One third of all internet traffic is porn. We’ll pause for a moment whilst that sinks in. Porn is everywhere online- it’s unavoidable and the ease with which anyone can access explicit content makes for a worrying reality in how normalised these unrealistic representations of sex are for many.

For the most part, pornography is designed to appeal to men, meaning the pleasure, consent and respect of the women featured in this content is secondary to the enjoyment of the men creating, partaking and viewing it. Pornography can be dehumanising to those involved when the name of the game is mass-producing content for free on sites such as PornHub, and regularly means those involved are not fairly paid or compensated for their work. Mainstream porn typically shows an inaccurate version of consensual, joyful sex, so it’s really no surprise if you’ve been dissatisfied with mainstream porn up until this point- it is rarely designed with women in mind.

But all is not lost ladies and gents, alone time with your favourite toy or a joint sexy sesh with your S/O can in fact be spiced up to the max with some consensual content that benefits you and those involved. Let us introduce: ethical porn.

What is ethical porn?

Ethical porn is adult content produced with the performer’s welfare as the top priority, ensuring they are paid, consenting and comfortable at each step of the filming and production process. Ethical porn seeks to provide a more realistic and accurate representation of sex, involving those of varying body types, sexualities, disabilities and most importantly prioritises pleasure for all of those involved.

Ethical porn is sometimes also known as ‘feminist porn’, which is another defining characteristic setting it apart from mainstream pornography which is oftentimes rooted in misogyny, violence and disrespecting women and their bodies. Mainstream porn is created with the male gaze at the fore and usually has one main aim, whereas feminist porn looks to create art that also satisfies women’s desires too – what’s not to like?!

Ethical porn can normally be distinguished from mainstream porn because it is typically not available for free – one of the ways it ensures that filmmakers and actors are paid fairly for their time and skills. It is typically hosted on independent websites that can be accessed by paying a subscription or one-off video fee and ensures a safe environment for performers in this industry. Creating high quality, responsibly made, cinematic pornography comes at a cost, and the never ending availability of free porn has wrongly made not paying for this content the norm.

As engaging with ethically made porn becomes more of a priority for viewers, “smaller indie studios have implemented stricter regulations around standardized, fair pay for actors, STI testing, and collaborations over scripts and scenes that take the actors’ boundaries into account” (Men’s Health), meaning you can sit back, relax and enjoy guilt free viewing, knowing everyone involved is having as much fun as you.

Where to watch ethical porn?

Piqued your interest? Heart rate increased? Look no further for a reliable watch list of destinations you can rely on for your feminist porn fix …

PinkLabelTV

Inspired by the pornography she watched at adult film festivals, Shine Louise Houston started PinkLabelTV in 2013 as a one-stop-shop for content that showcases, “the types of bodies and desires that aren’t often depicted on conventional adult websites.” Genres include classic and vintage adult films, sex education, documentary, and collections of award-winning films selected at adult film festivals around the globe.
Sales directly support the filmmakers on the platform, encouraging a sustainable #payforyourporn model where artists can continue expanding their craft and you know those involved are safe and consensual. Users can rent films on an individual basis or subscribe as a member to enjoy unlimited access to all the films and special livestream events.

Watch at: www.pinklabel.tv

Bellesa

“We unwaveringly believe that if we can change the kind of sex that people are watching, we can change a whole lot more.”
Bellesa’s tagline reads “empowering women to explore, embrace and celebrate their sexuality- unapologetically” and we are truly obsessed from the outset! All Bellesa films are fantasies by women, written by women, directed by women, produced by women and on set there is one golden rule: No. Fake. Orgasms. The goal of the scene is always to capture authentic, raw pleasure, and this is what really sets the platform apart from mainstream pornography typically designed for men. The site features some free content but Bellesa+, dubbed the ‘Netflix of porn’ is the most impressive part of the platform, with 4K streaming of the best premium content in porn available at a range of subscription levels to suit your budget. With interactive sex ed, private Facebook groups and chats to encourage members to explore their sexuality, the site is empowering at its very core.

Watch at: www.bellesa.co

Dipsea

The home of sexy audio stories, wellness sessions, and sleep scenes, Dipsea is a female-founded startup and story studio that produces relatable, feminist content that celebrates, “healthy boundary setting and enthusiastic consent”. Founded by friends Gina and Faye, they set out on a mission to create an accessible platform that allowed women, “to tap into their sexuality more easily, and on their terms.”
Subscribers can access 400+ stories with regular new releases, hot and heavy content with diverse themes, soothing bedtime stories & wellness sessions and the option to cancel at any time. We’re obsessed!

Learn more at: www.dipseastories.com

Afterglow

Afterglow’s “pleasure universe” is a new women-led erotica site that produces cinematic adult films that highlight consent, celebrate genuine pleasure, validate personal boundaries and embrace diversity of body size, race, sexuality, age and ability. Their blog is also a hub of sex education content, covering everything from orgasm anxiety, succeeding in non-monogamous relationships and everything you need to know about threesomes. Subscribe and pay monthly or annually, or try a 7-day free trial to see what it’s all about…

Learn more at: www.xoafterglow.com

Lust Cinema

And finally, the creme de la creme of ethical porn and beautifully created adult erotica, “Lust Cinema aims to challenge the porn industry standards by promoting the cinematic possibilities of the medium, high-quality storytelling and a realistic representation of human sexuality and sex.” Available for 1, 3 or 18 month subscription plans, you need look no further for binge-worthy adult series and feature films that prioritise pleasure.
Created by award-winning adult film-maker Erika Lust who broke onto the adult cinema scene in 2004, Lust has since founded four online cinemas: XConfessions, Lust Cinema, Else Cinema and The Store by Erika Lust that celebrate the highest quality adult content. Her TEDX talk ‘It’s Time for Porn to Change’ in 2017 has been viewed over 1 million times, and in 2019 she was named as one of the BBC’s 100 Most Influential Women of the Year.

Watch more at: www.lustcinema.com

We caught up with Erika to learn more about creating ethical porn and working in this trailblazing new subsection of a typically male dominated industry…

When was Erika Lust Films founded and what was the driving force for doing so? 

Right after moving to Barcelona from Sweden back in 2000, I started working in a well-known advertisement company making quick steps forward – from runner to producer – and soon I realised that I loved the atmosphere of a film set. At some point, I felt the need to do my own thing, and what I wanted to do was shoot an explicit film!

What is the most challenging part about creating ethical porn? What is the best/most rewarding part about creating ethical porn? 

When you present yourself as an adult production company that puts ethics in the film production process and everything they do, you’re taking a huge responsibility towards the public. This may lead to people holding your work to a standard of “perfection” that doesn’t tolerate even the smallest mistake you may make. On the other hand, the most rewarding part is seeing a growing community of people out there who appreciates our work and supports me and my team to keep on doing it as best as we can. We recently ran a survey through our users and I’m so happy to see that more than 50% of them chose to buy a subscription to XConfessions, Lust Cinema, or Else Cinema, or buy single movies or film compilations at The Store by Erika Lust exactly because of the ethics under which our films are made.

