“It was my Birthday in November and a few of my close friends didn’t remember”: The Monthly Slice of Between You & Me Drama

Ah, February! The month of love red friendship flags, deal-breakers and political unrest…

From forgiving your pals (or not) for forgetting your birthday to political views upending relationship bliss, going after the salary you deserve and how to find the one when it comes to therapists, keep reading to find out the team’s thoughts on this month’s Between You & Me life problems.

Don’t miss the BYAM polls over on Instagram!

Charlotte says…

I totally understand your frustration- birthdays can be a big milestone and especially after the past few years I feel like celebrating these occasions is more important than ever!

I would raise the issue with your friends and say you were hurt by it, because it sounds as if your upset is still naturally lingering and this would be preferable to letting your feeling snowball into more of a grudge. Perhaps you could suggest a get-together in the next few weeks as a belated celebration so you still get your moment?

Remind yourself that even though this hurt your feelings, hopefully, your friends will recognise that this wasn’t cool and it will be a one-off. You are deserving of spending time with!

Danielle says…

When it comes to my birthday I pretty much always do the arranging for any kind of gathering, so automatically it would be pretty hard to forget as we’re all talking about it. Did you arrange any kind of function or say anything about your birthday leading up to the fact?

Obviously it’s super rubbish they all seemed to forget and it probably left you feeling unloved and left out around your birthday which isn’t very nice. But I have to wonder why you didn’t say anything at the time? You’re still harbouring bad feelings towards them and they’re none the wiser, I’d shoot them a message and navigate the situation based on the responses, if they’re extremely sorry and embarrassed then put it down to them being innocent and having a lot going on that time of year. If they get defensive maybe they’re not actually “close” friends at all.

And this year be a little more ballsy about your bday! It’s your day! Mention it in passing, organise a get-together, don’t wait for people to forget, put it on their radars!

Lareese says…

You might feel lonely but you’re not alone with this, especially after the last 2 years. Seek out what brings YOU joy. Join groups (writing, book clubs, sport, Facebook communities, you name it!). I know making friends as an adult is scary but sometimes you’ve just gotta put yourself out there and get back on the horse as it were! Good luck lovely x

Darcey says…

This is always a hard one, if dinners are tough because when politics is brought up they belittle your views, that’s definitely something you should talk to your boyfriend about and set boundaries that maybe politics doesn’t get brought up around the dinner table. I am a firm believer though that opposing political views shouldn’t get in the way of relationships (for the most part), society has created this environment where you have to pick a side and then dislike everyone who sits on the other side and I think this really affects human relationships.

If their beliefs morally go against yours, that’s different and would be hard to navigate, but if you just have opposing views on some things, I don’t see why that can’t turn into an explorative conversation, rather than a difficult one. But if they make you feel bad, that’s not okay so boundaries are definitely needed!

Danielle says…

Eeek I’m pretty partial to healthy political debate with my dad and actually, my sister in law usually joins me in giving our opinions and trying to change his traditional viewpoints but we always finish still respecting each other and no one ever feels dog piled.

If this is happening at your BF’s family dinners where he and his family are on one side and you’re on the other it sounds a little unfair numbers-wise, and it obviously must be getting you down. I’d ask yourself whether you want to be with someone who has such different views from your own, how will you raise your children (if you want any), will he stand with you at a protest you feel passionately about? That’s the kind of person you want to spend your time with, not someone ganging up on you with your in-laws at a casual dinner.

Charlotte says…

It can be a really overwhelming process (especially when you’re not feeling great to begin with) but thankfully there’s been a big boom in companies/organisations making the process super streamlined and accessible.

The Self Space website could be a good place to start- they have over 45 qualified therapists that can work on a 1-1 basis and each has a small bio onsite that gives you an idea about them and their speciality. They also have this page about choosing the right type of therapy for you which could be helpful when starting the process: Choosing A Type Of Therapy – Where Do I Start? Self Space

If you’re looking for face to face therapy, the website Counselling Directory has thousands of therapists, allowing you to narrow down your search with your postcode to find someone suitable in your area! Counselling Directory – Find a Counsellor Near You

Above all, make sure you’re prioritising someone you feel a connection with (you can usually do intro calls to find out a bit more about how that therapist works), that you trust and feel confident being fully honest with. Good luck!

Lareese says…

Schedule your 1-1 and make your case! You’ve got to advocate for yourself and get the £££ you deserve BUT be prepared to back it up with hard evidence of your input in the business and examples of when you’ve gone above and beyond your call of duty. Chances are if it’s been a while since your last pay review, they’ll be expecting it anyway. Be proactive with your self-development within the role or put the feelers out elsewhere. Getting on with your coworkers is important but if the salary ain’t it, then find one that is 🙂 you’ve got this! x

Danielle says…

This is a tough one as having an awesome workplace with good friends is bloody brilliant, it makes life SO much better and it’s kind of invaluable in that sense. Having somewhere to go every day that you don’t dread is pretty much my main purpose in life, we have to work so much it’s got to be something you enjoy and that goes much deeper than you’re actual role.

I would probably put a case together for a pay rise and have a really honest chat with your manager, tell them how much your love working there but think you deserve more and see what the vibe is like, maybe you can put together a plan for your growth within the company? If they straight up tell you they can’t and leave you dissatisfied then you’ve got a decision to make, maybe have a look around at other roles, but let me tell you the grass isn’t always greener!

Darcey says…

I’m sorry you are experiencing health anxiety and thank you for writing in and asking for help. Health anxiety is so difficult to navigate and something I struggle with to this day too. I am hyper-aware of any changes in my body and always by default go to the worst possible scenario.

Something my therapist told me that changed my life was that usually when someone has health anxiety, they use this anxiety as a distraction from other anxiety-inducing problems in their lives. That’s not to say that health anxiety isn’t extremely stressful and disruptive, but once I started sitting down with myself and going “okay what’s really making you anxious” did my health anxiety start to improve.

Our minds want to protect us all the time, so by distracting us with a make-believe health issue, we protect ourselves from the more difficult problems we need to face. Try writing down your thoughts and feelings when dealing with these health anxieties, definitely DO NOT google symptoms, Google will always say it’s cancer no matter what you type in, if you can get access to therapy I can’t stress enough how helpful that will be and lastly try meditation to calm the nervous system. Doing these things have helped me and I hope they can help you out too!

Got a problem you’d like help with? Email betweenyouandme@zoella.co.uk

“I changed who I was to put you both first but now I give up.” When Adele released “Easy On Me” – the first song on her long-awaited fourth album 30 – the lyrics hit home for many women who divorced young.

The singer’s experience isn’t unique but due to the stigma and social commentary that often surrounds divorcing at a young age, it felt refreshing for her to be telling that story publicly having made it through the other side; committing both her pain and healing to record in an album millions of women could blast along country lanes, throwing their legal paperwork out the window for years to come.

Here’s the thing: some marriages just don’t work out, regardless of age. A couple were happy until they were not and irreconcilable differences aren’t reserved for the middle-aged.

For women in their 20s and 30s – when the rest of the friendship group are often single, in a relationship or newlywed – leaving their marriage can be a particularly isolating time. The judgement and self-stigma that comes with being the divorced one is unsurprisingly difficult to navigate.

From the messiness that comes with untangling two lives, splitting assets, facing the dissolution of mutual friendship groups and being ‘too young to be divorced but too old to be single’ in the eyes of society, we speak to women about the highs and lows of starting over and the lessons they learnt when they decided to reclaim their happiness.

All names have been changed

Alicia

Can you tell us a little bit about you and your story?

When did you realise your marriage wasn’t going to work? Was there a catalyst that led to the divorce?

I had felt it for a long time but I kept brushing it aside and told myself I was just going through my own stuff and it wasn’t the relationship that was the issue. The main reason for convincing myself of this is because there was nothing explicitly wrong with our relationship that made me want to get out. I just fell out of love with him and it didn’t feel like it once did. It was like living with a good friend.

At your worst, what emotions were you grappling with when you were going through the divorce process? How did it feel getting divorced young?

What did you need most in that moment? If you could go back in time, what would you say to that past you to help her through it?

I needed support. I needed family and people around me who would listen when I wanted to talk but also distract me when I needed it. I did have a select few people who were so supportive, especially the friend I moved in with. If I could go back in time, I would tell the past me that it’s going to be rubbish for a while but that it isn’t your fault, you needed to do this and you will be happy again.

How did you find telling other people about your decision, did you ever feel pressure to stay through fear of other people’s opinions?

