In 2015, Author and PR consultant Sophie Tanner tied the knot in a sologamist ceremony in Brighton, complete with white wedding dress, bridesmaids, and her darling four-legged ring bearer, Ella.

Prompted by a string of unfaithful boyfriends and a downward spiral of depression, Sophie decided marrying herself was the ultimate act of self-love and therein lies the inspiration for her Bridget-Jones style novel, only Mr Darcy is noticeably absent in Tanner’s version.

Loosely based on Sophie’s own personal experiences, her aptly titled debut novel Reader, I Married Me tells the story of newly-single Chloe Usher. After breaking up with the love of her life, her friends tell her to get back out there and bag the man of her dreams but after a disastrous date and one too many gins, she has a revelation – she doesn’t need a man to make her happy. She can choose herself. Disenchanted by men and online dating, she embarks on a somewhat bumpy road to self-discovery, culminating in her iconic solo wedding day.

Tanner’s hot take on the classic rom-com serves as a welcome tonic for anyone who’s ever felt the stigma of singledom in their thirties or the pressure to be married to feel validated. Reader, I Married Me is your reminder that you don’t need someone else to complete you.

If you’re looking for your next piece of feminist Up Lit, don’t let this one pass you by.

Keep reading to find out what the team thought of February’s book club!

Lareese’s thoughts…

You know exactly what you’re getting with Tanner’s glorious tour de force Reader, I Married Me and I appreciate that kind of transparency in a book. No one likes a blurb that reels you in only to let you down.

It’s a fun and uplifting read with an empowering message about self-love and learning to live life on your terms, regardless of societal expectations and norms. The characters are thoughtfully crafted and well-observed, with a few grating antagonists thrown in there for good measure. Giles and Linda, I’m looking at you, you weasels. I loved the Brighton setting and felt this leant the story a lovely energy reminiscent of the vibrant city I know and preach about often. For fellow Brightonians, you’ll have no trouble picturing exactly where the events of the novel play out.

For anyone who’s ever been ridiculed for being 30+ single and happy, or met with blank expressions when you’ve bellowed, ‘I DON’T NEED A MAN’ from your chest, consider this book your readerly match. Sophie Tanner understood the assignment loud and clear.

Rating: 4/5
Would you recommend: Would marry it.

Charlotte’s thoughts…

Reader, I Married Me was the ultimate nostalgic read, feeling to me like a cross between the Confessions of a Shopaholic series I loved in my teens, with the humour and wit of Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging. It felt really novel reading a book actually set in Brighton and being able to imagine the scenes coming to life in the place Team Zoella call home, so I’d really recommend it to any Brightonians who are all about celebrating the charm and quirks of this wonderful city! At times I feel like the writing style was a little young and again something I would have loved in my teens, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing and in fact made for an easy read I think would be great poolside on your summer holiday.

I loved watching Chloe’s journey and her personal growth throughout, and know her progress from heartbreak to healing is one so many will resonate with and enjoy celebrating alongside her! The book had it’s fair share of warm, likeable characters as well as some love-to-hate folks you quite fancy shoving off the pier, but overall it was a lovely tale of changing perspectives, learning from life’s hardest lessons and celebrating the joy that is loving YOU. I’m taking notes from Chloe (and Sophie!) and will think of her self-wedding every time I pass the bandstand.

Rating: 4/5
Would you recommend? Yes! Perfect summer beach read.

Danielle’s thoughts…

Normally when you think of ‘self-love’ books your mind heads straight to non-fiction rubbish with lots of homework and positive vibes. But Sophie manages to convey the importance of this topic so well through her story and the whole thing left me smiling from ear to ear. As Charlotte mentions, this is the perfect sun-soaked summer read when you just want to be entertained by easy prose, fun characters, and a lovely message. The Brighton setting was specific and I could feel myself navigating the specific streets through the book albeit with a rose-tinted Hollywood lense!

I think truly loving yourself is one of the most important things you can do in life, why shouldn’t we appreciate ourselves as much as we do our friends and family? I hate the narrative that you always have to be looking for a partner if you’re single and the pedestal relationships get put on over chilling by yourself. I hate that life (holidays, food shopping, house ownership etc) is easier as a two and think we should normalise people putting themself first, Chloe’s desire to achieve this is super admirable and I like to think I’d be inspired to do the same if I was single. It felt modern and fresh and makes favourites like Bridget Jones feel a little outdated. If you’re struggling with self-confidence, unlucky in love or even if you’re planning a wedding I think many would really enjoy this read.

Rating: 3.5/5
Would you recommend: For anyone after a beach read this summer!

Darcey’s thoughts…

I’ll admit from the offset that I was unsure when I started reading Reader, I Married Me, I wasn’t convinced I was going to get into the book and usually when this happens I find it hard to continue on! However, I found myself starting to really enjoy the sentiment behind the book of self-love. Although marrying yourself is not the norm, I think it goes way beyond that and reminds not only single women but everyone that actually happiness does start with yourself. I also do really enjoy a chic-flick, rom-com style book and film, so that aspect was nice as it brings a funny and light-hearted aspect to the reading.

I think a lot of women especially, but to be honest anyone who is dating in modern times, can relate to Chloe’s relationship failures and especially online dating (hands up if you’ve been personally victimised by Tinder). Although I’m not sure I would marry myself quite yet, I do think there is a LOT to be said about learning who you are as a person and dedicating more time to that. We do live in a society that seeks happiness from other outlets, but we spend 24/7 with our body and mind, so how can we be happy if we don’t love ourselves?!