How do viewers know if the porn they are watching is ethical?

Last but not least, is the porn you watch available behind a paywall? It costs money to make a film and to ensure good working conditions for everyone who is involved in making it happen. It costs money to fairly pay performers, crew, post-production and the director; legal contracts that protect all of their rights as workers, lunch for the day, comfortable accommodations if required. 

What do you think is the most pressing issue in the world of pornography production that viewers should be more aware of? e.g. payment, age of actors. consent, representation etc 

I think that consumers should be more aware of the importance of paying for porn. By paying for your porn, you’re helping adult production companies to make films where sex work is done in a safe environment; meaning that performers and their needs and boundaries are taken care of, that the sex they have is consensual. When you pay for your porn, you’re paying a scriptwriter that creates an original, realistic plot where communication and diversity are put at the forefront. You’re paying a production team that ensures that performers are 18+, are enthusiastic about being part of an adult movie, and do not feel obliged to do anything they don’t want to do. You’re paying a Talent Manager or an Intimacy Coordinator that supports them throughout the shoot. Most of all, you’re paying the performers and the whole crew that works to create a film with good cinematography and art direction, lighting, styling, makeup, new locations, and the whole post-production process. All of this is essential to create good quality adult content, both aesthetically and in terms of content.

In recent years we have all become more conscious of what we consume, and ethical and sustainable businesses have really boomed. I hope that this trend also translates to peoples’ attitudes towards pornography and that people begin to think more about the consequences of not paying for pornography and relying on tube sites. At the moment films are often made on a very low budget by companies who need to churn out as many films as possible in order to compete and be profitable; this leads to a very poor representation of sex and sexuality on screen. It is only once people start paying for pornography this will begin to change as more money, more evenly distributed within the industry will provide space for innovative new directors and allow production companies to focus on quality rather than simply having an economy of scale. 

Do you think that the endless amounts of free pornography online make for an inherently problematic industry?

Do you think we will ever live in a world in which ethical and consensual pornography is the norm when free content can be consumed so mindlessly?  

As said above, the future of pornography depends on whether or not there is a shift away from simply using these tube sites and start backing more varied companies by paying for their content. Users need to be made aware of the ethical implications of watching pirated material. Watching free porn is like going to the supermarket and going out without paying for the groceries.

When you pay for your porn, you are giving it value. You are supporting the people who do it and you are sending the message that you want to watch porn that is made safely, with quality and diversity. As in many other fields, consumers are ultimately a part of the industry; the future of porn depends on the people who watch it.

People are not educated to pay for porn also because our society still sees sex workers as less than human. Sex workers are people like anyone else who do a job that should have the same legal rights as any other job. We need to change for the better our perception of sex workers and their lives. We need to normalise sex work as real work and put an end to stigma, criminalisation, and dehumanisation.

Do you think we’re seeing a cultural shift in attitudes towards porn becoming less taboo as sites such as Only Fans become more popular and mainstream?

Despite the sex-negative culture we still live in, I see that porn is gradually becoming less of a taboo in society. And yes, I think that sites like OnlyFans, Manyvids, etc. are helping to normalise the consumption of paid ethical porn. They do it by putting the power and the money directly in the hands of adult creators and performers, who can create their own content in the safety of their homes and with people they want to work with. 

Pornography is historically rooted in exploitation and misogyny- can ethical porn seek to change that or do the origins of porn make it difficult to escape those issues even now? 

Ethically made porn exists exactly to change that. Porn as a medium can be used in a positive or negative way as everything else. It is absolutely possible to create porn that is not rooted in exploitation and misogyny by simply changing the narratives and making a positive shift in the production process.

What is one misconception about creating porn you would like to debunk?

Many people conflate sex work with sex trafficking and perpetuate the stereotype that sex workers are victims or are driven to a demeaning lifestyle by a damaged history. Sex trafficking is easily confused with all types of sex work. There is the assumption that porn and sex work are always particularly exploitative for women, which just isn’t true. So many female performers are empowered and elevated by what they do! 

First off, how are you and how is your 2021 going?

Hello! I’m feeling pretty good today – the sun is shining after a dreary few days and I think I’m going for a sea swim at lunchtime, which always makes me very happy. 2021 is a right rollercoaster, isn’t it? I’m struggling a *bit* to keep up with all the social events post-lockdown, but I’m thankful to be feeling somewhat normal again!

Can you tell us about your journey online and how @ASpoonfulOfAlice came to be?

Of course! I started blogging back in 2015 – but, believe it or not, I actually blogged about weight loss and my ‘Slimming World journey’. Unfortunately I ended up becoming obsessed with dieting and developed some pretty disordered eating patterns – and no matter how much weight I lost, I didn’t feel any better about myself.

In 2017, I discovered the world of body confidence and the anti-diet movement – and my whole life completely changed. I realised that slim doesn’t necessarily equal healthy and that that beauty exists in all shapes and sizes, and my body acceptance journey began. These days, I use my platform to empower others to ditch diet culture, learn to trust their bodies again and feel wonderful just as they are.

What can people expect from your presence online?

I’m all about spreading my message in a fun and accessible way – so expect to see me dancing around in my underwear to early 00s bangers, writing thoughtful captions about my journey and sharing photos of my imperfectly perfect body for the world to see!

Alongside diet culture, body confidence and self love, I also speak openly about mental health, menstrual wellness (specifically my experiences living with PCOS and PMDD), sex education and a whole host of other topics. I share snapshots of Brighton life with my girlfriend and cats, and I’m always up for a chat on my stories!

We absolutely love your message, what is one thing you wish everyone knew about diet culture?

Thank you so much! Blimey, where do I even start? Most of all, I wish society understood that the link between weight and health is wayyyyyy less clear than we have been led to think. It is possible to be both fat and healthy – just as it is possible to be slim and unhealthy. In this country, we still use the BMI scale as a key measure of health – when the person who created it (who was a mathematician, not a doctor!) said himself that it isn’t fit for that purpose. The scale was created in the 1800s and was based on the bodies of cisgendered white men – so if that’s not you, it’s even less helpful!

What opinions would you love to see change in the mainstream media over the next few years?

Again, I could literally spend hours talking about all the things I’d love to change – but I think I’d have to say the notion that there is one ‘beauty ideal’, and everyone else is somehow wrong. Sure, there might be a few plus-sized people in the odd magazine these days, but when you consider that the average UK woman is a size 16, it’s crackers that this is still very much a rarity. I want to see clothes modelled on bodies of all shapes and sizes and fat people being represented without an accompanying weight loss story. Believe it or not, plenty of people are happy being plus-sized, but that narrative is hardly ever portrayed – I’d love to see a change there!