It caused a lot of distress for my partner and my family (particularly my mother). For them, it had come out of the blue because nothing was “wrong” in their eyes so nobody understood why I wanted to leave. I stayed for a while longer because of the upset it was causing but also because of the pandemic. When COVID-19 hit, I had nowhere else to go. I knew my grandparents would have taken me in but it was 2020 and I didn’t want to risk spreading anything, so I stayed.

How did your friends and family react when you told them, was there anyone who said you should stick it out because you were young?

I had several people who told me I should stick it out because I was only in my twenties and had only been married a handful of years. I even had a couple of people who told me that I should just try having a baby because it will be something else to focus on. Luckily, I knew that was a ridiculous idea when I was wanting to leave.

Did you ever have doubts about getting a divorce based on other factors outside of the relationship itself (such as financial struggles, children /pets involved) and how it would affect your lifestyle?

What’s different about dating after divorce, how have you found navigating that world as a divorcee?

I have been very lucky to have found someone since I left my partner. I was very open with my situation and what I was going through at the time and he has been incredible. I couldn’t have asked for someone more supportive and understanding. He has been my rock through some tough times already and is a big part of getting me through things. This is just further proof for me that I made the right decision in leaving and that I could be happy again.

Would you ever consider getting married again in the future?

I would consider getting married again. When I got married, I was in love. I don’t feel a need to get married – that doesn’t define the relationship – but I wouldn’t say no. Although, if I got married again, I would want it to be a lot more relaxed and laid-back rather than having a big wedding.

What’s your biggest learning, having come through the other side now?

To trust your gut and do what is right for you. You can’t live your life being unhappy just to please everyone else around you. At the same time, I know some people choose to work on relationships and they happily stay together. For me, I now know this was what was right for me.

Your sage advice for anyone else going through this right now or thinking divorce is the right decision for them?

Find someone you can talk to and get it all out. Getting it out was a massive help for me and is what made me realise I was sticking around for all the wrong reasons.

I’d also want people in this situation to know that even though it will be hard, you will come out the other side and be happy again.

Alicia

Chloe

Can you tell us a little bit about you and your story?

When did you realise your marriage wasn’t going to work, was there a catalyst that led to the divorce?

I realized it when he stopped pursuing me romantically, and when he refused to accommodate my needs as a wife. The night I left, he said straight to my face, “I’m not sure I love you anymore.” The catalyst, in the end, was that I had been warning him to stay away from this one girl in his friend group, all to find out that he’d been having sex with her all along. I had known about her reputation, and he had ensured me that I had nothing to worry about. Turns out, my instincts were correct, and I got played like a fool.

At your worst, what emotions were you grappling with when you were going through the divorce process, how did it feel getting divorced young?

What did you need most at that moment, if you could go back in time, what would you say to that past you to help her through it?

Honestly, I had everything I needed at the right time – family & friends. I wouldn’t change a single thing about that initial healing process because I did what I was supposed to do – I went to the people who meant the most to me and knew they would take care of me unconditionally. It was also their pain & grief (they had all essentially lost a son, brother, friend.) So I was fortunate enough to heal and grieve with the people I hold dearest. I would only go back in time and give myself a hug and say “You did good, and you tried your best. He was right, he didn’t deserve you.”

How did you find telling other people about your decision, did you ever feel pressure to stay through fear of other people’s opinions?

How did your friends and family react when you told them, was there anyone who said you should stick it out because you were young?

All my family and friends were gutted to their core. I’d never seen my parents or sisters more angry in my life, and friends who had learned, questioned their entire relationship with my husband. He had been a part of a lot of people’s lives, and it was as if he’d stabbed a knife in all their backs. Most were in complete shock, because “he was such a great guy! So loving, so charming.” Luckily, everyone was supportive of my leaving him, and knew that I was going to be much better off.

How do you feel about your marriage now, do you have any regrets or are you very much of the mindset that you learn something from every relationship?

I now look at my marriage and know, very confidently, that yes, we were definitely not good for each other. Of course, as soon as I left, all the red flags came flooding forward (from the past 6 years of our romantic relationship.) I’ve also come to the wonderful conclusion that I am, and never will be, the victim. I had done everything right and stayed true to my heart. I was committed, faithful, and hardworking. It is CLEAR as day that my husband was/is the victim of his own crimes, and will forever live in the filth and consequences of his actions. I won’t! It had nothing to do with me, and my life has become my own again. Never again will I sacrifice my emotions or boundaries, and I will respect my heart from now on. I have the freedom to do and say whatever I want, and no one will ever take that away from me again. I am victorious, and he is vile.

Did you ever have doubts about getting a divorce based on other factors outside of the relationship itself (such as financial struggles, children /pets involved) and how it would affect your lifestyle?

Yes, before I found out about him cheating, I did everything in my power to avoid divorce (which I why I stayed for so many months.) I couldn’t let a marriage end after 1 year! What would my friends and family think, they’d be so confused and disappointed!

So I started to blame myself, and he helped me right along. He let me believe that the reason why he’d been so distant from our marriage was because of my constant anxiety and lack of motivation to do the things he wanted to do- adapt to his lifestyle, be more athletic, drinking until your drunk, essentially all things spontaneous and irresponsible. So I tried to fight for as long as I could because I was under the impression that it was all my fault. As for pets, we did have a dog together, and I often thought, “well, if we split up, what would happen to Lady?” In the end, we let my in-laws adopt her, because I couldn’t afford her on my own, and my husband didn’t want anything to do with her. That’s another slap across the face that comes and goes.

What’s different about dating after divorce, how have you found navigating that world as a divorcee?

Because it’s still quite fresh, I’ve decided to wait as long as I can. I need some time on my own to rebuild the soul that he chipped away at for so long. Lots of insecurities that didn’t exist before him, and lots of love that I need to give back to myself that he took away. It wouldn’t be fair to find a new partner during this time, because my journey would become theirs, and that’s not a responsibility that I feel is fair to give to someone else right now.

When the time to date again does come around, I’ll be honest and brave about my story, and I will remind myself of my worth. I will only be with someone who accepts my truths, and never compromises my mental health.

Chloe

Would you ever consider getting married again in the future?

Yes, I would. However, it most likely would just be a very sweet, romantic elopement. I did the wedding bit, and I don’t want to make my friends and family go through that again – I don’t even want to. I wouldn’t even want a bridal shower or a bachelorette party. It’s unfortunately lost its shine, and I’m fine not ever experiencing it again.

What’s your biggest learning, having come through the other side now?

That I deserve the love that I give. I should never settle for something that causes me pain. Cheating is for cowardly, self-hating, pathetic souls. The victims of a crime as heinous as abuse are those who cause the abuse. The ones who suffer have done nothing wrong, and it’s my deepest soul’s desire to ensure that everyone knows that. You are not what someone else has put you through. You are only what you decide to be, and how you choose to go forward, not back.

Your sage advice for anyone else going through this right now or thinking divorce is the right decision for them?

Please read the signs as soon as possible, and literally speak to anyone about it. Your family, friends, therapist, or even your colleagues. I thought I could do it on my own, and I let myself wallow in self-pity and disdain, and I let my abuser take over. I’d been completely blindsided, and had lost all hope. When I did finally tell someone, it was like a wave of relief came washing over me, and I finally felt all my emotional bondage being cut off – I was free, and I was safe.

I often heard the saying, “if he wanted to, he would.” I never realized what this truly meant, and now I do.

Chloe

If you don’t see your partner giving your relationship the SAME amount of attention & energy that you are producing, and you have to ASK them to step up, they don’t want to, and most likely never will. Your partnership should be a co-dependant union, but at the same time, a safe space for your independent journey to flourish as well (and your partner should be there to support and encourage.) If you feel like they don’t love you, they don’t. In those moments, confrontation is so important, and you should fight for your boundaries to be respected. If your hearts aren’t in alignment, it’s time to go.

Bella

Can you tell us a little bit about you and your story?

My name is Bella and I’m coming up on my 30th birthday,I now live with my boyfriend and his little girl who we have every other week. I work full time and I also have endometriosis and PCOS and struggle with pain daily and it’s getting worse, as nothing is working.

I lost a family member and it started to put the cracks into our relationship, I left him, and lived at my then best friend’s house and met someone else who I thought was good for me but wasn’t. After that my health started to go down the drain so I had to quit my job and I moved back and we tried again, after having a discussion. Once I got my health a bit back on track, I got another full-time job which is perfect for me and I still work in the company now, then I noticed the cracks again and then in 2019 I left him for good and moved back to the share-house. I then got with my current partner and we’ve since moved in together. I’ve had to wait 2 years before I could file for divorce, and in 2021 I filed.

