So, January was trash then.
Dry Jan is in the bin and if you squint, you’ll just be able to make out Spring’s cheery head crowning
Now we’re into the month of enforced matchmaking fun – minus all the good bits like shagging and raucous galentine’s brunches – but on the plus side, we have pancakes, dry Jan is in the bin and if you squint, you’ll just be able to make out Spring’s cheery head crowning over the lockdown 3.0 hump.
Here’s to making the most of Feb-roo-ary or ya know, just tolerating it, having 18 breakdowns a day and pinning all your hopes on that one nice candle you spent £45 on because that’s where we’re at right now.
PS it’s fig scented isn’t it.
1 Praise yourself for making it through the bleakest January on record. Your lips, your bank balance, your wine supply, it all dried up
2 Thank your lucky stars you don’t have to sit in a restaurant surrounded by couples murdering the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene this year
3 Or share your tiny desk with all the humble brag office flowers
4 Decide that lent is in fact an energy vampire and you’ve given up enough over this last year so it ain’t happening, sorry big man
5 Act shook when your dad sends another V Day card from your secret admirer. He is nothing if not committed
6 Consider what kind of warped existence we’re living in now that we’re being told washing our dirty plates is good for our mental health. WELL, my mind is about to have a f**king whale of a time with this lot
7 Make an ex-boyfriend collage. And by collage, we mean dart board. Hours of fun.
8 Honour National Pizza Day the only way you know how, by deep-throating a 12 incher in the bath. Doughiness is next to godliness.
9 Start hugging trees on your government approved daily walk. The base of a grand oak is all the wood I’m getting rn
10 Burst into flames at the very mention of banana bread. We don’t do that here
11 Eat so many pancakes you perspire maple syrup
12 Realise that it’s nearly your one year in joggers and no bra anniversary. Congrats to my fave couple
13 Sign off a work email with, best wishes Lady Whistledown because nothing matters anymore
14 Cry because the whole of Instagram is either in Dubai or parading their piss poor beautiful fucking snowmen
15 Complete Bumble. That’s a wrap folks!
16 Cook yourself another tasteless dinner – could be Covid, could just be a symptom of @me
17 Place a bid on an ugly orthopaedic computer chair… three lockdowns later and you’re finally putting your posture before your Pinterest aesthetic
18 Watch another serial killer documentary to distract yourself from the doom and gloom
19 Raise a toast to wet Feb, Amazon abstinence, getting dressed, everything gets a toast these days
20 Find yourself alone, naked and eating an orange in the shower. The epitome of unbridled joy
