Between You and Me: Your Problems Answered Part 17

Hello, anon!

Thanks for writing in, especially from across the pond! I’m glad you included the information about where you’re from in your question as I think it’s the most important bit. To decide that there are no suitable romantic prospects in an entire state that you’re about to move to sounds like a huge generalisation but I’m sure you already know that. It seems like you’re worrying about it and writing it off before you’ve even got there which isn’t the best state of mind to be in. A lot of people will tell you the universe hands back the energy you’re giving it, and if you keep thinking there are no potential partners for you I don’t think one will magically come along. I think the most important thing is to move somewhere that makes you happy, forget about relationships and finding a partner and just focus on where you feel comfortable and inspired, where you can make friends that you have fun with, your vibe attracts your tribe and all that! I know New York is a lot more modern and fast-paced than Utah/Salt Lake City so maybe now is the time to decide if you should get used to where you are or make the move for happiness somewhere else?

Either way, don’t write off every prospect you never know what’s around the corner!

Hello my love,

Thanks for sending in your question, I can imagine that’s tough to open up about. Firstly, I don’t think fancying older men is odd (I mean it depends how old we’re talking) but each to their own. There is definitely some people more than double my age that I would like to go on a date with or more…

There is also absolutely nothing wrong with not having done more than kiss before. I have friends that are almost 30 and have never even kissed somebody. They just haven’t found the right person they want to be intimate with, the important thing is to wait until it’s right for you. There is no right or wrong time.

To answer – how to tell them, I genuinely don’t think it needs to be a big deal. Just meet up with someone with the intention of having fun, if it comes up in conversation naturally then mention it. Then if it comes to the point where you’ve found someone you want to sleep with, hopefully, you feel comfortable enough to share your past. I do think it’s important to be honest beforehand just so whoever you’re with knows to be gentle, but it’s also not something you have to share with just anyone.

Generally speaking, any decent human being wouldn’t judge you for being a virgin. In my experience, boys under 30 tend to be not that emotionally mature so I think they would probably be a bit weirder about it. Older people understand that everyone’s life experience is different, and that’s OK!

The main thing is don’t pressure yourself either way. You like who you like. And for the right person, how experienced you are won’t matter.

Sending you lots of positivity and luck, go get ’em!

Holly xx

Hey anon! Firstly, absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin at 21, we all do things at different points in our life, I have friends who are the same age as me (23) who haven’t had sex yet and that is okay. I said this in another answer, but virginity means different things for different people and there shouldn’t be this societal pressure to lose it. Losing your virginity can be nerve-wracking, but honestly, there isn’t anything to be nervous about, those nerves will go when you know it’s the right moment for it to happen. I think the build-up if anything brings on the nerves, the “when will it happen” jitters.

Secondly dating older men also is fine if the relationship is consensual and you are both happy within that relationship. Obviously, you are 21, an adult, you can make decisions for yourself, but I’d be interested to know why you like older men. As I think if it’s a case of seeing them as more mature, that is not always the reality. I’ve dated guys who are the same age as me who have been super respectful and mature, I’ve dated guys who are like 7-8 years older than me, who have not been respectful with their actions and behaved childishly if I’m honest. I just wanted to put this out there in case you were kind of in the mindset of the older the more mature, as some people never grow up ha! But absolutely I see nothing wrong with dating older men, we all find different people attractive.

When it comes to dating older men and being a virgin, I honestly don’t think that matters at all. Mature men won’t care that you are a virgin or see it as an issue, if they ask you then you can tell them if you feel comfortable in doing so, if they act weird about it, see ya later! There’s no wrong or right answer to when you lose it, or who you lose it to. As long as you feel happy and comfortable with your decision, that is all that matters. Best of luck with everything! Xx

Hello love,

Thank you so much for writing in, especially about a subject that could be affecting a lot of relationships these days! Firstly let me say you are absolutely enough, and no one – especially your partner – should make you feel like that.

Secondly, if I was in your situation I have to say I’d be absolutely fuming. I think if I knew if/how much my partner spent on OnlyFans I’d have to just deal with those uncomfortable feelings because essentially there’s nothing wrong with your partner consuming pornographic content especially when it means sex workers are getting paid. You have to trust that your partner is consuming the content responsibly and obviously it crosses a line if they’re messaging someone one on one.

