is basically what I would say to a friend who was facing a similar issue to you. But, I would 100% recommend looking into some sort of sex and relationship therapist if this is something you would feel comfortable doing and if it is financially possible as I appreciate starting therapy can be expensive and isn’t always accessible.

Okay, let’s get into it! I just want to start off by saying that I can see how frustrating this must be for you, but also how scary it must be too that something that used to come so naturally between you both now induces panic attacks. To me, it seems that him initially leaving you without any warning was really traumatic and maybe there is still some unresolved trauma that is therefore stopping you from wanting to be intimate with him. I also think the fear of him leaving you again, whether that be due to your sex life or not is really affecting you too.

I want to put this out here that if he leaves you because of the problems you are facing with sex at the moment, instead of helping you through it or trying to resolve it together through therapy etc, then I really think you are probably better off. I think he really needs to take some sort of accountability as it seems your fear of sex has come from this first break-up. I just really don’t want you to feel pressured to have sex for him, never do anything you don’t want to do, and I really hope he is being supportive.

As I said, I’m not a sex therapist nor do I have any experience in this area so I think finding a professional would be really good for you. Even if you did one session with a sex and relationship therapist, sometimes one session is all you need. I think writing in a journal could help you too especially after you’ve had these panic attacks regarding sex, sometimes writing your feelings down lets you explore the issues more deeply and you might find you can resolve it once you get to the bottom of it.

I really hope this helps you out in some way, all the best, Darcey xxx

Hello love, thank you so much for writing in with your problem, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. Even though you and he are back together that doesn’t necessarily mean everything is great and you’ve got a happy ending. Life is way more complicated than that and from an outside perspective, it seems like you never dealt with the trauma of being broken up with so abruptly the first time.

I would imagine your feeling a combination of the following things; terrified he might turn around and do it again, the feeling of rejection, the confusion of why he did it, heartbroken from the first break up, that you might not trust him in the same way you did before. I obviously think you should have a deep think about how you feel, and then talk to your partner about it, he did something very serious that can’t just be forgiven instantly and he needs to understand the importance of patience in a situation like this.

You also mentioned getting panic attacks which is not something you should ignore. When things like this start affecting your health it’s so important to go and see you GP, that’s what they’re there for. x

Hi anon,

From your email, it seems like you’re a very kind, thoughtful person and I think you should definitely give yourself a pat on the back for how mature and measured you’ve been! Sex drive is a tricky one because I think it’s very easy for someone to take it personally whenever the discussion arises about potentially slowing things down, assuming you’re suddenly not as attracted to them or are losing interest etc etc. So I think maybe work up to bringing this up with your boyf and in the run-up to this conversation make an effort to show him how committed and happy you are with him to hopefully form a bit of a safe space where he doesn’t automatically panic. Again the question of marriage and feeling like it’s come into the conversation a little prematurely might elicit the same concerns from him, so I think gentle but consistent reminders of your love and commitment to him maybe without a ring on your finger will help that conversation go in the right direction.

I really think honesty is your best policy here- like you said, lockdown and 2020 as a whole has affected everyone differently, but perhaps for you, it’s put things into perspective and shown that life is too short to be worrying about labels or big milestones like marriage, and instead, you’d rather make the most of being young without those pressures right now. It’s tricky if he really does feel ‘ready’ for that next step, but realistically is it something that would even be feasible? Maybe you could emphasise you would love to get married someday but would prefer to save for a flat together or to travel before the financial commitment of a wedding. I think it’s just about laying your priorities out on the table and explaining that you might just need a little more time to feel totally ready. He can’t really argue with that and I’m sure will value your honesty and willingness to open up!

Best of luck- you’ve got this!
xxx

Hello lovely reader,

Thank You for sending this question in, how relatable!

I think lockdown has been hard for everyone in so many different ways. You’re right, he’s probably lonely but also probably feeling a bit insecure. I’ve had worries myself that my friends I haven’t seen in months won’t have a connection, or they’ll forget about me in lockdown. So maybe this is his way of trying to double-check you’re still into him?

If I were you I’d just sit him down and explain how you’re feeling. I don’t know how long you’ve been together but talking about marriage at 19 years old seems so young! You literally have so my life left to live and so much growing to do. I think try and reassure him that you love him but also be frank and say it’s a bit full-on at the moment. He will understand and probably appreciate your honesty. It sounds like he loves you a lot so would probably hate to think he’s made you feel uncomfortable.

As for having a lower sex drive, please remember that is completely normal. Especially when you’ve been together for a little while, it’s only natural that you’re not constantly horny! It’s literally impossible to be on the same wavelength all the time. Everyone is different.

Good luck! Sending love,

Holly xx

I think when it comes to your career it’s so easy to get worked up and obsessed over the here and now and it’s sometimes difficult to see the stepping stones you’re taking to something bigger and better without really realising it. It’s completely understandable of course, a persons career is important and when it doesn’t feel right or you’re not enjoying it then it can feel really demoralising. I can relate, after leaving university I had no idea what I really wanted to do and I spent a long time trying to work out what exactly made me tick and want to get out of bed every day.

Nowadays I try and think of a job and career much in the same way to moving into your first home. Your first home is usually not the “dream” or “forever” home but it’s one step closer to that perfect place that you will want to stay in for a long time, if not forever. It puts you on the ladder and I look at work in a similar way, as long as you are learning new skills and meeting new people, you are working towards that dream job, even if you can’t see it yet.

