Whether you love it or you hate it, there’s no denying that Black Friday is a shopping holiday that’s here to stay, and really who doesn’t want a little discount on a present to themselves or others, ESPECIALLY in 2020?!

Your personality traits likely determine what kind of Black Friday shopper you are (from cool, calm and collected to impulse and everything in between), but whatever your strategy, it’s a great opportunity to bag some discounted Christmas presents and finally tick off any big-ticket items you’ve been eyeing up lately.

It might feel like an odd time to be focused on material items during a year none of us feel like we need anything other than health and time with loved ones, but nevertheless it can be those indulgent picks that help to put a smile on the face of both you and the lucky recipient. Gift giving gives off good vibes!

Which items have been sat in your basket waiting for today to finally roll around?

H&M
20% off everything!

ASOS
Up to 70% off everything

Topshop
25% off everything

White Company
20% Off using code MAGICAL20

Anthropologie
25% off everything using code: OURTREAT

Beauty
Find the best discounts in our
Black Friday Cheat Sheet here

*This post contains ad-affiliate links

Biagio removing a bloody tampon like he was just casually fishing out a tea bag from a cuppa was iconic enough, and then he went on to prod an actual period blood clot in the middle of a sex scene with unabashed acceptance. It was the refreshing and nuanced portrayal of sex we didn’t know we needed to see.

If you are the proud owner of a uterus, the chances are you’ve felt like some kind of period pariah at some stage in your life, no thanks to the whole bleeding from your vag thing which apparently still seems to be a radical act, even in 2020.

Often, it’s the blood factor that can put couples off exploring and enjoying menstrual sex, but having a good bonk can be pretty messy anyway, so what’s a bit of cervical mucus when you’re covered in bodily fluids anyway?

When you’re sharing your body with someone, you’re sharing your whole body with them and menstruation is a very natural and normal part of that intimacy. And hey, if it makes your cycle more enjoyable, why not capitalise on that? This is what dark bedsheets and shower sex was made for, people.

Sure, if it’s not your jam and you can’t think of anything worse than doing the moves when it feels like someone left a Nutribullet unattended on beast mode in the deep depths of your womb, you are more than welcome to sit and cry this one out with a hot water bottle and some snacks. There’s no judgement or shame either way, just as long as you’re not letting Aunt Flo stand in the way of a good shag.

The benefits of period sex may surprise you, from helping to ease period cramp to better orgasms, natural lubrication and increased pleasure. Experiencing sensual pleasure and orgasm releases the feel-good chemicals dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins and these can act as natural painkillers. Orgasms and pain-relief? What a crowd-pleaser.

We should stress that all the usual caveats apply with period sex. You still need to use contraception in the same way you would if you were not on your period. Whilst it’s true that the odds of getting pregnant while menstruating are lower, it’s still possible and you can also still contract and pass on STIs.

It can be poetic and romantic if you stop listening to the narrative that tells you it’s dirty and gross, and instead listen to the narrative that says life is short, sex feels good and periods happen.

So, when the river runs red, bloody well make Cherryade!

Christmas movie season is a go! We refuse to hold off until December because it’s been a bloody bleak and miserable year and watching a weepy, beautiful Jude Law cuddled up with Diaz in a tent will cheer us up no end.

The Holiday (2006)

Yes, we’re watching it again, what of it, Karen? Few can compete with this elite Christmas fable starring Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jude Law as the weepy single dad & Jack Black as the only casting mistake.

The Christmas Chronicles 1 (2018) & 2 (2020)

In this instant holiday classic, Kurt Russell plays a fine laid-back Father Christmas, possibly the best there has ever been. We said what we said. When siblings Kate & Teddy try to catch Santa on video, they accidentally cause his sleigh to crash. With Christmas in jeopardy, they join forces with Saint Nick on an unexpected mission to save the holiday.

And yes, the sequel to The Christmas Chronicles has just landed, so 2020 is officially saved. Unhappy with her mum’s new relationship, a now-teenage Kate runs away and winds up at the North Pole, where a naughty elf is plotting to cancel Christmas.

Holiday In The Wild (2019)

If you thought you were done and dusted with all your elephant-related crying after Dumbo, you were wrong. After her husband abruptly ends their marriage, Kate (Kristin Davis) embarks on a solo second honeymoon in Africa. There, she and Derek, a pilot, rescue a baby elephant. While nursing the elephant back to health, Kate discovers how much she loves her new surroundings. Cue the mistletoe.

Christmas With The Kranks (2004)

Starring Tim Allen, Jamie Lee Curtis & Dan Aykroyd, this spirited Christmas comedy is a bad Christmas movie favourite. When their only daughter, Blair, leaves home for the holidays, Luther (Allen) and Nora (Curtis) decide to skip their usual high-octane celebrations and go on a cruise instead. But when Blair decides to return home for Christmas after all, they are left with just a few hours to pull their neighbours together for the best celebration ever.

