In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a cycle of fertility treatment that involves collecting an egg from the ovaries and fertilising it with the sperm in a specialised lab. The fertilised egg, called the embryo, is then returned to the woman’s womb to develop. The treatment is suitable for people who have been unable to conceive naturally or if you want to get pregnant as a solo parent.

IVF is usually carried out when the sperm quality is considered ‘normal’. If there are issues with the sperm quality or motility, a procedure called intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) may be used instead. This is where a single sperm is injected into the egg.

Whether you’re just beginning your IVF journey, feeling overwhelmed by the medical terminology or looking to read something from someone who’s actually gone through it, we hope these real-life stories will make you feel less alone and help you prepare for the road ahead.

TW: Baby loss, miscarriage, fertility based mental health problems.

Sarah, @Wearetwinset

How long had you been trying to conceive naturally before you began fertility treatment?

We were trying for about a year and a half when we thought something might be up. We booked to see a fertility specialist, who made us have some tests, confirming that there were issues on both sides and that we would likely need assistance to get pregnant. We were then given various options for the next steps.

How did you know you needed IVF treatment? Can you tell us a bit about the initial consultation and other fertility treatment you tried before starting IVF?

Can you explain what your IVF journey looked like?

Our IVF journey was quite a long one and it took 4.5 years in total for us to have our little miracle boy, Lenny. It was by no means quick or easy and I think that’s what you have to be prepared for, it really can take time. This was not something I had taken into consideration pre-IVF. There are so many different factors that need to work together and it’s not one size fits all. Often, we didn’t have answers for why one particular process didn’t work or get the results we’d hoped for & then we would try something different, perhaps with slightly different medication and protocol. It can be draining, frustrating & heartbreaking throughout but hopefully, in the end, it can also be magical.

In terms of the process, I’m going to try and share as much as possible in and the simplest way possible & hopefully in the correct way too – there are quite a few steps to IVF. The first step is the hormone injections (I did them in my tummy), my husband Craig injected one (sometimes two a day) to stimulate my ovaries to increase the number of eggs my body makes typically for 10-12 days. I found this process quite difficult, making sure we were in together at the same time every night and it was sore injecting the same area daily. But before, during and after my injections I found it so helpful to listen to calming music and think positive thoughts. Every injection was one step closer to my baby (I used to repeat this over and over in my head!) I also felt quite bloated from the drugs but again I always tried to think of the bigger picture and the final result, a healthy baby.

The next stage is the sedation to have the eggs removed, I also found this quite scary as I had never had an anaesthetic before. But again, it was one cog in my bigger journey and I just tried to take each step at a time and get through that hurdle. For each of my three rounds of IVF I had 12-15 eggs removed. As I was under it felt quick & I had no real pain after, I was just a little groggy waking up from the anaesthetic.

The 12-15 eggs are then mixed with the sperm (for us we had IVF ICSI which means the sperm are actually injected into the eggs) and you have to wait to see how they fertilise over the next few days. In each of our three rounds of IVF we had 3 embryos fertilise each time but this can obviously can be more or less for each case.

The next step once the embryo/s have developed in the lab, is an embryo transfer back into your uterus, either in the same cycle as your egg collection or in a fresh cycle in the next month/s. If it is the next cylcle/s the embryos are then frozen (this is what we did each time.) For me, one of my issues was the lining of my womb, so sometimes it took a while for the lining to look right for us to put an embryo back in. This was of course difficult as I would build myself up towards for the embryo transfer and then it might not happen. It was a constant daily exercise to talk myself into being positive as much as I could. But again, I just kept thinking I would rather everything look as good as it can be to increase my chances of success.

What are the mental & physical side effects of IVF that aren’t often talked openly about, especially due to the lack of fertility awareness in the workplace?

I think the emotional side of things is just huge, not only are you putting your body through a lot (so you don’t feel yourself) – injections, drugs, egg collection, weekly scans – your emotions are all over the place. I found that sometimes I could put on a ‘brave face’ and get on with things and other times I just couldn’t. I really tried to accept those bad days when they came in and knew that tomorrow would be a new day. The hardest part for me was the waiting, for results or my body’s responses to medication which I found so agonising. I often didn’t feel like myself throughout the process, keeping things a ‘secret’ felt strange, coping with the losses & the highs & the lows but still having to get on with normal day to day life as it wasn’t something I openly spoke about to many. Getting up and going to work somedays just felt like the biggest struggle. I also stopped going to people’s baby showers and kids’ parties as it always made me feel so awful afterwards.

Did you join any support groups on social media?

Did you talk openly about your IVF with your family? How important was it that you had that network of support?

I was quite open with my family but only when I felt comfortable, which worked best for me. There were periods where there was just nothing to say and it felt like bad news after bad news and that’s when I found it hard to talk about. But I have an amazing support network of family and a few friends who often didn’t need to say anything but were there when I needed to talk or just be. On the day of one of my embryo transfers (it was a Wednesday), my girlfriends sent me a bunch of flowers simply saying ‘happy hump day’ to make me smile. They massively helped me stay strong throughout and to take my mind off things. They booked in lunches and pedicures so I would have things to look forward to which would always shift my mindset.

Was there anything else you tried alongside your treatment to help manage your mindset and prepare you for IVF?

Do you have any advice for those who are still going through their fertility journey, IVF and otherwise?

The most positive part of the IVF experience?

For me, it was getting my dog Maggie. Rachael my reflexologist suggested we get a dog to help us through the hard times, to take our mind off everything. Maggie was one of the best things to ever happen to us and she truly made everything better. It was something else to focus on and care for and she honestly changed us for the better.

One thing you wish you’d known…

Stephanie, 29

How long had you been trying to conceive naturally before you began fertility treatment?

We had been trying for 2 years.

How did you know you needed IVF treatment? Can you tell us a bit about the initial consultation and other fertility treatment you tried before starting IVF?

Can you explain what your IVF journey looked/looks like?

So for us, it started with our first NHS cycle in July 2017 (our NHS trust gives you one go on the NHS), we went into this feeling really clued up having done our reading and attended the hospital’s open night and personally we felt really hopeful and positive, I did long protocol which involves a month of going into menopause using daily injections and then around 2 weeks of ovarian stimulating injections. After this period I then went into hospital to have an egg collection procedure and then they mixed my eggs with my husband’s sperm. We, unfortunately, didn’t get any embryos at all in this cycle and we quickly learnt that I had issues with my Egg Quality and Quantity.

This for me was where the mental impacts of IVF really hit home, I very quickly started having horrible night terrors (mostly about the procedures I’d had and from nowhere started with horrendous anxiety and depression. We decided that in the best interests of me and my husband we would take a year off. I sought counselling through my GP as I was diagnosed with PTSD and Anxiety and Depression.

In February 2019 I went back to the hospital as we were planning on trying again with Cycle 3 later on that year, with the issue of my egg quality the doctor advised me to have an AMH blood test which gives a full picture about my ovarian reserve, a few weeks later I got the news that it was low and we shouldn’t delay trying again as my chances of success had now dropped to 10%. So we did cycle 3 in June 2019, this was exactly the same as cycle 2, however this time I was on maximum doses of the stimulating injections. This time around we got the same result, however, we ended up only having a day 3 embryo rather than a day 5 embryo (the chances of success are greater with a day 5).