When did you realise your marriage wasn’t going to work, was there a catalyst that led to the divorce?

Lots of things resulted in it but the moment I realised it was over was when we moved into our house and he kept accusing me of having affairs, phoning me when I was at work events and ruining the nights with it, then there was the fact he didn’t want to come with me to see family or be bothered with them.

My health was deteriorating and I didn’t seem to get any support. He got jealous of me being successful in my career, he was happy to spend my money and I couldn’t or I had to send something back so he could afford what he wanted. Then The biggest thing is before we got married I fell pregnant, and he told me I either had to get rid of it or we couldn’t be together, which looking back now I was so in love I did whatever he wanted and now because of my health I can’t have children and that has destroyed me. I can now easily look back and think what was I doing with someone like that who liked to control me, so many things led to it all.

At your worst, what emotions were you grappling with when you were going through the divorce process, how did it feel getting divorced young?

What did you need most in that moment, if you could go back in time, what would you say to that past you to help her through it?

If I could go back I would say to be strong and get the divorce the first time we spilt. I had my friends and family for support the whole time.

How did you find telling other people about your decision, did you ever feel a pressure to stay through fear of other people’s opinions?

I was nervous to tell them at first I thought they would all say I failed, but once I told them they were fully supportive and were surprised it took so long, as they could see the problems before me. But obviously, no one could tell me that, I had to figure it out myself.

How did your friends and family react when you told them, was there anyone who said you should stick it out because you were young?

All friends and family were fully supportive and any worries they were right there, my work also helped support me through it all as well. I have been very lucky in that aspect.

How do you feel about your marriage now, do you have any regrets or are you very much of the mindset that you learn something from every relationship?

I will never regret it as I wouldn’t be me without that experience and I wouldn’t have my job now, be with the man I love, or have the friends and family without them. But I do regret parts of it and for letting myself stay in a situation that changed me for the bad.

Did you ever have doubts about getting a divorce based on other factors outside of the relationship itself (such as financial struggles, children /pets involved) and how it would affect your lifestyle?

No, if you’re not happy and it can’t be resolved or it’s affecting your mental health or being harmed then you should definitely not stay in that as it doesn’t help anyone and will make things worse.

What’s different about dating after divorce, how have you found navigating that world as a divorcee?

I know what I want now, and I can take as much time as I want. I have also found that my marriage and how I was treated, left me damaged and questioning if I am allowed to do it now after I wasn’t allowed to before, so I’m having to adjust that I can do stuff I want. I’ve also found that I want to share my emotions and thoughts better now as well.

Would you ever consider getting married again in the future?

I said no at the start but I suppose the better words are ‘never say never’ as I don’t know what I may want in the future, but I do know I won’t be so quick to do it again.

What’s your biggest learning, having come through the other side now?

That I am my own person and no one can control you and you do what you want, as I am allowed to be happy.

Your sage advice for anyone else going through this right now or thinking divorce is the right decision for them?

My advice to others is don’t be afraid, there are people out there if you’re scared or if you need help, and I know love is a strong feeling but you need to live the life you want, not feel suffocated and unhappy.

Jasmine

Can you tell us a little bit about you and your story? 

I’m 25 years old (26 in a few weeks) and I’m from Estonia. I was married to a guy from Syria for 3.5 years. I got married one day before my 22nd birthday. Got divorced at 25. I’ll try to explain our story as shortly as possible. I could keep talking about this for hours, probably could even write a book!

So, in 2017 I did my internship in Spain and my best friend and I ended up talking to some random Syrian guys on the streets of Madrid. The same guys took us to a shisha bar the next day and there I ended up meeting my future husband. It was a week before I finished my internship and had to return back home. But we got close enough that week and after being back home for 2 months, I went back to Spain for a week to visit him and his family.

Two months later I graduated from school and bought a one-way ticket to Spain to stay with him. Crazy, right? I stayed with him for the whole summer and it was fine until reality kicked in and then it was too late already. As you might guess, he was religious, a Muslim. I wasn’t. Not that I have anything against religion and Muslims, I just wasn’t raised in that environment and they tried to change it. Change me.

At first, I was too afraid to say no, so I ended up getting married to him in a mosque by their rules and apparently that made me a Muslim too. They, meaning him and his family, tried to make me pray, get dressed by their rules, eat by their rules, do everything by their rules. By the end of summer, I decided to return back home to start a new job and he came back with me. So, I was working and he was living at my place, as he was a refugee from Syria, he didn’t have European citizenship, just a refugee passport from Spain. In order for him to stay in my country and be able to work, we had to get married. For real this time, it was official.

When did you realise your marriage wasn’t going to work, was there a catalyst that led to the divorce?

This marriage of mine was a mess from the first day, so even at the moment I said ‘yes’, I knew that this wasn’t going to last. The moment I realised that this marriage wasn’t going to work was the moment we got married. The catalyst that led to the divorce was when we had the baby and I went through all of this on my own, with zero support from him.

The most difficult part was getting him to agree on that because in their culture it’s a great shame for a man if his wife decides to leave him, but I knew what I wanted and I wasn’t afraid anymore.  

At your worst, what emotions were you grappling with when you were going through the divorce process, how did it feel getting divorced young? 

For the whole marriage I was under the pressure of his mental abuse. He was a really toxic person who liked to blame everything on me and never agreed or admitted to his mistakes.It was a relief for me getting that divorce. 

What did you need most in that moment, if you could go back in time, what would you say to that past you to help her through it? 

At that moment I needed strength and support from my family and friends. I’d tell my past self: “You go girl! It might seem impossible at the moment but it gets better! You’ll get through this!” 

How did you find telling other people about your decision, did you ever feel a pressure to stay through fear of other people’s opinions? 

Telling other people was easy and relieving. Actually chatting and discussing this with others gave me strength to go through with it, I was never afraid of what others might think of it.  

How did your friends and family react when you told them, was there anyone who said you should stick it out because you were young? 

My friends and family were relieved and happy about my decision because they saw how I was suffering in this marriage. Of course his family and friends were the ones telling me to stay married, try to stay together for the baby etc. 

How do you feel about your marriage now, do you have any regrets or are you very much of the mindset that you learn something from every relationship? 

There are days I regret getting married so quickly, so young, so unsurely. But then there are days when I think about everything I went through and what I learned from it. It’s given me the strength to only go for what I want and not settle for anything less.  

Did you ever have doubts about getting a divorce based on other factors outside of the relationship itself (such as financial struggles, children /pets involved) and how it would affect your lifestyle? 

Everyone kept telling me to stay married because of the baby, but my opinion is that it’s much better for a child to live with divorced parents who are happier on their own than to live with married parents who are constantly arguing and not happy with their lives.

Jasmine

Coming from a family where parents stayed together only for the children, I know how it affects children’s lives and mental health. I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember and discussing this with my psychiatrist, we came to the conclusion that all of this was because of unhealthy environment in my childhood and I wouldn’t want that for my child. 

What’s different about dating after divorce, how have you found navigating that world as a divorcee? 

You’re more careful and notice all the red flags much faster after divorce. You don’t rush into relationships so quickly anymore, for me navigating this world as a divorcee has been quite easy. I’m in a happy relationship with a friend of mine who I’ve known for the whole time I was married. I thought being a divorced single mother would be a major red flag for guys but my boyfriend knew what he was getting into and he accepted me and my life the way it is.  

Would you ever consider getting married again in the future? 

Yeah, of course. But only if I knew that person well enough and was sure this was the person I want to spend my future with.  

What’s your biggest learning, having come through the other side now? 

Don’t rush things. Take it easy and see where life takes you. Stay true to yourself, nobody has the right to change you. If they don’t accept you the way you are, they’re not worth being with you. 

Your sage advice for anyone else going through this right now or thinking divorce is the right decision for them? 

You can do it! It might seem difficult and stressful but in the end you’ll feel relieved for getting through this. Also talk to others, find support. And learn how to put yourself first. 

PSA: You don’t start declining as soon as you’re eligible for your first smear test.

Reaching the ripe young age of 30 doesn’t have to mean retiring your bucket list, freezing your eggs, walking around with a Zimmer frame and never experiencing Glastonbury ever again. 

Whether it’s backpacking through Asia, getting married or having kids – you should do things when they feel right for you, not because society or a listicle on the internet made you believe your twenties are the pinnacle of happiness and success. Forget 30 before 30 lists, age is but a number and you are never too old to realise your dreams.  

The idea that the world is your oyster but only until you’re 29 is BS. So, please enjoy this myriad of milestones you absolutely *don’t* have to tick off by the time you’re 30, because you can be the best version of yourself at any age.

