Sizzling Swimwear To Help You Feel Like the 10/10 You Are
Of course we're all naturally prepared for Hot Girl Summer because we are in fact Hot All Year Around, but if you fancy adding a little spice to your beach or pool life then a new bikini or swimsuit is all you need to conjure up flame emojis galore.
It’s been a longer, colder, more dreary winter than maybe any of us have ever experienced, but as the days tick by and the layers of knitwear slip away, swim season is finally within touching distance and god are we glad of it! Whether you’re a sea, lake or pool swimmer, there’s something totally exhilarating about the first submersion into the water below as your mind becomes focused and the day’s troubles melt away. And equally, if the contents of the British sea or a chlorinated pool don’t appeal, dipping a toe in and retreating to the sand or sun lounger offer equal magical, mindful benefits that life has been deprived of thanks to the panoramic and winter months. It’s time to seize the summer!
Of course we’re all naturally prepared for Hot Girl Summer because we are in fact Hot All Year Around, but if you fancy adding a little spice to your beach or pool life then a new bikini or swimsuit is all you need to conjure up flame emojis galore. Feeling comfortable in your swimwear is the goal, as walking around in essentially waterproof underwear is always going to be a bit of a confidence challenge, so finding a style and shape that work for you is key! From high waisted to thong bottoms, underwired to triangle tops and the classic all in one swimsuit there’s a lot of choice out there, but once you find your ‘thing’ you’re set for summer seasons aplenty.
Bookmark your beachwear looks of choice and get ready for the impending heat (we’re looking at you!).
If you came here for a good time and first hand (ahem) write-ups of what is essentially the opening chapter of a collection of masturbation memoirs, you’ve landed in the right spot.
Vibrators have enjoyed quite the glow up recently and for that we say AMEN.
Between the thumping bedside table rabbits and medieval looking bullets, it was was slim pickings back there for a while but now, our sex toys are finally as beautiful as they are effective. We can only hope their rumbling vibrations set off the machines at the airport because the world needs to see how pretty pleasure can be.
Step aside ears and ammunition, for the self-pleasure menu has evolved into an all you can eat buffet of slick and silent greatness with the likes of The Firefighter to The French Lover (it has a tongue) coming through with all the battery life, outrageous good looks and clitoral chivalry we need from our sex toys.
If this is the first you’re hearing of this iconic duo, you’re about to have the meet-cute of your life. They’re two proud members of the Smile Makers Collective and trust us when we say they are men of their word.
From oral sex simulators to vulva vibrators, there’s a toy for every kind of pleasure in the Smile Makers squad, so naturally we had to try them out because we take our jobs very seriously and what good is a section of the website dedicated to We Tried reviews if we’re not going to road test sex toys, for crying out loud.
If you came here for a good time and first hand (ahem) write-ups of what is essentially the opening chapter of a collection of masturbation memoirs, you’ve landed in the right spot. Carry on reading to find out what happened when six women were let loose with a bunch of vibrators…
The French Lover
If there’s one thing Smile Makers do very well, it’s tearing up trash taboos around self-pleasure, one vibrator at a time. All their products are pretty, playful, approachable (sorry, just over here making them sound like a soppy ol’ Labrador) and aesthetically superior, making masturbation something to celebrate and embrace on the daily.
The French Lover has a sensual touch to mimic oral sex so if you’re not keen on vigorous, heavy-handed clit stimulation, you guys will hit it off right away. The vibrator is made of silicone with a soft top which, if you’re used to the targeted vibrations of a bullet for example, might take you by surprise but not necessarily in a bad way.
You can also use in tandem with an internal vibrator if, like me, you like the best of both worlds.
The best way I can describe the texture of the ‘tongue’ so to speak, is like one those battery-operated portable fans with the foam blades. The speed and pulsation modes enable you to tailor the pressure should you want a firmer smooch but clit-teasing is really The French Lover’s speciality. You can also use in tandem with an internal vibrator if, like me, you like the best of both worlds. Great for coupled sex and solo adventures alike, anyone would be blessed to have this in their life. It’s a right French fancy.
Well if there’s ever a product I’ve looked forward to reviewing, this is it. I genuinely really enjoyed the whole process, from choosing the toy, to giving it a spin.
The product comes with a great leaflet teaching you how to explore yourself and is really insightful. I was so excited to play a match with the Tennis Pro (hehe, see what I did) I was sure I was going to find my g-spot first time round. But after a few tries, no luck unfortunately. Despite having not found my g-spot, it was still very enjoyable. And what a shame, I’ll have to keep trying.
I think the whole smile makers experience makes the idea of self pleasure less daunting and will definitely be purchasing from smile makers again.
I think the whole smile makers experience makes the idea of self pleasure less daunting and will definitely be purchasing from smile makers again. I always thought the idea of buying your friend a vibrator was weird but this is so pretty, I kind of understand it more now.
The packaging is discrete and I can say hands down this is the prettiest sex toy I’ve ever seen. Shop The Tennis Pro here.
The Firefighter
Hellooo Firefighter. I don’t know if this name is supposed to conjure up images of wet, wet, wet but my hopes were certainly high as this toy is unlike anything I’ve used before and its description definitely gets the pulse racing. Initially I have to say it took me a while to work out exactly the best position and pressure to apply as I’m normally a fan of clitoral stimulation exclusively and the focus this toy has on the labia too was a little different.
I really loved how many settings and rhythms there were whilst still being really quiet- maybe the quietest toy I own!
The toy has been designed to give some love to this area and create more intense, and potentially multiple orgasms. I enjoyed the vibration and pulsing here too but did still feel like the clitoris stimulation runs the show for me and this could have been more intense personally. Maybe it just takes some getting used to but I think I would have preferred the most intense vibration on the nose of the toy whereas it felt like it was mostly on the outer part which focuses on the labia.
Despite that, I really loved how many settings and rhythms there were and how each provided something a little different whilst still being really quiet- maybe the quietest toy I own! The material is SO silky smooth and really lovely to use against the skin too. I absolutely love the Smile Makers website and Instagram and how accessible their content is which makes the idea of trying something new feel exciting and not intimidating. The Firefighterlives on my bedside table and its pastel pink gorgeousness is something I’m more than happy to have out on display. We love to see it! Shop The Firefighter here.
The Billionaire
Where do I start, I was so excited to be reviewing a Smile Makers product, especially because I already owned the Firefighter which is a really, really good vibrator. What I particularly like about Smile Makers is they are super user friendly, fantastic for someones first sex toy as they aren’t intimidating at all. The packaging is super cute, the ethos behind the company is fabulous as well, I like that it’s all centred around the needs and desires of people with vulvas.
So I did the Smile Makers online quiz to determine what toy was best suited for me. I did want to try something out that offered clitoral and penetrative stimulation, so was pretty happy when I was recommended The Billionaire which does just that. The material is super smooth and feels really luxurious on the skin. This vibrator has some pretty intense vibration settings too, I was actually quite taken aback when I first turned it on ha!
I really wanted to find a toy which made me enjoy penetrative masturbation, but actually, I’ve come to the conclusion that the clitoris is where the sweet spot is for me and penetration can be left for sex.
After using the Firefighter for so long this was a nice change to experiment with something more clitoral focused and oh boy did it come through. I must admit I didn’t really use it for penetrative pleasure, I don’t particularly get that turned on by penetration when masturbating as I find penetration more pleasurable with another person. I really wanted to find a toy which made me enjoy penetrative masturbation, but actually, I’ve come to the conclusion that the clitoris is where the sweet spot is for me and penetration can be left for sex.
The power of this vibrator is INSANE. Like… I absolutely recommend it to anyone looking to buy a new vibrator. I have always struggled to hit climax with vibrators or any sex toys, it’s always felt good but I’ve never completely finished. Well… this, has changed the game. So 10/10 Smile Makers!
The French Lover
So, sex toy review didn’t think I’d ever be doing this for work but hey ho there we go! Even though this is anonymous I’m still feeling pretty vulnerable as I do genuinely want to share my experience with you and not just tell you about the speeds and features of my newly beloved French Lover.