What are the mental & physical side effects of IVF that aren’t often talked openly about, especially due to the lack of fertility awareness in the workplace?

I, fortunately, found with my place at work that they’d already started to make positive changes concerning IVF, we got 5 days leave to use during the cycles and my manager was great whilst I was having the injections with all the side effects that come with it. The hardest thing about work is the fake smile you’ve got to plaster on every day with the people that don’t know and the “Are you okay?” questions whilst you’re desperately hanging on.

Did you join any support groups on social media?

We joined the support group on Facebook for the clinic we were at, this was a useful tool for us and I would highly recommend anyone going through it to join one. Even on those days I felt like I was going mad, it was great to chat to other people going through the same thing as us.

Did you talk openly about your IVF with your family? How important was it that you had that network of support?

We were open with our immediate family from day one of going to the clinic for the first time, we honestly couldn’t have dragged ourselves through those dark days.

Was there anything else you tried alongside your treatment to help manage your mindset and prepare you for IVF?

Do you have any advice for those who are still going through their fertility journey, IVF and otherwise?

Now looking back, I would say make sure you ask all of the questions and don’t stop asking. There was sometimes I wish looking back I’d of asked more times. Also, don’t be afraid of asking for a second opinion, we didn’t until cycle 2 and I wish we’d of asked sooner.

The most positive part of the IVF experience?

How much closer it brought me and my husband together I think I learnt things about him whilst we were going through it that I would have never have done had we not had to.

One thing you wish you’d known…

Francessca, 39

How long had you been trying to conceive naturally before you began fertility treatment?

We started ‘not-trying’ soon after we got married. What do I mean by not-trying? Well, you know, we started, like most couples, thinking that we wouldn’t use any contraception and that we would get pregnant basically the first time we had sex. 

How did you know you needed IVF treatment? Can you tell us a bit about the initial consultation and other fertility treatment you tried before starting IVF?

We saw our GP and had some tests undertaken. We were told that there was “nothing obvious wrong”, according to the GP, and were referred to our local IVF clinic. We had our first two rounds of IVF treatment (neither were successful!) here and this is where our journey began. 

Can you explain what your IVF journey looked like?

We consulted our G.P. We had some tests run and nothing was apparently wrong – “unexplained infertility” was the term used by the GP. 

We went to our local IVF clinic and they walked us through the process of IVF. We were lucky because, at that time, our local NHS area were offering three free rounds of IVF. We had two rounds of IVF at this clinic and it wasn’t working. With a third free round on the table, I began to question whether I had confidence in the dr at the fertility clinic (he had told me that it would take “7-8 goes” at IVF before it was likely that I would fall pregnant). I was not fond of the doctor and really had no faith or confidence in the protocols that they were adopting, so I started looking for other options. I just felt that pumping myself full of drugs without knowing the cause for our infertility wasn’t logical. 

Around the same time, a colleague from work (one who I had confided in) gave me a book written by Zita West. After I devoured the book in less than two commutes to work on the train, I consulted the Zita West clinic and sought their views on what might be going wrong. 

The Zita West clinic’s focus is very much on the whole person; the body, mind and soul and that really appealed to me. After speaking with Dr George Ndukwe (all his patients call him the miracle man) we paid to have some additional tests run and he was of the view that I had overactive natural killer (NK) cells. These NK cells are the cells that your body uses to fight the common cold or infection. Mine were just a tad hyper and were also attacking our embryos (I was falling pregnant but just not being able to sustain a pregnancy). My tests came back that I had very high levels of NK cells and Dr George was of the view that I needed a different protocol (course of drugs) to try and help me fall pregnant, whilst going through IVF. Basically, he suppressed my immune system to ensure that the NK cells were less active whilst I was undergoing treatment. 

What are the mental & physical side effects of IVF that aren’t often talked openly about, especially due to the lack of fertility awareness in the workplace? 

How long have you got?! The mental and physical side effects of IVF really can’t be understood unless you have been through it. It is exhausting. To be hoping and wishing for a baby month after month and it not work, is utterly draining. To see your friends fall pregnant ‘by accident’ or ‘without trying’ really is soul-destroying. Are you pleased for them? Sure. But do you also feel like you’ve been punched in the stomach every time someone announces that they are pregnant again, YES. Coupled with the effect that the drugs can have (they don’t always – but most women have some side-effects). Not to mention the financial worries, can we afford this treatment? Should we pay the mortgage? Or risk becoming homeless to fund another round of IVF? The effects really are extensive. 

When we first started trying and it wasn’t working I felt like a complete failure. A failure as a wife. A failure as a daughter (not being able to give my mum grandchildren). A failure as a woman. If other women could do it, why couldn’t I? I didn’t smoke or drink to excess, what was wrong with me? When we had our first failed IVF cycles, I didn’t discuss it with anyone. I think I had only told my husband and my mum and my brothers. I think it is fair to say that I am your classic, controlling, over-achiever lawyer; ‘I don’t do failure’. Yet, I had no control over this and this left me floundering and uncertain about what to do next. 

During my second failed cycle of IVF, I remember that I had been promoted at work. I was working really long hours, routinely leaving the office at 10pm to try and improve a team that had not been performing well (sneaking off to the toilets to inject my IVF drugs without anyone knowing). The cycle failed. I was worn out and devastated and to top it off I had to take time off from work to miscarry ‘naturally’ as I was worried about having a procedure performed that would remove the ‘non-viable embryo’, as it was referred to by the doctor who looked for a heartbeat. I will never forget the way he couldn’t look at me when he didn’t find the heartbeat. Like it was just a yes/ no situation. But to me, it was my hopes and dreams for a baby and a family with my husband. Non-viable. Pretty much how that Dr. at our local clinic made me feel that day. 

So with this in mind, we mustered up the courage to start a round of IVF at the Zita West clinic and I really can’t describe how different it was. I was supported and encouraged to talk to others. I don’t know if it was the new-found optimism that caused me to open up to friends, family and colleagues, or because the cat was out of the bag because I had been forced to email my colleagues and explain why I had not been in the office leading the team. (I didn’t include in my email that my male boss hadn’t contacted me once during the time that I had been absent owing to my miscarriage to see how I was, or to enquire about what support that he/the organisation might be able to offer me!) But hey ho! We pick up and press on. I returned to work with vigour and I was now open about what I was going through. I told HR. I started talking to colleagues about it and you know what, others started talking to me about the issues that they were having. It was like I had opened a can of worms at work. So many of my female colleagues (also thirty-somethings) were having issues. I was also really surprised, I don’t know why looking back, but a few of my male colleagues also came to talk to me too about what they could do to help their wives going through the same thing. 

So to summarise the effects are huge. But ask me if it is worth it? Yes. Without doubt. Because like any warrior who wants something badly enough, you just keep picking yourself up and pushing on. 

Did you join any support groups on social media? 

Did you talk openly about your IVF with your family? How important was it that you had that support?

At first I didn’t. But in the end, because it had been going on so long for us and so many people who didn’t know we had been going through IVF kept asking me “so, when are you having a baby?” that the easier answer was to reply “actually we have been trying for sometime and it’s not been working”. Aside from the slightly smug feeling that I would get putting people in their place, I came to realise that people mean well. They really do. But saying that, I have experienced all sorts of things being said to me, by ‘well-meaning individuals’ – such as ‘you will have 8 babies going through IVF’ , ‘God doesn’t approve of IVF’ and my favourite ‘do you think you should take it as a sign that you might not be right to have children?’ Needless to say, that you develop a thick skin quite quickly when you are on this journey…. 

