The end of lockdown is so close we can practically taste the Aperol but that doesn’t mean we’re immune to life’s many, many problems. Pause the bunting people, shit’s going down.
If only there was a vaccination to save us from mardy bum mother in-laws serving sly digs left right and centre, romance ruts and pals slating their dickhead boyfriends but continuing to do absolutely nothing about it. If scientists could make that jab happen by 2030, thank you please. Push it through guys, see what strings you can pull eh?
In this month’s BYAM, we’re working through all of the above and more. Join us for a good venting sesh, won’t you?
Danielle
Heya, thank you for writing in, I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through with your friend. Let me first say that friendship break-ups are SO hard, much harder than relationship breakups because at least with a partner you know what’s happening, when it comes to friends, it’s often a case of someone getting left in the dark, lots of things left unsaid, no closure at all because there is no path trodden for this kind of thing. The heartbreak is stretched over a much longer time while it breaks down and it sounds like you’re currently left in an awkward place of asking; Why didn’t my friend want to be my friend just because I got a boyfriend? Does she want to be my friend now? Do I still want to be friends with someone who has treated me like this for 10 months?
You’re probably searching for a bit of closure or maybe a resurrection but before you contact make sure you want this person in your life. You mentioned that she knew you’d been in an abusive relationship in the past so it wasn’t very nice of her to treat you the way she did. Also, ask yourself if you were being a good friend to her, it sounds like you were spending whatever time you could with your new partner and maybe she felt neglected by you? Maybe she was worried you were moving too fast with your partner? If I’ve learnt anything this year it’s that a lot of people really went through highs and lows with their mental health so if you think this friendship is worth saving, get in touch with your friend and keep an open mind and an open heart.
Charlotte
Hey! I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through such an emotionally challenging experience during lockdown, a time when none of us needed anything else thrown onto our plate, but I’m also sure your lovely new partner has been really supportive through this. I’m thrilled you’re in such a stable, happy relationship and you really do deserve to enjoy that and lap up the ‘honeymoon’ period as much as possible! Everyone deserves unconditional support and love from their significant other but particularly after what sounds like a rocky past relationship I hope you’re loving love more than ever.
In regards to your friend, UGH, I feel the frustration through the screen even reading your dilemma. I honestly don’t understand what could possibly be her problem here other than jealousy, and you would think even if this was the case she would have at least tried to conceal this somewhat- it’s not a good look for her AT ALL. There is absolutely no reason to resent your friend’s happiness, period, and unless she was for example going through a terrible break-up herself and finding the topic of love difficult, I do not understand why there would be a bone in her body resenting you finding peace and contentment.
I totally understand why it might seem appealing to reach out and understand what happened between the two of you, and if closure would help you to move on then perhaps go for it, but aside from that I think you are truly better off without her. No good friend ditches their pal so easily, especially over something that should be joyous for you both! Why isn’t she pleased for you?! Why doesn’t she want to hear about how happy you are to be settled?! Why is her go-to response to leave you?! To me, this is an entirely ‘her’ problem from some deep-rooted issues (perhaps jealously?) and I would hate for you to feel bad or a need to make the effort to patch things up when you have honestly done nothing wrong. I know you would never dream of treating her this way if it was the other way around, and so although I have some level of sympathy if she has gone through a difficult experience that your new relationship has triggered, that’s something she needs to work on herself rather than put the blame onto you. I don’t think reaching out would do any harm, but I think her actions and resistance to meet you halfway up until this point says a lot. Good friendships are worth so much in this world so if you miss her and think there’s something salvageable there then maybe drop her a text, but prepare yourself that her past behaviour might mean she’s not someone you can fully trust or rely on, and really that’s something that should be a given in any friendship.
Best of luck and from us at Team Zoella, please DO enjoy your honeymoon period!
