Self-pleasure is natural. It’s healthy, it’s stressbusting and it’s an ELITE form of self-care but hey, there’s a time and place. Agreed? If the impulse to touch yourself is starting to have a negative effect on your life, your relationships, or your work, then it might be worth discussing with a mental health professional. To borrow an iconic quote from Sex Education, if you’ve been wanking all night, had four packets of crumpets and you think your clit might fall off, then it might be time to get to the bottom of what these compulsive urges are really about.
From self-pleasure to self-doubt, we’ll also be discussing how using someone else as a benchmark for your own worth is the death of joy. The comparison trap tracks us all down at some point: when our friends are making strides in their careers, settling down before us or, as is the case in this month’s BYAM, passing their driving test first time whilst some of us have yet to find a driving instruction willing to share a car with us….
It can feel like the whole world is thriving besides you but PSA: thoughts aren’t facts and comparison is the fugliest nastiest skank bitch we’ve ever met. Do not trust her. Your personal values are the only standards you need to compete with.
Elsewhere, we’ll be dishing out some of our finest advice on first ever date nerves and dealing with trust issues after an emotionally abusive relationship, so get clicking through the gallery to read the team’s replies.
Next year, we’ll be shaking up our BYAM offering, so if there’s anything you’d love to see us change up for the series, we’d love to hear from you! Get in touch – betweenyouandme@zoella.co.uk
Danielle
Hello love, I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of your Mum and the subsequent anxiety it has been causing you. It definitely sounds like quite a rare situation that I doubt many of your friends and family have experienced, which always makes it harder for people to understand exactly what you’re going through. When family members pass you would think the worst part is them actually passing but actually, sometimes it’s all the stress and grief they leave behind that affects people more, especially as you weren’t as close. It’s hard to talk to your family about the situation as they won’t want you to downplay your relationship with your mum and basically say you’re not as bothered about it as them, so I would maybe refrain from telling them the truth and just tell them how you’re feeling quite anxious and stressed and would appreciate them backing off a little to help you process everything in your own way. Grief affects us all differently and them coming to you for things/needing your time is negatively affecting your mental health. I would also make sure you process your grief properly and try not to worry as much about Uni work, it’s super important right now but in the long run, you don’t want to regret putting too much significance on schooling over your relationship with your siblings. Make sure you’re taking time for yourself whether that be meditating, exercising or a relaxing bath, take each day as it comes, and remember your University is there to help you work through this kind of thing too. Sending hugs xx
Lareese
Hello lovely,
Thanks for writing in for BYAM.
Driving anxiety is incredibly common (something we’re hoping to touch on in an article next year actually!), from the tests themselves to driving roads you’re not familiar with and driving at night (a big fear of mine), it’s that feeling of being out of control and all the potential things that could go wrong. Add in classic exam nerves and covid postponements on top of that and it’s really no wonder you’re feeling stuck in a rut with it.
First thing’s first – take a leaf out of Adele’s book and go easy on yourself. Comparisonitus is a real dick – we all do it, but how long it took your friends to pass their test is none of your business. You do you, boo! Stay in your lane. It takes as long as it takes and all I can say is no one (literally no one) will ever ask you how long / how many times it took you to pass. Once you’ve got that shiny pink license, you become someone who drives or someone who doesn’t and that’s where the conversation ends. It likely feels like a huge deal right now because you’re in it and it probably feels like the whole world has passed their test besides you – fomo sucks – but once you’ve got your own set of wheels and you’re hitting the open road as a qualified driver, all of the stress of getting there will be a distant memory. If anything, it’ll feel even more momentous when you get that sweet “P” plate.
I feel like driving is such a niche skill and it’s one of those things that either comes naturally to you or it doesn’t. I was certainly in the latter camp. I could not master the art of reverse round a corner for the life of me. One thing I would say to help calm your nerves is talk to yourself! I’ve got a friend learning to drive at the moment and she said during lessons, it has helped her enormously to talk herself through what she needs to do step-by-step. There’s no reason why you couldn’t do that in your test, too!