Holidate (2020)

Who needs Oscar winning cinematography when you can have pure Hallmark corn? Holidate is a self-aware rom-com about two holiday cynics, Sloane (Emma Roberts) and Jackson (Luke Bracey). They agree to be one another’s platonic plus ones to every holiday date for a year, only to catch real feelings along the way.

The Knight Before Christmas (2019)

An endearing saccharine holiday rom-com starring Vanessa Hudgens – a medieval knight is transported to present-day Ohio where he falls head over heels for a high school science teacher, who helps him navigate the modern world and fulfil his mysterious quest. It’s a guilty pleasure movie there for the taking.

Christmas With The Coopers (2015)

Christmas is the season for the Coopers to come together for a drama-filled dysfunctional family reunion. As the evening unfolds and a series of unexpected visitors and unlikely events turn the night upside down, the Cooper clan rediscover the true spirit of the holiday.

Operation Christmas Drop (2020)

Operation Christmas Drop transports you to the island of Guam for the holiday season. The beachside rom-com follows a congressional aide named Erica who is sent to investigate a tropical US Air Force Base using military cargo planes to drop Christmas gifts & supplies to remote islands. Her boss wants to shut it down but when Erica experiences the communal spirit of the Christmas Drop for herself (and meets a certain captain eye candy), she has a change of heart.

The Princess Switch (2018)

A Chicago baker and soon-to-be princess (both played by Vanessa Hudgens) discover they are doppelgängers and trade places for a few days. It’s like Parent Trap on Christmas steroids.

The Princess Switch: Switched Again (2020)

Netflix are filling the 2020 void with those long-awaited sequels and tbh, we are so ready for another Hudgens holiday switcheroo.

Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Journey (2020)

Featuring music by John Legend, Jingle Jangle is a musical feast for the whole family. The film follows the legendary toy maker, Jeronicus Jangle (Forest Whitaker) whose inventions burst with whimsy and wonder. But when his trusted apprentice steals his most prized creation, it’s up to his spirited and adventurous granddaughter, Journey (Madalen Mills) to reawaken the magic within. A warm-hearted tale with all the trimmings!

A Christmas Prince (2017) A Christmas Prince 2: A Royal Wedding (2018) A Christmas Prince 3: The Royal Baby (2019)

An aspiring journalist casually sneaks into a palace to get the scoop on a young future king. Realistic? No. But does it make for a delightfully bad but irresistibly watchable viewing? Yes, we believe it does. If nonsensical schmaltzy Christmas movies is what you crave, you’ve found it x 3 in this Netflix original trilogy.

Let It Snow (2019)

Slushy, clichéd and lame with all the Love Actually vibes, Let It Snow has all the tropes of a typical Christmas film. Based on the best-selling YA novel of the same name, the festive flick follows the stories of a group of small-town high school seniors in the midst of a major snowstorm on Christmas Eve.

Klaus (2019)

A top tier Christmas movie in 2019? Santa take the wheel. This original animated feature narrowly missed out on an Oscar last year (to Toy Story 4 – what the fork?) and let it be known that 2019 did Klaus seriously dirty because it is a 2D hand-drawn animation film and it deserved to take home that award, for crying out loud. Five stars!

Dr. Seuss’ The Grinch (2018)

Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without this green-skinned disgruntled festive grump and his village pint-sized Whos. In this film, we get a softer version of Jim Carey’s brilliant but brutal green character and in 2020, we welcome anything that feels cosy and safe. Thank you, Benedict Cumberbatch, kind sir.

Arthur Christmas (2011)

At Santa Claus’s super-secret toy-making facility, Mr. Claus entrusts his son, Arthur, to carry out an ultra-important Christmas mission. An adorable oldie packed with relentless positivity, Arthur Christmas is the wholesome feel-good animation we all need to see us out of the 2020 sh*tshow.

What will you be tuning in to this Christmas?

First of all, how are you and how are you coping in lockdown?

I am well. Lockdown has been a busy time for me, juggling both parenting and working from home, like so many others across the country. I am grateful that schools have been able to stay open this time. It gives the children a sense of normality as well as parents.

Talk us through your journey online and what you’re getting up to at the moment?

What an adventure it has been! In therapy, I have an hour to talk people through these concepts. On social media, I often have just 30 seconds. That forced me to strip away any jargon that wasn’t absolutely necessary to the message and get creative making it as engaging as possible. Throughout the 2020 lockdowns, it has felt like an online family of people all being hugely supportive of each other. Of course, the second lockdown has added difficulties of autumn weather and darker evenings that can really get people down. So I have continued sharing any tips that may help. I’ve also been able to spread the word further on programmes like the Radio 1 Life Hacks.

What did you study to become a psychologist?

To become a clinical psychologist I first completed an undergraduate BSc Psychology degree and then, after gaining experience working in research and mental health, completed a further Doctorate in Clinical Psychology. After that, I worked in a range of mental health services, from crisis teams and intensive care wards to primary care before starting my private practice.

When and why did you decide to start putting your learnings on social media?