When I first had a look at Smile Makers reinvented original collection I was definitely drawn to the Firefighter, I’m not sure why, I think the shape of it just looked like something that would fit nicely in the ol’ vulva and apply the majority of the pressure to the clitoris, however after taking their quick quiz to determine what would be right for me I ended up with The French Lover.
I believe this kind of hinged on how intense I liked my vibrations which I clicked ‘light’ but I wasn’t 100% sure on, as I didn’t know how severe I liked my vibes. The French Lover’s main aim is to mimic oral sex which is why it has a tongue-like shape to it. I can’t remember what I was expecting before trying out Frenchie, I don’t own a ton of sex toys but my most classically used is more like a hard shaft (lol) that I would mostly use on my clitoris, so I was excited to give something more gentle a try.
I always knew that there were lots of different pleasure points around the vulva but using this toy really helped me realise how great they can feel.
There are so many different places you can use the French Lover on to get a different sensation, I always knew that there were lots of different pleasure points around the vulva but using this toy really helped me realise how great they can feel. You get 4 different speeds with 2 pulsation modes so even though I was expecting the vibes to be light, the 4th speed is pretty intense! The tongue like top is not hard it’s kind of flappy which is great for fitting into different creases (lol again) however it can kind of unfurl itself and scrape but I think it’s just a case of getting used to it and how to move it around, having a lot of lubrication probably also helps to limit that.
What else can I say except I really enjoyed using this both on my own and with a partner and it definitely brought me some great orgasms. I actually think this is a really good starter toy if you’re looking to experiment or if you’re a seasoned pro looking for something quite light and casual. I haven’t managed to try this one in the bath but I think it would work really well in there too!
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*This post is not part of a paid promotion however it contains gifted products and ad-affiliate links
Simpler looks offer the potential to add fun bags, jewellery, shoes and hats and can take a timeless outfit into 2021 trends in an instant. Great for the planet and our bank balance!
If you’re feeling a little overwhelmed at the prospect of getting out of the house in ‘normal’ clothes (RIP our well-loved loungewear, gone but never forgotten) then staying simple with your ‘fit but adding 10/10 accessories might be the place to start for cool but effortless-looking attire. Jeans and a nice top never did us wrong before the pandemic, and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Simpler looks offer the potential to add fun bags, jewellery, shoes and hats and can take a timeless outfit into 2021 trends in an instant. Great for the planet and our bank balance!
Hair accessories are having a real moment of late, adding a 90s twist to your look and a playful, flirty addition that can be tied in with your make-up too for the ultimate in cool-girl chic. If you’re seeking a refresh on the classic accessory front then look no further than your sunnies collection- because you best believe a burst of heat will be hitting us in May (manifesting) and no one wants to be unprepared for beer garden season and golden hour photo opportunities. Add a funky pair of shoes- whether you’re a trainer, sandals or heels kinda gal- and get ready to sashay into town for Mojitos on tap and al fresco dining at every opportunity. Spring has got us feeling fabulous!
Darcey
I am really enjoying accessorising with hair clips and scrunchies at the moment, they require zero effort for styling but look really cute! Bucket hat season is also upon us and I am loving this off-white one from Nike. Can never go wrong with a pair of chunky black sandals too on those warmer Spring days (currently snowing as I type this but we move). I like to accessorise with fun jewellery too and these rings from Frasier Sterling have caught my eye with their fun designs.
I love a good summer accessory, there’s no feeling better than heading out with a beach bag (with a bottle of wine in) your fave sunnies and a spring in your step. I think white trainers go with pretty much everything and they’re a great gateway between winter boots and full-on sandals. I’m not picking up many 90s trends but I’m all for a crocodile clip coming back in fashion, they’re so much better than tying your hair up and don’t leave a kink if you wanna let it down later on!
I LIVE for an Extra accessory and the spring/summer season is my absolute favourite time of year for them! Crocs are a very marmite choice but I got some in the summer of 2020 and have honestly loved them ever since. TikTok seems to have given them a bit of a revival too and I’m very here for it- the little jibbitz are so CUTE. I’m also a big hat fan and this oversized bucket hat looks perfect for days on the beach or reading in the park. Finally, I love a novelty piece of jewellery and this spicy lil necklace from Mango is perfect for the heatwave I am currently manifesting.
I’ve only just realised the power of a hair accessory, to hide my shit hair and to make myself look more put together. I never normally accessorise so it’s rare that I’ll buy myself some new ones but these caught my eye. Brighton colours and flowers are the way forward for ultimate spring vibes.
Despite the fact I just know I’ll look like a toe in a wig, I’m in the market for a spring hat and this straw number is one distinguished gentleman. Just in case the hat does me dirty though (incredibly likely), I’ve got the best kind of backup accessory in the form of this Ajouter Store hair clip. I can’t wait for picnic weather to be here so I can swan about in a field somewhere with my basket bag, a french baguette and a bottle of wine without a care in the world. 100% wishful thinking when we had snow a few weeks back but I’m ok with being your friendly neighbourhood optimist.
All the Reasons You Should Be Shopping at Bookshop.org
We all fall into idle habits here and there, regularly sourcing our reading material from cheap, goliath online retailers who can have your order signed, sealed and delivered before you’ve even blinked but there’s a whole other world of online booksellers we’re missing out on and Bookshop.org is one such gem.
If you’re a big reader, you’re probably familiar with all the niche quandaries that come with such a relaxing hobby.
First there’s the problem that keeps us up at night, the nightmare that consumes our lives – we are of course talking about the devastating realisation that we’ll never get through all the books we want to read in our lifetime and there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it. Alexa, play R.E.M.
Then there’s the small matter of our ever-growing TBR (to be read) pile which, come to think of it, isn’t so much of a pile as it is an interrogating high-rise reminder of how problematic we are as humans. Give us a calming, largely horizontal hobby and we will find a way to turn it into a stressful Goodreads vertical challenge but that’s a can of worms to crack open on another day.
Which brings us to the third reading-related conundrum – the moral dilemma of where to purchase our beloved books. Fortunately, out of the three, this one’s a hell of a lot easier to solve, thanks to innovative profit-sharing booksellers like Bookshop.org
We all fall into idle habits here and there, regularly sourcing our reading material from cheap, goliath online retailers who can have your order signed, sealed and delivered before you’ve even blinked but there’s a whole other world of online booksellers we’re missing out on and Bookshop.org is one such gem.
Set up by Andy Hunter, the writer and co-founder of Literary Hub, the online bookshop is on a mission to make buying books easy and convenient for everyone but not at the expense of small and local independent booksellers. At the time of writing, Bookshop.org has generated £1,229,094.48 for local bookshops since its UK launch in November, providing an ethical and more transparent alternative for those who love the ease of shopping with Amazon.
Nicole Vanderbilt, UK managing director at Bookshop.org, told the Guardian, “Our mission is to support indie bookshops precisely so that as many people as possible can continue to shop directly from them.
“We are in this to ensure that indie bookshops continue to exist and thrive in a world where consumers are increasingly buying online. There is simply nothing like the experience of shopping at an independent bookshop.”
It makes it easy to buy your treasured tomes at the click of a button whilst financially supporting local indie bookshops at the same time. That’s a recipe for a feel-good read right there!
If you need any more convincing to change up your book shopping habits, keep reading.
It makes buying books a breeze
Whilst binging on blurbs, chatting in whispered tones with fellow bookworms and catching the whiff of a new-born paperback in a physical bookshop might be an unparalleled shopping experience, one doesn’t always have the time to lend to that kind of haul, especially when the most charming bookshops are usually off the beaten track.
Shopping directly is undoubtedly always the best way to support your favourite booksellers, but Bookshop.org has created a close second best, making it possible to buy books online whilst continuing to support your favourite local bookshops from the comfort of your own home. Throughout the pandemic, it has also provided an essential storefront for booksellers who were forced to shut and did not have the resources to run their own ecommerce website.
If you want to order a book online from one of your favourite local bookshops, you can find them on the map and Bookshop.org will ensure they receive the full profit from your order, so despite not stepping foot in store, you’ll be showing your local bookstore some serious love.