However, in your case, I think subscribing to someone you both know is really inappropriate, it’s no longer a stranger on the internet, the line is crossed. The part of your story I find most upsetting is that when you confronted him he tried to minimize it, act like it wasn’t a big deal and after you told him it was, he ‘didn’t understand’ why it would make you feel shit.

I think if the shoe was on the other foot and you were soliciting dick pics from one of his old school mates he’d have an issue! The fact that you were also lending him money during this time makes my blood boil. Make sure you’re only ever lending and never straight up giving a boyfriend money. If he’s stopped and you’ve both agreed to move past it then that’s what you need to do. Maybe you just need to have one more conversation about why you found it so upsetting and also get a sincere apology from him? I’ll finish by saying this is a bit of a red flag, maybe not breakup worthy but don’t forget it in a hurry and stay alert for any other bad behaviour that makes you feel less than. Hope you feel better lovely! xxx

There’s a lot to unpack here! Firstly, I want to say that I don’t blame you for feeling hurt still, it’s a really shitty thing for your boyfriend to have done. I wouldn’t mind my boyfriend using OnlyFans, because I see it as a more ethical platform then say PornHub, sex workers get paid and it’s a safe environment for them. However, there’s a line and there sure as hell is boundaries to who you subscribe to on OnlyFans. People you went to school with and who was a close friend of yours? Firm no, absolutely overstepping the boundaries. Not only does this make you uncomfortable, I bet it made the other women uncomfortable too, especially because he paid for extra photos.

Being curious too just seems like a strange thing to say, so basically, you’ve always wanted to see these women naked, so you took the first chance you got? Like there’s a difference between using OnlyFans for sexual pleasure and using it to see women you went to school with naked you know? I’d also be surprised if he didn’t realise the £100 leaving his account like if he’s strapped for cash, £100 is a LOT to just leave your account unnoticed. I think the issue is, he has deleted the app, which is good of him to have done, to me it seems he realised he messed up and has made it right. However, you are still hurt and that’s an issue as this feeling will fester. I want you to know straight up, this has nothing to do with you or how attractive he finds you; you are always enough. But if you are with someone who makes you feel as if you aren’t enough, that’s an issue.

The problem is if you have said you have forgiven him, then rehashing it might cause more issues because he will probably be thinking “well I thought we resolved this, why is this coming up again?”. I think you either must decide to let it go and move past it, or if you can’t move past it, think about if this relationship can move forward with you holding this grudge. I think in the future if you face any other issues that really hurt you, be super vocal and let him know how much he has upset you, honesty is always the best to try and move on.

You are always enough and if he doesn’t see it, well his bloody loss! Sending you lots of love and best of luck with everything in the future Xx

Hello anon! Thank you for writing in on such a vulnerable subject which I would disagree with you on and say is not weird at all- it’s something so, so many people will relate to and will have worried about previously so you’re absolutely not alone in this feeling.

I think it’s really natural to only want your first sexual experiences to be with someone you connect with, but as Darcey says I don’t think this necessarily has to mean relationship status. It might be that you date someone for a few weeks, get along with them really well and it naturally leads to something more intimate together. You might not be able to imagine that you could feel this way with someone fairly soon into meeting them but I’d say don’t rule out the possibility that this is how things might unfold for you. If however as you said you really do want your first time to be with someone that you end up being with afterwards, then the next natural step feels like putting yourself out there a bit and getting the wheels in motion for this to happen. Dating is a different experience for everyone, but I’d say downloading some apps and getting chatting to people is probably the easiest way to build a bit of confidence and get in the headspace for romance! You can take this at whatever pace you like, whether it be just seeing what’s out there for a while and having some casual chats, or diving in the deep end and arranging an IRL date straight away- I think you’ll know what feels most natural and right for you.

Ultimately I think this is something so many people experience and in the end, things tend to fall into place naturally, but I can definitely understand the sense of urgency and wanting to get the ball rolling- you and me both sister! Get yourself some cute date outfits in your repertoire, practice a killer make-up look you feel good in and most importantly feel confident and content in yourself as you start this process. It will be so fun and I can’t wait for you to hopefully update us at some point with the happy ending!