Was there any other lifestyle you made alongside your treatment to help manage your mindset and prepare you for IVF?

Do you have any advice for those who are still going through their fertility journey, IVF and otherwise?

Question, question, question the advice that you are receiving. A good doctor will take the time to explain things to you. If you are just a number, they won’t. You will quickly start to see the difference. 

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. If something does not feel right, it probably isn’t – even if you don’t know the reason for it and/or it doesn’t seem logical at the time. For example, my husband had kittens at the thought of walking away from a free round at our local IVF clinic only to pay for it somewhere else. But I just knew that that’s what felt right and I was proved right. Against all logic, I followed my instincts, we changed clinics and we got pregnant. 

The most positive part of the IVF experience? 

Without a doubt my two boys. 

But second to this would be that I have started a new company: The Fertility Retreat. We are offering support to women/couples on their fertility journeys. We have consolidated the lessons that we learned along the way and are hopefully removing some of the mistakes that we made to prevent others from making the same mistakes. Combining this with some fabulous nutrition, yoga, expertise and fun along the way.

One thing you wish you’d known…

Can I have more than one thing?! 

Um, that nutrition and what you put into your body has a HUGE impact on your chances/outcome during fertility. Change your diet, change your chances. I really believe this. Your diet and what you do, and sometimes don’t, eat – have an impact on your results. 

And my second thing is – it is okay to feel how you are feeling right now. Breathe. Feel it. Acknowledge it and then cast it aside and focus on what you want. Because wallowing in self-pity gets you nowhere. Yes it can be painful, yes it can be hard, but tighten your bootstraps, slap on some lipstick and put your best foot forward – because only YOU can change the things you want to change to get what you want. 

Tara, 29

How long had you been trying to conceive naturally before you began fertility treatment?

I came off the pill in 2015, we weren’t actively trying but if it happened we would have been happy. After we got married in 2016 we started actively trying for a total of two years before starting our first round of IVF.

How did you know you needed IVF treatment? Can you tell us a bit about the initial consultation and other fertility treatment you tried before starting IVF?

I found not falling pregnant a very stressful time the disappointment of getting my period each month was overwhelming and it starting taking over my life trying to work out dates, taking ovulation test and searching for pregnancy symptoms so I was actually relieved when we started the IVF process as it took them pressures away and I knew it was the right thing for us.

To start the IVF referral process we went to see our GP I think this is always the best place to start, our GP ran all the basic tests on both my husband and me to see if there were any obvious issues to why we weren’t conceiving naturally.

Can you explain what your IVF journey looked/looks like?

My IVF protocol went; go on the pill so the clinic knew exactly where I was in my cycle, I then started an injection called Buserelin which is a hormone which stops your body naturally ovulating, I then started another injection called ovaleap which stimulates your ovaries to create follicles which contain eggs. I was having scans and blood tests every 3 days to check the progress of my follicles. The scans you have are done internally, they aren’t painful but can be a little uncomfortable the more follicles you have. once they were happy with the amount and size of the follicles I used an injection called ovitrelle this is known as ‘the trigger’ and exactly 48 hours later I had my eggs collected this is done whilst you are sedated. I then had to start taking progesterone pessaries, to anyone starting their journey please don’t be surprised if they tell you to put these up the ‘back passage’ initially. This can then be changed to using them as normal but I have to say they are very messy and once I get a positive pregnancy test I had to use them until I was 12 weeks.

I had 5 days from egg collection to embryo transfer, I had 12 eggs collected and 3 of them survived and turned into high-grade embryos one of these was implanted back in me and the other two were frozen for future cycles. This is a very stressful time as you’re waiting to hear from the embryologist every other day to let you know if and how your embryos are progressing. The embryo was transferred back into me, this is done when your awake and you see the process on ultrasound. After this, I waited 9 days before taking a pregnancy test which was positive. I think I felt as prepared as I could I read IVF books, cut out caffeine and alcohol and started acupuncture.

What are the mental & physical side effects of IVF that aren’t often talked openly about, especially due to the lack of fertility awareness in the workplace?

Did you join any support groups on social media?

I followed a lot of ladies accounts on Instagram who document their IVF journey, there is a huge fertility support network on social media. People from all over the world and all with different stories really make you feel like your part of a community.

Did you talk openly about your IVF with your family? How important was it that you had that network of support?

Was there anything else you tried alongside your treatment to help manage your mindset and prepare you for IVF?

I personally did acupuncture, I would recommend this to anyone going through fertility treatment. I choose a clinic that specialised in fertility acupuncture, not only is it a great way to relax and switch off through what is a very stressful time you get great advice on your diet and guidance on what you can do to encourage a positive result. I also used IVF mindfulness apps that helped to switch off and keep my mind in a positive place. I know my clinic offered me counselling so that option is available to you if you should need it.

Do you have any advice for those who are still going through their fertility journey, IVF and otherwise?

The most positive part of the IVF experience?

One thing you wish you’d known…

Honestly, I really wish I had known that on the day of embryo transfer you have to have a full bladder and I’m not talking about slightly needing a wee I’m talking about full to the point if you drank another sip you would burst! To then add to the enjoyment of your bladder being that full they use an ultrasound to watch the embryo be implanted so they push down on your stomach. I can confirm as soon as the embryo is in your allowed to use the toilet though which is a great relief.

If you’re not normally a stocking giver or recipient, maybe 2020 is the year to start! We could all use an extra sprinkling of magic this Christmas, and what better way to start the day than with a thoughtful stocking for the ones you love.

Which miniature gifts are you hoping to find inside your stocking on the crisp morning of the 25th?

Zoe

I think one of my favourite types of gift to buy at Christmas is a stocking filler (although I do find stocking fillers for women much easier than the men in my life!) I try and make sure everything is as useful as possible and not just something that will collect dust or never be used and then thrown out or given to a charity shop come January!

*Cult Beauty, KNC BEAUTY The Eye Mask, £4 

Waterstones, Failosophy: A Handbook for When Things Go Wrong, £10 

*Amazon, MindWare 0736970521329 Qwirkle Game – Travel Size, £14.21 

*Oliver Bonas, The Humble Co Bamboo Cotton Buds, £3 

*Cult Beauty, THERAPIE Himalayan Detox Salts, £10 

Agood, Bamboo Toothbrush Adult, £4 

Lareese

Although my family don’t tend to do the whole traditional stockings either side of the fireplace anymore, we all love getting each other little thoughtful bits and bobs to compliment the ‘main’ gift. I think I prefer buying the stocking fillers for people over the big, practical stuff ya know!

*Marks and Spencer, L’OCCITANE Nourishing Almond Festive Tree, £12 

*Oliver Bonas, Who Are You Reflection Cards, £16.50 

Waterstones, Women Don’t Owe You Pretty: Signed Exclusive Edition, £12.99 

*Space NK, CAUDALIE Luxury Vine Body Set by Caudalie, £22 

*John Lewis, Neom Organics London Tranquillity Travel Scented Candle, £12.80 

Holly

I love stockings, I’m not ashamed that my mum still makes me one every year, and they’re pretty much always the same. I don’t know why oranges are a thing but I think its quite common? And the rest are just things I love!