There’s no fomo like book fomo but with all your reads in one handy place and delivered within two to three days, your only worry is finding a place for them all to live.
It’s dedicated to supporting indie bookshops
How does it work? Indie bookshops can create their own virtual shopfront using Bookshop.org. All the partners who sell books using their platform will earn 30% of the cover price from each sale. When a sale is made but not attributed to a specific bookseller, 10% of the cover price goes into an earnings pool that will be evenly distributed among participating independent bookshops.
You can discover rare reads & new voices
Bookshop.org champions authors from all over the globe, allowing you to discover stories you’ve never heard of before. Booksellers at indie bookshops help to get new authors and emerging voices out there into the hands of book lovers they wouldn’t have been able to reach otherwise. From armchair travel to International Booker Prize titles as well as curated reading lists from some household names such as Marian Keyes, you can broaden your horizons and give your TBR pile the shake up it needs.
Bookstagrammers can turn their favourite hobby into a business
It supports anyone who advocates for books through their affiliate programme, which pays a 10% commission on every sale, and gives a matching 10% to indie bookshops.
If you are an author, a website or magazine, have a book club (s/o to us – we’ll come back to that in a minute), an organisation that wants to recommend books, or even just a book-lover with an Instagram feed, you can sign up to be an affiliate, start your own shop, and be rewarded for your book addiction. You’re welcome.
We’re a Bookshop.org partner!
The Zoella Book Club has joined Bookshop.org as one of their partners. So any book mentioned within our articles you’ll be able to shop in one convenient place. Not only will this make it easier for our lovely Book Club community to read along with us (or jump ahead if you’re keen) but it means that, alongside advocating for books & new authors, we can champion local independent bookshops, too.
Show anyone with a vagina a pair of period pants and watch them reclaim their cycle.
Show anyone with a vagina a pair of period pants and watch them reclaim their cycle.
The period, pee and perspiration proof Modibodi undies keep whatever’s happening in our pants firmly under wraps, so we can go about our day with confidence and dignity, all whilst sparing the planet of needless plastic disposables.
From bladder leaks, discharge and little sly wees that sneak out mid-meme – it happens to the best of us – to blood, sweat and tears (probably, if our vaginas could cry), Modibodi has your back.
Modbodi garments fit like regular underwear and are made with their Australian patented breathable Modifer Technology ™ – a slim (3mm), absorbent, stain-resistant, odour fighting liner.
What’s more, a small percentage of every purchase made by a customer goes towards providing products for menstruators in need, through their Give a Pair initiative. So that’s you, the planet and a person in need, all benefiting from the impact of this humble reusable underwear. That’s the kind of feel-good flow we want in our lives.
Let’s not sugarcoat it, periods can be lame and painful, we hear you, but one thing they’re not is gross, and something tells us that bleeding freely into our pants is as unapologetic, sustainable and convenient as menstruation can get. Hey, bodies leak but your pants don’t have to!
Naturally, as a team of proud menstruators and chronic oversharers, we couldn’t wait to put the Modibodi underwear to the test and write about it on the internet for our We Tried series.
I am here for period pants. Tell the world. Initially, I thought there’s absolutely no way anything is going to come close to my beloved menstrual cup but having tried them both and put each of them through their paces, I think they can’t really be pitted against each other like that. They both serve a purpose in my period arsenal.
I’ve got a bit of a rota going on with my reusable period wear. On day one, when I’m not quite f-l-o-w-i-n-g enough to fill my cup to the brim, the Light-Moderate Class Full Brief pants are first on the scene. They’re like an impeccably behaved toddler – so suspiciously quiet and sensible, I barely know they’re there. Then on days 5-7 (I’m a week-long period kinda gal, don’t hate me ’cause you ain’t me) when I’m lighter again but don’t want to risk taking my eye off the ball only for my period to get a second wind, they’re ideal for waving off my cycle.
Overnight, I don’t tend to be all that heavy but the Heavy-Overnight Classic Boy Short gave me all the comfort and reassurance that, come morning, once I had ya know stood up, I was safe to carry on with my day without having to cup my vagina in a race to save my pyjamas. Always a precarious journey to the loo that.
As a die hard tampon fan (before I jumped ship to reusables) one thing I did have to get used to was ‘the feeling’. With the cup you don’t feel anything, you just go about your day and empty it when it’s been 8-10 hours or so, usually in the shower. With the pants, you feel it coming babe, and that takes some getting used to. It’s revolutionary though because here you are, bleeding into your pants and just remaining absolutely chill about it. It goes against everything we’ve been conditioned to fear and dread as women, and that’s incredibly liberating. For so long, bleeding straight into our pants was the code red situation we were always trying to avoid but here we are rewriting that rulebook and I’ve gotta say, I stan primal periods.
I also want to add that I had a day of working from my bed in the Maxi 24 Hour Sleep Shorts, candle on, Classic Fm blaring, eating sushi in my period pants and I felt like a real badass woman haha, so I would recommend doing THAT for the real Modibodi magic.
I wish these products were available when I started my period. Other than the obvious sustainability benefits, it also just feels pretty cool to be more connected to the inner workings of my body. There’s something so cloak and dagger about disposables, from shoving tampons up your sleeve to spare the red-cheeked patriarchy to ripping sanitary towels out your pants every 4 hours just to replace it with a clean white but ironically toxic plastic duvet, it’s all a load of BS.
Something about doing your body laundry really appeals to me. Rinsing my period pants under the shower or emptying & boiling my menstrual cup, is not the chore I thought it would be. It’s quite therapeutic in a witchy way. It’s made me more in tune with my body and its natural quirks.
I’d be keen to test the period pants when we’re not in a lockdown because despite wearing them all day at home and even running round the park and hiking in them, I’d like to see if I’m plucky enough to wear them dusk till dawn on day 2/3, preferably in a pub garden when I let my guard down. That’ll be the real test.
I would say the sizing is a bit on the snug side but I wonder if that’s to offer the best protection against leakage in which case, I’ll take slightly snug all day long over menstrual panic. The initial up-front cost can feel like an investment when compared to your average box of tampons but when you weigh up how much you’ll save over the course of your menstruating years, it’s a great swap to make, both financially and environmentally.
I’m going to carry on using period pants on my lighter days alongside my cup for the heavier days and one things for sure, I’ll never be getting back with disposables. Bleed on, bitches, bleed on.
Holly says…
I didn’t have high expectations for these period pants but I was so wrong! Honestly, I am BAFFLED. WHERE does the blood go? I’ve used a mooncup for a few years now and thought it was well suited to me, didn’t really see the point of switching it up but thank goodness I did.
I have the typical textbook period. Once a month for 7 days. I usually start off quite heavy and it gets lighter after about the fourth day. I wore them on the lead up to my period to prevent leakage because you never know exactly when it’s going to come. And they were super comfy and I actually didn’t even realise when I had come on. Very different to sanitary pads where I was always so self-conscious and worried I would leak.
On the second day of my period, because I absolutely breezed through the first day, I thought I’d try again, when I’m usually the heaviest. This time I tried the sleep short style in skin colour. Again, I was sceptical because if I leaked you’d definitely see it on a skin coloured pair. But nope, nothing again! Absolutely flabbergasted.
They’re also quite pretty. The thought of period pants makes me think of the gross old pair at the back of your knicker draw, that you only grab when you’re really heavy, but these were actually really nice! I always feel like shit on my period but these were such a nice fit with a nice bit of lace detail, I felt substantially less gross than normal.
I do wonder how long they’ll last, as even after one wash they aren’t as comfy. They are also a higher price point than I would usually go for, so would hope they last a while. I can imagine you’d want new ones after about a year and in the interest of being eco friendly, you can keep the moon cup for literally years, so that’s worth considering.
I think going forward I’ll definitely be using a combination of the cup and the pants. Especially towards the end when you’re not super heavy, they’re just a lot more comfortable. I would recommend everyone trying them out for themselves!