This time last year I started on my social media journey and it’s been a rollercoaster! In my work as a psychologist, I was providing individual therapy. One aspect of therapy involves teaching people a bit about how their mind works and some of the ways we can manage emotions and mood changes.

I noticed that lots of people, once they had that information, felt empowered to manage their own mental health much more. But I didn’t see why people should have to pay to see a therapist to get access to this sort of education. So I started making a few short videos and putting them on social media.

I didn’t expect people to respond in the way that they have. But 12 months later and I now have 2.3 million followers on Tiktok and 267,000 followers on Instagram. The incredible feedback from everyone has kept me going. As long as real people are finding real value in the videos, then I will keep going.

What is your favourite platform to create content for at the moment?

Wow, that’s a difficult one. I have absolutely loved getting creative on Tiktok, especially during that first lockdown. But I’m also excited by the chance to now explore that with reels on Instagram. I would love to make some slightly longer, more detailed videos for IGTV too.

What does your content cover?

I share lots of insights and tips from therapy that can help all of us to understand a bit more about how our minds work and how to look after our mental health day to day. But there is more to psychology than mental health and I love to share some of the classic experiments and mind-blowing illusions that tell us something about our brains. I recently shared a video on something called the Thatcher effect and people loved watching it and sharing it with their friends. It was viewed over 30 million times so it looks like I’m not the only one who is fascinated by the human brain.

You’re huge on TikTok, what do you think is the key to success there?

I think short and snappy content that engages people from the very first moment. People love to see something that they can relate to or share with their friends. But the second that people don’t feel absorbed by a video, it’s all too easy to scroll on. So whatever your message, it must be engaging.

What would you say is your biggest achievement to date?

People might expect me to say something about my career, and I am proud of many achievements along the way. But for me, without a doubt, my biggest achievement continues to be showing up for my three children every day. The challenges of parenting constantly change but the close bond I have with each of them means everything to me.

What are you currently working on?

I’m currently working on designing more resources to help people put some of the concepts and skills into practice, so keep an eye out for that in the near future. I’ve also been able to get involved in a few projects with the BBC. I can’t reveal anything just yet, but keep an eye on my Instagram to find out soon.

What do you always carry with you?

A mother of three would not be caught anywhere without a packet of wet wipes! But I’m guessing you are looking for something more interesting than that. Honestly, I carry as little as possible. I recently bought a micro scooter that is my new favourite thing. I love to whiz around town on it. Nothing brings out the kid in you like a scooter. But that means you need your hands free so mostly, it’s just me and my phone.

What does your perfect weekend look like?

It would include my three babies, husband and our little dog, Millie. We love letting the three of them choose a weekend adventure. That could involve building a den in the woods, jumping in puddles, paddling in the sea, or dancing around the kitchen to our favourite music. It’s all heaven to me. My work becoming so busy this year has given me a solid appreciation and gratitude for the time I spend with them and a determination to be present when it counts.

If you could only eat one meal again what would it be?

I found myself overthinking this one as if I would have to really commit to it. But, I love Japanese style food with vegetables and noodles in some sort of ramen type of meal. Waggamamas is a solid favourite.

If you could give one positive message to our followers what would it be?

Treat your mental health with the same priority that you give to your physical health. Always be looking for ways to enhance your wellbeing and resilience. You never know when it will be challenged. Don’t wait for things to disrupt it before taking care of yourself.

Follow Dr Julie on Instagram here and TikTok here!

The biggest shopping event of the calendar year is just around the corner, which means we’re about to be bombarded with deals and bargains galore. Overwhelmed, much? Don’t fret. We’ve got a one-stop-shop cheat sheet for you, featuring all the best Black Friday deals from your favourite brands, so you can snag the best daily discounts without the headache. We’ll be updating this list with new deals as they happen, so stay tuned!

Fashion

& Other Stories
20% off everything with code FRIDAY20

Topshop
25% off everything

MANGO
Up to 50% off thousands of items
Ends 29/11

H&M
20% off everything

Weekday
Up to 50% selected items

Urban Outfitters
Super Weekend
Up to 50% off selected lines

ASOS
Up to 70% off everything

Matalan
£10 off when you spend £50 with code: BFSAVE10*
Matalan exclusive Affiliate code – The code AFF20 will offer 20% off everything (full price)
25/11-30/11

Whistles
25% off full price
Extra 15% off sale

Missguided
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Public Desire
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NastyGal
60% off everything

New Look
Up to 60% off selected lines

Boden
30% off mini and menswear today only 27/11
30%* off womenswear
Use code C4L3 at checkout
*Exclusions apply

Karen Millen
Up to 70% off everything

Marks & Spencer
30% off selected womenswear
40% off selected homeware

Boohoo
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The Daily Edited
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The Outnet
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(almost) everything with code BLACKFRIDAY. Excludes Just In

Farfetch
Get up to 50% off Sale plus an extra 20% off

Net-A-Porter
Up to 50% off – T&Cs apply
Black Friday special: +15% off beauty edit
+free shipping on all orders

Revolve
Up to 50% off select styles

Home

Anthropologie
25% off everything using code: OURTREAT

The White Company
20% Off using code MAGICAL20

MADE
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Oliver Bonas
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Trouva
Each piece you find on Trouva has been handpicked by an independent boutique and for a limited time only is now at up to 50% off

Beauty

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GHD
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Kiehl’s
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Feel Unique
Up to 33% off / 20% off NYX / 20% off L’Oreal / 30% off Bioderma

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*This post contains ad-affiliate links

Love ‘em or hate ‘em, Christmas isn’t Christmas without the humble mince pie.