Can you tell us 3 tips to feel more body confident?

1. Aim for body acceptance first – body confidence can feel very out-of-reach if you’re struggling with low self worth, so I always recommend striving to accept your body first. Learn to treat it with respect and remind yourself that what you look like is the least important thing about you.
2. Fake it ‘til you make it – always wanted to wear a crop top, but just don’t have the confidence? WEAR THE CROP TOP ANYWAY. Yes, it will be scary at first. Yes, you might second guess yourself a million times before stepping out the door. But before long, you’ll realise that nobody is giving you a second thought – apart from thinking how confident you look, and wishing they could wear a crop top too!
3. Diversify your feed – if you’re only seeing ‘perfect’ Instagram models with one (unattainable) body type, it’s bound to have an effect on the way you see yourself. Instead, fill your feed with bodies of all shapes and sizes – bodies of queer people, plus-sized people, disabled people, black people, asian people… as many people as possible, basically! The more diverse your feed, the more diverse your idea of beauty will become – and one day, you might just see that *you* are beautiful too.

As a fellow Brighton dweller, can you share your top places to go in the city?

I actually get asked this question so many times that I keep a note in my phone where I list my favourite places. It’s organised into categories and everything! Here are a few of my faves:

• Pompoko – cheap, cheerful and delicious Japanese food
• Baby Bao @ The Pond – THE most amazing Taiwanese bao buns
• Bison Beach Bar – cocktails, fresh pizza and bbq dishes on the beach
• The Open Market – stalls selling local produce and crafts, friendly cafes and relaxed restaurants
• Tropical Sushi – the best sushi I’ve had in a VERY long time (and I’ve had a lot!)
• Brighton Rocks – a tucked-away cocktail bar with lots of board games and a great happy hour
• Trading Post Coffee Roasters – my spot-of-the-moment for brunch!
• La Mucca Nera – authentic italian ice cream, wine and coffee
• Marmalade Store – pick up a posh picnic before heading to the beach
• Brighton Flea Market – my favourite place for a Sunday morning mooch

What are you currently working on?

In terms of my Instagram, I’m working on a new reels series called ‘Facing my fat girl fears’ where I film myself doing things I’ve always been scared to do due to my size.

Otherwise, I’m working on myself! I went to therapy this year which was very eye-opening – it turns out I’m codependent and a biiiig people pleaser, so I’m learning to set healthy boundaries instead!

Who are some of your current favourite follows?

I follow so many wonderful humans who have taught me so many things, but at the moment I’m loving:

• @ScarredNotScared – because she is the queen of boundaries and I want to be more like her
• @make_love_not_diets – because she is HILARIOUS and always finds fun ways to help me dismantle diet culture
• @meganjaynecrabbe – because she is the reason I started this journey in the first place
• @simplepolitics – because the media has been so confusing this year, and they provide a lot of clarity
• @hunsnet – because everything they post just cracks me up

What does your perfect weekend look like?

I’d head out for brunch with my friends on Saturday morning, followed by a wander round the Lanes or a trip to the beach for a sea swim (the weather would be glorious, obviously!). In the evening, I’d cook a new recipe and it would work out PERFECTLY – then we’d watch Titanic, cry cathartically and go to bed by 9.30. I’d wake up on Sunday perfectly refreshed, and I’d spend the morning drinking coffee and reading in bed with my girlfriend (and the cats, if we’re being honest…). We’d make brunch together, then I’d spend the day filming AMAZING content for Instagram and doing little ‘self-care Sunday’ things like painting my nails and tidying up the mess I seem to inexplicably create throughout the week. We’d order takeaway in the evening and get so lost in conversation that we forget to watch telly! Bliss.

What do you always carry with you?

Tinted lip balm, headphones and an array of emergency snacks.

What would your last ever meal be?

I’d have to travel up to Newcastle (where I’m originally from) and head to Nudo Noodle House. They do this amaaaazing king prawn tom yum ramen, so I’d have that along with ALLLLL the sides (think gyoza, fresh sushi, salt and pepper squid etc). For dessert, I’d go to Olive Grove in Brighton – I once had the most incredible whipped greek yoghurt mousse with chopped nuts and honey there, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since!

What is one positive piece of advice you could give to our audience?

That being selfish is actually a selfless act. Hear me out – if you’re constantly giving all your time and energy to other people, then you won’t have enough left for yourself. At some point, someone else is going to have to ‘save’ you, and that will be a drain on THEIR energy. If we were all just a little bit more selfish and put ourselves first before helping others, it would genuinely benefit everyone!

I learnt that from Michelle Elman (@ScarredNotScared) and it absolutely blew me away.

Shaggy hairdos, roller skating in flared jeans, Fleetwood Mac and knitted hot pants- yep, you’ve landed in the ’70s, and the obsession with all things retro is here to stay this summer…

TikTok and Instagram are abuzz with all things 1970s and honestly, we’re not mad about it. Crochet is one such trend, and if you’re planning to channel Woodstock vibes then it should absolutely be on your shopping list this season. One of the best parts about rocking crochet is the versatility of the trend and how many items it spans, whether it be full-on holey dreaminess in the shape of a co-ord, maxi dress or skirt, to smaller nods to the trend as bucket hats or beach bags, there are big and small ways you can get in on the hype whilst still making it wearable for you.

House of Sunny’s iconic Hockney Dress sparked a love for all things knitted everything during 2020 and crochet is the next fun and fabulous extension of that, guaranteeing you a cute AF Insta pic and some “she looks great!” glances in the street.

Zoe

This is definitely my favourite fashion trend this summer! I need stopping at this point as I just want to fill my entire wardrobe with crochet knit items. Especially good for pregnancy as it’s pretty stretchy and very airy on those hot days! haha! Zara has some particularly lovely pieces.

Zara, EMBROIDERED CROCHET TOP, £17.99 

Zara, EMBROIDERED CROCHET SKIRT, £19.99 

Zara, PATCHWORK KNIT JUMPSUIT, £29.99 

*ASOS, ASOS DESIGN jumper in rib with crochet collar detail in oatmeal, £28 

Charlotte

I’m not sure I love the very extra Coachella vibe crochet (probably just because I’m salty I’m not at a festival this year) but I’m all over a subtle nod to the trend! This dress from Zara is so chic and sexy and would look so gorgeous on holiday with a tan *cries. I’ve paired it with some Shrek worthy accessories to add a little somethin’ somethin’ and I honestly love it!

Zara, CROCHET DRESS WITH BEADING, £89.99 

*Azurina, Trento’ Olive Leather Crossbody Bag, £90 

*Missoma, Baroque Pearl Single Ovate Earring, £98 

Age of Innocence, ELISA GREEN, £68 

Danielle

I’ve always loved a bit of crochet in the summer for those boho beach vibes but it’s definitely having a bit more of a moment this year! I always think if you’re just wanting to dip a toe into a trend it’s best to start with accessories, so I’ve picked this pastel blue floral bucket hat and tote. You could probably pop these on with most summer outfits but I’ve gone for fresh white dress and pastel strap sandals.