Darcey says…
Well, well, well, when you think you can’t be swayed by another period product, here comes Modibodi! I honestly didn’t think I would get on with the period pants after using the cup for a while and overall enjoying the experience of using one. Before I start my review, I must add that I had started to face a couple of minor issues with the cup. I realised I actually have quite a low cervix, so this meant my cup would suction to it quite easily, which was fine as I could grab it, but not that comfortable to remove. I also started to find that on lighter days using a cup wasn’t ideal, so I was using sanitary towels again for those lighter last days of my period, which kind of went against being more sustainable by using a cup. But saying this, I still overall enjoy very much the experience of using a cup.
So let’s get into the Modibodi review! My period is bog-standard, I’m usually on for about 5 days, the first day is pretty light/medium, followed by a couple of days of heavy flow, then gradually it lessens as the next 2-3 days go by. I wore the period pants for a couple of days leading up to my period as I’m never 100% certain when I’ll come on, it’s not quite like clockwork yet after coming off the pill. When I did start my period, I was pretty surprised about how much these pants could hold! I had the shorts which are designed for a heavy flow and nightly use, they said they can be worn for 24 hours, so I put them to the test. On my heaviest day, I whacked those bad boys on in the morning and I left them on till the next morning when I showered and changed my underwear for a different pair. There was no leakage, no sense of sitting in your own period blood either, the blood just disappears?!
The shorts and the classic briefs are super comfy, I got a size 16 but actually think I could have gone up a size as they do seem to shrink ever so slightly in the wash, nothing major but something to keep in mind if ordering a pair. I have ordered some more of the lacy pairs to try out, but I expect they’ll be just as comfy! The amount of blood these pants can hold is extraordinary too, I would feel no fear wearing them all day out the house. My periods are medium/heavy, so wearing the heavy pants for the day worked perfectly for me. They are easy to wash and dry pretty quick as well considering how much liquid they can absorb. I really wish I had something like this as a teen as I think these are so great for someone who is just starting their periods too.
For me now, I’m in a pretty good routine of wearing my Modibodi pants for the most part of my period, especially while I’m still WFH. I use the cup for days I want to wear an outfit that requires smaller and seamless underwear and the cup will be great for Summer and getting in the sea etc. But actually, I’ve found myself a bit converted to the period pants, they are just really fabulous and super comfy, all-round great product for a more sustainable period!
Danielle says…
Up until last year, my period products were pretty limited, it’s something I didn’t think could get any better so I just kind of stuck with what I knew (tampons) occasionally leaking, running out, and generally hating my time of the month.
All of that changed when I started using a period cup, I couldn’t believe how much more it would hold and how it was so much less… messy for lack of a better word. I started to come round to the idea that all these products created for menstruation might ACTUALLY have been created to help me.
I know after the cup revelations that I wanted to try period underwear and that was for a few reasons. I haven’t ‘bled freely’ since I was a teenager so I was interested to see what that was like (spoiler alert, empowering but gross), I wanted to stop using something on the days at the start and the end of my period, and I wanted to have an extra layer of safety on heavy days when using the cup.
I was sent a classic brief shape and the night shorts and for my first trial period, I washed them both once after a day of wear to get the most use out of them and try them on every day of my period. The first day was fantastic as this is usually the day I’m fairly light but I’d still have to use something so it was so nice to just chuck them on and not worry about changing a product or ruining a pair of my knickers, I also kept them on through my first night knowing day 2 would be a lot heavier.
For day 2 I switched to the shorts and BOY do they soak up pretty much everything and anything. Where does it all go? They are basically magic. This is usually my heaviest day and it was so interesting to not have anything ‘inside me’ as it were. It was quite empowering, just feeling it all and understanding how often I was bleeding but it got to a point in the afternoon where I was over the feeling and wanted my precious cup back in.
I wore the shorts that night and had absolutely zero worries about leakage, I’ve seriously never worried less, blood getting out of that situation would be like escaping from Alkatraz, the combo is full-fucking-proof.
I decided to carry on the next day with my cup and briefs and it was heaven for pretty much the same reasons. It just feels so great to not have to worry I honestly would have been happy blasting out the house in white jeans. 13 year old me was rejoicing at the lack of fear my period held over me.
The final day I went back to just shorts and this may be one of the BEST times to wear period underwear. The final day where you have to wear something but you’re so over shoving something inside you and simply don’t want to carry on doing it. You can’t feel anything coming out of you and you don’t have to worry about making a mess. I’m so pleased I’ve got a routine with my period that I’m truly happy with and I urge you to break out of your comfort zone and invest in finding something other than the standard tampons because I guarantee you there are products out there you’ll love and will make your time of the month so much more enjoyable.
If your thinking about trying out period underwear go for it, grab one pair and experiment with wearing them on different days of your cycle to find out what you like and what you don’t. Consider this inspiration to head out the nest on your menstruation journey, fly my beauties!
The Picnic Blanket Inspired Gingham Items You Need For Spring
If Miranda Priestly didn't deem florals groundbreaking for Spring, then we pose the second most wonderful print: gingham.
If Miranda Priestly didn’t deem florals groundbreaking for Spring, then we pose the second most wonderful print: gingham. Straight outta a British, cottagecore dream, gingham comes in many shapes, sizes and colour ways making it the ultimate evergreen trend during the Spring season. Triple points if you coordinate with your picnic blanket for all the outdoor socialising fun.
Straight outta a British, cottagecore dream, gingham comes in many shapes, sizes and colour ways.
Pastel gingham had a real moment in 2020 as the iconic Sleeper Atlanta Dress took our Instagram feeds by storm, and this print’s timeless yet playful quirks make it a failsafe for those wanting to bridge out and add print or colour into their wardrobes. Checkerboard prints have made their way into homeware too, cementing that this easy breezy trend is here to stay for the season ahead.
Primark has been the subject of Instagram Stories aplenty since shops reopened on the 12th April, and their selection of gingham delights is another reason to stick out those queues. Zara McDermott looked especially chic in this turquoise co-ord* from the icons at Primark HQ along with a ravishing selection of other £8 gingham goodies. Meet ya at the checkout!
We caught up with Verity and Kitty for the Daily Flame, an earth-conscious homeware brand that started at the beginning of the pandemic.
First off, how are you and how is your 2021 going?
Thank you for asking! We are good thanks…2021 has been a whirlwind so far. The last few months have been about finding our balance, as we’ve both spent the last 6-8 months trying to run Daily on top of our full-time jobs. Kit actually left her job in April to focus more time on the business, which has been a real gear change for us. It makes such a difference having dedicated time on Daily and it has allowed us to level up and get strategic, rather than constantly being reactive. We’ve got so many amazing products in the pipeline for 2021, and we can’t wait to share them with you.
Can you tell us about Daily Flame and the products you produce?
Daily is an earth-conscious homeware brand; we create and design products that are good for the home, mind and planet.
What inspired you to start your business?
We were both searching for the same high quality, conscious products and shopping experience that we couldn’t find elsewhere. Our mission is to create a community of like-minded people who are passionate about their home and planet too. The real progress happened when we started dedicating two hours a week to meet and discuss next steps… dividing tasks and coming back with our findings. That would be our biggest piece of advice to those wanting to start their own business… you need to religiously schedule time in, otherwise, it’s hard to make things happen!
A lot of businesses started during the pandemic, why do you think it was such a good time for a small business to boom?
For us, the extra time was everything! With socialising and commuting out the window, we had our evenings and weekends free to dedicate time to growing Daily alongside our full-time jobs, which we were fortunate enough to still have during the pandemic. With so many people sadly being made redundant or placed on furlough, they were also able to turn their hobbies into their own fully-fledged businesses, which we love because it has increased the breadth and uniqueness of products available to buy online. There was also a huge push to support small businesses in 2021. As a customer, it’s empowering to know that we have the power to vote with our money, and make a tangible impact on someone’s life by choosing to shop small where we can.
A lot of your products focus on the female form, why do you think this has become such a big trend?