Create a little calming ritual to practise before your next test. Breathwork techniques could be something worth trying to channel that nervous energy along with positive affirmations to go through the evening before and on the morning of your test. Make sure you’re just the right amount of hydrated haha (you don’t want a full bladder if you’re nervous but equally water helps us focus), well-rested and as prepared as you can, mentally and physically. Get into the habit of thinking this is something that’s coming your way. Manifest the first playlist you’re going to put on when you’re legally allowed to drive a car all on your own. One day you will absolutely be able to toot your own horn – and who bloody cares how long it took you to toot it!
In the meantime, keep on trucking. There’s no such thing as taking too much time to pass, my friend. It’s frustrating and expensive, I hear you but you WILL get your chance to call all fellow drivers wankers and sing Taylor Swift at the top of your lungs whilst on a scenic route through the countryside, and you can’t put a price on that haha.
Charlotte
Hi lovely! I feel you SO MUCH on this issue. I also had the worst anxiety when learning to drive and I think it’s important to recognise that whilst our friends etc may find the experience a smooth one, there are so many valid reasons as to why driving causes problems for so many. Firstly, I think it’s important to try and banish the comparison aspect of what you’re feeling and reaffirm to yourself that everyone is so different in situations like this, so comparing yourself to your peers will only be adding extra pressure in an already intense scenario. There are no doubt so many things you are great at and situations you thrive in that your friends find more challenging, so it’s important to remind yourself that not everyone’s path is going to be the same, and that’s okay!
Next, how are you feeling about your current instructor? The person that you learn from and who guides you through this process is super important, and there are anxiety and nervous driver specific instructors out there that it might be worth looking into to help you on this journey. I think feeling not only comfortable but also empowered and capable of passing is going to be so important for you, and the right person teaching you will 100% be able to give you that confidence. Mindset is a big thing in a driving test, because most likely you’re actually a very capable and good driver, it’s just the nerves and anxiety that get the better of you! It may be worth looking into getting a confidence/lifestyle coach to help you work through some of these limiting beliefs and give you the confidence to know that this is a possibility for you! Some more simple tools you could look into yourself might be breathing techniques and affirmations to calm you down in the test scenario, as I am 100% sure you have it in you to pass, it’s just a case of believing in yourself and the process!
Best of luck and please do let us know when you pass- I bet it will be sooner than you think!
Danielle
Hello love, thank you so much for writing in about your experience with this kind of relationship, a lot of the problems that come into the inbox are people stuck in the middle of an issue but it seems like the situation you’ve described is over and you just need advice on how to process it – which is extremely healthy! Firstly, a massive well-done for removing yourself from that situation as it absolutely sounds toxic, and you being able to take yourself out of it instead of putting up with it is extremely brave and commendable. It sounds like this guy was pretty selfish and had no regard for your feelings whatsoever which does not make for a very fulfilling or healthy relationship. It’s really sh*t that one of your first romantic relationships was with someone that awful and I really hope it doesn’t affect you too much with future partners as men like him are definitely in the minority, but I also wouldn’t blame you if that was the case! Just remember to be open and honest with those partners so they understand where you’ve been. It might be worth writing down some positive things to manifest every morning like; you are worthy, you are important, you are a joy to be around, and you deserve someone who treats you with the same respect you treat them. Wishing you all the best of luck with future relationships, you know the red flags and you know how to be strong and get out of something if it’s not good for you. Now go out and get out of your comfort zone because that’s the best way to grow 🙂
Charlotte
Hi anon, firstly thanks so much for being brave enough to write in and share your experience with us as it sounds like you’ve really been through a lot in dealing with this! Reading your email was one big, almighty red flag for me and I think you’re only just starting to realise the gravity of how toxic this person was now that you’re out of the situation- something that is super common in abusive relationships. It’s completely understandable that you would feel a sense of unease and a lack of trust with potential future relationships, because when someone is manipulative and controlling, they undermine our sense of self, our experiences and generally how we feel day to day, which means in the aftermath we doubt ourselves, and the protective part of our brains wants us to avoid future relationships for fear of the same thing happening again. What I will say is that just because this experience has been so big for you, it is not the be all and end all of how your future relationships will go. It’s really unfortunate that at such a young age this has been your experience because I think it will have shaped how you feel about romantic partners, but please know that the immaturity and toxicity of this person is not something that is inevitable in relationships to come.