Nowadays, you don’t have to have a Tudor’s palate to appreciate the yuletide tradition, since we’ve generally agreed to drop the meat out of the equation, even if we do insist on calling the fruity filling mincemeat. Go figure.

You can chop and change the ingredients to taste but we’ve gone for nuts, white choc & cranberry and classic chocolate orange to keep things high key Christmassy.

SERVES 18

PREP: 30 MINS COOK: 15 MINS

EASY

INGREDIENTS

Ingredients

White Chocolate & Cranberry

• 100g almonds
• 100g pecans
• 100g Cranberry
• 100g dried cranberries
• 3 tbsp cranberry jelly
• 125g White chocolate chips

Chocolate Orange Filling

• 75g milk chocolate chips
• 75g dark chocolate chips
• 100g Apricots
• 3 tbsp marmalade
• Large apple, coarsely grated
• Zest of half an orange

For the pastry

• Jus-Rol Shortcrust pastry (or make your own from scratch)
• Flour, to dust
• Medium egg, beaten
• Icing sugar, to dust

• Preheat oven to 190°C (170°C fan)
• Combine all your ingredients for each ‘mincemeat’ thoroughly
• Roll out pastry on a floured surface until it’s 3mm thick. Stamp out 12 rounds using an 8cm fluted cutter and line a 12-hole bun tin.
• Divide mincemeat among pastry cases.
• Re-roll pastry and stamp out lids. Top each pie with a lid and brush with beaten egg.
• Bake for 12-15min until golden.
• Leave in tins for 3min, then transfer to a wire rack to cool.
• Serve warm or at room temperature with a dusting of icing sugar and gobble with glee.

Stand out brands include Chelsea Peers, M&S, The White Company and Next, making it easy to nail pyjamas, dressing gowns, slippers and fluffy socks in one! There’s something so special about a fresh pair of pyjamas on Christmas Eve that sparks the excitement and magic this time of year brings to life, and we have a feeling that buzz in your stomach and warmth in your heart will feel stronger than ever in 2020.

When do you start donning your Christmas pyjamas? 10+ cosy points if your answer was November 1st!

Zoe

These are my Christmas pj’s of choice this year! I’ve bought them for the family to match on Christmas Day! (a tradition we love). The material of Chelsea Peers is always such great quality and are so comfy! I’m also currently living in these Next moccasin slippers and the best and most cosy dressing gown you could ever own is this one from Marks and Spencer!

Chelsea Peers, CHELSEA PEERS NYC FOIL CHRISTMAS TREE LONG PJ SET, £45

Next, Suede Moccasin Slippers, £26 

*Marks and Spencer, Fleece Dressing Gown, £28 

Lareese

Gifting Christmas PJs has become a tradition in our family. I love me a good set of long PJs all year round but I rarely buy them for myself so opening a festive pair on Christmas Day and climbing into them in the evening fills me with inexplicable glee. This cosy set from Joules is going straight on my wish list!

*Joules, GOODNIGHT CHRISTMAS REINDEER PYJAMAS, £44.95 

Cath Kidston, Long PJ Set Festive Animals, £55 

Next, Cosy Pyjamas In Gift Bag, £26 

*The White Company, Moon-&-Star-Print Pyjama Bottoms, £42 

*The White Company, Moon & Star-Print Pyjama Shirt, £40 

Darcey

I just could not pick one set from Chelsea Peers as they are all so bloody cute! I mean how can you pick between a Christmas reindeer set or a Christmas Llama set? Just not possible. Also, these sets come in a really wide range set, for men, women, children and dogs! Obviously, no cosy night is without a fluffy dressing gown and some slippers, I am loving mule style slippers at the moment and these ones from Next are super comfy!

Chelsea Peers, CHELSEA PEERS NYC CURVE CHRISTMAS REINDEER ECO LONG PYJAMA SET, £35 

Chelsea Peers, CHELSEA PEERS NYC CHRISTMAS LLAMA ECO LONG PYJAMA SET, £35 

*Marks and Spencer, Hooded Dressing Gown, £28 

Next, Suede Mule Slippers, £20 

Danielle

I usually opt for something jersey and patterned for Christmas and love this fun polar bear print from M&S. I’ve also fallen in love with a short this year and much prefer sleeping in them, this little set is a good nod to Christmas from ASOS. If I’m really pushing the boat out it’s the best time of year to treat yourself to some spenny jams like this pair I’ve got my eye on from The White Company. Of course, you have to finish any look off with a novelty slipper!