Would definitely recommend this book for anyone after a light-hearted but also thought-provoking read, it’s absolutely made me think more about how I can prioritise myself more.

Rating: 4/5
Would you recommend?: Yes!

Since her first post back in April 2020, Slime Artist Gabriella Anouk has swiftly become a TikTok sensation, amassing 400K+ followers and millions of views on the video-based social media platform. 

At 27 years old, she is one of the first and most influential young British artists to have rocketed to fame on the app after sharing her artistic journey and unique behind-the-scenes process. 

From slime drenched peaches to artichokes and avocados, Gabriella adds a sensual new twist to some of life’s most ordinary objects, creating fascinating and meticulously hand-drawn art, some of which take her over 100 hours to complete.  

Gabriella has since consolidated a career as a self-made artist and businesswoman, demonstrating how bringing fine art to a platform such as TikTok can help engage young audiences with fine art techniques and showcase a new empowered model of producing, sharing and owning artwork. 

Having recently launched her first hyperrealism ‘Slime Series’ – a seven-piece collection of her hand-drawn works, we caught up with her to find out more about the fascinating world of slime. You simply won’t believe it’s not paint. 

On a scale of HB to Prisma, how is 2022 treating you so far, ha!?

Love the way you worded this! 2022 has been Caran D’ache level so far! It has been incredible. I’m still buzzing from the launch party of The Slime Series last month, and have just released these on my website too, so it’s been a very busy and exciting start to the year!

A slime artist sounds like the coolest job title in the world. The idea first came to you in lockdown, tell us about how you got into it and why TikTok felt like the perfect platform to share your work with the world?

It was around this time last year when I started to feel dissatisfied with my art practice and felt like I needed a change. So I started to experiment with dipping my household objects in paint and dripping them in slime, photographing them hundreds of times and then drawing them. I shared it all on TikTok. TikTok to me is an exciting ‘candid’ style video based platform in which I can openly share my artworks without overcomplicating things. Because of lockdown, it was my only real connection to the outside world. So I started to share my entire process, from start to finish and people seemed to really engage with it, more than I had ever experienced on platforms like Instagram and Facebook before. It opened up a whole new world for me.

What is it about working with slime specifically that inspires you?

The texture – I love how shiny and synthetic it is! I also like slime because of the way it can entirely change, manipulate and turn an average, everyday object into something unique and sculpture-like. It’s different every time you use it and that uncertainty is so appealing to me. I started off using paint, dripping and submerging objects in it. However, I found paint to be quite limiting because once you dip something in paint you can’t reverse it. Slime was appealing to me because of how versatile it is. You can drip it onto an object, peel it off, and repeat as many times as you like. Another reason I use slime is because it is so unnatural. It has been such a unique material to work with.

Congratulations on your Slime Series exhibition! You’ve achieved so much in such a short space of time. What’s been your biggest learning so far both on a personal and professional /business level? 

Thank you! My biggest learning so far would probably be to not be so afraid of trying something new. Before The Slime Series I was mainly working on commission based pieces and lost my own ‘artistic voice’. The Slime Series was so different and scary to me but I’m so glad I went for it. From a business level my main learning so far is to surround yourself with people you 100% trust and together you can make great things happen.

How instrumental has TikTok been for giving you a platform to showcase your work and reach new audiences? 

Hugely. TikTok in particular has a very high engagement rate. Some of my videos have upwards of 30,000 comments with one video reaching over 17 million views. This kind of engagement is incredible and the feedback is hugely encouraging for me and has become a driving force in my practice sparking my creativity in unusual ways. Quid pro quo!

Disruption, chaos, attraction, revulsion and physicality are important themes throughout your work, can you tell us more about that and the essence of your hyperrealism works? 

As my drawings are so controlled and take a really long time, it’s important to me that the actual subject I’m drawing is disrupted in some sort of way. The juxtaposition of a beautiful, natural piece of fruit against synthetic, almost vulgar, shiny slime is so attractive and interesting. I take a lot of inspiration from Dali’s work and his absurdism. I find it fascinating. I’ve always loved his absurd and surreal style, creating bizarre images of the mundane and everyday naturally gives these paradoxes. I also love to explore the role of light and reflection on the subject, to capture that subtle interaction of light on the surface is so vital in creating a piece which looks hyperrealistic.

Tough question but out of the seven-piece work in progress Slime Series, do you have a favourite child…

Actually, that’s a super easy one for me! It’s the first piece in the series Avocado Dali. It kind of saved me from a bit of a dark place and was the catalyst to The Slime Series. I owe that piece so much and I don’t think I’ll ever let it go.

Some of your projects take 100+ hours, how do your hands handle it? I think I got a blister from writing in pencil for an hour once. 

Haha, I do get blisters but my fingers have sort of morphed and hardened in certain places so blisters don’t happen too often but I do get this weird cramp all up my forearm and my leaning elbow is in a bad way at the moment! 

What’s the longest you’ve ever spent on anyone drawing? 

200 hours. Pomegranate Amour, the last drawing in the Slime Series.. I also had COVID half way through it so decided to quarantine for the ten days in my studio and draw. Which worked out quite well! That’s a pretty special piece to me. 

Emojis are often a point of reference for your drawing. If you could create an emoji, what would it be? 

A pomegranate!! Why there isn’t one already I don’t know. It’s such a cool fruit and has so much symbolism about love. 

You often ask your followers what they’d like to see you dipping in slime next, what’s your most popular request? 

Ooh tough one!! Bananas were a very popular request so I did that but some of my favourite ones have been carrot, beetroot and cherries. I think if I ever were to revisit the Slime Series I’d draw one of those three. 