1. Have children. You are child-free not child-less <3 

2. Have your shit together all the time. Every year presents a new opportunity for growth, if everything’s constantly in place there’s no room for self-development.

3. Settle down. Whoever said 30 was the year we have to freeze our eggs and stop *living* was respectfully a sad little misogynist. 

4. Love your body unconditionally. It’s ok for you to merely accept your body as an ever-changing, fluctuating form. It’s an instrument not an ornament. 

5. Spend excessive hours in the gym because you don’t want people to think you’ve let yourself go. In the words of Alex Light, sometimes letting yourself go is the most powerful thing you can do. Did you let yourself go, or did you let yourself live!? 

6. Travel the world. If you’re a homebody, be a homebody. You don’t have to go travelling to experience defining moments in your life. A coffee with a friend or a walk to your favourite park never looks the same. The view is always changing, and you can have revolutionary epiphanies in the most ordinary places. 

7. Lose weight for your wedding. The dress needs to fit you, not the other way round. 

8. Stop wearing the clothes that make you happy. Pass me the f*cking balaclava already. 

9. Find your dream job. You don’t have to have your entire career trajectory mapped out. 

10. Say yes to everything. No is a complete sentence at 20, 30, 40 and beyond. 

11. Look like you did when you were 18. Faces, bodies, skin – it all changes. 

12. Start a business. Vera Wang didn’t sell a dress until she was 40. Toni Morrison wrote her first novel at 39. Ray Kroc created McDonald’s when he was 52. You can take risks and connect with your entrepreneurial spirit whenever your soul demands it. 

13. Get casual sex out your system. You are free to enjoy good unattached sex at any age if that’s what makes you happy. 

14. Find the one. Contrary to what society would have you believe, romantic joy doesn’t expire when you reach your 30s and marriage and babies are not the talismans of success. 

15. Own a dog. You’d ideally need a garden for that and we all know what a rare breed they are. Friends with dogs are where it’s at. 

16. Stop making mistakes. Slip-ups happen when you’re in the ‘Overs’ category too ya know. 

17. Go out all the time because you won’t when you’re 30. Erm, two words. Bottomless Brunch. 

18. Have a five-year plan. Lol. As the last two years have demonstrated, living in the present is all we can really do. 

19. Own a property. That’s it, that’s the tweet. 

20. Make all the friends or else be a hermit forevermore. Not so. Making friends when you’re an adult can be daunting but you can also find some of the deepest most meaningful connections with like-minded people in later life when you’ve got a whole decade of emotional baggage to bond over. What’s more, friendships that last for a season can be just as transformational to your life as long term ones. 

21. Be in the best shape of your life. If it sounds a bit excessive it’s because it is. There are so many variables at play when it comes to physical health, at any age. Maybe you’re living with chronic pain, maybe you’ve had bottom surgery, maybe you’re agoraphobic. You don’t always have to be on the move to be moving. When someone is in the ‘best shape of their lives’ (translation: closest to society’s standard of beauty), their minds might be at their worst. Here’s something to carry through to your 30s – let go of the weight of other people’s opinions about your body. Why do they care?! If they have a reaction to your body, that’s on them. 

22. Hustle and network or lose out on opportunities. Not all professional openings have to come from sticking yourself in a room full of industry greats and forcing yourself to meet people. Someone could stumble on an article you have written and get in touch, or you might go to an intimate book club meet up and strike up a random conversation with an author. Careers change and evolve way beyond your 20s and chance meetings can be just as instrumental for both your personal and professional growth. 

23. Stay the same person forever. Klaxon: You’re allowed to change, no matter how uncomfortable that change makes someone else. If the person you’re becoming doesn’t match up to someone else’s perceived idea of who you are or the role you play in their life, then so be it. 

24. Get into yoga. If anything, starting later in life makes more sense because that’s when simply daring to sleep on your neck means you must spend two weeks turning your whole body to look at someone.  

25. Master TikTok. Enjoying it from afar is as good as catching the vibe gets. 

26. Run a marathon. Move in whatever way brings you the most joy. If that means running 26.2 miles then go for it, but if that sounds a lot like violence then you’ll be forgiven for signing up for Burlesque classes instead. 

27. Find a signature style. If low rise jeans can make a comeback, anything can happen. Let your fashion flow, grow and fail too. 

28. Learn to cook. Listen, if you’ve got a roast dinner and a mean spag bol in your repertoire, you’ll go far. If you fancy expanding your culinary skills for dinner parties and bougie gatherings with Whispering Angel aplenty, then by all means book in for a few classes and have fun with it. 

29. Get Botox. Sure, it’s a preventative blah blah blah but your face, your rules. You don’t have to be pressured into doing anything you’re not comfortable with. 

30. Be financially savvy. It doesn’t matter how good you get at keeping receipts and organising invoices, a tax return will never not maim you. 

Spoiler alert: you can be your own Valentine. Take a deep breath, open up that ‘single and thriving’ vision board, and let go of society’s bias that prioritises romantic love above all. Because as much as receiving an extravagant bunch of flowers to your door (cue your housemate’s ‘awww’s and ‘ooh’s), know that being able to rely on yourself for love, respect and treats along the way is always a safer position to be in than seeking validation from external sources. Buy the flowers, chocolates, takeaway and wine and know that the enjoyment of those things is not reliant on a partner to provide them!

So whether you’re feeling single and empowered or are mourning a recent break-up and are in need of a pick-me-up, we’ve compiled a list of the best ‘to me, from me’ self-love gifts to warm your heart this February. Transform your room into the calming oasis you deserve with a Himalayan salt lamp or new candle, or treat yourself to the gift of relaxation with a spa day or fancy bubble bath, whatever helps you feel your best and most special, now’s the time to do it! 

Repeat after us: I am enough, just as I am.

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Ever been a bit too hungover or sleep-deprived and felt yourself walking around in a daze, not fully present? Or perhaps you’ve found yourself getting to the end of the day without quite remembering how you got there. It’s normal in periods when life is hectic to feel like everything is a bit of a blur, but what about when you can go months at a time feeling disconnected from yourself, your personal history, or as if you’re having an out of body experience? For those suffering with dissociation, be it sporadically or for extended episodes, this is the reality.

Dissociative disorders including Derealisation, Depersonalisation and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) occur as a response to threat, be it an act of violence, loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or alternatively as a response to perceived/past dangers from childhood, as the mind’s way of helping a person distance themselves from a difficult experience. Not all those who disassociate are experiencing a dissociative disorder, as Jodie Cariss, therapist and founder of the contemporary mental health therapy service Self Space notes:

You may adopt dissociative behaviours if your life is demanding, you go to an emotional place you aren’t familiar with, a current experience is reminiscent of difficult things in the past or you are confronted with a reality that feels too hard to manage

Jodie Cariss

The differences between Dissociation/Derealisation/Depersonalisation:

Dissociation, Derealisation and Depersonalisation are all strategies used in defence of feeling and are similar in terms of their impact but can be distinguished by the different degrees to which a person is cut off from themselves, their reality and their feelings, notes Jodie. “They all share the same foundation, which is denial in some form and they all act defensively but have varying levels of the intensity of the denial.”

Dissociation

This is where you semi-consciously cut yourself off from a stressful situation. You take yourself somewhere less threatening internally as a form of protection.  Sometimes this can be helpful and sometimes as with all defence mechanisms it keeps you cut off from the emotional place you really need to access. 

You might….

• Feel as though you are watching yourself in a film or looking at yourself from the outside.
• Feel as if you are just observing your emotions.
• Feel disconnected from parts of your body or your emotions.
• Feel as if you are floating away.
• Feel unsure of the boundaries between yourself and other people. 

Snow, known as SnowBabyFresh on Instagram and TikTok has shared her experiences of dissociation with her community of followers online and describes the way in which she feels during an episode: “It’s honestly a very unpredictable sensation but besides the general Google search answers for what it feels like, I describe my experience as having ‘goo thoughts’. For me, it feels like instead of racing thoughts, they are stuck in goo or mud or something like that. It came out of my mouth like that during an attack that I had been recording and it ended up on my TikTok, and it turns out that loads of people related to ‘goo thoughts’! In my head, it’s kind of like the world is still moving around at a normal pace or even faster, but I’m moving slower. Physically, it sometimes feels like a panic attack on the rise, like a restlessness in my entire body. In really severe attacks, it can feel like my skin is hovering off of my body. Just this overall sensation of being off-kilter.”

