Should you care if your fella is double-tapping another girl’s Instagram photos and following private accounts? What do you do if your sig other is still living with his ex after 18 months of being together? How do you get back into dating when you’ve been cheated on in the past AND you’re dealing with chronic pain? This month’s Between You and Me contains all of the above, with a side of red flags and piping hot tea. So, pour yourself a large one and let’s talk about life and all the things it just LOVES to throw at us.
Lareese
Ah the old comparison trap, it’s horrible isn’t it! Instagram has such a unique way of making us feel crap about ourselves. I have some friends who wouldn’t bat an eyelid at their boyfriends following hot girls (or liking their posts for that matter) but I also have friends who would definitely feel like that is overstepping the mark, especially if they were double tapping a picture of their ex in a bikini, so it comes down to boundaries and every relationship is different.
I would definitely speak to him again and reiterate how it makes you feel. Ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same thing. Would he be comfortable with that? What social media boundaries does he expect from you? It’s not about being controlling or telling him what to do, rather it’s about opening up the conversation, letting him know how you feel so he can consider the bigger picture and make his own mind up on whether he’s using social media appropriately and with the right intentions. Very important. Mindlessly liking someone’s photos is different to actively trying to get someone’s attention – we all look and appreciate beautiful people but actively following private accounts on Instagram is a bit of a red flag.
You’re in a committed relationship and like you said, you trust him but after a year of spending more time apart than you’d want to, it sounds like you need some reassurance and some quality time together – a chance for him to make you feel like the only girl in the world again. His intentions matter (what is he gaining from following these accounts anyway) and your feelings matter. Good luck lovely girl, let us know how you get on xx
Darcey
I feel like this is a real hot topic! I think the problem is that everyone has such different opinions when it comes to Instagram and who you should/shouldn’t follow if you have a partner. Right of the bat, if it’s making you feel uncomfortable then it’s absolutely worth speaking to your boyfriend about it. If he makes you out to be controlling or that you are overreacting, then that’s his issue. As your boyfriend he should take on your concerns and find a healthy compromise, I’m not saying he unfollows them all as realistically you can’t control who your partner follows on social media, but I would hope knowing how insecure it makes you feel he would want to find a solution.
It seems being long-distance and covid has kept you and your boyfriend separated for a while and that can be so tough! It sends your mind in to all sorts of places, and even though you fully trust him I understand how it can make you look at yourself or your own insecurities. I really do think at the end of the day he is with you for a reason, and he wants to be with you. I know him following other girls on Instagram can feel rubbish, but in reality, they are just a random girl he doesn’t know through a screen. But I also believe that setting boundaries in relationships is really important and if you feel this is important to you, then that boundary needs to be set. Good luck and it will all be fine in the end xxx
Charlotte
Phew- so this is quite the dilemma! I think first of all you have handled this so well and sensitively given that there are children involved and so many complex factors in regards to your partner’s ex’s mental and physical health. Also as an introductory point: I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in your requests or concerns whatsoever. As someone who has dealt with some complex mental and physical health problems that my ex helped support me with, I do understand how important that individual can be in keeping you going. However, I think it’s extremely difficult to go from being in a relationship with someone and doing these things, to then ending the relationship but keeping so many of those same mechanisms in place. It seems like apart from sleeping on the sofa, the dynamic of their relationship and intertwining of their lives has stayed the same which as you said is not conducive to your relationship moving forwards.
He can still be present in her life and support her and his child without needing to be so involved in my opinion, and the excuses of his child not liking his flat etc don’t really sit right with me because ultimately she will have to get used to it at some point if they’re ever going to successfully separate. I know the weight loss surgery will be extremely difficult for her, but again this really shouldn’t be something he needs to be so personally involved with. He could write her a diet plan and give advice on nutrition without needing to be present at all times, and he could advise her on workouts without needing to hold her hand throughout. It might sound harsh but I think there’s a level of codependency there with her and I’m worried it’s going to be quite difficult to undo. You’re probably (hopefully) nodding along to these points as I know they’re all issues you’ve raised, but I did just want to really reaffirm that your feelings are valid and from an outside perspective it seems just as messy as it must feel.