*The White Company, Brushed-Cotton Gingham Pyjama Set, £80 

*H&M, Knitted slippers, £12.99 

*ASOS, ASOS DESIGN slouchy sweat & stripe short pyjama set in white & red, £24 

*Marks and Spencer, Women’s Family Christmas Pyjama Set, £19.50 

Maddie

With my ever-expanding baby belly, knowing what to wear to bed is getting more challenging. I’m usually a fan of a long PJ set but the more I size up on the waist the more they drown me in other areas, quite the conundrum! Next do some amazing options that are super cosy and have plenty of giving which is exactly what I need at the moment!

Next, Cosy Pyjamas With Scrunchie, £26 

Next, Pyjamas In Gift Bag, £24 

Next, Cosy Pyjamas With Scrunchie, £26 

Charlotte

We’ve all been loving our faithful loungewear this year but I’m v excited to branch out into some new, cosy Christmas pj’s to spice things up a little. I love a super cosy and warm fleece material so that’s always my go-to- there is personally no such thing as too much cosy in this instance. The star print navy jammies from John Lewis are my more sophisticated pick (if that even exists in the PJ world) and ones I would happily wear in front of extended family when the 3 pm Christmas Day slump hits.

*Marks and Spencer, Fleece Heart Print Pyjama Set, £15 

*John Lewis, Cyberjammies Stella Star Print Pyjama Set, Navy, £48 

*Hollister, Gilly Hicks Dreamworthy Soft Joggers, £25 

Holly

Nothing better than a cosy winter night watching Harry Potter or Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging. Last year I got some pj’s from Chelsea Peers for Christmas and they’ve just launched a loungewear range which you BET I have my eye on. And no night in is complete without a huge blanket wrapped around me and fluffy socks on my tootsies.

Chelsea Peers, CHELSEA PEERS NYC LOUNGE TIE DYE BLUE HOODIE, £30 

Chelsea Peers, CHELSEA PEERS NYC LOUNGE TIE DYE BLUE JOGGER, £30 

*New Look, 2 Pack Pink Super Soft Bouclé Slipper Socks, £4.99 

*Matalan, Stripe Faux Fur Throw Blanket, £25 

Shop the post

*This post contains ad-affiliate links

Here’s a look at the team’s answers to this month’s BYAM life dilemmas.

Lareese

Hi lovely! Oh man, I feel for you. Is your partner aware that you feel this way? I think the best course of action would be to first broach the subject with him first and see if he can subtly mention it into a conversation with his mum, so it doesn’t become this huge drama when it doesn’t need to be. You’re all grown-ups, and as much as it’s lovely for her to be so involved with both your lives, living next door to one another is bound to get a little intense and as a couple, it’s SO important that you have that space, independence and ultimately, privacy.

If your mother-in-law is used to snapping her fingers, barking orders and turning up uninvited, perhaps suggest a particular day /evening see each other and try to plan times to spend quality time together, rather than your partner being at her beck and call all the time. I also think it comes down to compromise and communication and it’s probably a conversation that’s better coming from her son than from you, particularly if she’s argumentative. She’s bound to be more receptive if her own son says, mum can you chill out a bit and leave us in peace. She’s got to understand that you guys will need your space and everything can’t always be on her terms.

I was listening to a podcast the other day with Kate Ferdinand and she was talking about the difficulties she faced when Rio’s dad used to have a key to their house and willingly let himself in. So, they had a bit of an honest conversation and set some boundaries and it was all fine and dandy in the end. Even if it is a bit of a hard conversation to have, things can only change for the better if you hash it out. Best of luck – let us know how you get on! Lareese X

Maddie

Hi there and thanks for sending in your dilemma. This certainly sounds frustrating and I’m sure there are many people that will relate to this situation, in particular during the current pandemic where families have bubbled together who ordinarily wouldn’t live in quite such close proximity. I think the priority is you and your partner need to get on the same page and you need to articulate what it is that’s bothering you exactly by her behaviour. I know it can be a very sensitive topic so probably best to tread a bit carefully at first and explain how the arguments make you feel. I think once you feel like you and your partner are a team together and you have his full support, that will immediately make expressing how you feel to your mother in law much easier. If you feel like speaking to her directly isn’t an option for whatever reason, then your husband should have an honest conversation with his mum in the first instance. That conversation should very much position your feelings about how she’s behaving to be mutual and that you both feel like setting some boundaries would really help improve all of your relationships. I really hope that helps and things improve soon! Take care, Maddie x

Holly

Hello lovely human,

Thanks so much for sending this question in, and I’m sorry you’re having a bit of a hard time!

Well done for already confiding in your mum that you aren’t religious, I can imagine that was hard when it sounds like she has quite strong beliefs. Try to not overthink her having gifted you a bible, it’s something she’s passionate about so only right that she wants someone she loves to be included in this too. Part of her is probably hoping you’ll change your mind. I would just give her a gentle reminder if she brings it up again and say you’re taking a step back. And maybe with regards to the limited edition bible, phrase it like because you’re taking a step back, there might be someone that could make better use of it because it’s so special.
What I will say though, is that you can still be a member of the LGBTQ+ community and have faith. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.