For us, it’s about reclaiming our bodies, as well as encouraging women to break away from societal pressures and unrealistic, unachievable ‘ideals’ that are fed to us predominantly through the media. Our products are designed to help our customers embrace and accept themselves and all of their wonderful, beautiful quirks.
What is the process like for imagining a product and seeing it come to life?
We are constantly searching for inspiration, whether that’s from articles, magazines, pinterest, but also things we think and feel. For example, our (soon to launch) glassware collection was inspired by our desire to reconnect with loved ones this summer, after such a long time apart. Daily products are designedfor and by our customers… so our next step is customer feedback. This often includes short polls and questionnaires on our IG stories – to get an idea of what our customers need and want before progressing any further.Once we have an idea that we are excited about and our customer needs, we research how we can create it in the most sustainable way. Then we test and re-test on small customer groups until we have a product we can be proud of.
What are your top 3 tips for starting a business?
Just start! Don’t worry about the finer details, don’t obsess over the little things… just get the ball rolling
Know your brand values and never falter from them
Stay focused on your brand, your ideas and your customers. It is so easy to feel inferior or compare yourself with other brands, but we firmly believe that there is space for everyone!
What are you currently working on?
In May we will be launching our upcycled glassware collection, with a major focus on reconnecting with your besties and loved ones after what has inevitably been a difficult year. Sneak peek coming so soon on @dailyflame__!
Who are some of your favourite fellow small businesses?
There are SO many we love, but if we had to pick here are our top 3x…
Kit: I love a movie night with our girl friends, long walks in the sun, going out for a nice meal or to the theatre and then I’m a sucker for a self care Sunday – bath, face mask and Gu Pud vibes all round.
Vez: A yummmyy meal out on Friday (with a few glasses of red ofc)… a long walk on Sunday, with our pals heading over that evening for a roast!
What do you always carry with you?
Kit: Sweets! I have the most ridiculous sweet tooth, you could honestly find sweets in every single one of my bags. I just never know when I might need a sugar fix, you know?!
Vez: Water… that’s probably really boring and practical, but I always have a reusable water bottle on me.
What would your last ever meal be?
Kit: Oh this is hard! I’m not much of a foodie, but definitely a pudding gal.. I’d probably say a biiiig pizza with all the cheese, and then a chocolate fondant pud with mint choc chip ice cream.
Vez: Pad Thai and a mars ice cream… deeeeeelish!
What is one positive piece of advice you could give to our audience?
GO FOR IT – if this is the sign you need, whatever it is you’ve been putting off, waiting to do, too worried to begin, you can do it we totally believe in you!
Despite what porn and the movies would have you believe, the majority of women and people with vulvas cannot reach orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. Say it louder for the people at the back.
We don’t need to tell the vagina-owners in the room that the clitoris is our sexual pleasure capital. Literally, its sole purpose is to exist to feel good and we respect that kind of thirst.
Despite what porn and the movies would have you believe, the majority of women and people with vulvas cannot reach orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. Say it louder for the people at the back.
Sixty percent of vulva owners in the UK say that clitoral stimulation is key to climax with a partner, whilst 64% say it is key to climax during masturbation.
To sum up, then: our clitoris is a big, huge throbbing deal – touch it enough times and sure enough, a genie will appear and grant all your wildest wishes, so why is our most powerful pleasure spot so misunderstood?
Let’s circle back to sex education for a hot minute. Traditional sex ed does an excellent job of neglecting the importance of pleasure in sex, particularly where women and vulva-having people are concerned.
It’s no coincidence that we grow up confusing our vulva and vagina because the female anatomy is only ever defined against the a heteronormative, penetration-centric societal norm but we are so much more than a semen bag-drop or child-bearing receptacle, my friends.
In a study commissioned by Smile Makers at the end of 2020, surveying 1,000 of women over the age of 20, only 12% said they had received a sex education that had equipped them well to understand their pleasure and 78% did not have access to either pleasure-positive sex education or other sources of information on the topic of pleasure.
We’re calling out traditional sex ed – time to get with the programme (that’s pleasure-based sex ed btw) and give our clitorises the airtime they deserves.
Clitoracy – The Mission to Make the Clitoris Known:
To fully understand clitoral orgasms and their pleasure-giving superpowers, we need to get up close and personal with our anatomy. Contrary to popular belief, the clitoris is much bigger than the little nub we think it is, like an iceberg, there’s a lot more going on under the surface. It is a sprawling underground empire, equipped with 8,000 nerve endings. That’s nearly twice the amount found in the head of the penis but please, do carry on teaching us about wet dreams and boners.
These structures have erectile tissues and much like the penis, they swell as you become aroused.
You see, our clitoris has legs. We’ll give you a second to let that sink in. It has two legs/roots, two bulbs, glans, nerves, blood vessels, a shaft and the capacity to become erect, so not like a tiny button at all, more like a structure that wraps around the vagina like a wishbone. These structures have erectile tissues and much like the penis, they swell as you become aroused. The part we see and often assume is the clitoris in its entirety is the pea-sized glans clitoris and clitoral hood which varies in size from person-to-person.
As the clitoris swells in size upon arousal, it can press against the anterior wall of the vagina around an area known as the G-spot. As the current state of science explains it, it is an erogenous zone through which both the vagina and the clitoris come in contact. This is why internal stimulation can partly be clitoral stimulation as well.
Setting the record straight on clitoral orgasms vs vaginal orgasms:
Turns out, they’re all one and the same after all (a school bell sounds, your work here is done, you can all go home). Vaginal orgasms are often credited as the best type of orgasm – we can all blame Sigmund Freud for that one – but as the vast majority of us who can’t reach orgasm without clitoral stimulation would suggest, those elusive vaginal Os are pretty hard to come by. Literally. In fact, according to a study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, a whopping 75% of us need clitoral stimulation to orgasm.
Recent studies have pooh-poohed the idea that two types of orgasm even exist and that however they happen, it’s always down to the clitoris. Just how much land can one clitoris own?
Even vaginal orgasms reached via penetration are technically clitoral orgasms
To break it down, then, even vaginal orgasms reached via penetration are technically clitoral orgasms and knowing what we know now about the size of the clitoris, it makes perfect sense. The pleasure is all coming from the same place, it’s just being stimulated in different ways.
That’s not to say vaginal orgasms are a complete fabrication, they’re just a fairly rare phenomenon and the credit almost certainly belongs to – you guessed it – ya golden girl, The Clit.
Technique:
When it comes to stimulation, everyone has their own modus operandi. Some people like the whole palm of the hand to be involved, for others, it’s a combination of less pressure and soft touches or intense vibrations directly on the clitoris. Each vulva-having person has their preferences and there’s no rule of thumb (or finger, or vibrator) where your pleasure is concerned, which is why communication and experimentation is basically what’s going to get you all the way to tingle town.
Don’t be afraid to explore what makes you feel good whether you’re going solo or enjoying coupled sex. Pleasure can be found in all kinds of mysterious places, from using the flow of water from the shower head to making your pillow work hard but play harder. Get curious! There’s no right or wrong way to get your clit-kicks.
Best positions for clit stim
Stroking, massaging, vibrating and licking can all vary in intensity depending on your position. Some people find having their legs totally relaxed and stretched out gets them there, while others prefer being on all fours or on their stomachs against a pillow they can rub against. There’s no magic formula for clit stim.
During penetrative sex, clitorises can often get ignored and we do not accept that kind of neglect around here. There are plenty of positions you and your partner can have a go at to make sure your clitoris is always front and centre.
The Snake – lie on your front and stimulate your clitoris with a toy or your hands whilst a partner or a dildo enters from behind, let them slither in. Sorry, we’ll see ourselves out.
Spooning – whether it’s you or your partner reaching round, there’s plenty of access to the clitoris in this intimate position, just make sure you go full open sesame style with that top leg so your clitoris isn’t smuggled away. It’s basically a glorified cuddle and we’re here for it.
Downward doggy – now there’s a yoga move we’re heavily invested in. Lower your chest to the bed, keeping your hips raised whilst your partner or dildo enters you from behind. Your partner can reach around and stimulate your clitoris or you can pleasure yourself with your hands or a vibrator of your choice.