Derealisation

This is when someone begins to think delusionally, cutting themselves off from reality, not just an emotional distance but also a cognitive distance from the truth to the point they are reinterpreting information in a different, unreal way.

“For example, a person might be working towards a goal, something that’s taken an unrealistic amount of time, money and energy to work towards but they feel that with just one more step they will be where they need to be” continues Jodie. “The focus is so intense that you are unaware of what is happening in other areas of your life which cuts you off from reality and your present situation. Derealisation is where you feel the world around is unreal. People and things around you may seem “lifeless” or “foggy”.”

Depersonalisation

This is experienced as feeling disconnected or detached from yourself.  Feeling as if you are outside of your own body and thoughts, often watching yourself. Those who have been exposed to traumatic events may reflect on them in a depersonalised way, for example with experiences of war or road traffic accidents. Nurses, doctors, soldiers and those exposed to difficult matters, often for prolonged periods may use depersonalization as an effective form of emotional protection.

Jodie goes on to say, “I have noticed an unhelpful rise in depersonalisation in the digital dating world, and hear this often with clients who are using dating apps. There is a sense that it dehumanises the interactions, making the connections less human which can result in shallow relationships that are devoid of meaning and content. Where immediate gratification is being sought and satisfied, the person is not thought about again (this might mean long conversations then ghosting, meeting and then being ignored), this can be dangerous when we forget about the impact we have on others and them on us.”

Common Symptoms 

1. Feeling like you’re outside your body, sometimes as if you’re looking down on yourself from above.
2. Feeling detached from yourself, as if you have no actual self.
3. Numbness in your mind or body, as if your senses are turned off.
4. Feeling as if you can’t control what you do or say.

Mental health charity Mind emphasises the importance of remembering that everyone’s experience of dissociation is different, and you may feel any of these dissociative experiences even if you don’t have a diagnosed dissociative disorder. If you have some of the experiences mentioned above and are concerned about your thoughts, feelings or behaviours, speak to someone you trust, ideally your GP. If you want to learn more before you speak to someone, look for trusted resources, like the information on the Mind or NHS websites. 

Living with Dissociation

Casey Molina aka CaseyIsHealing on TikTok regularly shares mental health-focused content, be it on reparenting yourself, feelings of unworthiness or dating in your twenties, and has discussed disassociation and its impact across a series of viral videos. 

“As I get older I realise dissociation is something I actually experienced for the first time at a really young age, probably around 10. I used to be a voracious reader when I was a child and could easily finish a 500+ page book in one day. I’d hide in my bathroom and read the whole day, oftentimes taking the stories I read and trying to bring them to life in my own reality by pretending I was a character from the books I was reading. Everything I did and everywhere I went would surround a plotline from the books I read. I used to imagine someone was coming to “save” me from the life I was living. 

“I finally landed a marketing job that I thought would be my dream position, but I could feel myself quickly cracking under the stress of the work I was doing and many of the expectations and responsibilities placed on me. I would have weeks on end where I would wake up feeling numb to life and experiencing crippling anxiety to leave my house, even just to go for a walk. But I could easily spend 3+ hours a day on TikTok or other social media trying to decompress from a stressful day of work. There would be days where I would walk outside and be so disoriented by my surroundings and the sunlight, that’s when I realised something more was going on than just “a couple of stressful weeks of work.”

Dissociation can feel especially challenging for sufferers who are acutely aware of slipping in and out of their experience of reality, but this is something Casey is working on accepting. “It makes me sad to think that one day I will look back at the smaller moments of my life that I was scared to be present for, that I was finding ways to not be there for and I’ll wish that I had savoured them. But I’m realising I don’t have to be regretful if I find ways to heal from my dissociation triggers and work through them in the present moment. It takes a lot of mental energy and strength to reprogram yourself from defence mechanisms your mind has put in place to protect you from harm and, at times, I feel like I’m fighting myself. I would say that’s the hardest part, realising that so much of your mental energy goes towards fighting against your mind.”

What can trigger an episode of Dissociation?

Even after significant time has passed since a traumatic event occurred or the circumstances in an individual’s life have changed, certain sensory experiences such as sights, sounds, smells, touches, and even tastes can trigger a cascade of unwanted memories and feelings. Dissociation can also be associated with various other mental health conditions, such as Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, and more, but it’s important to remember you do not necessarily have a mental illness if you experience dissociation from time to time.

“I used to think it was completely random, and it can feel that way sometimes but when you really dissect it, there are almost always triggers or sensitivities that lead to an episode.” Says Snow. “In my experiences with hypnotherapy and EMDR (which is incredibly terrifying but truly helped me heal a lot), I learned that I have a sensitivity to certain sensory systems. For example, my olfactory response which is responsible for your sense of smell is extremely heightened when I’m anxious. So essential oils can help calm an episode, but there are smells that will trigger one. I am that way with specific sounds that relate to my trauma as well. Emotions are another huge trigger, whether it’s a really intense feeling or anger or sadness, my body will send that signal of “you cannot feel any more of this, we’re shutting it down” and then I can dissociate. But honestly, sometimes I’d prefer that than a crying episode.”

How to support someone you love in a dissociative episode

“I think the most important thing friends and family can do to support people during dissociative episodes is to acknowledge when you go to someone and express that something feels wrong that they feel heard and made space for,” says Casey. “ I think a lot of people would have told me the way I was feeling about my job was normal. Maybe they do a lot of the same things I do by going home or logging off after a busy workday and basically distracting themselves from reality until it’s time for bed, but I feel really lucky that my dad made a lot of emotional space for me to express how I was feeling. To share that emotionally and mentally I wasn’t in a good place and that even though it seemed like I had all of these amazing things going for me- new apartment, new job, normal workout routine, healthy social life- for some reason I didn’t feel present for any of it. 

Seeking help and understanding dissociation can be difficult when someone first experiences these sensations, as Snow well knows. “ It probably wasn’t until I was in my early twenties and started doing hypnotherapy and EMDR that I finally was able to have a term for what I was experiencing. Up until then, I thought that I was just having panic attacks but they felt more muted. But as it turns out…it’s dissociation! It really was a lightbulb moment of things making sense and piecing together the experiences I’ve had that were actually dissociative episodes. But it’s kind of a double-edged sword in that sense because I had to start processing some things in a new perspective.”

How to support yourself during a dissociative episode, including ways to feel more present during a dissociative episode, according to Jodie of Self Space:

• Spend 5 minutes observing what’s going on around you, in your mind describing it to yourself.
• Spend 5 minutes checking in with yourself, say out loud how you are doing , even looking in the mirror.
• Take a shower, swim or have a bath, or even wash your hands in cold water and really focus on what you are doing, the feelings, sensations, smells etc.
• Eat something strong tasting or smell something fragrant to help ground you through your senses.
• Touch the ground with your bare feet, lean heavily against a wall or lay on the hard floor, to feel grounded, touch is a powerful sense for this. 
• Set up a code word with a friend who can call you when you let them know you need grounding into reality and talk about how you feel and do some of the exercises together. 
• Animals can be a huge source of support when we need to connect with our present moment. Hug your pets or a friend’s animals or even a cuddly toy if that’s not possible. 

There are no drugs currently licensed to treat dissociation, however, psychiatric medication may be offered to you to treat other symptoms you may experience as a result of, or alongside, a dissociative disorder such as depression, anxiety or OCD, says Mind.

If you are worried your dissociation could put you in an unsafe situation, making a crisis plan can be helpful. This document explains what you would like to happen if you are not well enough to make decisions about your treatment or other aspects of your life – you can find out more information on planning for a crisis on Mind’s website.

Talking to people who also experience dissociation or dissociative disorders and sharing your experiences can also help.

Mind

Mind’s online peer support community, Side by Side, is a place where you can feel at home talking about your mental health and connect with others who understand what you are going through. Side by Side is available 24/7 to anyone over the age of 18 and is moderated daily from 8:30am to midnight.

Draw yourself a 5* bath, light your favourite candle, slip into something comfy and escape into the land of l-o-v-e this Valentine’s Day – you’ve got a hot date with these babin’ romance reads.

From the celebrated classics to contemporary rom-coms, affairs of the heart, childhood sweethearts, passion, tragedy, intrigue and unrequited love, the romance genre has something for every type of reader. 

A slew of satisfying happy ever afters,will they won’t they storylines and tear jerking plot twists await your readerly consumption…

1. It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover 

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Even though it’s been six years since Colleen Hoover’s bestselling novel came out, Booktok is still very much obsessed with this romance and rightly so – all aboard the hype train. It Ends With Us combines a captivating romance with unforgettable characters and a perfectly realised love triangle with such skill, you will have a visceral reaction to it in the best possible way. Prepare for one almighty book hangover because Co-Ho is a hard woman to follow. 