*ASOS, ASOS DESIGN crochet bucket hat with daisy embroidery in blue, £14

*ASOS, White Sand cotton lace trim mini dress in cream, £120 

*ASOS, Pimkie multicolour strap flatform sandal in black, £25.99 

*Mango, Floral crochet bag, £19.99 

Lareese

I am living for the crochet comeback – what a cheery summer staple. Zara & Mango have some gorgeous pieces in at the moment and since my summer wardrobe is still in the loft, it would be rude not to add this lot straight to my basket. I’m just being practical if anything. The cornflower blue set would be great for throwing on as a cover-up after a dip in the sea!

*Mango, Oversize crochet sweater, £35.99 

Zara Home, Tied crochet ballet flats, £49.99 

*Mango, Cotton crochet shorts, £29.99 

Zara, CROCHET DAISY TOP, £19.99 

Zara, CROCHET HALTER DRESS, £27.99

*Urban Outfitters, UO Crochet Floral Hat, £26 

Holly

Not sure how I feel about the crochet trend, I like some of it but the majority of it looks like something my nan would wear. Not that there is anything wrong with what my nan wears but not my style… I think the key is to get exciting colours/patterns. So I’ve picked a few items here which I would wear. Likely to some kind of festival or day event.

*ASOS, Missguided crochet bikini bralet top in white, £18 

*ASOS, Missguided knitted crochet dress with tassle detail in cream, £25 

*Urban Outfitters, UO Gigi Cami Top, £26 

*Urban Outfitters, UO Crochet Daisy Tank Top, £44 

*ASOS, ASOS DESIGN crochet halter neck top in yellow, £15 

*ASOS, ASOS DESIGN crochet-knit bucket hat in lavender, £12 

Darcey

I am loving crochet this Summer I just think it looks so cool and it’s also very versatile, perfect for beach days but also would look banging at a bottomless brunch, we love to see it! Crochet always trickles back every Summer too, although it’s really blown up this year, but it’s absolutely something that can be worn for many Summers ahead too.

*ASOS, Weekday Nanna crochet beach shorts in cream stripe co-ord, £20 

*ASOS, Weekday Bay crochet beach tank top in cream stripe co-ord, £18 

*Stradivarius, Crochet dress with border, £27.99 

Zara, STRIPED CROCHET TOP, £17.99 

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Love isn’t cancelled! After a year of uncertainty and heartbreakingly postponed big days, weddings are slowly but surely filling our calendars again and we couldn’t be happier to celebrate with our nearest and dearest this year. Besides wearing white and anything likely to upstage the bride (big no-no), dressing for a wedding is one of the best excuses out there to bag yourself a new outfit and go all out in contrasting your well loved loungewear- RIP joggers, you won’t be missed. 

Whilst it may feel that there are endless choices in the wedding attire department, dress codes and sticking to the well worn tracks of pastels, florals, silk and tailoring mean you can’t stray far wrong in dressing appropriately for the big day in question. If you have multiple celebrations to attend this summer, consider renting a ‘fit that you otherwise might not be able to justify purchasing outright (FYI you can check out our previous post for the details) or opt for a two piece suit that you can mix and match in the future. Attending a wedding might leave you feeling pressured to buy something shiny and new for the occasion, but if the Klarna emails are piling up then consider opting for a cotton dress that can be worn more easily day to day layered with a t-shirt, or a classic slip dress design that will be in style for decades to come. 

Which outfit are you saying I do to this season?

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First off, how are you and how is your 2021 going?

I am good, thank you! I think busy is the best word to describe my state of mind and year so far!

I have three young children so there has been lots of juggling through the changing restrictions this year. Work-wise I’m lucky to have been working on some really fab projects and loads of really fun promotion and products for my soon-to-be-published second book, The Positively Awesome Journal.

Can you tell us about the work you do as an illustrator?

I create bright, positive, colourful designs often with a self-care or mental well-being theme. My illustrations serve as a reminder that we are never alone in our struggles – drawing is a really cathartic process for me and illustrating my thoughts and feelings allows me space to work through my ups and downs.

What steps did you take in your education and career to get you where you are today?

Initially I wanted to be a lingerie designer so after my A Levels I went on to study for an Art Foundation at London College of Fashion… and then I didn’t get a place on the degree course I’d hoped to join and so I took some time out.
While I was working in non-creative jobs (but always finding time for drawing!) I fell in love with the idea of illustration. I enrolled on an Illustration short course at Central St Martins and used the projects to build up my portfolio and then successfully applied to study BA Illustration at Middlesex Uni. It wasn’t the most straightforward route but the journey was invaluable!

What inspired you to start your Instagram account and was it always illustrations?

When I first started using Instagram I was running a much more product-based business, selling greeting cards and prints online and wholesaling to retailers. I used my account to promote my products but also shared a lot of photos of my cats! I already knew a lot of other creative small business owners so it was a brilliant way to stay connected and inspired with the creative community – I’m glad that aspect of IG hasn’t changed for me.

A lot of your infamous IG quotes revolve around mental health, why do you think social media is such a great outlet for this content?

I think the accessibility of social media makes it a great resource for conversations around mental health and wellness. I also think feel-good and thought provoking content can be a great antidote to some of the less inspiring and comparison-inducing posts we see in our feeds.

There’s also something really reassuring about people you are familiar with online discussing topics that can be hard to navigate in real life – so it’s a great way to normalise and de-stigmatise mental health. It makes me so happy that the posts I share are able to offer people validation and comfort.

What has been your biggest ‘pinch me’ moment during your career?

I think the first time I held my books – and then seeing them in actual bookshops  – was so surreal. Such dream come true moments!

Can you tell us about your book “You are Positively Awesome” and the journal that sits alongside it?

 Of course!

My first book You Are Positively Awesome published in July 2020, at the height of the pandemic – that was a steep learning curve!
The book is very much an extension of my Instagram posts; I wanted it to be as bright and colourful as my feed but with prompts and reminders that make it a really useful self-care resource that you can keep going back to through all of life’s ups and downs. It has chapters covering everything from self-love to saying ‘no’, imposter syndrome and the importance of kindness.

My next book, The Positively Awesome Journal, is publishing in a few weeks (July 8th 2021). It is just as bold and rainbow-filled but is super interactive and full of activities, inspiration and self-care prompts. It’s a book that will help you work through your own experiences and support your well-being – it has lots of space for writing, drawing and reflection so you can really make it your own.

What are you currently working on?

I’ve been working on some fun freelance projects, including a collaboration with Great Ormond Street Hospital Arts that I’m super excited about. And then the plan is to finalise some ideas for my next book(s)!