Talk us through your creative process and technique – you create art that looks like slime using pencils and only pencils? Make it make sense haha, I’m mind blown! 

I like working three dimensional to start with, really getting to know my subject from all angles, photographing and filming the process as I go. And then I use colouring pencils, no solvent or blending tools to draw it. I use a technique in which I layer pencil colour on top of pencil colour very gently until it builds up a rich colour. It’s very time consuming but a very satisfying process. I think I like the challenge of creating something using one tool – or I just like to make life difficult for myself.. who knows! 

Pink crops up in your work a fair amount. Do you have a favourite colour to work with and why? 

Good eye, yes pink is my favourite colour. It just speaks to me and I’m so drawn to it (pardon the pun!). It’s a very sexy yet sensual and sweet colour. Be prepared for more pink in the next series, that’s all I’m saying! 

What’s on your vision board for 2022, what’s next for you? 

Showcase the Slime Series in different parts of the world. Work on a couple of exciting commissions, NFTs and of course start my next series! 

What’s your best advice for any aspiring artists out there?

Go for it and don’t be afraid of making mistakes. Mistakes are the best way you will ever learn to master a new craft. I wish I had learnt that sooner.

If you were to guess, just how many pencil shavings are in your office at the end of a working day? 

Ooooh.. this is tough!! My pencil sharpener turns the shavings into dust so I would say maybe a glass full of pencil shaving dust?!

One thing everyone assumes about you is…

I really have no idea! But one thing people usually assume of my pieces is that they were created using paint. 

Who inspires you?

This changes all the time but for The Slime Series, Dali was a huge inspiration. 

Is artist’s block a thing? What do you do on those days when you’re just not feeling creatively inspired to pick up your pencils?

Artist block is definitely a thing, yes! I struggled with it quite badly just before starting The Slime Series.. My best advice for this is 1. to go ahead and create some really ugly art. Set out to make the ugliest drawing you’ve ever drawn. It helps get rid of the negative energy and frees up space for fresh new art.. I hope that makes sense. 2. Another way to get rid of artist’s block is to do something out of your comfort zone. For example, if you’re a colouring pencil artist, try using paint or charcoal and just go crazy with it. That usually helps me! 3. And lastly, take yourself out of ‘your space’, go for a walk, go to the kitchen and bake or see your friends. Just do something entirely different and ‘non-art-related’.

Describe your work in 3 words. Go!

 Colourful, sensual, risky!

Which celebrity home would you most like to see your artwork hanging in and why?

I love Anthony Hopkins. I think I would just die if he even saw my work. Although, I think Peachy should probably belong to Kim Kardashian… 

And finally, what’s been the proudest moment of your career so far?

Probably The Slime Series Exhibition that just happened in London… That was epic. 

For more information on Gabriella and The Slime Series, visit her website here.

Voice notes are the romantic correspondence of our generation, sealed with a loving mumble or simply signed off with an awkward “so yeah, not sure if that made any sense but…” because no one who’s ever started a voice note truly knows how to end one. The etiquette is fuzzy and human and therein lies the charm. 

They have become the holy grail of communication amongst friends, both those who still share the first letters of your postcode and those who don’t. These chatty bursts of familiarity,  unpolished ramblings, streams of consciousness and every shade of life from the softest light to the deepest hue of heartbreak, serve as a reminder that we’re connected, even when we feel like we’re adrift. 

It all lives here in waves of green and white; the sound of sisterhood.

You could be folding laundry, tidying your flat, putting cream on your cracked nipples or sobbing over your broken marriage, and voice notes will accompany you through all of it – from the mundane to the messy – both an easy-listening playlist of female greats and a sacred space to hear yourself out, the likes of which phone calls and text messages simply can’t compete with. 

A quick breathy catch-up. Being vulnerable on your terms. Somewhere for your heart to spill over. Wild feelings. Untamed. Unedited. Unafraid. Walls come down. How did the job interview go? I’ve been thinking. Podcast incoming. Choosing when to listen. Responding in your own time. Familiar voices you love. Honesty. No pressure. Just walking up a hill. Just waiting for a doctor’s appointment. Too rambly? Bin it. Extracts of emotion. A gentle way to check-in. Warmth. I think I’m gonna leave him. How are you actually feeling? It’s fucking freezing today. This is hard. Heartache. I’m still not pregnant. I’m sitting in my car waiting to go to the gym. That’s the first time I’ve actually said it out loud. I cried for a week. I hope you’ve put me on double time (X2). Omg, you need to read this book. It’s going really well actually. My neighbours kept me up shagging last night. It would be lovely to see you. I had a moment last week when I thought I can’t do this. This week’s been a lot. I’ve got the wedding blues. What are you wearing? Just to say. Confession time. I’m currently cleaning bath toys, this is what my life has come to. Sound bites of love. We don’t talk about Bruno. Honestly, I’m fine. I thought we could go for a roast. Let me know. Just quickly. I was listening to a podcast the other day and thought of you. It’s so nice to hear your voice. You’re enough. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I feel like a failure. Hangovers and food comas. I can update you all tomorrow. A little act of connection. I understand. When are we walking next? I forgot to tell you. How is your heart doing? Weekend debriefs and tragic dates. Infectious laughter. You did the right thing. Shall we book Mexico this week? Happy Wednesday. You bloody enjoy that cheese toasty and get back to me later. Faceless freedom. Did he find your clitoris in the end? Happiness and healing in green and white. I saw this TikTok the other day. Play button. Pause button. Really listening. Cooking dinner. I’m running late. Belly laughs. So was it an STI? Pouring wine. I’ll be honest. A mixed tape of emotions. Small talk. Big feelings. Snapshots of sisterhood. Good luck you’ll smash it. Thank you for coming to my TED talk. A moment of reckoning. Send me your new address pls. It’s so shit. Soothing. No spoilers. Have you done today’s Wordle? What did the results say? I just need to vent for a minute. Do we book a bottomless brunch? You’ll never guess what. Comfort. I can hear your vulnerability. Have a good day. I have a theory. A reminder that you’re not alone. Drama. Here it goes. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Thanks for listening. I just heard myself. Like being together, even when we’re not. Fill us in. Just checking in with you. Notes to nourish. Can we talk about Married At First Sight Australia. Storytime. This is hard for me to say. Gtg, I’ve got my smear. Sorry, my voice is all croaky, this is the first time I’ve had to use it all day. It’s good to talk. This really is a fucking podcast now. The limit does not exist. Something really embarrassing just happened. That must be hard. Grateful for you. 

