Between You And Me Answering Your Problems Part 13

Hello love! Thanks so much for writing in and being so brave about what you’re going through, it must feel really lonely and confusing, but please know there is NOTHING wrong with you. Sex and everything that surrounds it is just a preference, some people don’t like marmite or aren’t fussed about eating it, the same can be said for masturbating. There is a lot of societal pressure about what people should and shouldn’t be doing and when, but you need to go at your own pace, there’s no rush. I think Lareese has done an excellent job of telling you how you might get more enjoyment out of masturbating, and how to deal with trial and error with your own pleasure. On the other hand, I wonder if you’ve looked into asexuality and some of the terms surrounding it? We have an article coming on Monday (22nd Feb) where we’ve interviewed lots of people who identify as Asexual, Ace or Grey Ace and it’s far more complex than having no interest in sex at all. Some people still have romantic attraction and have or want to have a partner but are not interested in the intimate side of the relationship as it’s a large spectrum that you might find yourself on in some form or another. Regardless of whether any of that applies to you, I just want you to know there are lots of people out there who feel the same way as you and I think seeking them out online would definitely bring you some comfort. Good look on your journey!

Hi lovely! I’m so sorry you’re having a tricky time with this at the moment as I know how much appearance and the things outside of our control can impact self-esteem – it’s a horrible feeling to be battling so firstly I’m sending a big virtual hug.

I haven’t dealt with hair loss but I naturally have very fine hair so can absolutely relate to how disheartening it sometimes feels to look at others around you and compare. Issues like this can feel hard to talk about, but social media is a wonderful place for information, community and support and I’ve personally found a lot of solace in online accounts that help me deal with my own, hard to talk about struggles. I’ve seen a lot of conversation about thinning hair on TikTok actually, and a simple search of ‘thin hair’ on the app brings up thousands of videos and accounts with tips, support, wig advice and general positivity that might help you feel a little more seen and heard.

I can totally relate to the idea of working on yourself in one sense but then achieving that goal and then having to deal with your next appearance-related hangup. Without diminishing how you’re feeling in regards to your hair, maybe take a moment to consider if you’ll ever feel 100% happy with your appearance and that maybe if that issue was resolved your brain might move its thinking onto another part of your looks. Chasing the end goal of ‘confidence’ means the parameters can often be muddied and I would hate for you to be on an endless quest that none of us really ever fulfil.

In terms of some tangible things I think could help with your hair worries, I know lots of people that rave about the Multi-Peptide Serum for Hair Density from The Ordinary which is around £15 so might be an affordable option worth trying. I don’t think you need to necessarily shave your head to experiment with wigs either! Again my TikTok obsession has shown me how much people wear wigs and most of those women have tips and tricks for incorporating their natural hair or tucking it away that look really seamless and realistic. Halo hairpieces, in particular, look amazing and incredibly natural so that could be a great option for you!

I know when your confidence is knocked everything surrounding that issue can feel really overwhelming, so I’m sending lots of love and light your way. You’re absolutely not alone in this struggle and I hope you can maybe step into a journey of appreciating your wonderful self, thin or thick hair aside.
xxx

Hey anon!

I just want to start off by saying I am really sorry you are going through this, losing your hair can be really traumatic and makes you feel super out of control of your own body. Especially frustrating too when people say, “it’s only hair!” eye roll.

I think personally the best thing to do (if you haven’t already) is to go to your GP for a check-up, as it’s best knowing why this is happening, so you can find some sort of solution to the problem. I also saw that you said you recently lost 10kg, sometimes weight loss, especially if it is in a short amount of time, can cause hair loss. You potentially might not be nourishing your body enough, this can send your body into a bit of a shock mode, which can make your follicles inactive which causes the hair to fall out. Of course, I am not a doctor and you may have already explored this avenue, but if you haven’t, I think speaking to a doctor about this is really important.

I want to add too that stress can also cause hair thinning and loss and we are currently living in a very stressful time with the pandemic. I lost virtually all my eyebrows in my final year of university due to stress, and although I can’t fully compare it to your situation, I remember feeling extremely stressed by it, which probably made the hair fall out more! What I had to keep reminding myself, was that hair grows back in most cases, so once I knew it was due to stress, I was more confident of it returning. That’s why speaking to a GP is so important, so you know exactly what you are dealing with.

One thing that worked wonders for me was castor oil, I applied it to my eyebrows every day consistently for a year (want to note that eyebrow regrowth is MUCH longer than from your scalp, hair regrowth for you should be quicker) and my eyebrows are now back too normal!