The Bridge – admittedly, the one’s not for the faint-hearted because it’s basically a Les Mills body conditioning class but getting into the bridge position with your back resting on the bed and your feet flat leaves your clitoris wide open for action.
Reverse Cowgirl – using your hands to balance, lean back so your partner can reach round with their fingers and caress your breasts and clitoris. Yee-haw.
Clit-block the shame game
We are so sick of women and vulva-owners carrying shame – shame for masturbating, shame for menstruating, shame for not being able to reach orgasm, it’s a tale as old as time isn’t it?
There’s enough pressure to reach certain goals in life, let’s not make having orgasms one of them.
It may be cliché but exploring your body and enjoying sex is as much about the exploration of selfhood as it is the grand finale and sure, whilst orgasms are great, feeling yourself in both the literal way and the Nicki Minaj way is where the real magic happens. There’s enough pressure to reach certain goals in life, let’s not make having orgasms one of them.
And whilst we’re on the subject of orgasms, how IS the Duke of Hastings lately? We’re a nation in mourning after the tragic Bridgerton Season 2 news and we’re going to need him to drop some fresh material as a matter of urgency.
This week's team picks include the newbie and ride or die make-up products we've been adding to basket in the run-up to April 12th and beyond.
If you’re anything like us then you’re probably feeling somewhat unfamiliar with the daily make-up wearing drill after a year of tinted moisturiser only, outgrown brows and lacklustre skin in need of some serious Vit D. But the fun of playing with both old and new favourites is back in business baby as we head out into the world with our best bronzed face forward …
The fun of playing with both old and new favourites is back in business baby
As Zoom becomes a thing of the past (manifesting this) it’s all about the details as we get up close and personal with pals over dinner and drinks, meaning a beautifully buffed base or new graphic liner trend won’t go amiss now a pixelated webcam won’t be hiding your good side. This week’s team picks include the newbie and ride or die make-up products we’ve been adding to basket in the run-up to April 12th and beyond, helping us add some pazzazz to our beer garden and Primark looks and the familiarity and fun of regular make-up wearing again.
Zoe
I’ve been having a good old spring clean with all my makeup and checking on use-by dates and throwing anything out that has definitely been in my stash for far too long. (side note, check the dates on your products) So I replaced a lot of my old lipsticks and some of my favourite formulas are the too faced melted matte ones and the Stila ones. I ordered a new bottle of my It Cosmetics CC+ as it’s so lovely for Spring and Summer. I ordered a new tube of Hourglass Unlocked mascara which is my current go-to, I love it! I also treated myself to a new lip balm because the Chai Spice was calling to me.
I’m not really one to try out new makeup so I pretty much just buy my staples when I’m running low, so that’s what this consists of. I ran out of my foundation recently so needed a top-up, my absolute foundation of dreams is the bare minerals original loose powder foundation. I thought it was time to treat myself to an upgraded eyeshadow palette in time for festival season, I absolutely love the range of colours in the revolution palette. I go through lipstick and lipliner like nobody’s business so brought the colour Beet from MAC recently. I also spritz the Charlotte Tilbury Airbrush flawless setting spray like it’s going out of fashion so needed a new one of these too.
Now that life seems to be returning to (somewhat) normality I’ve wanted to refresh my makeup a bit after not really making many purchases in that department for the past year! NYX are my go-to for brow and eyelash mascara, it’s super affordable and works really well, especially the mascara which doesn’t smudge (I’m an oily gal too and even that can’t budge it). Of course, I am always invested in a hype product, Fenty Beauty’s new Eaze Drop Blurring Skin Tint sounded right up my street. I don’t like wearing foundation, especially in the Summer because I’m oily and also sweaty haha! So something lightweight sounds perfect for me. I also couldn’t resist picking up a concealer as I’ve heard great things and of course an iconic Gloss Bomb Lip Luminizer.
I’d guess about 99% of my makeup purchases are influenced from beauty gurus online. It’s the only way I find out about new things and they’re always so complimentary I get sucked in, however, I will say most of the time I love them. I haven’t been a blush wearer for years but obviously, everyone else is all over it so I went for this hybrid (more like a highlighter) from Fenty Beauty in the shade – Girl Next Door / Chic Phreak. It’s so pretty and the perfect gateway to make me buy some more pigmented blush. Next up is the Charlotte Tilbury Flawless Filter which I apply under foundation for that gloooow, it’s lovely, also great as a highlighter or to mix with foundation. Little mascara top up with one of the greats, it needs no introduction! Constantly on the search for a powder that just sets my face without it looking matte and cakey so giving the Laura Mercier Translucent powder a whirl. Also picked up a gloss from, would you believe it, Glossier in their sneaky 50% off window (was it on purpose? will we ever know?!) as I’m over matte lips and I just pop it on top of any lipstick to give it more shine, I feel much more Gen Z and therefore COOL.
I went so long without buying any makeup that I’m now at the point where everything needs replacing all at once. I’m all about my base products and can happily forgo eye makeup which definitely shows in my weekly wants! I’ve gone all out on brows (couldn’t resist the Remy brow kit, will report back) and glow-giving formulas – some newbies and some holy grail huns. Also, confession: I haven’t replaced my eyelash curler in about 10 years so thought it was about time I put that right.
I haven’t worn makeup consistently in so long and let me tell you TikTok has me EXCITED for fun graphic liner and all over blush looks. I hadn’t heard of Glisten Cosmetics before but saw them on TikTok and I’m obsessed with how creamy and easy their liners look to apply. Water-activated liner is new to me but it looks fab and I’ll definitely be ordering multiple colours. Some classic products I’m in need of stocking up on are my ultimate Nars Sheer Glow Foundation and the Urban Decay All Nighter Setting Spray which honestly makes the perfect base. I can’t be going back to the office and to the pub without them- they’re my ride or dies. Cream products are really intriguing me right now as I’ve never really used them before but for glowy, summer skin and eye looks I’m very into it and adding them all to cart rn.
On this month’s agenda we’re gathering by the water cooler to talk whirlwind relationships that have taken a nosedive, coming out when you’re in a hetero relationship, boyfriend doubts and ‘the ick’, final year uni struggles, body confidence and getting that all important break-up closure. Oofff, it’s a biggie.
TW: we will be discussing calorie counting and disordered eating in this month’s BYAM.
Being human is a complex job title innit? Who knew existing would be this much w-o-r-k. The small print for life really did us dirty.
In the absence of speaking to the HR department for @life who were conveniently unavailable for comment for the rest of forever (honestly, the audacity), you’ve got us, your Between You And Me work wives.
On this month’s agenda we’re gathering by the water cooler to talk whirlwind relationships that have taken a nosedive, coming out when you’re in a hetero relationship, boyfriend doubts and ‘the ick’, final year uni struggles, body confidence and getting that all important break-up closure. Oofff, it’s a biggie.
Stick your out-of-office on hun and grab a glass of fizz, it’s circle time.
Holly
Hello love,
My goodness, I really do feel for you. My whole life I’ve struggled with body image. It’s only recently that I’ve started to love the skin I’m in.
Everyone’s relationship with food and body image is individual and I’m no expert so the last thing I want to do is pretend to give advice. But if it is something that’s playing on your mind a lot, it might be worth chatting to a doctor. They might be able to point you in the direction of someone more specialised.
The way I helped myself, I surround myself with people I know love me regardless of my physical appearance. As you said, all bodies are beautiful but there are, unfortunately, still some very shallow people out there. If I’m around other people who care about their physical appearance too much, it starts to really affect me. I’ve actively asked friends who are on diets not to speak about them around me and don’t entertain any conversations about losing weight or exercising.
I also followed some amazing people on Instagram who are all shapes and sizes and they are so unapologetically them, they ooze confidence and I feel like it’s literally infectious. My favourites are:
Sending you so much love, and I’m willing to bet good money that you are absolutely beautiful.
