Between You & Me: Answering Your Problems Part 20

Hey anon!

Ahh this is a frustrating situation, when you know there’s a connection online but haven’t had the opportunity to meet, so you are always left wondering if it could be better in person. The problem is, you don’t want a pen pal, you want an actual physical relationship with someone, and it sounds like to me this is in pen pal territory… It’s not to say that when he is back in London, you can’t meet. However, I think holding on to something so small isn’t always the healthiest thing, because we all kind of make up a picture in our heads with how this person could be and sometimes the reality is not what you wanted. For example, I chatted to someone in lockdown earlier this year like you and when we finally met, I thought we would have been compatible, and it ended up being a bit meh. The first date was good, but the second date things felt off and to be honest he just wasn’t what I thought he was like, we wanted different things and that was that. I just don’t want you to put effort in to speaking to someone for the same thing to happen, however, it could go the complete opposite and be everything you hoped for. It’s just weighing up whether you want to wait around for that day to come or not. I mean now there is really no excuse to not meet up (unless he’s in a different country again), so if the effort and enthusiasm isn’t coming from him too, that might be something to think about.

Best of luck with everything in the future! Darcey xxx

Hello lovely,

Thank you so much for getting in touch. It sounds like you’ve had a really traumatic time over the last few years. Dealing with grief and the loss of your aunt, uncle and grandparents is a heck of a lot to go through in such a short space of time, especially when you haven’t felt like you’re getting the adequate support from your family as everyone around you is navigating their own personal heartache.

After taking some time out for yourself to unpack everything emotionally, perhaps you’re only just in the right headspace to make friends and be socially available, ya know? After 18 long months of a pandemic when we physically couldn’t socialise, it’s understandable that you have your reservations and you’re possibly getting in your head about it. We’re all a bit rusty at hanging out with people again but listen, you absolutely WILL make friends, you’ve just gotta put yourself back out there and remember that not everyone will treat you like those girls in school did. There are good people who will value your friendship, just as you will theirs and treat you with kindness and compassion.

I’m a firm believer that the energy you put out into the world is the energy you get back, so if you want to make more of those connections at work, why not be pro-active and suggest hanging out for a post-shift drink or some team bonding? Make it happen. I know it can be scary stuff to be the initiator but if you’re constantly fearing the worst or convincing yourself you’re not worthy of enjoying healthy and fulfilling friendships, nothing’s going to change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results! Let go of what’s happened in the past and kick that negativity to the curb, you deserve to be surrounded with people who appreciate you rather than dwelling on the actions of those people who let you down. Say yes to invitations, push yourself out of your comfort zone and don’t overthink it.

Outside of work, you could try things like signing up for a book club (in person or virtual), an art class or joining in a local sports club. Often when you already have an interest in common, conversation happens naturally and friendships form organically so that might make you feel more at ease and give you the opportunity to chat with likeminded people. Facebook groups are also brilliant for getting to know people in your local area and putting the feelers out there to see who’s up for meeting up for a coffee and a chat.

Above all, I think you should cut yourself some serious slack. You should recognise how resilient you’ve been in the face of such deep loss and uncertainty. Friendships do grow and change overtime as our lives take us down various different paths and that’s not easy but remember, there are people you haven’t met yet who will love you.

Sending you loads of love and hoping you find your sunshine people!
Lareese xx

Hi anon,

Thank you for getting in touch and I am so sorry for all the loss and hardship you have faced these past few years, you truly are so incredibly brave and for that alone you should be so proud of yourself for where you are, in a job you’ve always wanted and living alone in your own home.

Loneliness is something which can be so difficult to deal with and I totally understand that it feels like this is something that will never change, because it is so isolating at times. It’s always so unfortunate that as we get older relationships we thought would last forever begin to dwindle as we take different paths in life, it’s a harsh reality of growing up. I’m also sure new relationships seem scary after facing so much loss in your life, it’s hard to start new relationships when there’s a fear of them not working out or them leaving your life for whatever reason. But something you should be so sure on yourself about is how bloody strong you are! You have faced a lot of hardship and you are out the other side, always try and remember that.

Making friends can be tricky, but also, it’s one of those things where you’ve got to really put yourself out there to reap the reward, which I know can be scary especially after such a long time of keeping to yourself more. I wonder if you could join a local group in something you are interested in. Maybe a book club, sports, gym, or even something artistic! You’d be surprised how many people you can meet through something like that. Local Facebook groups are great as well for meeting people, there’s one in Brighton called Brighton Girl and I love it! You can also use Bumble to meet other people looking for friends too, bit like tinder for mates, I know a few people who have made close friends from it so worth a shot. Once you’ve done one of these things, you’ll see there’s nothing to be afraid of, it’s not an interview or a test on who you are, if you go to a group and don’t click with anyone, that’s okay. You will find your people; it just might take a bit longer than you had hoped. You’ve got this!