But lastly, I want to say that although this hair loss feels extremely stressful at the moment, it will get better. There are so many ways you can cover the hair loss, with hats, wigs, etc. But moving forward try and regain your self-confidence, you are beautiful with the hair loss, or without it. We are so much more than the exterior. Things will get better.

I’m diving STRAIGHT into this one and telling you to call him up and ask him who the actual F he thinks he is! He sounds like a real selfish asshole who was quite happy to be your friend, then friends with benefits, and now what? Because that’s not how friends treat each other regardless of gender or past sexual encounters. Living in your room is a HUGE breach of your trust and boundaries, then on top of that, you add the reason he’s there which is because he’s been a terrible friend to his supposed best friend, THEN you find out he’s bringing back other girls there. I’m fuming for you! I’m semi glazing over the fact that you kind of have feelings for him and you’re hurt that he seems to have moved on, but let’s be honest with each other and say you may have dodged a bullet here as he seems like the worst kind of guy. I would make some basic demands when you speak to him which are: Vacate my room and never step foot in there again unless invited, apologise to you profusely and realise how shitty his actions are, go away and think about what kind of person he’s turning into by betraying not one, but two of his close friends, for heaven’s sake is sleeping with girls that much more important to him? During a bloody pandemmie none the less!! You’re probably better off without this guy in your life or at the most keep him at arms distance and move on romantically as quick as you can!

Hey anon!

Let’s start off with the facts, he has zero respect for you or anyone it seems! I would quite simply call him, tell him to get out of your room ASAP and block that boy. No one needs to be dealing with that, like bringing back girls to your room in the middle of a global pandemic? When he knows you like him? The AUDACITY. The fact he could sleep with his best friends’ girlfriend, just shows you the type of person he is. Quite frankly, you have dodged a massive bullet. Because whether you stayed friends or were in a relationship, he was going to disrespect you again at some point.

It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. He also needs to grow up and confront the shitstorm he has created (I’m assuming back in his own flat) and face up to his ‘best friend’ about sleeping with his girlfriend. Instead, he is dragging you into it by staying in your room, not the drama you need right now, he’s absolutely no friend. He owes you a massive apology, although by the sounds of how he behaves, you probably won’t get one. He sounds like a narcissist to me, he’s probably blissfully unaware of all his wrongdoings.

I know when you like someone it’s quite hard to see their bad and not compare it to the good, but advice from a gal who also liked a guy with narcissistic tendencies, it just cannot work. Because they will never see things from your point of view, they will make you feel small, it’s just not worth it! I say get him out that room and out your life, thank u, NEXT!

This is such a great problem to write in with because I’m sure I’ve been in your shoes and people rarely like to admit that they’re the ‘other woman’ even if you haven’t actually done anything more than be friends with said guy. I feel like you’ve got quite a good grip on the situation already by saying – you know it’s not good for you, and also asking the right questions – Am I only feeling this way because I can’t have him? Possibly! You might start something up and realise it’s not what you thought it would be. Is he only flirting because he’s bored of his long term relationship? Possibly! Maybe he likes the attention from you but has no intentions of splitting up with his gf. It’s really hard to answer hypotheticals especially when you think you really like someone. I know you keep comparing other people to him but I think when you find the right person, and you haven’t spoken to the guy with a gf for a while you’ll be able to move on and be happy. You’ve got a couple of options of things you can do – fizzle out the chats with him and try and move on as best you can, or, shoot your shot, tell him how you feel and ask if he feels the same way, and then you’ll have your answer, but it might not be the one you want, and if it is it might not end well. Personally, I’d go with the first option, and as you correctly put it – if it’s meant to be it’ll be.

Hey Anon, thanks so much for writing in with your dilemma. It’s messages like this we get where I wish I could know more so I could give a more in-depth response. Has there been any physical contact? When you say flirty is it in the vein of compliments and playful touch or is it more friendly and jokey? From the sounds of your message, it sounds quite innocent and friendly so far and it could just be his personality to be that way. That being said if I put myself in his long term girlfriends shoes (shoes I have found myself in past relationships) then I could definitely see how it’s starting to feel like a triangle is forming which would be incredibly hurtful and damaging to her and indeed their relationship. If I’m being brutally honest, if you’re finding it too hard to just be friends with him, I do think you should cut ties. If you’re developing feelings and you feel like they are being reciprocated then he is effectively emotionally cheating on his girlfriend which I think gives a really big insight into where his morals and ethics stand. Again if I’m being frank, if he wanted to be with you, he would be. I know there are often complications and hurdles when it comes to relationships but sometimes it really is that black and white and you deserve to be with someone that only wants to be with you. I do agree with your last sentiment, timing is everything and if his current relationship doesn’t work out then there’s no reason you couldn’t explore something more in the future but I don’t think it’s fair on you to wait around for someone who is already in a seemingly committed long term relationship. All the best and thanks again for writing in. x

Hello love,

I have so many mixed emotions about this, I can only imagine how confused you must be feeling. It’s such a hard time to go through a break up anyway, let alone a messy one. There’s no distractions!