Lush, Shoot For The Stars, £4.95 

*Amazon, Sudoku Book for Adults, £6.99 

Waitrose, Essential Easy Peelers Sweet Mandarins, £1.50 

Waitrose, Milk Chocolate Coins, £1 

*Amazon, Monopoly Deal Card Game, £4.49 

Oliver Bonas, Shooting Star Gold Hair Clips Pack of Two, £9.50 

*Urban Outfitters, The Signs: Decode the Stars, Reframe Your Life By Carolyne Faulkner, £10.99 

Charlotte

Stockings from my mum are usually full of the little bits and bobs that come in handy like bobby pins and hand sanitiser, as well as edible treats that form I can’t resist opening and snacking on whilst opening our ‘proper’ presents! Sadly lactose intolerant me can no longer enjoy a Terry’s Choc Orange, but I’m hoping for some Galaxy Vegan choc to make up for it haha!

If I was filling a stocking for someone else I think miniature bath treats and face masks are always a good shout, as well as some fun ‘these reminded me of you’ bits you see and grab in the run-up to the big day!

*Oliver Bonas, Hip Reusable Straws Pack of Three, £10 

Friars, KAKOA Tipsy Champagne Vegan White Chocolate Truffles, £5.25 

*ASOS, Barry M Gelly Hi-Shine Nail Polish – Pistachio, £3.99 

Naturisimo, BYBI Beauty Clean Hands Hand Sanitiser, £5.50 

Lush, Snow Fairy Body Conditioner, £9 

 

Danielle

This Christmas I’m trying to buy the majority of my gifts from small businesses and have found Trouva to be so good for discovering interesting gifts! I love these festive matched and they have THE BEST selection of candles. Beauty bits are always great for stockings especially brands that people might not buy for themselves, this liquid lip from Bobbi Brown is a crowd-pleaser. This jingle bell bottle opener from Anthropologie is hilarious and stocking filler sized. I also love hair accessories, jewellery and underwear in my stocking, I always need that kind of thing!

*Trouva, paddywax, Impressions Candle – Tobacco and Vanilla, £16.50 

*Anthropologie, Jingle Bell Bottle Opener, £14 

*H&M, 4-pack scrunchies, £3.99 

*Trouva, John Derian, Whale And Clipper Matches, £8 

*Bobbi Brown, CRUSHED LIQUID LIP, £19 

Darcey

Stockings are fun for all ages and I think so much thought goes into them they are also lovely as a gift, like a hamper but in a stocking! Just feels way more festive to me. I think a good stocking has a good mix of bits and bobs, from some edible treats to some lovely bath bits for relaxing. Diaries are a lovely stocking gift too (which hopefully we can fill out with more plans this year!). I always like to add a candle to a stocking too and the candles from Kalon Candle Co are so lovely!

Kalon Candle Co, Gilded Curvy Midsize Goddess Candle, £17 

*Oliver Bonas, Hot Chocolate Bombes Pack of Three, £10 

*Oliver Bonas, Spreadable Whisky Single Malt Marmalade, £10 

*Papier, Fresco 2021 Diary, £21.99 

Lush, Golden Wonder, £5.95 

Hotel Chocolat, Posse of Penguins, £12.50

Maddie

I must say it’s been some time since I’ve had a stocking, why aren’t grown-up stockings a thing!? Growing up they were always such a fun part about Christmas and what made it really magical. Nowadays I would class a stocking filler present as a small little extra to go alongside a main present but that doesn’t make them any less special.

*Space NK, THIS WORKS Dream Team by This Works, £10 

DOIY, 30 Day Challenge Go Green, €9.95 

*Jo Malone, Jo Malone London Christmas Cracker Fragrance Gift Set, £32 

Hotel Chocolat, The Stocking Fillers Collection, £20 

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Whether you love it or you hate it, there’s no denying that Black Friday is a shopping holiday that’s here to stay, and really who doesn’t want a little discount on a present to themselves or others, ESPECIALLY in 2020?!

Your personality traits likely determine what kind of Black Friday shopper you are (from cool, calm and collected to impulse and everything in between), but whatever your strategy, it’s a great opportunity to bag some discounted Christmas presents and finally tick off any big-ticket items you’ve been eyeing up lately.

It might feel like an odd time to be focused on material items during a year none of us feel like we need anything other than health and time with loved ones, but nevertheless it can be those indulgent picks that help to put a smile on the face of both you and the lucky recipient. Gift giving gives off good vibes!

Which items have been sat in your basket waiting for today to finally roll around?

H&M
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ASOS
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Topshop
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White Company
20% Off using code MAGICAL20

Anthropologie
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Beauty
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First of all, how are you and how are you coping in lockdown?

I am well. Lockdown has been a busy time for me, juggling both parenting and working from home, like so many others across the country. I am grateful that schools have been able to stay open this time. It gives the children a sense of normality as well as parents.

Talk us through your journey online and what you’re getting up to at the moment?

What an adventure it has been! In therapy, I have an hour to talk people through these concepts. On social media, I often have just 30 seconds. That forced me to strip away any jargon that wasn’t absolutely necessary to the message and get creative making it as engaging as possible. Throughout the 2020 lockdowns, it has felt like an online family of people all being hugely supportive of each other. Of course, the second lockdown has added difficulties of autumn weather and darker evenings that can really get people down. So I have continued sharing any tips that may help. I’ve also been able to spread the word further on programmes like the Radio 1 Life Hacks.

What did you study to become a psychologist?

To become a clinical psychologist I first completed an undergraduate BSc Psychology degree and then, after gaining experience working in research and mental health, completed a further Doctorate in Clinical Psychology. After that, I worked in a range of mental health services, from crisis teams and intensive care wards to primary care before starting my private practice.

When and why did you decide to start putting your learnings on social media?

This time last year I started on my social media journey and it’s been a rollercoaster! In my work as a psychologist, I was providing individual therapy. One aspect of therapy involves teaching people a bit about how their mind works and some of the ways we can manage emotions and mood changes.

I noticed that lots of people, once they had that information, felt empowered to manage their own mental health much more. But I didn’t see why people should have to pay to see a therapist to get access to this sort of education. So I started making a few short videos and putting them on social media.

I didn’t expect people to respond in the way that they have. But 12 months later and I now have 2.3 million followers on Tiktok and 267,000 followers on Instagram. The incredible feedback from everyone has kept me going. As long as real people are finding real value in the videos, then I will keep going.

What is your favourite platform to create content for at the moment?

Wow, that’s a difficult one. I have absolutely loved getting creative on Tiktok, especially during that first lockdown. But I’m also excited by the chance to now explore that with reels on Instagram. I would love to make some slightly longer, more detailed videos for IGTV too.

What does your content cover?

I share lots of insights and tips from therapy that can help all of us to understand a bit more about how our minds work and how to look after our mental health day to day. But there is more to psychology than mental health and I love to share some of the classic experiments and mind-blowing illusions that tell us something about our brains. I recently shared a video on something called the Thatcher effect and people loved watching it and sharing it with their friends. It was viewed over 30 million times so it looks like I’m not the only one who is fascinated by the human brain.

You’re huge on TikTok, what do you think is the key to success there?

I think short and snappy content that engages people from the very first moment. People love to see something that they can relate to or share with their friends. But the second that people don’t feel absorbed by a video, it’s all too easy to scroll on. So whatever your message, it must be engaging.