⌃ words that water women. 

• Lap up the joys of the best national holiday of the year (obvs Pancake Day) on the 1st of the month and know that it will sadly be all downhill from here.  
• Decide one day isn’t enough and book a trip to Brighton purely to try the crème de la crème of pancake destinations courtesy of our Best Pancakes in Brighton & Hove article.

• Marvel at how light it is at 5pm on a daily basis and continue to bore your colleagues by saying it aloud at every opportunity. 
• Continually put off fixing the dodgy fence panel that Eunice had her way with. Sorry, neighbour.
• Wear only corsets, puff sleeves and scooped necklines in celebration of Bridgerton season 2 finally hitting screens, whilst also mourning the loss of the Duke. Gone but never forgotten.  
• Wonder why everyone and their mum is in Mexico and check Airbnb daily in the hopes of grabbing a bargain.

• Enjoy dramatically tossing a bag of Mini Eggs into your basket every time you have to go to the shops, making this whole ‘adulting’ thing marginally less painful. 
• Ensure there is a fresh bunch of tulips in the house at all times. It’s called self-care, look it up.
• Get a bit teary scrolling your feed on 8th March for International Women’s Day and feel an overwhelming sense of solidarity with your sisters from others misters.

• Spend your weekends Marie Kondo-ing the sh*t out of your place because Spring means that lingering pile of recycling has gotta go, stat.
• Give up for Lent. That’s it, that’s the tweet.
• While away an afternoon devouring Breathless by Amy McCulloch- our March book club pick FYI- and realise a good book is sometimes all the company you need.
• Rewatch *that* Love is Blind season finale before finding all the contestants on Instagram and becoming deeply invested in who follows who back. Side eye emojis galore.

• Revisit our 12 Spa Breaks That Won’t Break the Bank post and wonder why your New Year’s Resolution wasn’t ticking off one per month in 2022. Weekend staycay anyone?
• Shudder every time you open Tinder because Simon Leviev is still haunting your nightmares. 
• Realise it’s officially been 2 years since lockdown numero uno and admit that banana bread hasn’t hit the same since.
• Take the mumma figure in your life out for a well deserved afternoon tea for Mother’s Day and argue about whose order of jam and cream is bible. 

• Add face gems to your Amazon order because the Euphoria era isn’t over until we say it is.
• Tick off all the National Trust properties in your area and exclaim at how bloomin’ lovely the U.K is in Spring.
• Wonder on a daily basis if today is the day you achieve your Wordle personal best and if you can add ‘excellent problem solver’ to your CV because of it. 

It’s the *beigest* time of the year and if you’re not consuming a stupid amount of batter morning, noon and night and working the kitchen a la Matilda, you’re doing Pancake Day all wrong, lads. 

Whilst the stuff straight from the bottle is a lifesaver for forgetful/lazy girls everywhere (@me), nothing beats the fluffy American sort made with your own fair hands. They will always reign supreme in the upper echelons of pancake hierarchy. 

With that in mind, we’re sharing three ways to whip up a 5* stack this Shrove Tuesday so if you like your eggs cracked into a bed of milk and flour, then hit save on Zoe’s all-time favourite – and easy to follow – recipe, courtesy of the pancake king himself Jamie Oliver. Crepe fans, step aside! 

Once you’ve got the batter recipe down, you can graduate to fillings and decorations. Whether you’re a traditional gal or a fiend for a mukbang challenge, these three toppings are guaranteed to make sure you lock lips with a top tier pancake in 2022. 

Fruit & Yoghurt 

Gorgeous, gorgeous girls do their morning pages and eat pancakes with fruit and yogurt. Fill each layer of your stack with a dollop of tangy Greek yoghurt, top with fresh berries, a generous drizzle of honey or syrup and a light dusting of icing sugar. Sublime! 

The Chocolate Overdose

Pancakes for breakfast? That sounds a lot like deprivation to us. Breakfast, lunch and dinner is the only MO for Shrove Tuesday. Pancake Day comes but once a year so bosh them in all their stunning iterations and die full, happy and bloated. 

Smother each pancake with a layer of Nutella, a handful of mini marshmallows and white chocolate chips for 11/10 texture and taste. Drizzle chocolate dipping sauce on top and finish with a smattering of your favourite chocolate (Zoe’s gone for Bitsa Wispa) for a decadent dessert destined to have you chanting Bruce, Bruce, Bruce. Gobble ‘em down like tomorrow doesn’t exist and regret nothing. 

