How to Make The Most of May

Another month, another game of roadmap out of lockdown bingo, the bank holiday edition.

It’s crazy to think a year ago, we were probably knee-deep in old bananas, counting slipping into an oven mitt as an outfit change and going ham on Zoom quizzes to pass the time, now we’re on the home stretch and 100% ready to break up with tiers and at-home workouts for good. Roll on May!

1. Rush to book a staycation…

2. Only to realise there’s no availability until 2050. Might just lay a towel down to reserve my own bed at 7am just to feel something.

3. Continue to lie to yourself about how organised you’ll be with your tax return this year. The pub has all our receipts, therefore, he is the accountant.

4. Go through the annual should I chop my hair off or keep it long debate before leaving it up to an Instagram poll to confirm the restyle you’ve already booked.

5. Sit inside a pub without a curfew, a substantial meal or a hot water bottle.

6. Work from an actual office. It’s a big day for your back.

7. Secure a booking for a rooftop bar by some kind of miracle. It’s by the loo but what’s a bit of WC whiff on a southerly breeze when you’re soaking up the sunset with a g&t in hand?

8. Vow to have a sensible bank holiday…

9. Knowing full well it’ll all end with you cry-singing Robbie Williams Angels and feeling things because of the music and the people and the music and the people.

10. Take a walk because you want to and not because it’s the only form of movement that’s legal anymore.

11. Spend your money on your hair, nails, filler but a new laptop charger you actually need? Nope. It’ll have to wait.

12. Agree to attend daytime functions only. If it requires shoes or a bra after 8pm you can appeal the decision on the grounds of Line of Duty.

13. Wonder how you ever used to afford a luxury life of eating and drinking out like this.

14. Feel shocked and saddened that you don’t have anything to wear. Clothes yes, outfits no.

15. Spend 3-4 days thinking about all the sh*t you were chatting after one night out. Your alcohol tolerance is done.

16. Drink water. Plan nothing. Leave your hair. There is no right or wrong way to thrive in May.

17. Vote in your local election! Colin or Cuthbert, pick a side.

18. Consider buying a drop leaf picnic table to plonk down outside the pubs and restaurants. No reservation, no problem.

19. Realise you’re officially at the age where any noise is enough to send you over the edge.

20. Mentally prepare yourself for four lads in jeans. Beer garden pollen attracts them.