What would you say is your biggest achievement to date?

People might expect me to say something about my career, and I am proud of many achievements along the way. But for me, without a doubt, my biggest achievement continues to be showing up for my three children every day. The challenges of parenting constantly change but the close bond I have with each of them means everything to me.

What are you currently working on?

I’m currently working on designing more resources to help people put some of the concepts and skills into practice, so keep an eye out for that in the near future. I’ve also been able to get involved in a few projects with the BBC. I can’t reveal anything just yet, but keep an eye on my Instagram to find out soon.

What do you always carry with you?

A mother of three would not be caught anywhere without a packet of wet wipes! But I’m guessing you are looking for something more interesting than that. Honestly, I carry as little as possible. I recently bought a micro scooter that is my new favourite thing. I love to whiz around town on it. Nothing brings out the kid in you like a scooter. But that means you need your hands free so mostly, it’s just me and my phone.

What does your perfect weekend look like?

It would include my three babies, husband and our little dog, Millie. We love letting the three of them choose a weekend adventure. That could involve building a den in the woods, jumping in puddles, paddling in the sea, or dancing around the kitchen to our favourite music. It’s all heaven to me. My work becoming so busy this year has given me a solid appreciation and gratitude for the time I spend with them and a determination to be present when it counts.

If you could only eat one meal again what would it be?

I found myself overthinking this one as if I would have to really commit to it. But, I love Japanese style food with vegetables and noodles in some sort of ramen type of meal. Waggamamas is a solid favourite.

If you could give one positive message to our followers what would it be?

Treat your mental health with the same priority that you give to your physical health. Always be looking for ways to enhance your wellbeing and resilience. You never know when it will be challenged. Don’t wait for things to disrupt it before taking care of yourself.

Follow Dr Julie on Instagram here and TikTok here!

Love ‘em or hate ‘em, Christmas isn’t Christmas without the humble mince pie.

Nowadays, you don’t have to have a Tudor’s palate to appreciate the yuletide tradition, since we’ve generally agreed to drop the meat out of the equation, even if we do insist on calling the fruity filling mincemeat. Go figure.

You can chop and change the ingredients to taste but we’ve gone for nuts, white choc & cranberry and classic chocolate orange to keep things high key Christmassy.

SERVES 18

PREP: 30 MINS COOK: 15 MINS

EASY

INGREDIENTS

Ingredients

White Chocolate & Cranberry

• 100g almonds
• 100g pecans
• 100g Cranberry
• 100g dried cranberries
• 3 tbsp cranberry jelly
• 125g White chocolate chips

Chocolate Orange Filling

• 75g milk chocolate chips
• 75g dark chocolate chips
• 100g Apricots
• 3 tbsp marmalade
• Large apple, coarsely grated
• Zest of half an orange

For the pastry

• Jus-Rol Shortcrust pastry (or make your own from scratch)
• Flour, to dust
• Medium egg, beaten
• Icing sugar, to dust

• Preheat oven to 190°C (170°C fan)
• Combine all your ingredients for each ‘mincemeat’ thoroughly
• Roll out pastry on a floured surface until it’s 3mm thick. Stamp out 12 rounds using an 8cm fluted cutter and line a 12-hole bun tin.
• Divide mincemeat among pastry cases.
• Re-roll pastry and stamp out lids. Top each pie with a lid and brush with beaten egg.
• Bake for 12-15min until golden.
• Leave in tins for 3min, then transfer to a wire rack to cool.
• Serve warm or at room temperature with a dusting of icing sugar and gobble with glee.

Stand out brands include Chelsea Peers, M&S, The White Company and Next, making it easy to nail pyjamas, dressing gowns, slippers and fluffy socks in one! There’s something so special about a fresh pair of pyjamas on Christmas Eve that sparks the excitement and magic this time of year brings to life, and we have a feeling that buzz in your stomach and warmth in your heart will feel stronger than ever in 2020.

When do you start donning your Christmas pyjamas? 10+ cosy points if your answer was November 1st!

Zoe

These are my Christmas pj’s of choice this year! I’ve bought them for the family to match on Christmas Day! (a tradition we love). The material of Chelsea Peers is always such great quality and are so comfy! I’m also currently living in these Next moccasin slippers and the best and most cosy dressing gown you could ever own is this one from Marks and Spencer!

Chelsea Peers, CHELSEA PEERS NYC FOIL CHRISTMAS TREE LONG PJ SET, £45

Next, Suede Moccasin Slippers, £26 

*Marks and Spencer, Fleece Dressing Gown, £28 

Lareese

Gifting Christmas PJs has become a tradition in our family. I love me a good set of long PJs all year round but I rarely buy them for myself so opening a festive pair on Christmas Day and climbing into them in the evening fills me with inexplicable glee. This cosy set from Joules is going straight on my wish list!

*Joules, GOODNIGHT CHRISTMAS REINDEER PYJAMAS, £44.95 

Cath Kidston, Long PJ Set Festive Animals, £55 

Next, Cosy Pyjamas In Gift Bag, £26 

*The White Company, Moon-&-Star-Print Pyjama Bottoms, £42 

*The White Company, Moon & Star-Print Pyjama Shirt, £40 

Darcey

I just could not pick one set from Chelsea Peers as they are all so bloody cute! I mean how can you pick between a Christmas reindeer set or a Christmas Llama set? Just not possible. Also, these sets come in a really wide range set, for men, women, children and dogs! Obviously, no cosy night is without a fluffy dressing gown and some slippers, I am loving mule style slippers at the moment and these ones from Next are super comfy!

Chelsea Peers, CHELSEA PEERS NYC CURVE CHRISTMAS REINDEER ECO LONG PYJAMA SET, £35 

Chelsea Peers, CHELSEA PEERS NYC CHRISTMAS LLAMA ECO LONG PYJAMA SET, £35 

*Marks and Spencer, Hooded Dressing Gown, £28 

Next, Suede Mule Slippers, £20 

Danielle

I usually opt for something jersey and patterned for Christmas and love this fun polar bear print from M&S. I’ve also fallen in love with a short this year and much prefer sleeping in them, this little set is a good nod to Christmas from ASOS. If I’m really pushing the boat out it’s the best time of year to treat yourself to some spenny jams like this pair I’ve got my eye on from The White Company. Of course, you have to finish any look off with a novelty slipper!

*The White Company, Brushed-Cotton Gingham Pyjama Set, £80 

*H&M, Knitted slippers, £12.99 

*ASOS, ASOS DESIGN slouchy sweat & stripe short pyjama set in white & red, £24 

*Marks and Spencer, Women’s Family Christmas Pyjama Set, £19.50 

Maddie

With my ever-expanding baby belly, knowing what to wear to bed is getting more challenging. I’m usually a fan of a long PJ set but the more I size up on the waist the more they drown me in other areas, quite the conundrum! Next do some amazing options that are super cosy and have plenty of giving which is exactly what I need at the moment!

Next, Cosy Pyjamas With Scrunchie, £26 

Next, Pyjamas In Gift Bag, £24 

Next, Cosy Pyjamas With Scrunchie, £26 

Charlotte

We’ve all been loving our faithful loungewear this year but I’m v excited to branch out into some new, cosy Christmas pj’s to spice things up a little. I love a super cosy and warm fleece material so that’s always my go-to- there is personally no such thing as too much cosy in this instance. The star print navy jammies from John Lewis are my more sophisticated pick (if that even exists in the PJ world) and ones I would happily wear in front of extended family when the 3 pm Christmas Day slump hits.