Who are some of your current favourite follows?

@simplepolitics have been my go-to for making sense of the news this year

@nina_tame is fun, stylish and shares so many informative posts

@munyachawawa – his reels are genius (and hilarious)

@mollyjforbes her body-positive anti-diet culture messages are always spot on

What does your perfect weekend look like?

In a dream world, it’d involve lie-ins, brunch and a market or exhibition.

In reality, I have three children (my eldest is only 6) so a weekend that includes pancakes, a trip to the park, an afternoon film and plenty of hot coffee would be fab!

What do you always carry with you?

My phone and a Diet Pepsi – I’m probably a little bit more addicted to both than I’d care to admit.

What would your last ever meal be?

I am so indecisive when it comes to choosing what to eat! It’d probably have to be Macaroni Cheese or my mum’s roast dinner, followed by lots of mini desserts – I’ve got a really sweet tooth.

What is one positive piece of advice you could give to our audience?

Make time to prioritise your mental health. Nothing is more important that your well-being.

Picture this. Your out of office is on (aggressively on. You may as well have written please hesitate to reach out to me), you’ve got a few days off and the forecast is a full house of fat yellow suns, so you decide to take yourself off down the beach to read your book. Instant mental health boner, right?

The gentle lapping of the waves, the sand in between your toes, the vitamin D, the uninterrupted sunshine and plot twists, the obligatory Calippo vs Magnum vs overpriced Mr Whippy conundrum. Gah, there is no escapism so pure, so ingeniously simple as unfurling a new buzzy book whilst lounging by the seaside like a sun-kissed siren on the rocks.

From new publications to perennial feel-good fiction, these beach-side companions will punctuate your ocean dips and sunbathing sessions rather nicely.

The Summer Job – Lizzy Dent

Want to escape real life for a while? Run away with Birdy Finch, a messy heroine who blagged her best friend’s identity to land her dream job. A hot new voice in contemporary fiction, Lizzy Dent’s heartwarming debut will have you honking with laughter. Fans of Fleabag, Bridget Jones and Bridesmaids will gobble up this highland (mis)adventure in no time at all. Purchase through Bookshop.org here.

Ruthless Women – Melanie Blake

Glitz, glamour, drama, humour and suspense, Melanie Blake’s Ruthless Women has it all in spades. Hailed the hottest book of 2021, it’s sure to be the addictive page-turner you need in your life after a long and horny lockdown. If you like your beach reads on the raunchy side, dive headfirst into this bonkbuster. Purchase through Bookshop.org here.

You Have A Match – Emma Lord

A modern take on the Parent Trap trope, You Have A Match follows the story of Abby Day, who discovers she has a secret Instagram influencer sister. The pair hatch a plan to meet up at a summer camp to get to know each other and unravel this big juicy family secret. If you’re hankering for some feel-good fiction, this coming-of-age story will make for the perfect deckchair sidekick. Purchase here.

The Road Trip – Beth O’Leary

From the queen of beach bag reads herself, Beth O’Leary’s latest novel is the bookish summer staple you can’t miss. With echoes of Normal People, you’ll have no problem inhaling it in one sunny sitting. Just make sure you’ve secured a spot close to the sea to cool off after the sexy south of France scenes dabs forehead. Purchase through Bookshop.org here.

Open Water – Caleb Azumah Nelson

A tender and ambitious debut novel about the relationship between two young black artists. At once an intimate love song to black artistry and a powerful exploration of race, masculinity, loss and trauma, Open Water is dripping with an elegant rhythm all of its own. If you loved Normal People, you’ll adore this delicately crafted masterpiece about love and all its nuances. Purchase through Bookshop.org here.

Seven Days in June – Tia Williams

If you like your romances on the raw and gritty side, send your heartfelt thanks to Tia Williams. In Seven Days in June, we’re introduced to two writers who reunite at a literary event 15 years after they shared a whirlwind romance, only they’re pretending they don’t know each other. Cue the undeniable sexual tension. Not only is SDIJ sexy as hell, Williams’ writing manages to shift effortlessly between light-hearted interactions and sensitive subject matter with effortless tact. A sappy and predictable romance this is not. Its deliciously witty dialogue, fully realised characters and deft handling of love, race and second-chances will stay with you long after summer. Purchase through Bookshop.org here.

Miss Benson’s Beetle – Rachel Joyce

Margery Benson, a socially awkward forty-something teacher, and Enid Pretty, a yellow-haired bombshell in a hot pink suit, form an unlikely duo in this intoxicating tale of female friendship, rebellion and self-discovery. The two women leave 1950s Britain on an expedition to New Caledonia to find the elusive golden beetle Margery’s father taught her about in her childhood. Enid Pretty is everything Margery hates and the last person she’d want assisting her on this once-in-a-lifetime adventure but as the two share the setbacks and successes of this hilarious jaunt, it turns out they make quite the team. Purchase through Bookshop.org here.

The House on Fripp Island – Rebecca Kauffman

Slap on a fresh layer of SPF and have your cocktail of choice within reach because once you start reading this, you’re not moving until you finish it. For 336 glorious pages, Kauffman treats us to a family saga of epic proportions. This is the ultimate tell-a-friend book you’ll be waxing lyrical about all summer long. Purchase through Bookshop.org here.

Malibu Rising – Taylor Jenkins Reid

From the best-selling author of Daisy Jones & The Six and The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo comes Malibu Rising – a juicy riptide of a book about four famous siblings and their epic annual end of summer house party. What could possibly go wrong? By midnight the party will descend into drug-fuelled chaos, by morning, the family mansion will be engulfed in flames. A fast-paced, unputdownable family drama, destined to be read with a beachy backdrop. Purchase through Bookshop.org here.

Beach Read – Emily Henry

One look at the cover and you’d have every reason to believe this is a fun and flirty summer read with absolutely zero chance of making you weep into your Mr Whippy. Is there another name for that? Yes: wildly led astray in the best possible way and texting your friends at 1am with a message that simply reads: “I will never read again. F*cking sobbing”, just about covers it. It’s not A Little Life howling bad but it’s raw and it’s honest and the lump in your throat will have to come out somehow.

Two authors, who also happen to be frenemies and beach house neighbours, are struggling with writer’s block. January is a happy-ever-after romance author, Gus is a serious literary fiction author. So, they decide to take on the challenge of writing their respective genres to see who gets published first which requires hanging out (a lot) and learning to be vulnerable with one another. With whip-smart dialogue, unforgettable main characters and all the tongue-in-cheek hilarity, it has everything the title promises and more. Purchase through Bookshop.org here.