Holly
Lareese
Hello lovely,
I’m sorry you’re going through it with your body, it can feel completely all-consuming and exhausting for these thoughts to dominate your life like this, so I’m SO glad you’ve written into us and opened up. I’m not an expert but from what you’ve said, it sounds like in your heart, you know thinness doesn’t necessarily equate to happiness. As you said, when you were thin, it wasn’t enough which to me suggests there could be something else you’re dealing with here and that maybe it’s just manifested itself in your disordered eating.
I listened to Fearne Cotton’s Happy Place podcast and there was an episode with Sam Smith on there and they were saying that much like our identities and opinions, our bodies never stay the same. They change and fluctuate over time, depending on so many factors whether it’s stress, grief, starting a new job, losing a job, a pandemic the list goes on! I found it really helpful to have it framed that way for me – I don’t know why we put our bodies on such a pedestal when it comes to perfection and weight. We are so much more than that!
In terms of solutions and overcoming thoughts about weight loss – firstly, remember they’re just thoughts. That’s all they are. It may seem like they’ve got a lot of power over you but that doesn’t make them facts. I think it also really helps to try and recalibrate your perspective, too. Check in with yourself! No one is saying being mindful about what you eat and working out is a problem, it only becomes problematic and unhealthy when you use those things against your body. So why don’t you flip the script? Why not make exercising about moving your body to feel good, not to lose weight or achieve a certain unattainable body type. Reposition your goals to be about feeling happy and content. I stopped working out to look a certain way a long time ago and I can’t tell you how liberating it is. I’m 30 now but most of my late teens and early 20s were consumed with the same kind of thoughts you’re having and its no way to live.
As Holly said, surround yourself with the kinds of people who champion self-love and body acceptance and who have healthy relationships with their bodies, both in real life and virtually (@Alexlight_ldn and @megan_rose_lane are bloody brilliant). Fill your Instagram feed with the kind of content that makes you feel good about your body and who you are as a person, rather than the posts that make you feel inadequate and if that means muting some people or unfollowing, so be it. Your mental health is important!
Also, don’t be ashamed to go out there and get professional advice if you’re feeling totally overwhelmed by it all – talk to someone who can help arm you with the skills and coping mechanisms to manage those self-destructive thoughts and behaviours. You don’t have to accept this as your life, you deserve to love your body and thrive in it. Loving yourself is an inside job and it takes constant work but you’ll definitely get there. Sending you lots of love X
Charlotte
Gahhh this is so hard. Just from reading this, it’s taken me back to a lot of similar feelings I had in a previous relationship so I really feel for you because it’s not a nice place to be in at all and can really get under your skin. It sounds like it’s been a bit of a whirlwind from the start and as circumstances meant things did move quite quickly then perhaps that has accelerated these issues and meant your partner has ended up feeling a bit suffocated, which it sounds like you have felt to some extent too. Despite this however, there is no excuse for him not openly communicating this with you and instead leaving you having to question these things and have it taken out on you. If he was feeling like he wanted to slow things down intensity wise, it sounds like you too would have been really open to this conversation, which makes it all the more frustrating that he is being rude and passive-aggressive towards you. I think regardless of if he’s feeling trapped or not, this isn’t the way you behave towards someone you care about and it’s not something I would personally feel bodes well for the future.
I totally understand where you’re coming from in regards to your mental health too as this can definitely be tricky for some to ‘get’ or know how to handle, but again him just leaving you to deal with these big feelings on your own because ‘he would feel better’ just isn’t cutting it for me. Yes these conversations can be difficult and if he’s not had to deal with this before then maybe he felt anxious himself, but I think it’s immature and doesn’t show effort or care from his side to simply leave you without support. However small that decision was for him to see his friend instead, it’s now set an expectation for you that if you want to be open and ask for support then he’s likely to go in the opposite direction, and that’s not okay. You should be able to rely on a partner, you should be able to lean on them when things are hard, and regardless of if you’re both feeling like you’ve seen a bit too much of each other lately, that is no excuse for evading his responsibility to show basic care and concern for you in a time of need. I hope this doesn’t sound harsh, but I don’t want this to become a pattern of behaviour for him which leads you to feel like it’s better to keep these feelings to yourself and to come to expect a boyfriend won’t be there for you, because that simply isn’t the case.
I don’t think it’s grounds to end the relationship entirely, but I think as he hasn’t taken any initiative to have a proactive conversation with you then you need to take this into your own hands and sit down and discuss it further. You’re perfectly within your rights to outline what you need and expect from him, and realistically he should want to know how to do better in supporting you. Try and gauge his reaction and see if he shows any sort of remorse for how he’s been behaving, and if not I hope you’re able to put yourself first and know that you are never, ever, a burden and do not deserve to be made to feel this way. Your feelings and needs are SO valid, and I don’t want you to feel like you ever need to suppress them. Lots of love and luck and remember you’re no.1. Hugs
Danielle
Hello love! Thank you so much for writing in and sorry to hear you’re having a complicated time with your boyfriend. I think firstly it’s worth acknowledging that your relationship probably moved pretty quickly (they so often to at Uni) due to COVID and spending so much time together one on one. It’s a hyper-focused situation a bit like a holiday romance where you have not had to deal with much outside pressure and now you’ve come across something you perhaps disagree on and you’ve realised this person might not be completely as you thought they were. It’s super easy to get along with someone and stay happy when you don’t have to face anything together, the hard part comes when you have to tackle something together that isn’t easy, in this case, this would be your mental health and anxiety at Uni. Which I should say is completely valid and I know from personal experience how out of hand it can get. If you want a partner that you can go to and talk to about this kind of thing (as appose to family or friends) you’ll need someone who is emotionally intelligent and is sensitive enough to listen to your worries if you need to vent and help you problem-solve if you want to change something. Making a massive assumption that you guys are standard Uni age, it’s not super common that men this age are equipped to deal with what you need them to, so it may mean that your partner needs a little coaching through, making sure he knows how important it is for him to be there for you and how you like to be heard when you’re going through something. Communication is always key! If I’m going to play any kind of devil’s advocate I would say it’s also important to ask permission before you unload on someone else, men are significantly more likely than women to suffer in silence and we are after all, still in the midst of a global pandemic. Perhaps his mental health has not been so great recently and going out for some fresh air with a friend is something he really needed at that moment? Something to think about, I obviously have very little information so take that with a grain of salt! Keep communicating and telling your partner what you need, if you still get the feeling he’s not going to be there for you and your mental health it might be time to call it a day or make a more casual arrangement with him. There’s a saying that goes – when people show you who they are believe them so if your gut continues to tell you something is off make sure you end things so you don’t waste more of your time and energy. And for what it’s worth you will get through this stressful time of life, I found post-uni life working full time much easier than education, clearer skies are coming <3
Holly
Hello lovely person,
I really feel for you. Working out your sexuality is hard in any situation, let alone when you’re in a a relationship.
I think the main thing is to not put too much pressure on yourself. Theres so much emphasis on labels, but it sounds like you’re not sure how you feel at the moment. Don’t feel like you have to label yourself at this point, or ever. You can just like who you like.
I like how open minded you are, in admitting that you’re just curious to see what it might be like. It sounds like you need to have an open and honest chat with your current partner. Discuss how you’re feeling and come to a decision together. It might be that you can go on a break while you figure out how you feel. It might be that you go back to him, or find that
Break ups/breaks will always be hard. Theres no way round it. And theres literally no easy way to break the news to him, but if you’ve been feeling like this for a while, I’d be surprised if he didn’t know something was up. You aren’t responsible for his happiness, only for your own. And you’ll feel so much better what you have the conversation. Just make it very clear how you’re feeling, that you’re not sure if you want to be with him. Not that you don’t.
Go at your own pace, and please let us know how it goes!
Sending you lots of love,
Holly
Darcey
Hello anon, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all of this, my heart breaks for you as how you have been treated is so unfair. I must admit, it all sounds pretty shady, doesn’t it. Hiding his messages, not telling you who he’s speaking to and coming up with all these random elaborate stories (how many family emergencies can one person have?!). I do agree with you though, all the aspects do add up to him potentially cheating. I find him being in a new relationship 6 weeks later, with someone who lives on the street he was at the night before he broke up with you veryyyyy suspicious. So, no I do not think you are being unreasonable at all for thinking this. I think anyone in the same situation as you would feel the same.