*Marks and Spencer, Fleece Heart Print Pyjama Set, £15 

*John Lewis, Cyberjammies Stella Star Print Pyjama Set, Navy, £48 

*Hollister, Gilly Hicks Dreamworthy Soft Joggers, £25 

Holly

Nothing better than a cosy winter night watching Harry Potter or Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging. Last year I got some pj’s from Chelsea Peers for Christmas and they’ve just launched a loungewear range which you BET I have my eye on. And no night in is complete without a huge blanket wrapped around me and fluffy socks on my tootsies.

Chelsea Peers, CHELSEA PEERS NYC LOUNGE TIE DYE BLUE HOODIE, £30 

Chelsea Peers, CHELSEA PEERS NYC LOUNGE TIE DYE BLUE JOGGER, £30 

*New Look, 2 Pack Pink Super Soft Bouclé Slipper Socks, £4.99 

*Matalan, Stripe Faux Fur Throw Blanket, £25 

Shop the post

*This post contains ad-affiliate links

Here’s a look at the team’s answers to this month’s BYAM life dilemmas.

Lareese

Hi lovely! Oh man, I feel for you. Is your partner aware that you feel this way? I think the best course of action would be to first broach the subject with him first and see if he can subtly mention it into a conversation with his mum, so it doesn’t become this huge drama when it doesn’t need to be. You’re all grown-ups, and as much as it’s lovely for her to be so involved with both your lives, living next door to one another is bound to get a little intense and as a couple, it’s SO important that you have that space, independence and ultimately, privacy.

If your mother-in-law is used to snapping her fingers, barking orders and turning up uninvited, perhaps suggest a particular day /evening see each other and try to plan times to spend quality time together, rather than your partner being at her beck and call all the time. I also think it comes down to compromise and communication and it’s probably a conversation that’s better coming from her son than from you, particularly if she’s argumentative. She’s bound to be more receptive if her own son says, mum can you chill out a bit and leave us in peace. She’s got to understand that you guys will need your space and everything can’t always be on her terms.

I was listening to a podcast the other day with Kate Ferdinand and she was talking about the difficulties she faced when Rio’s dad used to have a key to their house and willingly let himself in. So, they had a bit of an honest conversation and set some boundaries and it was all fine and dandy in the end. Even if it is a bit of a hard conversation to have, things can only change for the better if you hash it out. Best of luck – let us know how you get on! Lareese X

Maddie

Hi there and thanks for sending in your dilemma. This certainly sounds frustrating and I’m sure there are many people that will relate to this situation, in particular during the current pandemic where families have bubbled together who ordinarily wouldn’t live in quite such close proximity. I think the priority is you and your partner need to get on the same page and you need to articulate what it is that’s bothering you exactly by her behaviour. I know it can be a very sensitive topic so probably best to tread a bit carefully at first and explain how the arguments make you feel. I think once you feel like you and your partner are a team together and you have his full support, that will immediately make expressing how you feel to your mother in law much easier. If you feel like speaking to her directly isn’t an option for whatever reason, then your husband should have an honest conversation with his mum in the first instance. That conversation should very much position your feelings about how she’s behaving to be mutual and that you both feel like setting some boundaries would really help improve all of your relationships. I really hope that helps and things improve soon! Take care, Maddie x

Holly

Hello lovely human,

Thanks so much for sending this question in, and I’m sorry you’re having a bit of a hard time!

Well done for already confiding in your mum that you aren’t religious, I can imagine that was hard when it sounds like she has quite strong beliefs. Try to not overthink her having gifted you a bible, it’s something she’s passionate about so only right that she wants someone she loves to be included in this too. Part of her is probably hoping you’ll change your mind. I would just give her a gentle reminder if she brings it up again and say you’re taking a step back. And maybe with regards to the limited edition bible, phrase it like because you’re taking a step back, there might be someone that could make better use of it because it’s so special.
What I will say though, is that you can still be a member of the LGBTQ+ community and have faith. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.

And coming out is NEVER easy and I completely understand how it feels. I think more often than not, you’ll be surprised how people will react. People that love you will support you no matter what, even if it might be hard for them to get their head around at first. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, chat to her when you feel comfortable there’s literally no rush. There will definitely be rough patches but it all works out in the end, I am a walking talking version of that, and once it’s done, you will feel this huge weight off your shoulders. Maybe ask your dad for advice on how to tell your mum, he sounds like a great guy! And even if they aren’t together anymore he’ll have some good insight, parents know everything.

Moral of the story is, honesty is always the best policy.

Sending you lots of love and a big cuddle,

Holly xx

Danielle

Hello love!
So sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. I’m so close to my parents and hate how it feels when our relationship isn’t 100% so I can only imagine how terrible it feels. I have not had the most religious upbringing and would probably label myself as an atheist, I really have no interest in it and would probably also shove a bible in the corner of my room. Your mum is probably in denial about how you feel about your Christianity and is hoping (and praying ha) that it’s just a phase and you’ll come back around, annoying but I wouldn’t read too much into it in terms of wanting to come out.

I think it’s fantastic that your dad is on your side and you can be open and honest with him. I agree with Holly that you could ask him to help you with coming out to your mum. At the moment you are worrying so much about what she’ll do. Try not to stress about it because I’m sure she loves you and it will work out. Remember you only need to come out when you’re ready to and don’t feel like you need to rush it. Good luck! x

Darcey

Hi anon!

I want to put it out there firstly that I am no professional or any kind of sex therapist so my advice is basically what I would say to a friend who was facing a similar issue to you. But, I would 100% recommend looking into some sort of sex and relationship therapist if this is something you would feel comfortable doing and if it is financially possible as I appreciate starting therapy can be expensive and isn’t always accessible.

Okay, let’s get into it! I just want to start off by saying that I can see how frustrating this must be for you, but also how scary it must be too that something that used to come so naturally between you both now induces panic attacks. To me, it seems that him initially leaving you without any warning was really traumatic and maybe there is still some unresolved trauma that is therefore stopping you from wanting to be intimate with him. I also think the fear of him leaving you again, whether that be due to your sex life or not is really affecting you too.

I want to put this out here that if he leaves you because of the problems you are facing with sex at the moment, instead of helping you through it or trying to resolve it together through therapy etc, then I really think you are probably better off. I think he really needs to take some sort of accountability as it seems your fear of sex has come from this first break-up. I just really don’t want you to feel pressured to have sex for him, never do anything you don’t want to do, and I really hope he is being supportive.

As I said, I’m not a sex therapist nor do I have any experience in this area so I think finding a professional would be really good for you. Even if you did one session with a sex and relationship therapist, sometimes one session is all you need. I think writing in a journal could help you too especially after you’ve had these panic attacks regarding sex, sometimes writing your feelings down lets you explore the issues more deeply and you might find you can resolve it once you get to the bottom of it.

I really hope this helps you out in some way, all the best, Darcey xxx

Danielle

Hello love, thank you so much for writing in with your problem, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. Even though you and he are back together that doesn’t necessarily mean everything is great and you’ve got a happy ending. Life is way more complicated than that and from an outside perspective, it seems like you never dealt with the trauma of being broken up with so abruptly the first time.