The Classic 

If it ain’t broke! It wouldn’t be P Cake Day without the power couple of all power couples: lemon and sugar. Tart but sweet, it’s a firm favourite with those who prefer their pancakes on the plainer side but still fluffy, puffy and good as hell. When it comes to the lemon, a fresh squeeze is the way to go. Slice up a lemon and fan on top of your stack for Jamie Oliver style pizzaz and easy-access to more juice should you need a drop more citrus going on. Dust with caster sugar and eat them steaming hot whilst thinking about the imminent arrival of Bridgerton Season 2. Epic brunch? Completed it. 

Whilst the delights of storm Eunice truly made it feel like the outside world would be uninhabitable for good, the shortest month of the year is in fact nearly behind us and the promise of pancakes, lighter evenings and daffodils is starting to feel within touching distance once more. As The Devil Wears Prada’s Miranda Priestly once pointed out, florals for spring aren’t exactly groundbreaking, but there is something to be said about the reliability that comes from the annual unveiling of pastel colours, kitsch prints and organic shapes reminding us of a new Spring season that simply never get old. After what feels like another long AF winter, we’re so here for the small joys that remind us the end is in sight, most importantly adding Mini Eggs to the weekly shop and instantly levelling up your mid morning cuppa. Happiness, tick!

And when it comes to Spring cliches, there seems nothing more fitting during these months than leaning in to a good old fashioned Spring clean, sort out and rejig, freshening up your space and mind and clearing way for all the next few months have in store. Goodbye heavy velvet textures and jewel tones and hello to pastel shades and cotton everything- it’s good to see you! Our physical space can have a huge impact on our mood and mental health, so in the name of positivity, we prescribe a healthy dose of retail therapy. Enjoy!

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Confusingly, under that high sense of self, was a man who needed constant validation. From myself and others around him, without it he’d get extremely upset

Ally, victim of narcissistic abuse

Narcissism: Selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration. 

Despite the worryingly toxic definition, it’s true that all of us exhibit narcissistic traits to some degree, be it struggling to accept criticism or occasionally prioritising our needs above others for our own gain at times. But in truth the insidious form of emotional and psychological abuse that can come from time spent with someone who fits the full definition, or has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is far from the norm. 

According to Trauma-Informed Therapist Caroline Strawson who specialises in narcissistic and domestic abuse, narcissism is born out of painful inner child wounds that can cause their internal protector to become extreme, abusive and controlling.

“This goes down to how I define a narcissist using Internal Family Systems- an evidence-based model of psychotherapy. We all have sub-personalities, for example, if you are asked to go to a party and a ‘part’ of you wants to go but another ‘part’ just wants to stay curled up at home and chill. We have them in many formats.

In Internal Family Systems, we work on the premise that we all have a true self which is actually the essence of how we are all born- someone who is compassionate, confident, creative and curious. It is innate within us, but as we go through our childhood, we perceive events in a certain way, and this is when we start to create beliefs about ourselves. For instance, the father who does not praise you can create a negative belief that you are not good enough, and this creates a core inner child wound that is deemed to be so painful that your system will do anything it can to minimise, soothe and distract you away from feeling. You may then have what we call protector parts that show up to take on this role such as people-pleasing, self-harm, addiction, emotional eating etc. In essence, we all have a true self, an inner child wound, or exiled younger part and then these protector parts which serve to move you away from pain, but very often have a destructive impact. Narcissists are exactly the same.

They all have a true self BUT their inner child wound becomes so painful, that their protector parts become very extreme and abusive and become that individual’s false sense of self. The collective name for an individual’s protector parts that are abusive in this way, and are what we call a narcissist.

They all have a true self BUT their inner child wound becomes so painful, that their protector parts become very extreme and abusive and become that individual’s false sense of self. The collective name for an individual’s protector parts that are abusive in this way, and are what we call a narcissist.

Caroline Strawson

There are two types of narcissism: covert and grandiose, both of which are pathological and stem from insecurity, but present in different ways. Grandiose narcissists wish to be seen by others in a very specific way, are driven by status and have an unrealistic sense of superiority, says relationship coach Stefanos Sifandos in a recent podcast episode on the subject with Mark Groves of Create The Love. Grandiose narcissists believe they are too good for the average, ordinary person and continually talk about their achievements and accolades to mask deep-rooted feelings of shame. In comparison, covert narcissists are far more emotionally sensitive and swing back and forth between feeling and presenting as inferior and superior. They can be incredibly possessive, insecure and paranoid in romantic relationships, often stemming from neglect or abuse in childhood. 

Knowing why a narcissist may behave in a particular way might help explain their choices, but it certainly doesn’t excuse them. The abuse those close to a narcissist face within every interaction can be so emotionally destructive that life feels unbearable, as Londoner Ally knows all too well…

“​​I met my ex at the age of 21 back when I was young, naive and had never been in a relationship. The first few months were magical and full of excitement – it felt like I was in a Taylor Swift song. We’d text everyday, spend all of our free time together and we’d quickly fall in love. Within 6 months we’d exchanged ‘I love yous’ and were living under one roof. It was my version of perfect and I was happy. 

It started with small digs, usually regarding my appearance and jokes about my race – I brushed them off at first even when it was clear I was uncomfortable with his comments. As this was our first time having any real conflict he was very sweet and understanding of my feelings, but as time went on, my feelings began to go unnoticed, apologies exchanged with anger and being shouted at became part of my everyday routine. 

Disagreeing with him or being upset for any valid reason would result in him having tantrums and going as far as punching holes in the wall instead of just communicating with me.

Ally

Whenever I tried to communicate my feelings he would shout in my face while I’d cry and tell me to stop feeling the way I was feeling, it was like he thought I was acting and could simply switch off my emotions. He’d have no empathy and would simply wait until I’d calmed myself down and then tell me how much he loved me and how I was the best person he had ever met. 