I spoke to a guy for a while a few years back, we were never official, but it seemed as if it could go that way, till one day he stopped replying to my messages (full-on ghost mode). It was only when I checked his Facebook, we weren’t friends on there, I saw his picture was him with his ex, who was now no longer the ex! That feeling of being blindsided and not knowing why they did this is so, so hard and I wish I could give you a big hug. The problem in these situations, is you don’t usually get an explanation, mainly because anyone who would treat another person like that is so incredibly childish and selfish, they don’t think they owe anyone an explanation.
As difficult as it is, this might be a situation you don’t find closure from your ex. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have closure. Take back control in your own life, find a way to forgive them and let go. Even if you do find out what happened a week before you split up, I can assure you it won’t make you feel any better, it might even make you feel worse. Having this information won’t change what has happened, that’s why it’s sometimes better to just let go. This won’t happen overnight, but I promise as the days pass, you’ll care less and less. You deserve so much better than that and you deserve true happiness with the right person. One quote that always helps me in difficult situations is – “you can’t control the things that happen to you, but you can control the way you react to them”. Wishing you all the best in the future, Darcey X
Lareese
Hello lovely!
Trying to complete your final year at uni in the middle of a pandemic must be seriously tough. There’s been a lot of disruption with seminars moving online and you’ve been robbed of all that face-to-face support you’d usually benefit from with tutors and friends, so I’d be worried if you weren’t feeling stressed and anxious to be honest. You’re only human, and this year has been A LOT so don’t write yourself off as the ‘not cut out for uni’ type – no one was cut out for what we’ve all just gone through. Add studying and trying to pass exams into the mix and you’ve got the recipe for emotional burnout.
Be kind to yourself – nothing about your final year has been normal so of course, you’re going to be struggling. Your friends are in the same boat and you should absolutely lean on them for support if they’re mentally available for that. If you’re worried they don’t have the capacity for it (you’re a good friend), you can always approach it sensitively and just ask if they mind having a chat. Explain that you’re struggling and see where they’re at, too. It might actually be a relief for all of you to hear that you’re feeling the same way. Likewise, if they aren’t in the right mindset to listen due to their own mental health, you don’t have to suffer in silence. Is there a tutor you can speak to or a university therapist, perhaps? Don’t be ashamed to reach out for support. We all react and cope differently to change and stress, and it sounds like you’ve still done your absolute best to keep going. That’s huge!
This is the final push and there is no feeling quite like that final day at uni with a free summer ahead of you. Make looking after yourself a priority, whether that be having a bath, going on a long walk or seeing your pals and get planning a few things that get you excited for your future. You didn’t come this far for nothing and you certainly didn’t get here without some kickass determination. I believe in you, even if you don’t.
Lareese Xx
Darcey
Hi lovely! Firstly, feeling stressed and struggling to juggle everything in final year is absolutely not an overreaction, final year can be so stressful, and it is super full on. Especially with Covid added to the scenario, you are a real trooper and I am so proud of every university student who’s had to do their degree in a pandemic. Also, look how far you have come! You are at the final push and trust me once you get that degree, all the tears, late nights and stress will be worth it.
You are absolutely cut out for university; I think you are experiencing a bit of imposter syndrome but think about why you did that degree and where you want that to take you. Keep the next stage of life in mind, whether that be getting a graduate role, masters, a year off, keep all the fun that is to come in mind!
I’m sorry you are experiencing some difficulty in your family life, but your friends will absolutely not see you as a burden and speaking to them might be beneficial for you all to let off some steam. Sometimes just knowing you aren’t alone in a situation makes you feel so much better.
I’m assuming your university term will end in a few months and then you will be free and able to enjoy a fairly normal summer! Try and organise some fun stuff for once university is over with all your pals as something to look forward to, having plans always helps.
You have 100% got this and I have so much faith in you! All the best, Darcey X
Charlotte
Okay, the short answer here would be no, you’re definitely not with the right one. I don’t think it’s the case that you should never doubt a relationship because I think it’s only natural when committing to someone to think about the ‘what ifs’ and your life trajectory, but the feelings you’ve described and the doubts you have are not the foundations of a strong relationship. It’s great that he’s been so supportive and reliable in your mental and physical health ups and downs because that really is so important, but don’t let that cloud your judgement or skew your other feelings or concerns, because really him caring and supporting you is the bare minimum you can expect from a long term partner.
Secondly, I don’t know if you’re familiar with the term ‘the ick‘ but from what you’ve described it sounds a little* bit like what you’re experiencing in terms of the physical touch and intimacy side of things. It depends how important sex is for you, because if you’re happy just not partaking in this so often then maybe it’s just an adjustment in your sex drive, but if you actively feel uncomfortable (being the key word you used here) then I really, really don’t think that’s something to be pushed aside. You should feel 100% relaxed and comfortable with a partner, and the fact this feeling comes up even with him touching you in both sexual and non sexual ways is not a great sign in my book. Maybe your heart are confused about your feelings towards him as it sounds like he has a lot of great points, but it sounds like your head is giving you very clear signals that you do not want to be around him or close to him any more than necessary. You mentioned at the start of the dilemma that you trust him completely, but then said you don’t fully trust him because of his unfaithfulness before, and I think again this just shows that maybe you want and have a desire to feel a certain way, but it just doesn’t translate with his actions or the reality of the relationship.
Comparison wise I really wouldn’t worry about not comparing to the greats of films or social media as so much of that is either works of fiction or you’re not getting the full story, but I think in some way you should feel a little sense of magic around him, which is maybe what you’re referring to in terms of movies. Social media is really not what it seems most of the time- I’ve definitely posted photos from weekends away with my ex after big arguments or cried before having a photo taken- it’s just not always reality so don’t forget that. I think it will take you a while to come to a conclusion or decision with this as he’s been such a big part of your life for many years, but all I can say is don’t disregard your feelings or concerns because they mean something, I promise. xxx
Heya! Thanks so much for writing in, I think the bones of what you are asking are so common in relationships around the 5-year mark and a lot of our audience may have asked themselves the same thing. I’m sure you know this but you really can’t compare your relationship to others on social media and movies, it’s just not healthy and those relationships are not real, they’re simply a combination of the best bits with the rest filled in by your imagination. But I’m guessing you do this because you think something is missing in your own, it’s tough when you know you’ve got a great boyfriend but you can’t fully let yourself be happy, it’s like you know deep down you’ve settled for a good relationship whilst thinking you could be in a great one. Your partner sounds amazing bar the obvious things you’ve mentioned, not much sex in the last year – maybe you guys don’t have a high sex drive, maybe you’ve been turning down his advances because you’re no longer romantically attracted to him? You also kind of threw in the previous cheating at the end, are you definitely over that? Could going off him be some kind of self-preservation so you don’t get hurt again? It’s important to analyse your feelings as best you can, maybe talk to a therapist, therapy can be something short term to focus on a specific area of your life, you don’t have to be divulging your childhood and going every week for eternity ha! I think something else you’re considering is how much he helps with your CFS and mental health, it’s so easy to become reliant on your partner and it’s hard to think about leaving them and all the good they provide you behind. The grass isn’t always greener when it comes to leaving relationships behind, but sometimes it is… and the fact you still have so much respect and admiration for your partner means it’ll always be harder for you to let them go for this big romantic love that might be out there. I’ll also say you’ve lived together for what could possibly be seen as the hardest and most boring year of life in the last few decades. You haven’t been able to go anywhere and enrich your life with food, travel, fun, the list goes on. It’s easy to start over analysing your life and wanting more, wanting some kind of progress and wanting to feel intense happiness you see on social media and movies. Try not to think about finding “the one” (there isn’t one, there are hundreds of people out there for you!) but making sure you’re happy with someone in the moment. If your happiness to continues to wain move on, don’t focus on finding this one true love, it’s an unrealistic thing to find and we’ll always leave you disappointed.