I would imagine your feeling a combination of the following things; terrified he might turn around and do it again, the feeling of rejection, the confusion of why he did it, heartbroken from the first break up, that you might not trust him in the same way you did before. I obviously think you should have a deep think about how you feel, and then talk to your partner about it, he did something very serious that can’t just be forgiven instantly and he needs to understand the importance of patience in a situation like this.

You also mentioned getting panic attacks which is not something you should ignore. When things like this start affecting your health it’s so important to go and see you GP, that’s what they’re there for. x

Charlotte

Hi anon,

From your email, it seems like you’re a very kind, thoughtful person and I think you should definitely give yourself a pat on the back for how mature and measured you’ve been! Sex drive is a tricky one because I think it’s very easy for someone to take it personally whenever the discussion arises about potentially slowing things down, assuming you’re suddenly not as attracted to them or are losing interest etc etc. So I think maybe work up to bringing this up with your boyf and in the run-up to this conversation make an effort to show him how committed and happy you are with him to hopefully form a bit of a safe space where he doesn’t automatically panic. Again the question of marriage and feeling like it’s come into the conversation a little prematurely might elicit the same concerns from him, so I think gentle but consistent reminders of your love and commitment to him maybe without a ring on your finger will help that conversation go in the right direction.

I really think honesty is your best policy here- like you said, lockdown and 2020 as a whole has affected everyone differently, but perhaps for you, it’s put things into perspective and shown that life is too short to be worrying about labels or big milestones like marriage, and instead, you’d rather make the most of being young without those pressures right now. It’s tricky if he really does feel ‘ready’ for that next step, but realistically is it something that would even be feasible? Maybe you could emphasise you would love to get married someday but would prefer to save for a flat together or to travel before the financial commitment of a wedding. I think it’s just about laying your priorities out on the table and explaining that you might just need a little more time to feel totally ready. He can’t really argue with that and I’m sure will value your honesty and willingness to open up!

Best of luck- you’ve got this!
xxx

Holly

Hello lovely reader,

Thank You for sending this question in, how relatable!

I think lockdown has been hard for everyone in so many different ways. You’re right, he’s probably lonely but also probably feeling a bit insecure. I’ve had worries myself that my friends I haven’t seen in months won’t have a connection, or they’ll forget about me in lockdown. So maybe this is his way of trying to double-check you’re still into him?

If I were you I’d just sit him down and explain how you’re feeling. I don’t know how long you’ve been together but talking about marriage at 19 years old seems so young! You literally have so my life left to live and so much growing to do. I think try and reassure him that you love him but also be frank and say it’s a bit full-on at the moment. He will understand and probably appreciate your honesty. It sounds like he loves you a lot so would probably hate to think he’s made you feel uncomfortable.

As for having a lower sex drive, please remember that is completely normal. Especially when you’ve been together for a little while, it’s only natural that you’re not constantly horny! It’s literally impossible to be on the same wavelength all the time. Everyone is different.

Good luck! Sending love,

Holly xx

Maddie

I think when it comes to your career it’s so easy to get worked up and obsessed over the here and now and it’s sometimes difficult to see the stepping stones you’re taking to something bigger and better without really realising it. It’s completely understandable of course, a persons career is important and when it doesn’t feel right or you’re not enjoying it then it can feel really demoralising. I can relate, after leaving university I had no idea what I really wanted to do and I spent a long time trying to work out what exactly made me tick and want to get out of bed every day.

Nowadays I try and think of a job and career much in the same way to moving into your first home. Your first home is usually not the “dream” or “forever” home but it’s one step closer to that perfect place that you will want to stay in for a long time, if not forever. It puts you on the ladder and I look at work in a similar way, as long as you are learning new skills and meeting new people, you are working towards that dream job, even if you can’t see it yet.

What is most important is you have already done the hard part, you know what you want and what makes you happy, being creative. It’s difficult without knowing more about your current role however if I were you I would start by being proactive in the role you have and put yourself forward for things that sit outside of your remit where you can be more creative. Whether that’s something that the company is already working on or something completely new. Could you get involved in renewing the company website or social media accounts for example? Could you start a workforce group around one of your passions, for example, ways to make the company greener? Does the company have a newsletter or blog you could contribute to or startup? There are always ideas you can bring to the table and trust me if you have a good manager, they will be thrilled that you’re using initiative and looking at ways to expand your skillset.

If you don’t feel like you can fulfil that creative itch in your current role then doing things outside of the office that allows you to be creative in the meantime would be the next best thing. Try teaming up with a friend on a project and set yourself small goals each week so it doesn’t feel so overwhelming and feels more achievable. Best of luck with everything and do keep us posted on what you choose to do!

Lareese

Hello my love!

I think a lot of the time, we’re fooled into thinking we all stay the same throughout our lives and we should stick to liking the same things or being the exact same person we were 10 years ago but we’re fluid beings – we kind of rely on change as a means of personal growth. Our weight fluctuates, our tastes in interiors change our fashion sense evolves as we get older and really, what makes us happy in our careers is no different, it’s always in a state of flux and subject to change. So, when it comes down to knowing what you want to do with your life, it’s inevitable that we’re going to feel overwhelmed by the enormity of it. It’s a big existential ask! Instead of thinking about what we want to do with our lives, let’s look at the here and now and what you want to do with THAT. Then the prospect of signing up to this one career path for the rest of our lives doesn’t seem so scary and final.

If writing and creativity is what really feeds your soul and quiets your mind, then you should absolutely prioritise that. You don’t always need to be writing for someone else, if writing is something that grounds you and brings you back to yourself, then doing it for you is 100% enough. I feel the same way about reading and writing – they’re top tier self-care activities for me. A blog is a great starting point – definitely set one up. It’s a great way to hold yourself accountable for writing regularly, whether that’s once a week or once a month, just start somewhere. From a career perspective, it’s also essentially a portfolio/cv of all your work – great for prospective employers.

Keep a notepad next to your bed so you can scribble down ideas that come to you at the most random of times. I also use my notes on my phone whenever I come across nice words or ideas that spring to mind when I’m out walking, it’s a godsend. Writing snippets of ideas down also alleviates some of the pressure of coming up with your best idea then and there – nothing is more terrifying than a blank page or a blank word doc.

All the while you’ve got this other job ticking along and paying the bills put the feelers out for creative jobs (social media is a great place to look for writing positions / creative studios that might need contributors for copy). I think the biggest crime would be to starve yourself of that creativity that clearly offers you a great deal of fulfilment, so definitely start writing again. You’ll never know where it could take you. Best of luck, let us know how you get on, I’d love to read your content 🙂 Lareese Xx

Charlotte

Okay, SO. I personally don’t respond well to tough love, but I feel like in this situation it might be necessary haha! I had a similar-ish situation whereby my ex and I had broken up a couple of times and always ended up back together, but we were totally boyfriend and girlfriend and on the same page, unlike your situation which is maybe a bit foggier. I think your outlook and how introspective you’re being in considering the future is a really good sign though! It’s so hard to know when to make a call like this but the fact you’re open to putting yourself first and prioritising your best interests and mental health is SO. GOOD. To be honest, it sounds like you’re already 90% of the way there in knowing what to do in your heart of hearts, but I hope maybe this will just confirm your decision. I think it has the potential to end badly for both you and him because of the lack of boundaries in place, so lets, of course, avoid that if we can!