Let me start by saying that absolutely anything you do to help yourself heal after a break up is not ‘mean’ or selfish. You absolutely have to put yourself first and listen to that advice you have no doubt been giving your friends for the past 10 years. This sounds like a cut him out of your life situation to me. I know that’s easier said than done but if it helps, it doesn’t have to be permanent.

I have ex’s that I’m now really good friends with and ex’s that I never spoke to again. But every single one I have taken a substantial break from after we broke up. Gives you time to learn about yourself and evaluate what the added to your life.

The sooner you let go, the sooner you’ll heal. It’ll be shitty for a long time but in the long run you’ll be so much better off. You deserve someone who wants to make you feel incredible and gives you the world. Know your worth.

It is also completely normal to be jealous of the new girl, especially if he’s still talking to you. You’re probably still hoping there is a chance you’ll get back together. But I think you should let him be her problem now.

Know your worth!
Sending you so much love,
Holly xx

Hey! Thanks for writing to us and sorry to hear you’re going through this, being cheated on is absolutely awful. Let me start by saying that I’m going to speak to you like I would speak to my past 24yr old self and give you advice that I wish I had listened to at the time. To put it into context I was repeatedly messed around by the same boy for the most part of my early 20s (cheated on, lied to, gaslighted you name it) so I can completely relate to how you’re feeling. To be blunt, this boy does not deserve your friendship, trust or anything else from you. He is having his cake and eating it too, it’s not right what he’s doing and all you can try and do in this situation is be strong and walk away. I know it’s incredibly hard when there are feelings involved but I assure you it’s for the best in the long run and you will look back at the situation and realise you’ve had a lucky escape. I’m not saying you could never be friends but honestly, it doesn’t sound like he has much respect for women so think about why you would want to be friends with someone like that. I hope this helps and has made you realise that you deserve SO much better than how you’ve been treated. Not all men are like this so block the boy and don’t look back. All the best lovely x

Hello love,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling a bit at the moment. I feel your pain, socially distant walking dates are not the one. There’s nothing to do but…talk! I find it really awkward and actually quite enjoyable. I think I’m going to take some time out to focus on myself at the moment. I’m a strong believer that things happen when they’re meant too. If you try and force a relationship you’ll end up settling and it will never work out in the future. Maybe try out some new things (when we’re allowed to) and meet new people, with the intention of just making some new friends but if anything more happens, great!

As hard as it is, I think it’s a good thing that this guy you went on a date with was honest. Did he say why he wasn’t feeling it? If you have the opportunity to, I would ask so you know if it’s something you could work on. Or, it might be something you wholeheartedly disagree with and wouldn’t compromise to be in a relationship. Either way, you learn something about yourself and about the kind of person you want to be with.

As far as not liking how you look, I’m so sorry you’re feeling like that. I know what it feels like to be self-conscious but the person you end up with will love you for exactly who you are. I’m willing to bet you’re pretty perfect in a lot of peoples eyes, even if you don’t see it yourself. Make sure you’re following positive, likeminded people on Instagram. I recently did a whole sweep and unfollowed everyone that didn’t bring me joy when I see their posts and it’s helped me to no end.

Bottom line is that relationships aren’t the be-all and end-all. Focus on the other areas of your life that bring you happiness, friends, family, good music, fresh air etc. Your time will come and you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince or princess!

Hey anon!

Modern dating is a bloody minefield, especially when you add a pandemic into the mix! Being rejected can really hurt, when I first started using dating apps, I found it quite hard when someone ghosted me or I chatted to someone for a while, for them to turn around and say they aren’t interested. Shifting my mindset towards dating really helped me feel less blue when a potential romantic relationship didn’t work out.

Firstly, it’s not “will they like me”, its “will I like them”. See every first date like an interview, like you are Simon Cowell, and they are auditioning for the X-Factor. Secondly, if you do like them, but they don’t like you and decide to cut things off, be grateful you didn’t waste a second longer on the wrong person. Thirdly, attraction is SO much more than your appearance. So please don’t think that because someone has decided to cut things off, means it must be to do with your appearance. Attraction is all about how someone makes you feel, your similarities, how well conversation flows. There are so many factors to consider, so if someone rejects you, it can be for any reason. But the right person, will love every part of you, and that’s what we are looking for! The right person!