Sending you loads of love, Darcey xxx

Thank you so much for writing in about imposter syndrome as it’s something that affects SO many people at one time or another and nobody is that good at talking about it when they do. I hadn’t really felt the true effects of imposter syndrome until working from home during lockdown, there are probably a few different variables but I believe the biggest was the fact that I’d been out of office life and my confidence started to dissipate. I can only imagine how many people we’re going through something similar, and when I opened up to some of my friends they had been going through the exact same thing. It hurts when you’re looking for a job and not getting any success, not only because you feel rejected but as time goes on it really affects your confidence and each new interview gets harder.

The good thing about imposter syndrome is that literally everyone has probably felt it at some point, and it has absolutely no merit, it’s just your brain self sabotaging and making you spiral. The bad thing about it is there isn’t much of a cure – sh*t I know – but there are definitely things you can do to help curb it, one being self-love. Repeat positive mantras to yourself and believe them – you are smart, you are hard-working, you are capable. Talk to yourself as if you were speaking to a friend, you wouldn’t tell them they won’t be able to find another job! Keep going, keep working hard at it, and as soon as you get there all your negative feelings should wash away, you just have to keep going.

Hey and thank you for writing in. Firstly I’m sorry to hear about your redundancy during the pandemic, that must have been very unsettling during such a difficult time and congratulations for finding a new role so quickly. Secondly, you’re not alone in feeling like this. These self doubts and confidence wobbles have plagued almost every successful man and woman I know at one point or other and it’s only recently that high profile people have spoken out about it, normalising these feelings for the rest of us. Forbes defines Imposter Syndrome as the “inability to believe your success is deserved as a result of your hard work and the fact you possess distinct skills, capabilities and experiences. Rather, your inclination is to internalise that you got where you are by other means such as luck, or being in the right place at the right time.” I’ve also read that it disproportionately affects women within the professional workplace which is certainly the case when I think about my circle of friends and colleagues. So take comfort that these feelings are totally normal from time to time and it’s up to you to own your successes and be kind and compassionate to yourself. One bit of advice I found really useful is to try and separate feelings from fact. When I offer someone a job it’s because I’m confident that they will be good and were the best candidate for the position. That’s a fact and that will be the main reason you were given this job I assure you. Good luck with your new role and I hope as time goes on you will realise you deserve your success.

Hi lovely! Sorry to hear you’re struggling with this decision- it’s such a common one so please don’t feel too panicked as I guarantee almost everyone at college or university doubts the process numerous times throughout. I guess the biggest factor is weighing up whether the stress it’s causing you is outweighing the potential for your future career or fun you might have if you carry on studying. I also really struggled in my first year of university, made barely any friends and was totally overworked and overwhelmed by the workload and pressure. You didn’t specify what exactly it is about your experience that you’re not enjoying but I think first year is difficult for everyone because it’s such a big adjustment and your entire lifestyle, routine and friendship circle changes in one go, so try not to feel left out for struggling during this period as I know for a fact so many others will be in the same boat. If I were you, purely based on my own experience and how much I know things improved for me during my second year and beyond, I would try to continue and see if the universe brings some better times your way as you progress because I truly do think this is the case for a lot of people as their time at college goes on. If you’re struggling socially, are there any Facebook groups or society’s you could join and expand your social circle a little? If it’s school work that’s the issue, perhaps schedule in a chat with your lecturer or wellbeing team and talk about some positive steps they can make to help you feel more at ease.

If all else fails and you really are unhappy to the point it’s not sustainable, there is absolutely nothing wrong with leaving and accepting that college isn’t for you. Further eduction isn’t something that serves everyone the same and it’s okay to explore different paths if you’re confident it would help your mental health and happiness. Don’t beat yourself up for the way you’re feeling as that will only add to the pressure, but just know that whatever choice you make will bring different opportunities for happiness and success so you will be okay no matter what!

Best of luck and keep your head up- you got this!