It’s totally right and natural to always care for him- it sounds like he has been and will continue to be a big part of your life, but maybe it’s time to really weigh up how you want things to be in the future, and if this back and forth/unsettled ‘situationship’ is good for you in the long run. And you never know, he might be feeling the same! Communication is your best friend in a dilemma like this as it seems neither of you fully know where you stand. Although it might feel hard to draw a line under it and really make the effort not to fall back into the habit of seeing each other, it’s the right choice in the long run if you know the relationship could never be 100% what you need.

Lockdown and social isolation make breakups and any kind of emotional upheaval a bit harder because of the lack of distractions, but I’m sure your friends will rally around you and look after you via a Zoom or socially distanced walks- they will be your rocks in this new phase of life!

Best of luck- I know you can do it!
xxx

Darcey

Hi there anon!

I can see how this is such a tricky situation. Sometimes falling out with a long-term friend is worse than a breakup because you don’t expect a friendship to end so abruptly. I can’t blame you either for thinking about her in these crazy times too and wanting to see if she is okay. I think it would be good to consider a few different options here.

Firstly, I would really think about the reason you fell out and how that made you feel at the time. Something had gone wrong in the friendship and you felt as if everything was about her, when you confronted her, I assume she didn’t react well, and this is why you fell out. If she has failed to contact you even after this falling out, to understand why you felt this way, I wonder if the friendship can be saved? I think it can be harder to leave a friendship behind but both parties should get something out of the relationship and that should always be positive. I also believe a real friend would be really upset at the thought of thinking they had been ignoring your needs for so long and would want to fix this.

However, secondly, I am unaware of things going on in your friend’s life at the time and whether she was consumed by something else that meant she was speaking about her problems all the time and lost sight of others needs. So lastly, I would say that if you feel that you want to reach out to her, I don’t think that is a bad thing at all, you never know how she will respond! I think you just need to be prepared for all outcomes and yes potential rejection from her. I think to mend this friendship too she really needs to understand your point of view, and you need to hear her side too. I think only after having a proper conversation about it all can you really decide if the friendship can be saved.

I really hope this helps and wishing you all the best! Darcey xxx

Whether you’re hunting for an affordable gift for your co-worker or your gal pal, we’ve collated a few tips and tricks to take the hassle out of sourcing your Secret Santa this year.

Draw the names

During these strange Covid times, we need remote solutions! Well, look no further than Drawnames.co.uk for all your Secret Santa organisation needs. Simply enter all the email addresses of the participants and the automated program will assign everyone a Secret Santa name. It’s quick, easy and no-one ends up picking themselves. Sweet!

Plan ahead

Stick to the budget

Bottom line: Decide on a budget and stick to it. While splashing out on a £50 perfume might seem like a great way to win at Secret Santa, part of the fun is hunting for a present that’s within the allocated budget, however hard it is to stick to it. The same goes for under-spending. Respect the limit, people. It’s there for a reason.

Make it personal

Make it family/office-appropriate

Read the room and know your audience, especially if you’re buying for a co-worker. What might be a belly laugh for you might not be all that funny to someone else, so, if you know the person really well, feel free to make it funny and familiar but respect the Secret Santa boundaries. Go too risky or risqué with the present and it could all backfire with a letter from HR or a dressing down from your auntie Julie.

Prepare, prepare, prepare

Consider shopping small & independent this year

Where possible, look to buy from small independent businesses and start-ups. Now, more than ever, they need all the support they can get. From hand-poured, small-batch candles to a bottle of wine from a local vineyard, artisan chocolate or prints from a local artist, shopping small and independent will ensure your gift is original and considered.

If in doubt, play it safe

What happens if you draw a name with a colleague you merely share the same communal fridge milk with? If you don’t know the person very well, go down the generic / useful route. This awkward turtle scenario right here is what gift cards and planners were made for.

Use their social media for intel

Friends on social? Watch their stories & gather your evidence from afar. You might see them post about a hobby or share a post featuring something they love, alongside a very cryptic gif saying: NEED. Instagram = research.

Have fun

The whole point of this festive tradition is to have a bit of good old fashioned holiday fun and nothing brings people together like Secret Santa – even if is on Zoom this year!

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Got any memorable Secret Santa experiences? Let us know in the comments!

Ahhh men- the weird and wonderful creatures in our lives. Not only are they hard to figure out on the other 364 days of the year, but Christmas really hammers home how difficult the male species can be to understand. But never fear, we’re here to help!

For The Foodie

Did someone say a 3-course meal with a side of suave? Whether it’s the mastermind behind a Michelin star-worthy midweek dinner or simply the one you can always rely on to make your favourite comfort food, shopping for the foodie in your life offers endless gifting opportunities. Perishable presents are always a winner at Christmas time, but giving a gift that keeps on giving might be the more fulfilling route to shopping smart this Christmas. From recipe books, kitchenware, accessories to hampers, there’s something super comforting about food for the soul inspired presents.

For The One Who’s Always Outdoors

Adventure is a state of mind! If sitting still is this gift recipients worst nightmare, you’re in the right place for nailing the perfect outdoorsy gift. 2020 has got us all itching for a taste of escapism, whilst solidifying our love and appreciation for the simple yet luxurious pleasure of a nice, long walk.

We’re feeling optimistic that 2021 will offer us endless opportunities for out of the ordinary memories to be made, and this selection offers the perfect hints of wanderlust for walking weekends, camping trips and hikes against gorgeous scenery around the globe. It’s time to get planning!

For The Music Obsessive

Whilst your dad’s questionable taste of 80s bops, and younger brothers insistence on playing Post Malone on repeat might drive you up the wall, they do in fact offer endless opportunities for music-themed gifts you know they’ll love. The fun thing about this category is how nicely it crosses over with personalisation, giving you extra brownie points for thoughtfulness too! Sound wave artwork, retro record walls and lyric inspired prints are just a few gift options you might go for, as well as both speakers and headphones, depending on how aligned your music tastes are.

For The One Who Never Says No To The Pub

Ahhh, the comfort of your local boozer, there’s nothing quite like it! We’ve spent far less time at the pub in 2020 than we’d like, but that doesn’t mean your present options need be restricted for the man in your life that loves a pint and packet of crisps. Go chic with some Insta-Worthy bar cart accessories, or classic with a failsafe beer bonanza and rest assured knowing you really can’t go wrong with a tipple at Christmassss- cheers!

For The Lover Of The Finer Things In Life

Sometimes working with a bigger budget makes it harder to narrow down a gift you think the lucky recipient will really want, but there are a few classic present routes which will never fail you, namely accessories + tech. Go for a classic design in the form of a watch, wallet or tie for the slick and sophisticated man in your life or some smart new tech that promises to sort your dad’s forever overbooked calendar or brother’s extensive uni reading list. Finish with an impressively large bow on top to really stand out under the tree, and you’re about to get yourself in the good books for the whole of 2021- result!

The ‘You Can’t Go Wrong’ Gifts

Sometimes simple wins! Don’t overthink an extravagant or unique gift if you know your dad/uncle/boyfriend just isn’t that kinda guy, and instead stick with the classic holy trinity of Christmas presents – socks, pyjamas and gifts that serve a purpose. 2020 has been complicated enough and simplifying your shopping is likely exactly what you need an extra serving of. M&S, John Lewis and Debenhams- we’re coming for you!

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