Ultimately, I think he needs a bit of a reality check. It’s not enough to just laugh something like this off because it’s your future at stake and I don’t think he’s taking it seriously. I think for this to work long term you need some tangible changes to take place and a conversation needs to be had with him in which you can lay those out onto the table and be reassured and communicated with maturely. You’ve been together for a considerable amount of time and perhaps because things haven’t changed yet he doesn’t feel any urgency to do so, but I don’t think there’s any harm in putting the pressure on a bit and setting out what NEEDS to happen as a matter of urgency. You matter, you should feel like a priority and you deserve actions that demonstrate this. It won’t be easy to cut things off if changes don’t materialise, but ask yourself if you’d be comfortable with this dynamic going on and on and on. Give him a chance, but be prepared that ultimately your happiness is most important and there will be relationships that don’t have this much baggage.
Good luck!
xxx
Danielle
Wow this is a complicated issue, massive props to you for staying so mature through your relationship and keeping a level head. I think Charlotte has addressed this sensitively and given you lots of food for thought. I guess I just want you to know that you deserve better than how you are being treated, it’s not some magical fairy tale to have a partner that loves you as much as you love them, and can see a future with you and work towards it. I know things are far more complicated than that in real life and children complicate things even further, but it kind of seems like this guy is just having his cake and eating it too. Doing whatever is the easiest thing for him to be doing. I think it’s baffling he has a flat and doesn’t live in it? If he’s always lived with his ex at what point did he get the flat? You say you might be worried you’re the other woman? Surely after 18 months you should have met the ex and established that you are in fact not the OTHER woman but THE woman? I personally think he’s a walking red flag, you deserve someone who gets excited about having Christmas together, someone to be there for you and your daughter, someone who doesn’t cause you this much turmoil. Sit him down and lay some serious ultimatums on the table about what you need from the relationship, this isn’t usually good advice but I think if he can’t even commit to moving out of his exes house after 2 years of being together (give him a few months to get it done) then you might as well call it quits. Good luck, and keep your head high xx
Charlotte
Hellooo! First things first, I honestly could have written this dilemma myself as the past year or so has been rife with chronic pain and relationship problems so I really do feel your pain (literally). Dating and opening up to someone new can be so challenging ordinarily, let alone when adding in this extra element of trust and vulnerability so first I think it’s important to acknowledge that your feelings are valid and your brain is just trying to keep you safe.
Ultimately, and as hard as this is to accept, I think so much of it comes down to trusting the process. Yes, for some people this will be too much to handle, but it will become clear that they are not the right person. In my last relationship I felt super alone with my pain and health conditions, and I remember seeing a TikTok of a guy researching his girlfriend’s health issues and going above and beyond to support her. It made me realise that there will always be people willing to do this for you and that are capable of providing this extra loving care when your health isn’t doing well. It might mean you have to kiss a few more frogs to find Mr Right, but I guess I just want to reassure you that what you’re looking for is totally possible and you deserve nothing less than this. Don’t settle, because it will only make your health and anxiety worse in the long run and I’m so glad you’ve been able to reach a place of self love and understanding that you deserve love, respect and patience from a partner when you’re struggling.
It can be really easy to project past experiences onto future scenarios that haven’t even happened yet, so I’d suggest being careful of going into a date immediately trying to spot signs that they might be similar to your ex and ultimately be disloyal because until someone gives you a reason to doubt them, really try not to. I know it feels impossible not to self preserve at all costs, but closing yourself off or rejecting guys at the first indication of them not fully understanding you might close doors that don’t need to be slammed shut. I would say go into this process with optimism instead of pessimism if you can, and know that what’s for you won’t pass you by.