Girl A – Abigail Dean

TW: child abuse, childhood trauma

A gripping psychological thriller and a searing portrait of survival, Girl A is a haunting pitch black novel, punctuated with moments of life-affirming humanity. It tells the story of an eight-year-old girl named Lex, one of eight Gracie siblings, who escaped from her parents’ House of Horrors after years of abuse. When her mother dies in prison, naming Lex as the executor of the will, she must contact her surviving siblings and work out what to do with the house they in which they all suffered. Lex’s resilience in the face of such harrowing devastation will stay with you for a lifetime. Purchase through Bookshop.org here.

Animal – Lisa Taddeo

The debut novel from the author of the bestselling phenomenon Three Women is written with the same signature intensity and truth. The stories that Taddeo couldn’t tell in Three Women find a place here in this cleverly constructed thriller, albeit through a fictive filter. Sure, lend to a friend to discuss in-between mouthfuls of chips and glugs of house white but ask for it back. Purchase through Bookshop.org here.

That Summer – Jennifer Weiner

A novel about the transformative power of female friendship? We’re in there like swimwear. From the boss of beach reads, Jessica Weiner, That Summer is a story about surviving our pasts, confronting our futures and the sustaining bonds of friendship. Purchase through Bookshop.org here.

Threadneedle – Cari Thomas

Anna’s Aunt has always warned her of the dangers of magic. Its twists. Its knots. Its deadly consequences. Now Anna counts down the days to the ceremony that will bind her magic forever. Until she meets Effie and Attis. They open her eyes to a London she never knew existed. A shop that sells memories. A secret library where the librarian feeds off words. A club where revellers lose themselves in a haze of spells. But as she is swept deeper into this world, Anna begins to wonder if her Aunt was right all along. Is her magic a gift … or a curse? Thread Needle is the perfect YA fantasy for anyone hankering for a summer of magic. Purchase through Bookshop.org here.

The Other Black Girl – Zakiya Dalila Harris

Twenty-six-year-old editorial assistant Nella is tired – tired of being the only black employee at Wagner Books, tired of the micro-aggressions and tired of the marginalisation. So, when newcomer Hazel joins the company, Nella is thrilled to have another black woman on the team until she becomes the rising star and undermines her role. Then the menacing notes start appearing on Nella’s desk advising her to leave her job unless she wants bad things to happen…

The twists and turns will blow your mind. Expect the unexpected. Purchase through Bookshop.org here.

New summer trend alert! If you were still feeling a little sceptical about leaving loungewear and the comfort of elasticated waistbands behind, never fear, Terry towelling is here to save the day. Praise be! This comfy yet chic trend is everything you need on a day when you really cba but still want to look somewhat put together, and can be both dressed up and dressed down to suit your every post lockdown need.

From jumpsuits to dresses and shorts to crop tops, Terry toweling is a surprisingly versatile material that thanks to brands like Jaded and Skims have taken over our Insta feeds and bridged the gap between comfort and cool. Whether it’s to throw on after a dip in the sea or with a high pony for bottomless brunch, all things Terry towelling heaven won’t be one you regret adding to basket.

Zoe

Okay, I flipping love this trend! I actually already own a Terry towelling co-ord that I ordered a few years ago so managed to find a great dupe on ASOS! It’s comfortable to wear, not as thick or warm as you might think. Would wear this with chunky trainers, some sunnies and then also found this tote which could be overkill with the outfit, but a nice little nod with something else.

Zara, MAXI TERRY TOTE BAG, £19.99 

*ASOS, Stradivarius short sleeve towelling shirt and short co-ord in green, £34 

*ASOS, UGG CA805 chunky trainers in maple nubuck, £120 

*ASOS, ASOS DESIGN mid square sunglasses in brown with tonal lens, £12 

Lareese

I love the plush terry cloth fabric, especially for carefree summer days down the beach or by the pool. In fact, I just snapped up this blue terry cloth playsuit from Mango and have worn it to death ever since. It’s so easy to throw on with trainers or sandals, a tote bag and sunnies and head out for the day.

*Mango, Towel-texture cotton jumpsuit, £29.99 

*New Balance, Munsell white with silver metallic 530, £80 

Hotel Magique, Fruity magique tote bag, £25.73 

Na-kd, Wide Retro Look Sunglasses, £10.95 

Danielle

I love the look of these rompers for summer, unsure on whether I’ll look like a giant baby but I’m sure id still rock it in my garden. I’d love to pop this on for a beach day or down to my local lido with a swimming cosi, sandals, classic beach tote and of course a chunky gold necklace.

*COS, TERRY TOWELLING PLAYSUIT, £55 

*H&M, Ribbed shaping swimsuit, £24.99 

Alohas, Marshmallow Scacchi Stone Beige Ivory, £124 

*ASOS, Whistles Lianne tote bag in natural straw, £89 

Carrie Elizabeth, Chunky Link Chain In Gold Plated Brass, £180 

Holly

I love this trend, especially for unpredictable British Weather. This Co-ord would be perfect for a long day at the beach. Chuck the shorts on when you’ve just been for a dip and want to cover up a bit more. Then as it gets into the evening, perhaps having a cheeky BBQ, chuck on the jumper. Paired with some sexy, comfortable, practical crocs and you’re all set for a day at the seaside.

*ASOS, Nike Plus crop retro terry towelling crop sweatshirt in beige, £55 

*ASOS, Nike Plus terry-towelling shorts in beige, £35 

*ASOS, ASOS DESIGN T back swimsuit in bold abstract print, £24 

Crocs, Classic Clog, £39.99 

*Ray-Ban, HEXAGONAL FLAT LENSES, £156 

Charlotte

I honestly couldn’t possibly love this trend more! I have a pair of Terry towelling shorts from a Warehouse X Shrimps collab a couple of years ago and they’ve truly been one of my most ever worn summer items so I’m absolutely on board with adding more of this texture to my wardrobe. I’ve gone for a warm colour palette that makes me think of holidays and some little sandals I think are perfect for a day out shopping or brunch with the girls. No look is complete without a tote bag IMO and I love this one from ASOS so much!

*Selfridges, PROJECT EARTH ORGANIC SANDRO, Graphic-print organic cotton-jersey T-shirt, £79 

*ASOS, Stradivarius sporty sandal in coloured gingham, £25.99 

*ASOS, Santa Cruz dot print tote bag, £24.99 

*River Island, Yellow tie dye towelling shorts, £22 

Darcey

I love this trend so much! Towelling is so versatile, it’s great for the beach too and looks super cute. I’ve styled two outfits with the same accessories because I loved both so much. This lilac playsuit is so cool and paired with white trainers is such a laid back look. Also obsessed with these yellow towelling shorts from Collusion paired with this floral bralet from Monki!

