Between You & Me: Exploring Your Sexuality in a LTR, Clashing Libidos & The Friendship Dump

Claiming he’s too busy to text you back? We’re not gonna lie, it’s giving Simon Leviev.

In May’s BYAM, we’re working through some serious life BS otherwise known as simply trying to exist in our present-day dystopian hellscape. Who knew being an adult would be this exhausting. Stop the ride, we want to get off.

From sex drive discrepancies and friendships that have officially passed their sell-by date to navigating the hard questions that come with marriage and exploring your sexuality when you’re in a monogamous long-term relationship. Keep scrolling to read the team’s no-nonsense advice!

Charlotte says…

This is so tricky- I definitely felt this a lot in my previous relationship and would also have a tendency to take it personally. I think it can be easily done so I understand your partners concerns, but also think it’s a good opportunity to establish new boundaries. Personally, my love language is quality time so I’d always feel a bit dejected if my BF wanted to chill alone, which could be the case for your partner too? I’d suggest doing the love languages test and finding out if this is the case too- if so I think one easy remedy would be carving out specific time in your week where you’re spending quality time together, making memories and dedicating space to each other, which should fulfil this need for them and hopefully naturally create some space in between for you too.

We all need time to rest and recharge, and I think having personal space is a really healthy thing in a relationship, so don’t back down on the fact that this is important for you. Vocalise your needs, and communicate that in the same way they need time together, you also need to balance this with space to breathe and fully appreciate the time you do spend with one another! One quote I love is “you are individuals first and partners second”, so your needs and mental health should be a top priority, always.

Maddie says…

Everyone has different love languages and it sounds like your partners is “quality time”. Understanding how we like to be appreciated can be a game changer in a relationship. Equally they need to understand that you’re two individuals that have different needs and they need to respect your need for space too. It’s all about how you communicate this desire for alone time. There’s a difference between saying “give me space/I want to be alone” and “I really would love to just relax by myself for a few hours, can we do something later?”.

Darcey says…

From the offset, he is NOT the perfect guy! I’m so sorry to say so bluntly, but someone who barely contacts you is not the one, communicating with you is the bare minimum and you deserve so much better! I’ve totally been there before with guys before, you meet and vibe so well but their communication sucks, but you can’t stop thinking about how well you got on and that maybe that will all come back if you see them. However, in my experience the lack of communication is really just a lack of interest, if he wanted to he would. My advice is sack him off, his bloody loss and get yourself back out there!

Liv says…

The main thing I would question is that if he has always been like this or has his attention been taken somewhere else since meeting. If he’s always been bad at messaging and he really is the perfect guy I would try and find ways to work around this. Maybe make more time for calls or seeing more of each other, you might even see a bigger bond forming! If messaging is really important to you then I would have an open conversation with them and find a middle ground, compromise is key. If his attention has gone, then I think it could be a sign that something else is going on in their life, and if you’re getting the feeling it isn’t going to work out, respect yourself and go find something even more perfect!

Lareese says….

Oh babes, show me one person in a long-term relationship who hasn’t gone through the ol’ dry spell. For me personally, it’s not that deep (providing you’re both on the same page). Our sex drive fluctuates depending on so many things from stress to illness, booze and sleep – it ebbs and flows – but if it’s making you doubt your relationship, it’s drastically different to your usual frequency or affecting your happiness, then it’s important you vocalise your needs with your partner. There’s a huge difference between a dry spell and a long-term disinterest in sex and the impact of that physical and emotional distance on your self-esteem can be huge. We all want to be wanted after all! Explain how it’s making you feel, communicate your frustrations and prioritise your pleasure for sure. Don’t hold back because it’ll only cause resentment or tension within the relationship the longer you let it stew. Spell it out, no shame, tell them sex is your love language, you’re feeling a little distant lately and it’s high time you had a f*cking orgasm. The important thing is that you’re both satisfied with the amount of sex you’re having and the sooner you have the convo, the better or else nothing will change. Best of luck!