And coming out is NEVER easy and I completely understand how it feels. I think more often than not, you’ll be surprised how people will react. People that love you will support you no matter what, even if it might be hard for them to get their head around at first. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, chat to her when you feel comfortable there’s literally no rush. There will definitely be rough patches but it all works out in the end, I am a walking talking version of that, and once it’s done, you will feel this huge weight off your shoulders. Maybe ask your dad for advice on how to tell your mum, he sounds like a great guy! And even if they aren’t together anymore he’ll have some good insight, parents know everything.

Moral of the story is, honesty is always the best policy.

Sending you lots of love and a big cuddle,

Holly xx

Danielle

Hello love!
So sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. I’m so close to my parents and hate how it feels when our relationship isn’t 100% so I can only imagine how terrible it feels. I have not had the most religious upbringing and would probably label myself as an atheist, I really have no interest in it and would probably also shove a bible in the corner of my room. Your mum is probably in denial about how you feel about your Christianity and is hoping (and praying ha) that it’s just a phase and you’ll come back around, annoying but I wouldn’t read too much into it in terms of wanting to come out.

I think it’s fantastic that your dad is on your side and you can be open and honest with him. I agree with Holly that you could ask him to help you with coming out to your mum. At the moment you are worrying so much about what she’ll do. Try not to stress about it because I’m sure she loves you and it will work out. Remember you only need to come out when you’re ready to and don’t feel like you need to rush it. Good luck! x

Darcey

Hi anon!

I want to put it out there firstly that I am no professional or any kind of sex therapist so my advice is basically what I would say to a friend who was facing a similar issue to you. But, I would 100% recommend looking into some sort of sex and relationship therapist if this is something you would feel comfortable doing and if it is financially possible as I appreciate starting therapy can be expensive and isn’t always accessible.

Okay, let’s get into it! I just want to start off by saying that I can see how frustrating this must be for you, but also how scary it must be too that something that used to come so naturally between you both now induces panic attacks. To me, it seems that him initially leaving you without any warning was really traumatic and maybe there is still some unresolved trauma that is therefore stopping you from wanting to be intimate with him. I also think the fear of him leaving you again, whether that be due to your sex life or not is really affecting you too.

I want to put this out here that if he leaves you because of the problems you are facing with sex at the moment, instead of helping you through it or trying to resolve it together through therapy etc, then I really think you are probably better off. I think he really needs to take some sort of accountability as it seems your fear of sex has come from this first break-up. I just really don’t want you to feel pressured to have sex for him, never do anything you don’t want to do, and I really hope he is being supportive.

As I said, I’m not a sex therapist nor do I have any experience in this area so I think finding a professional would be really good for you. Even if you did one session with a sex and relationship therapist, sometimes one session is all you need. I think writing in a journal could help you too especially after you’ve had these panic attacks regarding sex, sometimes writing your feelings down lets you explore the issues more deeply and you might find you can resolve it once you get to the bottom of it.

I really hope this helps you out in some way, all the best, Darcey xxx

Danielle

Hello love, thank you so much for writing in with your problem, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. Even though you and he are back together that doesn’t necessarily mean everything is great and you’ve got a happy ending. Life is way more complicated than that and from an outside perspective, it seems like you never dealt with the trauma of being broken up with so abruptly the first time.

I would imagine your feeling a combination of the following things; terrified he might turn around and do it again, the feeling of rejection, the confusion of why he did it, heartbroken from the first break up, that you might not trust him in the same way you did before. I obviously think you should have a deep think about how you feel, and then talk to your partner about it, he did something very serious that can’t just be forgiven instantly and he needs to understand the importance of patience in a situation like this.

You also mentioned getting panic attacks which is not something you should ignore. When things like this start affecting your health it’s so important to go and see you GP, that’s what they’re there for. x

Charlotte

Hi anon,

From your email, it seems like you’re a very kind, thoughtful person and I think you should definitely give yourself a pat on the back for how mature and measured you’ve been! Sex drive is a tricky one because I think it’s very easy for someone to take it personally whenever the discussion arises about potentially slowing things down, assuming you’re suddenly not as attracted to them or are losing interest etc etc. So I think maybe work up to bringing this up with your boyf and in the run-up to this conversation make an effort to show him how committed and happy you are with him to hopefully form a bit of a safe space where he doesn’t automatically panic. Again the question of marriage and feeling like it’s come into the conversation a little prematurely might elicit the same concerns from him, so I think gentle but consistent reminders of your love and commitment to him maybe without a ring on your finger will help that conversation go in the right direction.

I really think honesty is your best policy here- like you said, lockdown and 2020 as a whole has affected everyone differently, but perhaps for you, it’s put things into perspective and shown that life is too short to be worrying about labels or big milestones like marriage, and instead, you’d rather make the most of being young without those pressures right now. It’s tricky if he really does feel ‘ready’ for that next step, but realistically is it something that would even be feasible? Maybe you could emphasise you would love to get married someday but would prefer to save for a flat together or to travel before the financial commitment of a wedding. I think it’s just about laying your priorities out on the table and explaining that you might just need a little more time to feel totally ready. He can’t really argue with that and I’m sure will value your honesty and willingness to open up!