2. Things We Never Said by Nick Alexander

Purchase this read here!

If you like the correspondence, PS I Love You format, you’ll swoon all over this novel.  

Catherine was the love of Sean’s life. But now she is gone. All that’s left is a box full of envelopes, each containing a snapshot and a cassette tape.

Through a series of recordings, Catherine shares their long love story, but will Sean recognise the story she tells? Catherine’s words have been chosen with love, but are painfully honest—and sometimes simply painful. She reveals every unspoken thought and every secret she kept from her husband—revelations that will shake everything Sean thought he knew about their life together.

But as disconcerting as the tapes turn out to be, Sean prays that they will ultimately confirm the one thing he never dared question. Does destiny exist? And were his and Catherine’s love and life together always meant to be?

3. One Day by David Nicholls 

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You know you’re onto a good’un when Marian Keyes says she wishes she’d written it. Spanning 20 years and written in alternating POV, One Day follows main characters Emma and Dexter as they vow to meet up on the same day every year following a one night stand on the night of their graduation in 2008. It’s a story about growing up, self-discovery and the minutia of relationships. Worth every last tear. 

4. When Katie Met Cassidy by Camille Perri 

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Fast, sexy and laugh out loud funny, Camille Perri’s gay-girl meets straight-girl rom-com is a pitch perfect nod to Nora Ephron’s When Harry Met Sally. It tells the story of 28-year-old Katie Daniels, a corporate lawyer who’s just been dumped by her fiancé and the suited and booted Cassidy Price, her intimidating opposing counsel. At first neither of them know what to make of the other, but soon their unexpected connection will bring into question everything each of them thought they knew about sex and love. Psst! You’ll want to take a highlighter to the sex toy shopping scene…

5. When We Were Birds by Ayanna Lloyd Banwo

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Meet Darwin, a handsome gravedigger down on his luck and Yejide, the girl with the gift of speaking to the dead. Both have something that the other needs. Their destinies are intertwined, and they will find one another in the sprawling, ancient cemetery at the heart of the island, where trouble is brewing. This masterfully crafted Trinidad-set debut is the love-story-cum-ghost-story you didn’t know you needed this Valentine’s Day, from an irresistible new voice in fiction. Out today! Happy publication day, Ayanna. 

6. The Road Trip by Beth O’Leary 

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For fans of The Switch and The Flatshare, you’re in for a treat. Beth O’Leary is your elite Valentine! Ever wondered what would happen if you randomly bumped into an ex two years post-breakup and had to share an awkward 24-hour car journey with them? The Road Trip explores the trials and tribulations of *that* experience right here. 

With each chapter alternating between Addie and Dylan’s point of view, and a dual timeline to explore the then and now of their relationship, this is a story of love lost and second chances. It also handles some serious subject matter from sexual abuse, stalking and alcoholism – the grittiest of Beth O’Leary’s books so far. 

7. The Hating Game by Sally Thorne

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Exploring the thin line between love and hate, Sally Thorne’s novel is a treat for anyone who enjoys a classic rom-com enemies-to-lovers storyline.

Lucy Hutton and Joshua Templeman sit across from each other every day . . . and they hate each other.

Not dislike. Not begrudgingly tolerate. HATE. Lucy can’t understand Joshua’s joyless, uptight approach to his job and refusal to smile. Joshua is clearly baffled by Lucy’s overly bright clothes, quirkiness, and desire to be liked.

Now they’re up for the same promotion and Lucy, usually a determined people-pleaser, has had enough: it’s time to take him down. But as the tension between Lucy and Joshua reaches its boiling point, it’s clear that the real battle has only just begun. 

8. Me Before You by Jojo Moyes 

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You’ve probably watched the film starring Emilia Clarke and Sam Claflin a minimum of 3 (translation: 20) times but if you do one thing this February, couple up with the book and ship Will and Lou all over again. 

Will Traynor was once a successful businessman, travelling the world and enjoying extreme sports until a major accident left him quadriplegic, unable to move anything below his mid torso. Since his accident, he has no desire to live until Louisa Clark bursts into his life when she takes a job as his carer and sets out to help him find the joy in living again. “They had nothing in common until love gave them everything to lose.” Someone is cutting behemoth onions in here.

9. Normal People by Sally Rooney

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A subtle novel, packed with Rooney’s signature simplicity and nuanced observations. There’s no doubt about it, Normal People is one of the best romance stories of the 21^st Century. We said what we said. Prepare to swoon all over Marianne and Connell. 

10. Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen

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No self-respecting romance round up would be complete without what is arguably the greatest romance ever written. The genre would be nothing without Mr Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet. Nothing. 

11. A Certain Appeal by Vanessa King 

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A raunchy retelling of Pride & Prejudice with a Burlesque twist, Vanessa King’s novel is for anyone looking for more Will & Liz action. 

12. The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks 

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Are you even a true Notebook fan if you haven’t read the book? No doubt you’ve bawled your eyes out to the movie more times than you can count but the book just hits different. The hold this couple has on us. Allie and Noah would find each other in any lifetime. 

13. Maurice by E.M. Forster 

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Written by Forster in 1914 during a time when homosexuality was illegal, Maurice chronicles the sexual awakening of a young man and his journey to self-discovery. It was published after the author’s death and quickly became one of the greatest love stories of all time. 

14. Once Ghosted Twice Shy by Alyssa Cole

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Once Ghosted Twice Shy is part of Alyssa Cole’s Reluctant Royals series but works just as well as a stand-alone book. 

Months after Likotsi and Fabiola’s love affair ended in heartbreak, the two reunite on a subway train in New York City of all places. Fab asks for one cup of tea and Likotsi agrees, hoping she’ll find out why their whirlwind romance ended with a break up text. The course of true love never did run smooth! A grade A second-chance F/F romance novella for a cosy afternoon at home. 

15. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald 

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A novel with a special kind of staying power. Step back in time to the glamourous jazz age of hedonistic heights and heart wrenching tragedy in Fitzgerald’s beautifully written classic. “I wasn’t actually in love, but I felt a sort of tender curiosity.” Ooof, consider The Great Gatsby a compulsory read from one of the most distinguished authors in the history of American literature. 

16. The Right Swipe by Alisha Rai

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It’s a perfect match but will it last? Rhiannon Hunter may have revolutionised romance in the digital world, but in real life she only swipes right on her career – and the occasional hookup. The cynical dating app creator controls her love life with a few key rules: 

– Nude pics are by invitation only 

– If someone stands you up, block them

– Protect your heart 

Only there aren’t any rules to govern her attraction to her newest match, former sports star Samson Lima. The sexy and seemingly sweet hunk woos her one magical night… and then disappears. 

Rhi thought she’d buried her hurt over Samson ghosting her, until he suddenly surfaces months later, still big, still beautiful – and in league with a business rival. He says he won’t fumble their second chance, but she’s wary. A temporary physical partnership is one thing, but a merger of hearts? Surely that’s too high a risk…

17. Open Water by Caleb Azumah Nelson 

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A tender and intimate masterpiece about love and all it encompasses, deftly written by a promising new voice in fiction. Short enough to get through in one sitting, poignant enough to stay with you long after closing the cover. 

18. PS I Love You by Cecelia Ahern 

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With over 25 million copies sold worldwide, PS I Love You is a sensational novel with a storyline as bitter as it is sweet. It tells the story of childhood sweethearts Holly and Gerry – an inseparable couple who could finish each other’s sentences… 

When Gerry dies, Holly is devastated. But Gerry has left her a bundle of notes, one for each month of her year, each signed ‘PS, I Love You’.

As the notes are opened, the man who knows Holly better than anyone teaches her that life goes on. With some help from friends and family, Holly laughs, cries and finds that life is for living – but it helps if there’s someone watching over you. Nothing will make you weep like letters beyond the grave. Not. A. Dry. Eye. In. The. Vicinity. 

If you’re looking for something steamier than all of the above, may we point you in the direction of our 12 Saucy Books in the Same Throbbing League as Fifty Shades of Grey. You’re welcome.    

A plant-based diet can be for life, not just for January, so if the start of 2022 and the plentiful vegan launches popping up everywhere from McDonald’s to Aldi wet your palette for a very vegan 2022 then look no further for some everyday inspo to extend your eagerness into February and beyond! The content we consume on a daily basis no doubt has an impact on our lifestyle and influences everything from the new albums we head straight to Spotify to digest ASAP to the likeness of being either in or out of the Worlde gang (iykyk).