Enjoy hot girl summer!

Hey anon! This is such a good question and I think something a lot of people will be pondering post lockdown. Whether you have sexual experience or not, it sometimes can be difficult to pinpoint if you are wanting something casual or serious. I think for you because this isn’t just about dating this is about your first sexual experiences, there’s more to consider. I think if you are saying from the offset, you don’t think you could have sex for the first time with someone and it be casual, take that feeling at face value.

I think if you are hoping for a deeper connection with someone to sleep with for the first time you should try and seek that. I know you said someone you are in a relationship with, but actually even it being with someone you know and trust can be just as fulfilling. Also, you don’t have to jump into sleeping with someone straight away, you can always casually date, do some bits and bobs here if you know what I mean haa, and if the right moment arises with the right person, then go for it! At the end of the day (in my personal opinion) virginity is a bit of a social construct which was created in order to keep women as something that can be ‘owned’, because virginity means so many different things to different people, it’s not just vagina and penis penetration. I think the pressure of losing your virginity can make the experience so intense that you end up not enjoying the experience or feeling regret after due to societal ‘norms’ of how it should happen and when.

I think get yourself out there on the dating scene, Hinge and Tinder fired up, start lining up some dates and see what happens? There really is no wrong or right answer to whether you should keep things casual or serious. I do think try and have somewhat of an idea going into it, as it’s good to be open about what you want early on. Even if that’s saying “I want to date and see what happens, but my end goal is a relationship” or “I am looking for something more casual but open to seeing what happens” as long as someone knows roughly what you are after, dating someone on the same page as you is waaaaay easier, saves all the “what is this, what are we” drama down the line. I think enjoy meeting new people and enjoy the moment! Hope you have the best Summer! Xx

Heya love! Great question, I think ‘being accessible’ can mean a few things, but I think of it like the lottery “You’ve got to be in it to win it” which is to say if you want to meet someone at a bar and have an amazing conversation then you need to be at said bar. If you want to meet someone whilst you’re running out for coffee you need to be present and out there and not on your phone. So my best advice is just to say yes to life, go out with friends, get out the house, hit the gym or an exercise class, pick up a new hobby if there’s something you’ve been wanting to try! BUT, and here’s the hard part, try to completely forget about meeting a partner. Don’t do these things desperately searching for a man, they can smell it on you. The most attractive you can be is when you’re just living your life happily, I guarantee as soon as you stop thinking about trying to find a boyfriend they’ll all start to swarm. I WISH someone had given me this advice when I was younger as I remember being so consumed by boys instead of just enjoying the moments with my friends for what they were. The nights I was having the most fun were always the nights people asked for my number. I’ll stop rambling now, just get out there and focus on fun!

Hello lovely person,

Well, I guess there are 2 ways to look at the term ‘accessible’. You need to be physically out there, meeting people, going new places and confident in talking to new people. On the other, much scarier hand, you need to be emotionally ready to be in a relationship and willing to open up to somebody.

I’m by no means an expert, but from my experience, actually physically meeting people is the easy part. My top tips would be to put on an outfit that you feel confident in and go out with the intention of making new friends. Not everything has to be so serious looking at it like you’re going to find the love of your life. Making great new friends can be just as fulfilling as being in a relationship.

I think now is also the perfect time to put yourself out there and meet new people. Everyone is desperate to socialise after a year of not meeting anyone new. I know it’s scary but most people will be receptive. I know personally if someone came up to me wanting to be my friend I’d welcome them with open arms.

The much harder part is making sure you’re actually emotionally ready for a relationship. Letting someone in is HARD especially if you’ve not been in a relationship for a little while. I really think you have to be happy with yourself before getting into a relationship. It’s so easy to get carried away when you are dating someone that you forget what you really want in a partner. Work on yourself and make sure you’re in a good place, you should be content being alone. A partner should add to the happiness rather than be the basis for it.

I’m also a strong believer that if you’re desperate for a partner, you’ll end up settling which is never good. You deserve to be with the perfect person so don’t rush it.

Good luck and sending you lots of positivity.

Holly xx