As the years went by I got more and more depressed, I’d suddenly found myself isolated from my friends and family, going to work crying every day and being treated like I was his property. 

He would tell me what to do, how to live my life and tell me how much of a disappointment I was.. he’d even started telling me I wasn’t allowed to ask him any questions. My life simply revolved around his and he’d tell me I was ruining our relationship if I wanted to do anything different with mine.

Part of the reason I stayed with him is because he was so nice to everyone else that no one believed me when I did speak out about the ways he was treating me. Friends and family thought I could’ve been taking things out of context and perhaps it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was because he was a “nice guy”. I would start to gaslight myself and think maybe I was taking things out of context even after 4 years together.

Unfortunately trying to leave a narcissist is difficult because they will manipulate and gaslight you just as you reach your breaking point. They make you doubt your own reality and tell you that things aren’t as bad as you believe, they’ll start to be nice and tell you about the future plans of getting married and having kids, being the only one they love and guilt-tripping you until you forgive them. 

The months leading up to our break-up were extremely difficult, his behaviour had somehow gotten worse and he was putting me through distressing situations almost everyday. I had gotten very depressed by this point and was waking up physically shaking with anxiety on a daily basis. 

I was so mentally drained and was finding it impossible to find the motivation to carry on living. 

The best thing I did for myself during my breakup was seek therapy, this helped me to gain control of my life again and taught me how to heal from the trauma I had experienced.”

Narcissistic abuse and behaviour is never a reflection of the worth or actions of the individual suffering at the hands of it, but accepting and coming to terms with this fact is far easier said than done. Therapist Caroline Strawson, who was also a victim of narcissistic abuse from her ex-husband, was forced to spend a long time working on dismantling this belief in her own personal life following her divorce.

Now as an adult, I know I was good enough, but this trauma was literally stuck in the body which is why when I work with my clients we have to do embodied work such as Brainspotting because you can’t think your way out of trauma.”

Currently, there is no known cure for being a narcissist, but psychotherapy is often helpful in building up a narcissist’s poor self-esteem, creating more realistic expectations of others, recognising their own strengths and weaknesses and learning to accept criticism and failure. It is possible for narcissists to relate and engage with others in more positive ways, but reaching a point of willingness for this is often the main barrier therapists face.

If you’re struggling with the impact of living with or knowing a narcissist, the Echo Society, a volunteer-driven not-for-profit organisation providing peer support groups and counselling services, may be able to help. Caroline’s podcast, The Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Podcast is another great resource which she created after leaving her marriage to help others understand more about narcissism, and provide support for those feeling at fault for experiencing this abuse. 

“It takes deep body work but this is at the core of my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme. To move from surviving to thriving and what we call in positive psychology, Post Traumatic Growth. Growth and living an even better life because of the narcissist as they were actually the spotlight and catalyst for you to heal your inner child wounds at a deep nervous system level.”

Whilst the traditional meaning of celibacy typically refers to the state of abstaining from sex before or after marriage for a long period of time – often for religious reasons – as a modern practice, it can be so much more than going cold turkey on sex. 

There are a whole plethora of reasons why someone might choose to partake in voluntary celibacy at a certain point in their life. Some people explore the practice to heal from sexual trauma, recover from heartbreak or sub-par dating experiences (how long have you got?) and focus on connections that serve them rather than those that make them feel ‘less than’. 

For others, it’s a spiritual calling to undo self-destructive patterns and unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as co-dependency or reliance on intimacy as a form of escapism and distraction from uncomfortable emotions they’ve avoided. 

In a world of hook-up culture, unfulfilling casual encounters, and the trials and tribulations of the ‘swipe right’ marketplace mentality, it seems celibacy can offer an opportunity to unsubscribe from all of the above, happily abandoning sex in favour of mental clarity and inner peace. It’s one-upmanship on deleting all dating apps. It’s a hard pass on sex and all its subliminal implications, no matter your gender or sexuality, although it does seem particularly alluring for those of us dealing with cis-het men on the regs, we have to say. Do with that what you will. 

Living a sex-free life can be impossible to comprehend for many but an increasing number of people are turning to celibacy as a self-development practice to redefine what intimacy means to them. Like journaling, shadow work, therapy or cold water swimming, it’s a tool used to nourish the relationship we have with ourselves, providing space to dismantle heteronormative ideals of attraction and love. 

When sexual desire is no longer at the centre of your universe – and being desirable (namely to cis-het men) simply isn’t a measure of your self-worth – you can excavate what emotional intimacy and connection truly looks like to you, without using sex as a default medium for both. By raising your standards and creating healthy non-negotiable boundaries, you’ll never settle for anything less than the nourishment and safety you deserve, in turn, becoming the most embodied version of yourself. 

Whatever your stance on celibacy, your relationship with yourself is always worth working on and staying in your own seggs-free lane to reflect on your inner world without shame is one such way to do it. 

Jordan Jeppe practised celibacy for 13 months after a three-month fling left her heartbroken. Here she shares her journey to finding a deeper connection with herself and explains how celibacy became a catalyst for her healing and empowerment…

A Journey In Deeper Self-Love – Jordan’s Celibacy Story  

I started exploring celibacy after continuously losing myself in relationships. My heart was broken from a three-month fling and I was just starting my solo travelling journey. Celibacy wasn’t just about not having sex. It was an intentional journey of removing myself from partners, healing from the past and ultimately, becoming the person I wanted to date.