The lesson to be learnt: filling your feed with the vegan foodie fiends making plant-based life look easy is one easy step you can take, wherever you are on your journey to enjoying vegan alternatives or fully cutting animal products from your diet. Be it for daily inspiration or a reminder that you’re on the right track, here are a selection of our favourite vegan accounts to follow on Instagram that will have you salivating in a click…

@veganbrownting

Follow Abby on Instagram here!

If the adorable teacup Chihuahua ‘Miso’ wasn’t reason enough to follow Abby, her mixture of healthy and indulgent vegan recipes certainly will be. Whether you’re worried you’ll never replace a beef lasagna or that life wouldn’t be the same without an authentic Thai chicken curry in your life, Abby is here to prove anything you can make, she can make vegan. With notable shoutouts going to her creamy spaghetti carbonara with “This Isn’t Bacon” pieces and mouth watering Biscoff French toast roll ups (*chefs kiss* in an image), ingredients and method are mentioned there and then in the caption meaning you don’t even need to leave the app! If vegan-ifying the rest of your lifestyle is on the cards too, head to her Story Highlights for a rundown of the best cruelty free and vegan formulas in the world of beauty too. 

@veganbowls

Follow Vegan Bowls here!

With 3.1 million followers and claims of being the #1 Plant Based Community on Instagram, Vegan Bowls is the go-to destination for colourful, healthy and delicious recipes that will have you heading straight for the veg aisle. Combining and reposting recipes from the best vegan food creators around, it’s the perfect destination to head to when inspiration is low and hunger levels high. With highlights including Garlic “Honey” Tofu, Shredded Chick’n and Smashed Black Bean Quesadillas and Vegan French Onion Soup, you’ll have breakfast, lunches and dinners sorted for years to come. Explore even more plant-based recipes on their website, or purchase the Vegan Bowls physical cookbook for inspiration at your fingertips. 

@accidentallyveganuk

Follow Accidentally Vegan here!

For those hoping not to venture too far from their normal shopping habits then look no further than Accidentally Vegan, bringing you the cupboard and fridge essentials free of animal products that you might not suspect as vegan! Everything from Oreos to Walkers Prawn Cocktail crisps, Jus-Rol Pain au chocolates to Betty Crocker cake mixes are accidentally free of dairy, gelatine and meat, and are safe for vegan snack lovers everywhere. The page has branched out since its initial launch of sharing these unsuspecting products specifically and is now a go-to for all things new vegan launches and nationwide restaurant menu additions- if there’s a development in the plant-based world you best believe Accidentally Vegan will know about it. 

@tastycurls

Follow Rachel here!

With a website, Instagram, E-book and YouTube channel under her belt, you won’t be short of inspiration with Rachel’s content under your belt, helping you create tasty, nourishing and creative vegan meals, whether you’re a dab hand at this plant-based thing or are completely new to the world of vegan cooking. Self-taught cook and recipe developer, Rachel’s content focuses on wholesome plant-based meals including traditional Ghanaian dishes such as Jollof rice and plantain, and perhaps more familiar dishes of pistachio pesto pasta with marinated olives. Head to her Instagram Highlights for restaurant and eating out recommendations too, and digest some of Rachel’s knowledge and delicious recipes. 

@thelittlelondonvegan

Follow Clare here!

Heading to the Big Smoke and in need of restaurant recommendations? Clare of The Little London Vegan has you covered. Previously the Chief Vegan Officer at Papa John’s, and anti food waste advocate, Clare shares the best of the best vegan menus and dishes in the country’s capital, with her colourful images and drool-worthy Reels making a weekend in London all the more appealing. Her delectably detailed captions mean there’s no guesswork involved when it comes to making a booking you know will go down a treat for vegans and meat eaters alike, because when plant-based looks this good, who needs more?!

@fatgayvegan

Follow Fat Gay Vegan here!

Author, columnist for Vegan Life Magazine and all round hoot and a half on Instagram, Sean O’Callaghan aka Fat Gay Vegan has been sharing plant-based food, restaraunt and pop-up recommendations since 2010. Passionate about promoting the benefits of a vegan lifestyle from an ethical and “not a health trend” standpoint, his approach to ditching animal products is passionate yet kind, leading the way in showing life as a vegan as vibrant and franky delicious too. And if travelling as a vegan ever crossed your mind as an issue, Sean is here to prove you wrong. His role as Curator for Vegan Culinary Cruises sees him create unique trip interiaries designed for vegan and vegan-curious travellers looking to enjoy a 100% plant-based adventure holiday pairing exploration and delicious vegan cuisine. Who else is sold on the US National Parks Adventure in May?

@veganpixie_

Follow Georgia here!

Queen of everyday, realistic and accessible vegan meal and snack ideas, Georgia aka Vegan Pixie is a go-to for anyone starting out in their journey with veganism and looking for easy switches that mean life can go on as usual. A mixture of home cooking, new launch reviews and a realistic look at eating vegan whilst away from home in her Story Highlights, Georgia’s page is perfect for students or those looking for simple ideas to switch up their weekly menu. With recipes including vegan duck bao buns and trying out restaurants such as Vurger Co and PieMinister (a Sunday lunch dream), look no further for everyday inspiration!

@ambertheevegan

Follow Amber here!

As much as food is a huge part of a vegan lifestyle, it isn’t the only thing you’ll need to shake up if you’re looking to fully commit to a life in which no animals are harmed. Introducing: Amber of @amberthevegan. Her feel-good and beautifully colourful Instagram account is a one-stop-shop for anyone ready to reinvent their lifestyle from the basics up, featuring skincare must-have, beauty salon recommendations, and make-up tutorials as well as delicious food inspo including cinnamon waffles and satay noodles- need we say more?!

@thee_burger_dude

Follow The Burger Dude here!

For those who claim leaving behind burgers wouldn’t be worth the sacrifice, we dare you to scroll Watson’s page for a mere 10 seconds and then come back to us. Vegan since March 2018, he’s been busy veganizing his favourite dishes one recipe at a time, which is no mean feat given by his own admission he was a big consumer of meat and dairy products before researching our food systems and the animal agriculture industry. Watson’s Instagram and website prove you can still have burgers, mac n’ cheese, fried chick’n and any other kind of comfort food with plant-based ingredients, with his slick looking imagery making every image an instant ‘save for later’. We’ll be dreaming of his Honey BBQ Chicken Strip Sandwich for the foreseeable…

@maxlamanna

Follow Max here!

With one million followers to his name, Max La Manna’s Instagram is the place to go if you ever find yourself feeling bored of your usual weekday dinners or in need of a new found motivation to shop and cook vegan. The low waste chef and climate activist has had an impressive career so far, with just one of his many accolades including the publishing of his cookbook More Plants Less Waste which focuses on discovering a stronger purpose in the kitchen and helping both the planet and the animals we know and love. Through his viral recipe videos and work with BBC Earth and beyond, Max has inspired followers across the world to “rethink their approach to food consumption and made it his mission to breathe new life into our leftovers that are typically destined for the bin” and we couldn’t love him more for it.

Staying in may no longer be mandatory, but you certainly might be planning on it this February if any of your recent bank transactions involve a selection of irresistibly sexy and deliciously lacy lingerie designed to be taken off in an instant. 

Whether you’re loved up and living with a significant other or are single and plan to dance around your room to Doja Cat looking a cool 11/10, the selection of alluring/sultry/tempting/sexy/tantalising underwear available to shop right now is enough to get hearts racing quicker than the Duke’s spoon #throwback. 

In recent years there has been an explosion in women’s underwear brands reclaiming back the power from the male gaze, showcasing designs by women, for women that are created with one key aim: inclusivity and empowerment. From Savage X Fenty and Dora Larsen to Wednesday’s Girl and Beija London, we’re spoilt for choice in finding a set that personifies the flame emoji and exudes confidence from the very base of your outfit. So whether you’re adding some extra lace to your look this Valentine’s weekend with the hopes of seducing a lover, or simply celebrating your body in all its beauty, keep scrolling for the creme de la creme of lingerie guaranteed to make a statement …

*This post contains ad-affiliate links

Dubbed the hottest debut of 2022, Wahala certainly gave us something to smile about this January.

The draft poured out of Nikki May in six months and when you get to know the characters, you’ll understand why.