Hey love! So sorry to hear you’re having a rubbish time at Uni, it’s such a tough experience that people always claim is the best time of their lives and it puts so much pressure on everyone! The TikToks for freshers have already started rolling in and everyone looks like they’re having the best time, getting along with all their housemates, heading to their classes, loving life, but I can tell you that was not my experience at all. I found it really hard to adjust to a new room, being away from home, the pressure to keep going out to make friends because I hadn’t found many people I really clicked with, the list goes on! I also found the work itself so different to school, they kind of just let you get on with it and I really didn’t “get” how to succeed with it until my final year. I did a sandwich course which meant I worked a year in the industry after my second year and I found I adapted to it so much better. I much prefer working in allotted hours, I made great connections (people I still keep in touch with now) it made me realise that I’d be absolutely fine in the real world and to not be bothered that Uni wasn’t really for me. I think in your case you have to look at what is making you unhappy, really try and decipher what you can change to start enjoying it more. Is it friends/living accommodation/social life? Be proactive in making your life better and if it’s really not going to work, then leave! It’s a big decision but if it’s really not for you, there’s no point continuing to make yourself unhappy. There’s a famous phrase “If it’s not going to affect you in 5 years, don’t worry about it for more than 5 minutes” and even though leaving could change the course of your life, if you work hard you’ll be in a great place in 5 years, degree or not. Be brave and trust your instincts!

Oh girl I feel ya! I’ve had a similar situation with bosses in past internships and also with difficult housemates over the years- asserting yourself when you’re a naturally anxious person is hard so try not to beat yourself up about it first and foremost! To start with I’d suggest maybe doing some journalling just for your own peace of mind and to just get out all of those pent up frustrations and anger towards your boss as I often found myself really bottling up those feelings which made it harder to go into work with a neutral mindset. Scribble down everything that’s bubbling over in your mind and then rip it up or burn it (safely, of course!) and I guarantee you’ll feel an immediate weight lifted as you take a little bit of power back. Also, check in with yourself and remember your worth. You are valuable to your company, you bring good ideas and work hard, you care enough to write into us here at Zoella- I have no doubt you are a great employee and you deserve better than this!

Practically, unfortunately you might have to make some changes to how you engage with him in the workplace in order for your boss to give you greater respect and notice a change in your willingness to put up with his lack of professionalism. It’s frustrating to feel like you need to change your behaviour when you’re not in the wrong, but ultimately it sounds like he needs a bit of a reality check to really impact his manner in the workplace. Perhaps try being a bit more definitive and to the point with the way you speak to your boss both via email and IRL- try to avoid saying ‘maybe’ when you really want to say ‘no’ and be sure and confident of your answers rather than doubting yourself. You deserve respect and the sooner he realises you can’t be walked all over the better.

Ultimately if all else fails it sounds like a conversation may need to be had in which you raise these issues and communicate how you’re feeling maturely and confidently. I know this is far, far easier said than done, but tackling the problem head on and making him aware that he is being unprofessional and not treating you fairly might shock him into rethinking his ways. It’s possible he’s not totally aware of how you feel and so being as honest as you can be with him is likely your best chance of getting straight to the root of the problem. Top tip: wear a killer outfit on the day of this meeting.

I really hope things improve for you soon and best of luck with everything!
x

Hello lovely,

Thank you for reaching out to us about this one. As a hopeless people pleaser, I can 100% relate but I too am trying to live a life unburdened by the expectations of others.

It’s completely natural to seek the approval and validation from others and generally speaking, it can be positive and affirming to get someone else’s approval on everything from career moves to relationships, outfits and beyond but it becomes problematic when we put external validation and the opinions of others above our own feelings and intuitions. This imbalance has only been exacerbated with the advent of Instagram and the social currency of likes, shares and very public validation, so you’re definitely not alone. It feels good to be agreed with, understood and liked but it should never be at the cost of our own beliefs and values. Oh no, no, no.

The million-dollar question is how do you break that cycle and look internally for validation and approval? I guess acceptance is a big part of it: you can’t be all the things to all the people (that would be bloody exhausting) but you can be YOU. Totally and unapologetically.
I don’t know the exact context of your situation, whether you’re finding it difficult to say no to friends for fear of letting people down, or holding back from opportunities because you’re worried about being criticised or disliked but I’d say a good place to start is by listening to you and learning to live life on your terms. What do you think about a certain decision and what’s important for you? Whenever you feel yourself about to reach out to someone else, get into the habit of asking yourself first. There’s nothing wrong with chatting things through with a pal and getting a second opinion but ultimately, it’s your own approval that matters most.

When it comes to your achievements and proud moments, however small, acknowledge them and write them down. Start investing in your self-esteem and figure out a way to get what you need from you instead of other people. Cultivate little healthy habits that allow you to recognise how much you’re thriving in your own lane!

Build a sound sense of self-trust and acceptance and you’ll soon be able to take other people’s opinions with a pinch of salt because ultimately it is your life to live and you can’t go far wrong with following your own heart.

Oh, and lastly – whenever you’re having a bit of a confidence wobble, take a social media break. Comparison is the thief of joy and sometimes we need to take a break from the constant updates from other people’s lives to reconnect with the path we’re on.

Over to you! I hope you can dig deep and learn to be your own cheerleader.

Loads of love,
Lareese x