Best of luck- you’ve got this!
xxx

Holly

Hello lovely reader,

Thank You for sending this question in, how relatable!

I think lockdown has been hard for everyone in so many different ways. You’re right, he’s probably lonely but also probably feeling a bit insecure. I’ve had worries myself that my friends I haven’t seen in months won’t have a connection, or they’ll forget about me in lockdown. So maybe this is his way of trying to double-check you’re still into him?

If I were you I’d just sit him down and explain how you’re feeling. I don’t know how long you’ve been together but talking about marriage at 19 years old seems so young! You literally have so my life left to live and so much growing to do. I think try and reassure him that you love him but also be frank and say it’s a bit full-on at the moment. He will understand and probably appreciate your honesty. It sounds like he loves you a lot so would probably hate to think he’s made you feel uncomfortable.

As for having a lower sex drive, please remember that is completely normal. Especially when you’ve been together for a little while, it’s only natural that you’re not constantly horny! It’s literally impossible to be on the same wavelength all the time. Everyone is different.

Good luck! Sending love,

Holly xx

Maddie

I think when it comes to your career it’s so easy to get worked up and obsessed over the here and now and it’s sometimes difficult to see the stepping stones you’re taking to something bigger and better without really realising it. It’s completely understandable of course, a persons career is important and when it doesn’t feel right or you’re not enjoying it then it can feel really demoralising. I can relate, after leaving university I had no idea what I really wanted to do and I spent a long time trying to work out what exactly made me tick and want to get out of bed every day.

Nowadays I try and think of a job and career much in the same way to moving into your first home. Your first home is usually not the “dream” or “forever” home but it’s one step closer to that perfect place that you will want to stay in for a long time, if not forever. It puts you on the ladder and I look at work in a similar way, as long as you are learning new skills and meeting new people, you are working towards that dream job, even if you can’t see it yet.

What is most important is you have already done the hard part, you know what you want and what makes you happy, being creative. It’s difficult without knowing more about your current role however if I were you I would start by being proactive in the role you have and put yourself forward for things that sit outside of your remit where you can be more creative. Whether that’s something that the company is already working on or something completely new. Could you get involved in renewing the company website or social media accounts for example? Could you start a workforce group around one of your passions, for example, ways to make the company greener? Does the company have a newsletter or blog you could contribute to or startup? There are always ideas you can bring to the table and trust me if you have a good manager, they will be thrilled that you’re using initiative and looking at ways to expand your skillset.

If you don’t feel like you can fulfil that creative itch in your current role then doing things outside of the office that allows you to be creative in the meantime would be the next best thing. Try teaming up with a friend on a project and set yourself small goals each week so it doesn’t feel so overwhelming and feels more achievable. Best of luck with everything and do keep us posted on what you choose to do!

Lareese

Hello my love!

I think a lot of the time, we’re fooled into thinking we all stay the same throughout our lives and we should stick to liking the same things or being the exact same person we were 10 years ago but we’re fluid beings – we kind of rely on change as a means of personal growth. Our weight fluctuates, our tastes in interiors change our fashion sense evolves as we get older and really, what makes us happy in our careers is no different, it’s always in a state of flux and subject to change. So, when it comes down to knowing what you want to do with your life, it’s inevitable that we’re going to feel overwhelmed by the enormity of it. It’s a big existential ask! Instead of thinking about what we want to do with our lives, let’s look at the here and now and what you want to do with THAT. Then the prospect of signing up to this one career path for the rest of our lives doesn’t seem so scary and final.

If writing and creativity is what really feeds your soul and quiets your mind, then you should absolutely prioritise that. You don’t always need to be writing for someone else, if writing is something that grounds you and brings you back to yourself, then doing it for you is 100% enough. I feel the same way about reading and writing – they’re top tier self-care activities for me. A blog is a great starting point – definitely set one up. It’s a great way to hold yourself accountable for writing regularly, whether that’s once a week or once a month, just start somewhere. From a career perspective, it’s also essentially a portfolio/cv of all your work – great for prospective employers.

Keep a notepad next to your bed so you can scribble down ideas that come to you at the most random of times. I also use my notes on my phone whenever I come across nice words or ideas that spring to mind when I’m out walking, it’s a godsend. Writing snippets of ideas down also alleviates some of the pressure of coming up with your best idea then and there – nothing is more terrifying than a blank page or a blank word doc.