Charlotte
Ugh- I think we all know someone like this and unfortunately a lot of the time there really is very little we can do. Firstly I do think some level of complaining about your partner can be normal haha, its often the people we love the most that can irritate us the most too and when you spend a lot of time with someone frustration is only natural sometimes. Having said that, when a relationship isn’t right it’s never going to be and to have to hear the same issues again and again (and again) is exhausting.
Perhaps next time she voices her opinions or frustrations say something along the lines of “oh no is he still doing that?” or “how are you doing? I know this was bothering you before”. Maybe a little comment like this will emphasise that yes she’s already raised these issues with you before and also remind her that these problems aren’t being resolved. I know you said she doesn’t take your relationship advice that seriously as a single person but perhaps you could draw on your previous experiences and subtly mention how much happier you are now to be single living life on your own terms than to be in your previous wrong relationships.
If dropping hints isn’t your thing then I think you just need to sit her down and have a lighthearted convo about this and say that her complaining is wearing a little thing, as much as you do really want to be supportive. Sometimes people genuinely don’t realise that they have bad habits or how difficult they’re being until it’s pointed out! Honesty is the best policy so if you feel you could go one step further, just be straight up with her and say you have some concerns about the relationship but come at it from the angle of being concerned about her and her happiness as it sounds like otherwise she may throw her toys out of the pram. You may be single but you’re not oblivious to what makes a healthy relationship and she needs to remember that! Hot girl summer is approaching and a gentle nudge in the right direction that she might be happier alone, with you right there to support her, might just do the trick. Good luck!
Darcey
Ahh this is always a very tricky situation! Mainly because you want to be supportive of your friend, but also the constant complaining can be mentally draining. I think we’ve all had similar issues with friends in the past, usually you just have to let them just figure it out for themselves as people don’t change unless they want to. Giving advice to someone who doesn’t take it is so frustrating too!
The problem here it seems and in the nicest possible way, I think your friend is kind of enjoying the drama her bad boyfriend brings along and this interest she has in his friend. It sounds super messy and not easy to be around. I think she absolutely isn’t wanting to change anything or break up with her boyfriend anytime soon, so any advice that means making changes she will shut down. She also sounds like she’s being a bit mean to you as well, saying you can’t give good advice because you aren’t in a relationship, well why is she asking you then?
Obviously, she is your friend, and you don’t want to fall out with her, but I think if you continue to not say anything you’ll end up having to cut the friendship as things will go sour. Sometimes you have to have difficult conversations with friends about their partners, I have in the past and the best way to approach it is just by telling the truth. Say you want to be a supportive friend, but you can’t continue going round this cycle as it’s mentally draining for you. Also mentioning that you of course will be there for her if she decides to leave her partner or make positive changes, but that until then you don’t want to discuss it. She has to know you are there for her, but also you aren’t her emotional punch bag, she either needs to discuss these issues with her partner or accept his flaws and move on. As it seems she speaks to all her friends a lot about it but isn’t addressing anything with him.
It’s so hard being in this kind of situation but honesty is the best way to move forward with this friendship, if she takes it badly and doesn’t respect your own boundaries then maybe take some time apart and let her figure her relationship out on her own. There’s only so much you can support someone, and your own mental health and wellbeing comes first.
Lareese
Hello lovely!
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through it with your anxiety. Is this something new or have you always suffered with anxiety? Starting something new, whether it be a job or a placement, is always a challenge at the best of times, let alone in the middle of a pandemic. I really feel for you! It sounds like your mental health has taken a huge hit since you started working at the hospital and I guess it’s about getting to the heart of what’s triggering your anxiety (not always that easy to pin point, I know). It’s such a textbook answer but I would encourage you to talk to someone about what you’re dealing with so you can get the support you need. Is there someone at work you can talk to about how you’re feeling? If your anxiety stems from working at the hospital, no one will understand you better than your fellow nurses because they’ve been there! Talking to someone isn’t a failure, if anything it’ll make you a better nurse In the long run because you’ll be better equipped to do your job when you’re no longer trying to cope on your own.