Forming a close bond with someone should be a two way street, and for whatever reason this person didn’t have the capacity or desire to give the same time, energy and commitment that you did. When you meet someone who IS willing to do that, I promise things will fall into place with such ease that you will wonder how you were willing to settle for less. The brilliant thing is you were in fact able to recognise in the end that this person wasn’t good for you, and I hope you’ve been able to wrap yourself up in a bundle of love and self compassion for this because it is no easy feat, but does show me that you are ready and open for better things to come.
It seems everything I do at the moment comes back to Taylor Swift, but if you haven’t already I’d really recommend watching the All Too Well short film or reading the lyrics to the extended cut of this song, because it really does sums up toxic, manipulative and gaslight heavy relationships to a tee. You might find some solace (I know I did!) in knowing that your experience is one that so many have gotten through and that it’s possible to go on and find healthy relationships in the future, despite how difficult and impactful this experience feels right now.
Sending endless love and light and remember this is just a tiny chapter that does not define you!
Darcey
This is such a good question, I agree you must feel ready and happy to date, but also on the flipside sometimes just meeting some new people and having fun with no pressure is also a good time. I wonder why you don’t feel ready to date and what is holding you back? I think if it’s anxiety to do with past trauma around dating / relationships, holding off and putting yourself first is wise as you don’t want to push yourself when you are feeling uncomfortable and scared. However, if it’s a self-confidence / worrying about rejection reason, then I think put yourself out there! Dating genuinely can be very scary and I am someone who fears rejection, but after going on a few dates I realised they are basically just like interviews to see if you even get along, and they might turn around and say they aren’t interested, but also the power is in your hands too! I think most people want to be liked and worry about dating because of this, fear of rejection is a reallll thing and I think more people struggle with this than you think. I could be way off and actually you just aren’t sure you can be bothered with dating, which is also totally okay! If you are feeling this way, maybe leave it until dating excites you again. However, it sounds like you’ve met someone you vibe with so maybe try another date and see how it goes? Going on another date doesn’t mean it has to go anywhere, so there’s still plenty of time to cut it off if you do decide it’s not for you. I think if you do decide dating isn’t for you right now, just be open and honest with this person, they’ll appreciate that, I’m sure.
All the best in the future! Darcey X
Lareese
Hello!
Thanks for submitting your BYAM problem. I say ‘problem’ in finger quotes as I don’t think self-pleasure, generally, is a problem. I guess it depends how often you’re talking! If you’re having to make excuses to disappear off to the loo several times a day whilst working, then it might be a little excessive but hey, we’re all different with wonderfully diverse libidos.
However, if it’s got to a point where you’re masturbating when you don’t really want to, you’re in pain, you’re hiding bank statements for those late-night porn hauls or it’s preventing you from doing your job, then I’d say that’s a pretty good indication something’s out of sync and it might be worth reaching out to get some professional treatment, either by speaking 1-1 with a specialist or attending sex addict anonymous groups. Once it’s started to negatively affect your daily-life or you can no longer control the compulsive urges to masturbate, I think that’s the point you might consider psychological help.
If it’s a case of experiencing feelings of guilt or shame around masturbating, then know that you’re not alone. Self-pleasure education still has a long way to go, particularly if you’re female (hello orgasm gap) but masturbation is a natural and joyful way to experience pleasure and has plenty of health benefits but the lack of open conversation certainly makes it feel like a real taboo. Reminder: You are entitled to explore your sexual fantasies!
Good luck with everything and well done for opening up about it.
Lareese x