What is most important is you have already done the hard part, you know what you want and what makes you happy, being creative. It’s difficult without knowing more about your current role however if I were you I would start by being proactive in the role you have and put yourself forward for things that sit outside of your remit where you can be more creative. Whether that’s something that the company is already working on or something completely new. Could you get involved in renewing the company website or social media accounts for example? Could you start a workforce group around one of your passions, for example, ways to make the company greener? Does the company have a newsletter or blog you could contribute to or startup? There are always ideas you can bring to the table and trust me if you have a good manager, they will be thrilled that you’re using initiative and looking at ways to expand your skillset.

If you don’t feel like you can fulfil that creative itch in your current role then doing things outside of the office that allows you to be creative in the meantime would be the next best thing. Try teaming up with a friend on a project and set yourself small goals each week so it doesn’t feel so overwhelming and feels more achievable. Best of luck with everything and do keep us posted on what you choose to do!

Hello my love!

I think a lot of the time, we’re fooled into thinking we all stay the same throughout our lives and we should stick to liking the same things or being the exact same person we were 10 years ago but we’re fluid beings – we kind of rely on change as a means of personal growth. Our weight fluctuates, our tastes in interiors change our fashion sense evolves as we get older and really, what makes us happy in our careers is no different, it’s always in a state of flux and subject to change. So, when it comes down to knowing what you want to do with your life, it’s inevitable that we’re going to feel overwhelmed by the enormity of it. It’s a big existential ask! Instead of thinking about what we want to do with our lives, let’s look at the here and now and what you want to do with THAT. Then the prospect of signing up to this one career path for the rest of our lives doesn’t seem so scary and final.

If writing and creativity is what really feeds your soul and quiets your mind, then you should absolutely prioritise that. You don’t always need to be writing for someone else, if writing is something that grounds you and brings you back to yourself, then doing it for you is 100% enough. I feel the same way about reading and writing – they’re top tier self-care activities for me. A blog is a great starting point – definitely set one up. It’s a great way to hold yourself accountable for writing regularly, whether that’s once a week or once a month, just start somewhere. From a career perspective, it’s also essentially a portfolio/cv of all your work – great for prospective employers.

Keep a notepad next to your bed so you can scribble down ideas that come to you at the most random of times. I also use my notes on my phone whenever I come across nice words or ideas that spring to mind when I’m out walking, it’s a godsend. Writing snippets of ideas down also alleviates some of the pressure of coming up with your best idea then and there – nothing is more terrifying than a blank page or a blank word doc.

All the while you’ve got this other job ticking along and paying the bills put the feelers out for creative jobs (social media is a great place to look for writing positions / creative studios that might need contributors for copy). I think the biggest crime would be to starve yourself of that creativity that clearly offers you a great deal of fulfilment, so definitely start writing again. You’ll never know where it could take you. Best of luck, let us know how you get on, I’d love to read your content 🙂 Lareese Xx

Okay, SO. I personally don’t respond well to tough love, but I feel like in this situation it might be necessary haha! I had a similar-ish situation whereby my ex and I had broken up a couple of times and always ended up back together, but we were totally boyfriend and girlfriend and on the same page, unlike your situation which is maybe a bit foggier. I think your outlook and how introspective you’re being in considering the future is a really good sign though! It’s so hard to know when to make a call like this but the fact you’re open to putting yourself first and prioritising your best interests and mental health is SO. GOOD. To be honest, it sounds like you’re already 90% of the way there in knowing what to do in your heart of hearts, but I hope maybe this will just confirm your decision. I think it has the potential to end badly for both you and him because of the lack of boundaries in place, so lets, of course, avoid that if we can!

It’s totally right and natural to always care for him- it sounds like he has been and will continue to be a big part of your life, but maybe it’s time to really weigh up how you want things to be in the future, and if this back and forth/unsettled ‘situationship’ is good for you in the long run. And you never know, he might be feeling the same! Communication is your best friend in a dilemma like this as it seems neither of you fully know where you stand. Although it might feel hard to draw a line under it and really make the effort not to fall back into the habit of seeing each other, it’s the right choice in the long run if you know the relationship could never be 100% what you need.

Lockdown and social isolation make breakups and any kind of emotional upheaval a bit harder because of the lack of distractions, but I’m sure your friends will rally around you and look after you via a Zoom or socially distanced walks- they will be your rocks in this new phase of life!

Best of luck- I know you can do it!
xxx

Hi there anon!

I can see how this is such a tricky situation. Sometimes falling out with a long-term friend is worse than a breakup because you don’t expect a friendship to end so abruptly. I can’t blame you either for thinking about her in these crazy times too and wanting to see if she is okay. I think it would be good to consider a few different options here.

Firstly, I would really think about the reason you fell out and how that made you feel at the time. Something had gone wrong in the friendship and you felt as if everything was about her, when you confronted her, I assume she didn’t react well, and this is why you fell out. If she has failed to contact you even after this falling out, to understand why you felt this way, I wonder if the friendship can be saved? I think it can be harder to leave a friendship behind but both parties should get something out of the relationship and that should always be positive. I also believe a real friend would be really upset at the thought of thinking they had been ignoring your needs for so long and would want to fix this.

However, secondly, I am unaware of things going on in your friend’s life at the time and whether she was consumed by something else that meant she was speaking about her problems all the time and lost sight of others needs. So lastly, I would say that if you feel that you want to reach out to her, I don’t think that is a bad thing at all, you never know how she will respond! I think you just need to be prepared for all outcomes and yes potential rejection from her. I think to mend this friendship too she really needs to understand your point of view, and you need to hear her side too. I think only after having a proper conversation about it all can you really decide if the friendship can be saved.

I really hope this helps and wishing you all the best! Darcey xxx