Secondly, I would explore other options such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) or applied relaxation therapy, both of which will teach you key coping skills to better manage your anxiety. I can only imagine that you feel utterly overwhelmed right now and sometimes it can seem like this is your new normal but trust me, it doesn’t have to be that way.
Also, (another textbook answer coming up, sorry) you’re not alone – nine in ten nurses are feeling more anxious than usual due to the coronavirus so you’re certainly not an anomaly. The past year has been a lot for the most stoic of nurses to deal with, let alone a student nurse. This doesn’t mean you’re not cut out for the job, not at all, it just means that maybe starting something new, that involves going into a hospital in the middle of a pandemic and working directly with the risks that everyone else is able to avoid by staying at home, isn’t all that easy for a 19 year old nurse in training. You’re human and you’re very much entitled to say, hang on a minute, I’m struggling with this one.
I would encourage you to write down all your thoughts and feelings after work too to help unpack those emotions. Never underestimate the power of reflection.
I know your MH is in a tricky place right now but anxiety does not define you and it will not hold you back from having a successful nursing career.
I’ve every faith that once you’re armed with the tools you need to manage your anxiety, you’ll be able to move forward without the exhaustion, panic attacks and stress you’ve been experiencing.
Wishing you all the best with your future! Keep in touch and let us know how you get on. Lareese X
Danielle
Hello love! Thank you so much for writing in and I’m sorry you’re going through it at the moment becoming a nurse is such a brave a noble thing to do so its rubbish that your mental health is getting in your way. Firstly, it’s probably completely natural to feel anxious when starting a job as stressful as one in a hospital, the hours are long and might be a nightshift, it’s busy, and sometimes it’s quite literally life and death – something very few jobs have to deal with. However, what you’ve described sounds like a bit more than functional anxiety and panic attacks are a serious concern that you shouldn’t have to be going through at work. Firstly I’d talk to your GP about what you’ve been going through and start looking into different options of how to figure out why you’re feeling anxious and how you can work around it. Maybe it’s medication, maybe it’s therapy and CBT like Lareese has mentioned. Either way your mental health is something you are going to have to work on, have you had a look at any support groups with other nurses who might have been through something similar? I also think it’s important to get to the route of where your anxiety is stemming from, is it the job or is it something else. Will you get over ‘over it’ by simply working more and getting used to the job or is it something else entirely? Make sure you chat to your friends or family about how you’re feeling, I guarantee you’ll feel a little lighter and you really deserve that support from those that you love. Hang in there, you’re stronger thank you think! x
Holly
Hello lovely person,
What a horrible situation you have found. I hear so many stories about people with controlling mothers, and I find it so strange. Surely you want nothing more than for your children to be happy? I guess it must be kind of reassuring if your partner says she’s like this in general, not just to you. But that still doesn’t make it OK.
I think your friend is right, you need to take it upon yourself to figure out if there actually is a deeper issue. Ask her to go for a coffee or a glass of wine just you too and bring it up. I’d be super flattering and be like ‘your son makes me so happy, it’s probably me overthinking but I just want to double check we’re OK’. Even typing that sounds terrifying but you’ll feel so much better once you’ve done that.
I also think that if you and your partner are serious and been together for a while, he really should be sticking ups for you. Maybe you need to have some kind of signal or pull him to one side when she says something that makes you uncomfortable and ask him to say something. He almost needs to be in a position where he is putting you over his mum. But he might need a nudge, it is his mum after all and mothers/sons have such strong bonds.
Unfortunately, as much as it isn’t fair for you to be in the position, you kind of need to make a decision. If you aren’t going to speak to her, your partner isn’t going to do anything and your mother in law isn’t going to chill out, you need to decide if you can live like that forever.
I realise that’s probably not what you wanted to hear but I really hope it all works out. Sending you lots of love and a big cuddle.