All the while you’ve got this other job ticking along and paying the bills put the feelers out for creative jobs (social media is a great place to look for writing positions / creative studios that might need contributors for copy). I think the biggest crime would be to starve yourself of that creativity that clearly offers you a great deal of fulfilment, so definitely start writing again. You’ll never know where it could take you. Best of luck, let us know how you get on, I’d love to read your content Lareese Xx

Charlotte

Okay, SO. I personally don’t respond well to tough love, but I feel like in this situation it might be necessary haha! I had a similar-ish situation whereby my ex and I had broken up a couple of times and always ended up back together, but we were totally boyfriend and girlfriend and on the same page, unlike your situation which is maybe a bit foggier. I think your outlook and how introspective you’re being in considering the future is a really good sign though! It’s so hard to know when to make a call like this but the fact you’re open to putting yourself first and prioritising your best interests and mental health is SO. GOOD. To be honest, it sounds like you’re already 90% of the way there in knowing what to do in your heart of hearts, but I hope maybe this will just confirm your decision. I think it has the potential to end badly for both you and him because of the lack of boundaries in place, so lets, of course, avoid that if we can!

It’s totally right and natural to always care for him- it sounds like he has been and will continue to be a big part of your life, but maybe it’s time to really weigh up how you want things to be in the future, and if this back and forth/unsettled ‘situationship’ is good for you in the long run. And you never know, he might be feeling the same! Communication is your best friend in a dilemma like this as it seems neither of you fully know where you stand. Although it might feel hard to draw a line under it and really make the effort not to fall back into the habit of seeing each other, it’s the right choice in the long run if you know the relationship could never be 100% what you need.

Lockdown and social isolation make breakups and any kind of emotional upheaval a bit harder because of the lack of distractions, but I’m sure your friends will rally around you and look after you via a Zoom or socially distanced walks- they will be your rocks in this new phase of life!

Best of luck- I know you can do it!
xxx

Darcey

Hi there anon!

I can see how this is such a tricky situation. Sometimes falling out with a long-term friend is worse than a breakup because you don’t expect a friendship to end so abruptly. I can’t blame you either for thinking about her in these crazy times too and wanting to see if she is okay. I think it would be good to consider a few different options here.

Firstly, I would really think about the reason you fell out and how that made you feel at the time. Something had gone wrong in the friendship and you felt as if everything was about her, when you confronted her, I assume she didn’t react well, and this is why you fell out. If she has failed to contact you even after this falling out, to understand why you felt this way, I wonder if the friendship can be saved? I think it can be harder to leave a friendship behind but both parties should get something out of the relationship and that should always be positive. I also believe a real friend would be really upset at the thought of thinking they had been ignoring your needs for so long and would want to fix this.

However, secondly, I am unaware of things going on in your friend’s life at the time and whether she was consumed by something else that meant she was speaking about her problems all the time and lost sight of others needs. So lastly, I would say that if you feel that you want to reach out to her, I don’t think that is a bad thing at all, you never know how she will respond! I think you just need to be prepared for all outcomes and yes potential rejection from her. I think to mend this friendship too she really needs to understand your point of view, and you need to hear her side too. I think only after having a proper conversation about it all can you really decide if the friendship can be saved.

I really hope this helps and wishing you all the best! Darcey xxx

Whether you’re hunting for an affordable gift for your co-worker or your gal pal, we’ve collated a few tips and tricks to take the hassle out of sourcing your Secret Santa this year.

Draw the names

During these strange Covid times, we need remote solutions! Well, look no further than Drawnames.co.uk for all your Secret Santa organisation needs. Simply enter all the email addresses of the participants and the automated program will assign everyone a Secret Santa name. It’s quick, easy and no-one ends up picking themselves. Sweet!

Plan ahead

Stick to the budget

Bottom line: Decide on a budget and stick to it. While splashing out on a £50 perfume might seem like a great way to win at Secret Santa, part of the fun is hunting for a present that’s within the allocated budget, however hard it is to stick to it. The same goes for under-spending. Respect the limit, people. It’s there for a reason.

Make it personal

Make it family/office-appropriate

Read the room and know your audience, especially if you’re buying for a co-worker. What might be a belly laugh for you might not be all that funny to someone else, so, if you know the person really well, feel free to make it funny and familiar but respect the Secret Santa boundaries. Go too risky or risqué with the present and it could all backfire with a letter from HR or a dressing down from your auntie Julie.

Prepare, prepare, prepare

Consider shopping small & independent this year

Where possible, look to buy from small independent businesses and start-ups. Now, more than ever, they need all the support they can get. From hand-poured, small-batch candles to a bottle of wine from a local vineyard, artisan chocolate or prints from a local artist, shopping small and independent will ensure your gift is original and considered.

If in doubt, play it safe

What happens if you draw a name with a colleague you merely share the same communal fridge milk with? If you don’t know the person very well, go down the generic / useful route. This awkward turtle scenario right here is what gift cards and planners were made for.

Use their social media for intel

Friends on social? Watch their stories & gather your evidence from afar. You might see them post about a hobby or share a post featuring something they love, alongside a very cryptic gif saying: NEED. Instagram = research.

Have fun

The whole point of this festive tradition is to have a bit of good old fashioned holiday fun and nothing brings people together like Secret Santa – even if is on Zoom this year!

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Got any memorable Secret Santa experiences? Let us know in the comments!