Setting an intention with celibacy helps give meaning to why you’re embarking on the journey. For me, it was to establish my self-worth in absence of men and to explore my inner world, without any self-pleasure, through committing to a self-development practice of shadow work.

Jordan Jeppe

This is the difference between celibacy and abstinence. Typically, celibacy refers to a longer period of time of no sex and includes no sexual relations. Abstinence, on the other hand, can mean abstaining from penetrative sex, but engaging in other sexual acts — and is often for a more limited period of time.

What I teach and support in my online course ‘Celibacy: A Journey to Deeper Self Love’ is to set your own rules around self-pleasure. However, this comes with immense responsibility to explore one’s relationship with self-pleasure before choosing to abstain from it while practising celibacy. I don’t say that lightly, this act of responsibility takes courage. 

What helped me see myself fully was exploring the practice of shadow work while celibate. Shadow work is all about revealing the aspects of ourselves that we suppress and deny. The shadow holds our deepest and most subtle traumas, which live within our subconscious minds. Because 95% of our reality comes from our subconscious minds, learning how to embody our shadow selves is how we truly heal and no longer attract, nor project our wounded self onto others – it is living in our authenticity.

Of course, with any journey as intricate and deep as this one, there were some downsides. 

At the time, I was solo travelling through Europe. There were moments the high of dating myself would dissolve. My old behaviours would urge me to download Tinder or Bumble, the thoughts would tell me I was only in Paris for so long – at times I was my own worst enemy. Then there was the fear of having to explain myself to a potential partner, or even worse being gaslighted by someone. 

Another popular question I receive on TikTok is how to know when to break your celibacy. To be honest, there is no right set amount of time because everyone has their own timeline for healing. One of the telling signs for me was this innate feeling that I was ready to put what I had intentionally spent so much time working on to the test. 

That strong feeling put me back on the apps and out into the dating world again, but not without my non-negotiable list. This list was something I constructed while celibate and contained everything I wanted in a partner. It was my guideline for my next partner, it made saying ‘no’ easier, it helped reinforce my boundaries and it wasn’t until a man checked everything on my list –  that I was intimate again. 

When I think back to that moment of wanting to explore celibacy for the first time it was not only an intuitive hit within my body telling me this is what I needed, it was also my life coach putting a mirror right in front of my face. She knew I was just ending a three-month fling and her words hit me right in the chest: “as soon as you let your boundaries down with someone you completely lose yourself.” 

She told me the truth and while it stung with honesty, I needed to hear it. Often we fear we cannot deal with what we see. Our patterns of destruction, low self-worth and codependent tendencies keep us from experiencing deep love – not with others, but with ourselves.

Celibacy, paired with a self-development practice, has the ability to return the power back to yourself. The exact power you were born with and what your authentic self is craving to be. I hope this piece serves as a mirror for whoever needs it.

Jordan Jeppe

If you’re interested in finding out more about celibacy or you’re wondering if it’s the right choice for you, you can sign up for Jordan’s journey to self-love online course at a special discounted rate here. 

From job interviews to first dates, the day you’re 99% sure you’re going to get engaged to the party you know your ex is going to be at (ugh), what you wear has a significant impact on how you feel, present yourself and show up in the world. But what about when inspiration is seriously … lacking? Enter: Team Zoella. We might be partial to re-wearing the same loungewear set one too many days in a row, but on the whole, we know a thing or two about nailing an outfit whatever the occasion, and we’re here to help you on this mission too!

We took to Instagram recently to ask about your fashion dilemmas- the style SOS missions keeping you up at night- and today 4 of Team Z’s most avid ASOS scrollers are here to save the day. From Harry Styles concert ‘fits to star sign themed party dresses, your newfound wardrobe agony aunts are here to save the day…

Lareese is styling…

A Pisces themed outfit for my Zodiac themed birthday at the end of the month

As a fellow Piscean, I totally get why deciding on a birthday outfit might be slightly overwhelming ha! Decisiveness is not our best trait after all. A Zodiac themed party is such a great shout and means you’ll have plenty of options to embrace your water sign with sequins, shine and 50 shades of blue galore. Or, if you didn’t want to lean into the fish sign that hard, you could go for a less is more approach with romantic silhouettes – a nod to your creative and artistic side. I’ve put in a couple of dresses for different budgets but I say the occasion calls for big fish energy. May as well splash out eh!

The Olivia & Alice embroidered organza dress is a vibe (and budget-friendly), and easily dressed up or down with boots, DMs or heeled sandals depending on your mood. Top it off with a headband (or hair tinsel could be fun?!) and you’re good to go for your birthday bash. If you’re not feeling a dress, you could also go for a Pisces power suit – I love this blue suit co-ord paired with a matching bralette and heels. Or, you could go the rental route. Try Hurr or By Rotation for a fancy pants wear-once outfit with none of the guilt! Whatever you end up wearing, you’re sure to look the part just by being your wonderful Piscean self. Happy birthday, I hope you have a ball! 

*ASOS, Labelrail x Olivia & Alice embroidered organza mini dress, £70
Na-Kd, Profile Sole Calf Boots, £44.95
*ASOS DESIGN headband with diamante detail, £12
*Etsy, FishMongersDaughter, Pisces Party Crown, £11.96
*ASOS, Topshop suit co-ord in turquoise, £130
*River Island, CREAM STRAPPY SANDALS, £45
Mango, Glossy baguette bag, £35.99
Hurr, VERSACE TRÉSOR DE LA MER MIDI DRESS, Rental Price £161 – £460

Charlotte is styling…

Harry Styles Love on Tour concert!