*ASOS, New Girl Order Exclusive terry towelling playsuit in lilac, £36 

*ASOS, COLLUSION Plus runner short co-ord in yellow towelling, £15 

*ASOS, Monki Sindy organic cotton floral print cropped cami top in multi, £8 

*ASOS, Nike Training 3 pack ankle socks in white, £10.95 

*Offspring, Nike Air Force 107 Trainers, £105 

*ASOS, RIPNDIP Lord Nermal Tote bag in natural, £12 

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This month we asked for your summer-loving woes and you didn’t disappoint with some good old juicy stories. From losing your virginity and being more accessible to finding out your boyfriends OnlyFans bill, we’re back with our big sister advice that absolutely should be taken with a grain of salt because hey, we’re not trained therapists, just a bunch of women who want to listen and help.

Charlotte

Hi anon! First things first, it sounds like you have a fair bit of dating experience which I think is really positive when looking for ‘the one’ or a long term partner because you truly know what you’re seeking from a romantic relationship, so you have a great foundation there already! However, because you have this experience it also might feel like you inherently ‘know’ what’s out there, what to expect from guys and have written yourself a version of the future which hasn’t even happened yet. You didn’t mention how you’re meeting your dates but if it’s via dating apps then I think the issue of age is one that can be quite easily resolved by adjusting your preferences and only agreeing to meet men of a similar age. Alternatively, do you have any friends in relationships who’s boyfriends might have single friends that could work as potential dates? Working with your existing pool of contacts in the city might mean you’re more likely to find someone at the same stage in life as you and could reduce the chance of any more non starters ruled out because of age.

I know that where you live can absolutely have an impact on your dating life, as for example I’m fully aware that if I were to date in my family home town the options would be severely limited, but I guess I’m wondering if you feel it would make enough of a difference to consider uprooting your life entirely? If you’re itching for a change in general (it sounds like this could be the case as you mentioned coming to the UK which really would be a dramatic change in the course of your future) then I don’t think moving is a terrible idea, I’d just be sceptical of doing so purely on the basis of dating. If you think it would enhance your life in other ways too (work, friends, life experiences) then I think it’s absolutely worth a shot, but don’t turn your world on its head purely on the basis of finding a partner- I’m a firm believer that the universe times everything as it’s meant to be and maybe things are in the works that you just don’t know of yet.

Keep positive, hopeful and most importantly confident in yourself and be safe in the knowledge that things WILL work out. Don’t lose hope and don’t rule things out just because it feels like you know better- sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways.

Danielle

Hello, anon!

Thanks for writing in, especially from across the pond! I’m glad you included the information about where you’re from in your question as I think it’s the most important bit. To decide that there are no suitable romantic prospects in an entire state that you’re about to move to sounds like a huge generalisation but I’m sure you already know that. It seems like you’re worrying about it and writing it off before you’ve even got there which isn’t the best state of mind to be in. A lot of people will tell you the universe hands back the energy you’re giving it, and if you keep thinking there are no potential partners for you I don’t think one will magically come along. I think the most important thing is to move somewhere that makes you happy, forget about relationships and finding a partner and just focus on where you feel comfortable and inspired, where you can make friends that you have fun with, your vibe attracts your tribe and all that! I know New York is a lot more modern and fast-paced than Utah/Salt Lake City so maybe now is the time to decide if you should get used to where you are or make the move for happiness somewhere else?

Either way, don’t write off every prospect you never know what’s around the corner!

Holly

Hello my love,

Thanks for sending in your question, I can imagine that’s tough to open up about. Firstly, I don’t think fancying older men is odd (I mean it depends how old we’re talking) but each to their own. There is definitely some people more than double my age that I would like to go on a date with or more…

There is also absolutely nothing wrong with not having done more than kiss before. I have friends that are almost 30 and have never even kissed somebody. They just haven’t found the right person they want to be intimate with, the important thing is to wait until it’s right for you. There is no right or wrong time.

To answer – how to tell them, I genuinely don’t think it needs to be a big deal. Just meet up with someone with the intention of having fun, if it comes up in conversation naturally then mention it. Then if it comes to the point where you’ve found someone you want to sleep with, hopefully, you feel comfortable enough to share your past. I do think it’s important to be honest beforehand just so whoever you’re with knows to be gentle, but it’s also not something you have to share with just anyone.

Generally speaking, any decent human being wouldn’t judge you for being a virgin. In my experience, boys under 30 tend to be not that emotionally mature so I think they would probably be a bit weirder about it. Older people understand that everyone’s life experience is different, and that’s OK!

The main thing is don’t pressure yourself either way. You like who you like. And for the right person, how experienced you are won’t matter.

Sending you lots of positivity and luck, go get ’em!

Holly xx

Darcey

Hey anon! Firstly, absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin at 21, we all do things at different points in our life, I have friends who are the same age as me (23) who haven’t had sex yet and that is okay. I said this in another answer, but virginity means different things for different people and there shouldn’t be this societal pressure to lose it. Losing your virginity can be nerve-wracking, but honestly, there isn’t anything to be nervous about, those nerves will go when you know it’s the right moment for it to happen. I think the build-up if anything brings on the nerves, the “when will it happen” jitters.

Secondly dating older men also is fine if the relationship is consensual and you are both happy within that relationship. Obviously, you are 21, an adult, you can make decisions for yourself, but I’d be interested to know why you like older men. As I think if it’s a case of seeing them as more mature, that is not always the reality. I’ve dated guys who are the same age as me who have been super respectful and mature, I’ve dated guys who are like 7-8 years older than me, who have not been respectful with their actions and behaved childishly if I’m honest. I just wanted to put this out there in case you were kind of in the mindset of the older the more mature, as some people never grow up ha! But absolutely I see nothing wrong with dating older men, we all find different people attractive.

When it comes to dating older men and being a virgin, I honestly don’t think that matters at all. Mature men won’t care that you are a virgin or see it as an issue, if they ask you then you can tell them if you feel comfortable in doing so, if they act weird about it, see ya later! There’s no wrong or right answer to when you lose it, or who you lose it to. As long as you feel happy and comfortable with your decision, that is all that matters. Best of luck with everything! Xx

Danielle

Hello love,

Thank you so much for writing in, especially about a subject that could be affecting a lot of relationships these days! Firstly let me say you are absolutely enough, and no one – especially your partner – should make you feel like that.

Secondly, if I was in your situation I have to say I’d be absolutely fuming. I think if I knew if/how much my partner spent on OnlyFans I’d have to just deal with those uncomfortable feelings because essentially there’s nothing wrong with your partner consuming pornographic content especially when it means sex workers are getting paid. You have to trust that your partner is consuming the content responsibly and obviously it crosses a line if they’re messaging someone one on one.

However, in your case, I think subscribing to someone you both know is really inappropriate, it’s no longer a stranger on the internet, the line is crossed. The part of your story I find most upsetting is that when you confronted him he tried to minimize it, act like it wasn’t a big deal and after you told him it was, he ‘didn’t understand’ why it would make you feel shit.