All the luck and love in the world!
xxx
Danielle
Hello love, thank you so much for writing in, I’m so sorry to hear about your chronic pain, I can only imagine how much it affects every facet of your life especially your relationships. I think it’s fantastic you ended your message with the fact that you know your worth and you’ve learned to love yourself, as knowing how to be happy on your own is honestly worth everything in the world. I think you’re in a tough situation with a lot of battles up ahead, like knowing when to tell people about your chronic pain, people letting you down when they understand what comes with chronic pain and obviously the pain itself. I think it’s a big strain on your mental health going through something like this long term and if you’re not already I’d consider getting a therapist, someone to help you frame your life as most people you know like myself will not have gone through what you’re going through and will find it hard to ever truly understand. When it comes to dating the same advice I’d give to anyone is to trust the timing of it all, if you feel like blasting the apps for a bit do that, concentrate on your hobbies and work and things you enjoy and someone will come into your life, I don’t think you have to “put yourself out there” in uncomfortable situations to find a partner. In terms of trusting them you have no reason not to, Charlotte hit the nail on the head by urging you not to project past experiences on to future scenarios. That’s really all you can do and try and keep the negative anxious thoughts at bay because they’re serving you no purpose. It’s obviously easier said than done and your email was packed full “what if’s” every one of them being something terrible. What if you meet the guy of your dreams who wants to be there with you through thick and thin? What if it all goes right? Try and get more of that positive energy in your life and I think the universe will be kind to you <3 Wishing you all the best xx
Darcey
Hey anon! This is a real tricky situation you’ve found yourself in and I really do emphasise with you as I can’t image sharing a house with someone I cared really deeply for but couldn’t be with. This all sounds like a bit of a hot mess if I’m honest and that is incredibly hard on you. I think realistically you only really have two options; you tell him how you feel, or you ride out the rest of this house share, find somewhere new to live and move on with your life. Because you cannot continue being in this limbo, it’s not fair on you and it’s also not fair on his girlfriend.
I think if you feel the conversation is flirty, it definitely is flirty, which must be so confusing for you! It’s also confusing because from your question it seems he confides in you about his relationship and that she doesn’t always treat him great. This complicates things even more because it just seems like you are too heavily involved, because you also like him. I also think having sleepovers is going down the wrong path, it’s not good for you when you love him as it plays with your emotions, it’s also not really fair on his girlfriend (no matter how bad she is).
This is why I think it’s either you go full disclosure and tell him everything that you are feeling, although this could make living situations awkward if you don’t get the response you want. Maybe something you do when you are near to moving out? But if you are more in the minds of getting over this and moving on with your life, I think get out of that house asap and get some distance from him. This doesn’t mean you won’t be friends still, but I think you need this distance to get over him, you’ll never get over him while being his best friend still.
I really hope you can find some sort of solution to this and I really hope my advice has helped in some way, do what feels right for you and go with your heart not your head. Things will work themselves out in the end xxx
Holly
Hello lovely person,
When I say I could have written this letter, I am not joking. I had pretty much the exact same situation when I was at Uni. To the point where I text the person in question to ask if they were playing a trick on me – Spoiler Alert, we’re still friends.
I was you in this situation. When I met said person it was first-year uni, he had a girlfriend and we decided to live together before feelings started to develop. He was my best friend in the world and you probably don’t want to hear this but within a year, we wouldn’t even look at each other. It stayed like that for a good few years unfortunately.
It’s so hard to give advice. On one hand, I’m like park it where you are, otherwise, you’ll lose him and potentially other people along the way. But on the other hand, everything worked out well for me. It took a while but the guy I was kind of with/not with is my friend again now, he’s in a happy relationship and I’m even friends with his new partner!
I will say try your best to keep other people out of it. So many of our mutual friends felt like they had to choose sides and we both ended up losing people. Not necessarily a bad thing, but best to keep it as is between just you two for the time being.
The main thing I would say to you is, Uni is potentially the best years of your life. Please don’t waste that lusting over someone that doesn’t want you right now and harsh as it is, might never want you. Go out and have all the fun with your friends and just live in the moment. If things change with his girlfriend you can revisit, but for now, just focus on yourself.
Although probably unhelpful right now, just believe that everything happens for a reason. And that it all works out fine in the end.
Sending you so much love in an understandably difficult time. I promise one day you’ll look back with fond memories over someone you loved that taught you important life lessons.
Love Holly xx