Love Holly xx
Lareese
Oh pal! This is the scenario no one wants to deal with isn’t it?! If I were you I would absolutely say something, both to your partner – so he understands the severity of the issue and how his mum is making you feel – and directly to her, so she’s aware that although this may be how she behaves with other people, but you won’t tolerate it. You need some healthy boundaries here.
If your mental health has been compromised, your partner needs to take that very seriously and do something to support you which, in this case, is as easy as talking to his mum. He needs to have your back in this situation and put his foot down. It sounds like this has been going on for years and I can only imagine what an emotional weight that is to carry, particularly as the world starts opening back up and you’re likely to be spending more time socialising with his family again. That’s the kind of drama no one wants in their lives after a crappy year stuck at home. Something’s got to change if you’re feeling like this and it’s not enough for your boyfriend or his mum to bat it off as classic mum behaviour.
If you were to carry on as you were, it’ll soon begin to chip away at your relationship and why should you take that hit because of something she is doing and could prevent? Enough’s enough I say, you’ve done very well to stay composed for this long but I think a firm word is in order. Also, the sly digs are a bit baffling – is there something she needs to get off her chest? Something she’s dealing with that she just so happens to be taking out on you? Who knows! But there’s only one way to find out!
Really hoping you manage to resolve your differences and that you get the backup from the other half because you absolutely deserve that. Let us know how it goes!
Lareese Xx
Darcey
Hey anon! I could have quite LITERALLY written this myself. I am also 22 and never had a boyfriend or to be honest any successful romantic venture. I think the biggest issue is our age and that most men a similar age to us are after ‘something casual’ (although how many of them don’t disclose this early on then act like you are crazy for catching feelings?).
Being ghosted bloody sucks too! Also, it’s just so rude, it’s so easy to send a message saying the vibe wasn’t there but it was nice meeting you etc. If someone ghosts you to be honest, I think that just reflects how they would have been in a relationship, immature and uncaring, so it’s a no from me. I do think the pandemic has thrown a spanner in the works, I think most people are looking for a fun care-free Summer (hot girl summer here we go) and don’t want anything serious. Annoying for gals like us looking to find a boyfriend at some point!
But I think enjoying our freedom this Summer is exactly what we need to do, don’t get caught up in ‘why haven’t I found a boyfriend’, ‘why does no one like me’, etc. Firstly, it has nothing to do with you as a person, you’ve just not found someone you vibe with and that’s okay. We don’t want to settle with someone not worth our time just to feel companionship, helllll no. Enjoy being with friends, dating, having a proper Summer, these things find you when you least expect it (cliché I know but seriously I do believe in this). You are fabulous and you will find the right person at the right time, but until then enjoy yourself and remember how bloody great you are!
Holly
Let me start by saying, who on earth, as an adult, ghosts someone?! The least you can do is explain why something isn’t going to work out? Sounds like you had a lucky escape to me. Nobody who ghosts someone is even worth a second date.
Unfortunately, I think most boys around 21/22/23 are looking for more casual things; especially given the pandemic. We’ve lost more than 1 year of our lives where you just want to be fun and single and I think people are going to go a bit crazy for a little while. I think everyone should, just to let off some steam. So I definitely wouldn’t take it personally.
It’s so easy to compare your love life and life in general to people around you, but you just have to try your hardest not to. Everyone is different and just because you’ve never had a relationship doesn’t mean you won’t. Trust me, 22 is very young still, you have plenty of time for relationships and you will have to kiss a few frogs on the way.
I say this to all my friends, if you’re looking for a relationship, you’ll end up settling. Just enjoy where you are, have fun with your friends and family, go on dates but just don’t put so much pressure on them always working out. Live for the moment. You’re exactly where you need to be and you’ll meet the perfect person when the time is right. If you go into dates thinking you’re going to be together forever, you’ll end up settling and you deserve so much more than that.
Sending you lots of love and positive vibes,
Holly xx