If I could start a styling business purely on helping people find their best outfit for a Harry Styles gig I would because the JOY I felt in putting this outfit together was unmatched. I love how instrumental Harry Lambert (very confusing, this is Mr Styles’ stylist for those who don’t know) has been in influencing trends and the style choices of H fans since he started working with Harry, and there are a few subtle nods to his incredible eye and role in Harry’s visual identity in this look.

Because Love on Tour is a celebration of the Fine Line album, I’ve also played homage to one of my favourite songs Cherry with the corset top and earring choice, which I think makes for a fun but a mature way of celebrating Harry’s music! I’ve added an optional feather boa because if you can’t wear one at HSLOT then when can you, eh!

*ASOS DESIGN Hope corset in cherry print, £28
*I Saw It First, Red Petite Tailored High Waisted Trousers, £30
*Claires, Gold 1.5″ Crystal Cherry Drop Earrings, £6
Party Delights, Black Feather Boa, £5.99
*Converse black & red chuck 70 crafted with love trainers, £85

Darcey is styling…

Girls night out for drinks – Stylish but not too formal

This is my go-to vibe for any night out so I hope I can deliver the goods! I personally think you can’t go wrong with a whole black outfit for any night out, it always looks stylish and also means if you spill any drinks it can’t be seen ha. Firstly, I think key staples for any wardrobe are a pair of leather trousers, a black blazer and some chunky boots.

These three items can be interchangeably styled with different tops and accessories so are super versatile. H&M are the best for affordable but good quality leather trousers and blazers, I swear by them. Chunky flat boots give a more stylish feel to your outfit than trainers, but look equally as good (if not better) as heeled boots or heels, cause who wants their feet hurting halfway through the night? For a top, I’ve gone for a basic long-sleeved ribbed top, which will keep you warmer under the blazer but also bring a more casual feel to the look.

Green is having a real moment so I’ve accessorised with a green shoulder bag from Zara with a chunky gold chain, but you could pick any colour really for the bag, it’s just nice to bring a pop of colour somewhere in the outfit. Jewellery wise I’ve gone gold to tie it in with the bag, but I think silver and gold jewellery both look equally as stylish on a night out. Hope this can inspire some looks, you might already have some of it in your own wardrobe too!

*H&M, Imitation leather trousers, £24.99
Mango, Ribbed cotton T-shirt, £17.99
*H&M, Single-breasted jacket, £34.99
Zara, QUILTED SHOULDER BAG WITH CHAIN, £25.99
*ASOS, schuh Anastasia chunky calf boot in black, £40
*ASOS DESIGN gold plated everyday hoop earrings, £12

Danielle is styling…

On my honeymoon trip next month, a cruise to the Bahamas. I need fancyish dinner outfit ideas.

I love this outfit quandary as I’ve done a fair few cruises and they’re SO hard to pack for. You need an outfit for breakfast, an outfit for the pool/beach/excursion and an outfit for dinner which of course needs to be casual, smart casual, or formal depending on the dress code for that night. The key to packing light for me is choosing a pair of heels and a bag that can go with most of your evening outfits, unless you’re a real accessories gal there isn’t much point in wasting case space on bags and shoes. I love this black strappy pair you could lace differently around your foot/leg to give a bit of variation.

For a bag you really don’t need to carry much as you’re always in walking distance to your room, I usually only take out my phone, sea pass and lip/powder product so choosing a chic small evening bag that goes with a lot means you can take the stress out of choosing each night. This beaded clutch from OB is gorgeous and you would get SO much wear out of this Vivienne Westwood pouch. As it’s you’re honeymoon I’ve picked out this lovely flowing off-the-shoulder white dress (which will look great with a tab) as you can dress it up and wear it for an evening and then re-purpose it as a beach throw on later in the week. I’ve also picked out a couple of silky dresses that you can throw in the case for an evening look then dress down and re-wear in the day later on in the holiday. I hope you have the most wonderful cruise!

*ASOS EDITION off shoulder midi dress in oatmeal, £52.50
*Nasty Gal, Strappy Lace Up Kitten Heels, £35
*Oliver Bonas, Dana Faux Pearl Box Clutch Bag, £45
*Farfetch, Vivienne Westwood logo-plaque clutch bag, £151
*ASOS, Topshop blue splodge flower wrap midi dress, £55
*ASOS, Stradivarius wrap midi satin dress in green, £29.99

It’s term time at Euphoria High, and if you plan on enrolling you better strap in for the ride …

HBO’s hit coming of age show Euphoria is currently returning for its second season, after turning heads and sparking conversations everywhere when it debuted back in 2019, and if there’s one thing we’re obsessed with as much as the dreamy cast it’s their iconic wardrobe design. Heidi Bivens, journalist-turned-stylist-turned-costume designer, is behind the visual identity of each character’s wardrobe, and as a result has inspired trends Gen Z seriously can’t get enough of- think cut-out flares, pastel tracksuits and vintage style low rise jeans. The differentiation between each character’s deeply emotional journey’s and ever-changing identities are perfectly conveyed through their outfit choices each episode, and if you can bank on one cultural moment impacting 2022 fashion for the masses, it’s Bivens and Euphoria.

Pair this with the now iconic make-up direction by MUA and genius behind the Euphoria looks, Doniella Davy, and you’ve got a perfect storm of unique and exciting character identity’s everyone wants a slice of. Think face gems, wet-look lids, glitter lined eyes and understated skin and you’ll be well on your way to fitting right in with Rue, Cassie, Maddy and the gang.

If you want to jump on the trends everyone is pining for, keep scrolling and get adding to basket…

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