I don’t blame you for feeling fed up with dating at the moment, it’s not the usual fun (mostly ha) dating experience of going for a nice meal and drinks due to Covid. Maybe if you are feeling a bit down about it, take a step back from dating for a few months. In a few months restaurants etc might be open too, so the experience is overall more enjoyable and you can start dating again with a fresh mindset.

Hey lovely! Going on and coming off the pill is always a bit of a wild and bumpy ride, isn’t it? I don’t think there’s one size fits all and it certainly takes a bit of trial and error to figure out what suits you. I was on the oldest and cheapest pill of the lot (Microgynon) for a good 14 year stretch without a break and I came off it just over a year ago after feeling like I wanted to get to know my body again. I’d forgotten what a natural period felt like and I just wanted to be hormone-free after being on contraception for so long. Apart from throbbing boob ache for a couple of weeks, my transition was relatively painless which was a relief because I was fully prepared for it to be hellish having been on it for so long.

With everything going on at the moment, it’s difficult to know whether your panic attacks and anxiety were directly linked to taking the pill or perhaps your mental health has just taken a hit because of the last 12 months of uncertainty – it could certainly be a combination of the two. Is there anything else going on in your life that could be making you feel anxious, perhaps? I know you mentioned you’re not normally an anxious person but I think we can absorb a lot of negative energy subconsciously (even more so over the last year) which could be impacting your mental health.

I wouldn’t completely rule out taking the pill if it worked for you in the first instance but I think having a chat with your sexual health nurse / GP is a good idea so you can discuss your concerns and consider other options. It’s worth keeping a little log of all your side effects and mentioning your anxiety and changes to your skin so you can be ready to pinpoint exactly what happened and when. The more you can tell them, the better your chances of finding a pill or another form of contraception that suits you. As you have experienced before, taking a new pill can be a tad unpredictable and things can take a few months to settle down but if this isn’t the case, don’t hesitate to go straight back to your GP. The pill can be great for regulating your periods, easing cramps and reducing acne but it’s not for everyone and it’s certainly not worth taking something that could be compromising your physical and mental wellbeing.

Although my experience coming off the pill was pretty drama-free, I have friends who have felt like they were losing their minds, so you’re definitely not an anomaly. Good luck with exploring other options my love – always push for what you need from your GP xx

Hello! Ahh the many trials and tribulations of finding contraception that works for you- it can be exhausting and I think almost everyone goes through this uncertainty period so it’s absolutely normal to be feeling conflicted.

I’ve been taking the pill for 6 years now, and for the first 12 months I was prescribed Dianette, a type of the combined pill with a 7 day break each month, primarily for contraception but also to help with acne and oiliness. I eventually had to stop taking the combined pill as I was having problems with migraines and vision impairment (both of which I had experienced on and off during my teenage years so was never 100% sure it was down to the pill) but this is a big red flag for doctors regarding the specific hormone that’s in the combined pill. Following that and for the past 5 years I have been taking Cerelle which is a form of mini pill which I take continuously with no break, and thankfully I have been lucky and had a very smooth experience! It has also stopped my periods completely during this time which has been great as I always had very painful periods, and in recent years developed a pelvic pain condition so not having to bleed every month if I don’t need to is such a benefit I’ve found in the mini pill.

I was really reluctant to change from the combined pill originally as I felt it had a lot of benefits, but actually if I hadn’t had that slightly rocky experience I would still be having periods every month and wouldn’t have tried out the mini pill at all. I think trial and error and being open to things not going smoothly to begin with is really important in deciding upon a contraception route. Your daily intimate health is so, so personal and crucial to your happiness and quality of life so don’t feel despondent if you’ve hit a couple of walls so far. If hormonal contraception isn’t ticking your boxes then there are other options that you could consider, and this article from Clue is really great at breaking them down! https://helloclue.com/articles/sex/nonhormonal-birth-control-options

There seems to be lots of conversations happening at the moment surrounding the pill and I hear all the time of friends ditching it for good because of side effects and wanting to experience adult life as a woman without added hormones and just to let their bodies be for a while. I know Lottie of The Tummy Diaries has spoken a bit about this recently so it might be worth giving her a follow! https://www.instagram.com/p/CLaF6nTnRNa/

Best of luck and please know you will find your groove with this eventually!