At the core of the book is a story about three thirty-something women of mixed Nigerian and English heritage Ronke, Simi and Boo. Ronke wants the happy ever after with a man as perfect as her late father. Boo has everything Ronke wants – the 5-year-old daughter, the kind husband, the dream house – but she’s unfulfilled and plagued by guilt. Then there’s Simi, she’s got an amazing job and an even more amazing wardrobe but she’s crippled by imposter syndrome and her husband thinks they’re trying for a baby but she’s still on birth control…

Then the glamorous Isobel, an old friend of Simi’s, explodes onto the scene like a wrecking ball. At first, it seems she’s got everyone’s best interests at heart, she goes running with Boo, she gets Simi an interview in Shanghai but her real motive for infiltrating this friendship group and causing Wahala (which means trouble in Yoruba) propels the narrative all the way to the explosive final chapters.

Keep reading to find the team’s reviews on this razor-sharp debut from a brilliant new voice!

The Synopsis:

Ronke, Simi, Boo are three mixed-race friends living in London. They have the gift of two cultures, Nigerian and English. Not all of them choose to see it that way.
Everyday racism has never held them back, but now in their thirties, they question their future. Ronke wants a husband (he must be Nigerian); Boo enjoys (correction: endures) stay-at-home motherhood; while Simi, full of fashion career dreams, rolls her eyes as her boss refers to her urban vibe yet again.

When Isobel, a lethally glamorous friend from their past arrives in town, she is determined to fix their futures for them. Cracks in their friendship begin to appear, and it is soon obvious Isobel is not sorting but wrecking. When she is driven to a terrible act, the women are forced to reckon with a crime in their past that may just have repeated itself.

Explosive, hilarious and wildly entertaining, this razor-sharp tale of love, race and family will have you laughing, crying and gasping in horror. Fearlessly political about class, colourism and clothes, the spellbinding Wahala is for anyone who has ever cherished friendship, in all its forms.

What do the words knoll, favor and proxy all have in common? They’ve all caused outrage in the Wordleverse, that’s what. 

If you haven’t heard of Wordle, start playing it here and prepare for it to rule your very existence and be the bane of it too. Seriously, we don’t remember life BW (before Worldle), nor do we want to. It’s basically the banana bread of 2022. 

The simple five-letter word game will have a hold on you stronger than Harry Styles. One minute you’ll be looking over someone’s shoulder as they punch in various 5 letter words to Tetris-like blocks thinking that’ll never be me, next minute you’re waiting up till midnight to be one of the first to discover today’s word, telling your boyfriend to (actual quote) ‘Wordle more quietly’ and ‘GIVE ME SPACE’ as he keeps asking what line you’re on. 

The viral daily word game created by software engineer Josh Wardle can be played through your web browser. The rules are simple, you have six tries at guessing a five-letter word. When you get a letter right and it’s in the right place, one of five tiles turns green. If you’ve got the letter right but it’s in the wrong place, it goes yellow. A grey tile means that letter is not in the word and the game will be particularly insufferable. 

A Wordle comes but once a day and that’s half the fun of it. It doesn’t take up too much of your time. People often take to Twitter to bemoan a particularly controversial five letter word, sometimes using a four-letter one – favor was a bad day to be a UK Wordler – and then you do it all again the next day, punching the air when you get a word in one or vowing never to play the stupid f*cking game ever again when you get the passive-aggressive,  “phew that was close” warning. 

It’s a universal lived experience we can share together each day – delighting in its simplicity and posting our pathetic little frustrated tiles on Instagram alongside cries of, “Wtf is a knoll?” 

The only downside is that you only get to Wordle once a day, so in the name of preventing our ageing brains from decomposing quicker than a Primark bag in a storm or a corn puff Wotsit on the tongue, we’ve discovered a few word-based games you can play whilst you countdown the hours until Christmas Wordle morning. 

Typeshift 

Dubbed the modern anagram puzzle, Typeshift’s the perfect game to play in quick bursts whenever you need to unwind for a few minutes between tasks. In most anagram games, you search for new combinations within a single word, but in Typeshift, you search within three to five words stacked & scrambled up together.

Shift the columns of letters in the grid up and down until you form a word in the central row. When you’ve used all the letters once and turned all the tiles blue, you can consider yourself a linguistic genius (it’s not hyperbolic if it’s true) and enjoy the thrill of your post puzzle pick-me-up. 

Unlike a traditional crossword, you can flick all the letters around until your brain spots a word – kind of like a linguistic Rubik’s cube. One you’ve solved all the words in the pack, you can move onto ‘Clue Puzzles’ to find the words that match the clues. Once you find an answer and spell it in the centre row, tap the clue it answers. If you’re right, the clue will be filled in and any letters that aren’t in the other answers will be removed from the puzzle. With over a hundred free games and a daily puzzle to complete, you’ve got hours of fun right at your fingertips. 

Download it here. 

Nerdle

Now this one might take longer than your usual Wordle coffee break if you’re not a fan of numbers. Nerdle gives you six chances to guess a numerical equation, using numbers 0 to 9, +, -, /, and =. If you’re more Rachel Riley than Susie Dent then Nerdle is exactly the kind of tonic you might be looking for.

Get our your calculator and trial it here.

Kitty Letter

Described as ‘Scrabble combined with Clash Royale’, Kitty Letter is a free game from the makers of popular card game Exploding Kittens. To play, you’ve got to unscramble words in the enchanted language vortex to protect yourself and your home from legions of exploding cats. Every word you find spawns magical cats that defend your home and march across the street to attack the crazy cat man who lives in a trailer. The bigger the word, the more cats you send out. Play alone or go head-to-head with friends or strangers in multiplayer mode and may the best linguist win. 

Prepare your army of cats here. 

Wordscapes

For fans of crosswords and anagrams, Wordscapes is the best of both worlds. With over 6,000 puzzles, you’ll have plenty of games to keep you entertained. To play, simply use your finger to connect random letters in a circle to find the hidden words and fill the crossword. Climb the levels and gradually progress to harder puzzles to challenge your brain. If you get stuck, you can tap the shuffle button or get a hint to help you. 

Download the app here. 

Play Four

You’re given a four-by-four crossword consisting of eight words running vertically and horizontally, with clues for each along the left-hand side. You’re scored on how many moves you make and the time it takes to complete the puzzle and there are regular modes (would recommend) and expert. Much like Wordle, you get one play per day, so use it wisely. Go forth and treat yourself.\

Give it a go here.

NY Times Spelling Bee 

Another game guaranteed to get word nerds buzzing. Each daily Spelling Bee puzzle contains seven unique letters arranged in a hive shape and players need to make as many words as they can using them. The rules don’t end there though. Words must be four letters or longer and they must contain the highlighted letter in the middle of the honeycomb at least once. To make things even more challenging, ‘s’ doesn’t exist in the land of the Spelling Bee, so when it comes to plurals, you need to think outside the hive. Its only redeeming feature is you’re allowed to use letters more than once. Four letter words are worth one point each whilst longer words earn you one point per letter and every puzzle contains one pangram using every letter in the honeycomb shape. Top tip: use the shuffle function to shake up the letters so you can see the puzzle from a different angle. 

Play Spelling Bee straight from your web browser via the NY Times website here. 

BYRDLE

Sound familiar? There are plenty of Wordle riffs out there to play so if you find yourself addicted to the thrill of sussing out that five-letter brainteaser every day, then BYRDLE’s the word. It’s pretty much the same game, the only difference being that the daily BYRDLE is always related to chorus music. How niche. We’re not sure if a theme makes it easier or harder. 

Play Byrdle here.

Taylordle

A niche version of Worlde we can get behind! Flex your Taylor Swift knowledge with 5 letter favourites from all her best songs. From Betty to Lover, Blank to Space you’ll never feel smarter as a die-hard swiftie.

Try your favourite lyrics here.

Hello Wordl

Surprise, surprise another knockoff Wordle but here’s the fun / frustrating part: you decide how many letters it is. Feeling frazzled? Go for four. Swallowed a dictionary? Go for ten. Unlike the OG, there’s no daily limit so you can have as many goes as you like. Consider it research for when your daily Wordle comes around again. 

Try it here.

Daily Jumble

Un-jumble the four words to complete the comic. The circled letters in each of the answers become the jumbled answer for the game’s cartoon clue. When you solve an answer in the first 30 seconds of the game, your score for the word is multiplied by five. You can use the hint button if you get stuck but you will have to sacrifice some of your points for the privilege. 

Play it here.

Word Connect

The brain-training puzzle game everyone needs on their home screen. Simply swipe the blocks to connect the letters to create new words and work your way through the levels. Praise be for games you can play one-handed.  

Use the hint button to get a clue or hit the shuffle button to reorganise the letters when you need to look at it with a fresh set of eyes.

Download it here.