Danielle says…

Ah the libido limbo, matching your partner’s desires for sex is such a complicated area isn’t it? You can have such an amazing relationship outside of sex and even a great sex life (when you’re having it) but if one person doesn’t feel like their needs are being met then resentment and self-esteem issues can certainly follow. Do you think you’ve always had a higher sex drive or is this something that has started to become a problem more recently? If the latter I’d approach your partner with a lot of sensitivity and ask if they are stressed or if it’s something they had thought about. If it has always been an issue I think it’s just something you’ll have to weigh up in terms of staying in the relationship, I don’t think you can really expect your partner to change their habits. There are certainly things you can do to spice it up a bit and bring the excitement back into your sex life as well as having plenty of solo time as well.

Charlotte says…

It’s always sad when friendships feel like they’re coming to a natural end, with no argument or bad blood, nothing major to write home about, just the feeling that things are different between you and there’s a space between you that wasn’t there before. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this!

I actually recently saw an Instagram post about reaching out to friends which came into mind when I saw your dilemma, because I think we often overcomplicate and create a negative story in our heads around things like this when actually all that’s needed is a little communication!

Of course it depends why you’ve drifted apart and if you want to keep that friendship going (which it sounds like you do!), but maybe all you need is to get some regular plans in the diary, up the texting regularity and add a bit of spice back into the friendship. As with all relationships we can go through periods of feeling a bit stagnant, but it’s never too late to show someone how much you care. If they’re truly a good friend I would hope they’ll reciprocate your increased effort too. Good luck!

Darcey says…

Hi anon! Firstly thank you for writing in and sharing this with us, I’m sure your head feels pretty scrambled at the moment. Sexuality I believe is an ever changing thing, whether that be who we are attracted to, who we want to have sex with and even new sexual experiences we’d like to try. I definitely don’t think you should ignore or suppress these feelings, you don’t want to get 5 years down the line with your current boyfriend and end up resenting him or yourself for never having the freedom to explore your sexuality. On the other hand how your approach this subject with your boyfriend is complex, I don’t know him, but you’ll know how open he would be to trying new things.

Open relationships are a great way to meet new people romantically or just physically and explore your sexuality, but of course both parties would have to be comfortable with this. You could also think about looking for a third sexual partner for both you and your boyfriend, threesomes could allow you to explore with your partner still being involved, but you would definitely need to be very honest about wanting to explore your sexuality to your boyfriend and not just saying you’d like to have a threesome. There are a lot of dating style apps where you can find others interested in threesomes, so I think it’s pretty easy to get connected with likeminded people! Lastly I’d say that of course leaving your boyfriend to explore your sexuality is always an option, but an incredibly difficult decision I’m sure and not something I’d want to advise myself as I think that comes down to you and what feels right.

You are number one in your life remember and sometimes we do have to upset people to do right by ourselves, you’ll figure it all out and I hope you have some friends you can lean on too for advice!

Danielle says…

I think it’s so important to understand who you are and explore sexually especially when you are young and figuring stuff out. I know you’ve said you really love your boyfriend but if you don’t get to find these things out now I think you’ll end up resenting him in the long run.

Have an open and honest conversation with him and see if he’d be open to taking a break, or maybe even opening up your relationship. If he’d deadset on not allowing you to explore that side of yourself then I’d break up with him, which I know is harsh but sometimes you really have to put yourself first.

Maddie says…

Talking about the future and what you want it to look like is part of being in a committed long term relationship. I personally think just be really honest and have an open conversation about feeling ready for children. If you feel you need something to help bring up the topic, perhaps suggest spending time with friends/family that have small children or someone you know is expecting as a way to introduce the idea more subtly.

Liv says…

I’m going to guess that this is that you’d like to start trying for a baby, if so that is so exciting! I would make sure that it’s an open and honest chat between the two of you where both your voices can be heard. Also be clear about what you would like and listen and respect your husbands point of view. If you’re both ready then thats amazing! If not, then it isn’t the end of the world and I’m sure a compromise can be made. It’s really important that you are both happy with the outcome of the conversation.