I think if the shoe was on the other foot and you were soliciting dick pics from one of his old school mates he’d have an issue! The fact that you were also lending him money during this time makes my blood boil. Make sure you’re only ever lending and never straight up giving a boyfriend money. If he’s stopped and you’ve both agreed to move past it then that’s what you need to do. Maybe you just need to have one more conversation about why you found it so upsetting and also get a sincere apology from him? I’ll finish by saying this is a bit of a red flag, maybe not breakup worthy but don’t forget it in a hurry and stay alert for any other bad behaviour that makes you feel less than. Hope you feel better lovely! xxx

Darcey

There’s a lot to unpack here! Firstly, I want to say that I don’t blame you for feeling hurt still, it’s a really shitty thing for your boyfriend to have done. I wouldn’t mind my boyfriend using OnlyFans, because I see it as a more ethical platform then say PornHub, sex workers get paid and it’s a safe environment for them. However, there’s a line and there sure as hell is boundaries to who you subscribe to on OnlyFans. People you went to school with and who was a close friend of yours? Firm no, absolutely overstepping the boundaries. Not only does this make you uncomfortable, I bet it made the other women uncomfortable too, especially because he paid for extra photos.

Being curious too just seems like a strange thing to say, so basically, you’ve always wanted to see these women naked, so you took the first chance you got? Like there’s a difference between using OnlyFans for sexual pleasure and using it to see women you went to school with naked you know? I’d also be surprised if he didn’t realise the £100 leaving his account like if he’s strapped for cash, £100 is a LOT to just leave your account unnoticed. I think the issue is, he has deleted the app, which is good of him to have done, to me it seems he realised he messed up and has made it right. However, you are still hurt and that’s an issue as this feeling will fester. I want you to know straight up, this has nothing to do with you or how attractive he finds you; you are always enough. But if you are with someone who makes you feel as if you aren’t enough, that’s an issue.

The problem is if you have said you have forgiven him, then rehashing it might cause more issues because he will probably be thinking “well I thought we resolved this, why is this coming up again?”. I think you either must decide to let it go and move past it, or if you can’t move past it, think about if this relationship can move forward with you holding this grudge. I think in the future if you face any other issues that really hurt you, be super vocal and let him know how much he has upset you, honesty is always the best to try and move on.

You are always enough and if he doesn’t see it, well his bloody loss! Sending you lots of love and best of luck with everything in the future Xx

Charlotte

Hello anon! Thank you for writing in on such a vulnerable subject which I would disagree with you on and say is not weird at all- it’s something so, so many people will relate to and will have worried about previously so you’re absolutely not alone in this feeling.

I think it’s really natural to only want your first sexual experiences to be with someone you connect with, but as Darcey says I don’t think this necessarily has to mean relationship status. It might be that you date someone for a few weeks, get along with them really well and it naturally leads to something more intimate together. You might not be able to imagine that you could feel this way with someone fairly soon into meeting them but I’d say don’t rule out the possibility that this is how things might unfold for you. If however as you said you really do want your first time to be with someone that you end up being with afterwards, then the next natural step feels like putting yourself out there a bit and getting the wheels in motion for this to happen. Dating is a different experience for everyone, but I’d say downloading some apps and getting chatting to people is probably the easiest way to build a bit of confidence and get in the headspace for romance! You can take this at whatever pace you like, whether it be just seeing what’s out there for a while and having some casual chats, or diving in the deep end and arranging an IRL date straight away- I think you’ll know what feels most natural and right for you.

Ultimately I think this is something so many people experience and in the end, things tend to fall into place naturally, but I can definitely understand the sense of urgency and wanting to get the ball rolling- you and me both sister! Get yourself some cute date outfits in your repertoire, practice a killer make-up look you feel good in and most importantly feel confident and content in yourself as you start this process. It will be so fun and I can’t wait for you to hopefully update us at some point with the happy ending!

Enjoy hot girl summer!

Darcey

Hey anon! This is such a good question and I think something a lot of people will be pondering post lockdown. Whether you have sexual experience or not, it sometimes can be difficult to pinpoint if you are wanting something casual or serious. I think for you because this isn’t just about dating this is about your first sexual experiences, there’s more to consider. I think if you are saying from the offset, you don’t think you could have sex for the first time with someone and it be casual, take that feeling at face value.

I think if you are hoping for a deeper connection with someone to sleep with for the first time you should try and seek that. I know you said someone you are in a relationship with, but actually even it being with someone you know and trust can be just as fulfilling. Also, you don’t have to jump into sleeping with someone straight away, you can always casually date, do some bits and bobs here if you know what I mean haa, and if the right moment arises with the right person, then go for it! At the end of the day (in my personal opinion) virginity is a bit of a social construct which was created in order to keep women as something that can be ‘owned’, because virginity means so many different things to different people, it’s not just vagina and penis penetration. I think the pressure of losing your virginity can make the experience so intense that you end up not enjoying the experience or feeling regret after due to societal ‘norms’ of how it should happen and when.

I think get yourself out there on the dating scene, Hinge and Tinder fired up, start lining up some dates and see what happens? There really is no wrong or right answer to whether you should keep things casual or serious. I do think try and have somewhat of an idea going into it, as it’s good to be open about what you want early on. Even if that’s saying “I want to date and see what happens, but my end goal is a relationship” or “I am looking for something more casual but open to seeing what happens” as long as someone knows roughly what you are after, dating someone on the same page as you is waaaaay easier, saves all the “what is this, what are we” drama down the line. I think enjoy meeting new people and enjoy the moment! Hope you have the best Summer! Xx

Danielle

Heya love! Great question, I think ‘being accessible’ can mean a few things, but I think of it like the lottery “You’ve got to be in it to win it” which is to say if you want to meet someone at a bar and have an amazing conversation then you need to be at said bar. If you want to meet someone whilst you’re running out for coffee you need to be present and out there and not on your phone. So my best advice is just to say yes to life, go out with friends, get out the house, hit the gym or an exercise class, pick up a new hobby if there’s something you’ve been wanting to try! BUT, and here’s the hard part, try to completely forget about meeting a partner. Don’t do these things desperately searching for a man, they can smell it on you. The most attractive you can be is when you’re just living your life happily, I guarantee as soon as you stop thinking about trying to find a boyfriend they’ll all start to swarm. I WISH someone had given me this advice when I was younger as I remember being so consumed by boys instead of just enjoying the moments with my friends for what they were. The nights I was having the most fun were always the nights people asked for my number. I’ll stop rambling now, just get out there and focus on fun!

Holly

Hello lovely person,

Well, I guess there are 2 ways to look at the term ‘accessible’. You need to be physically out there, meeting people, going new places and confident in talking to new people. On the other, much scarier hand, you need to be emotionally ready to be in a relationship and willing to open up to somebody.

I’m by no means an expert, but from my experience, actually physically meeting people is the easy part. My top tips would be to put on an outfit that you feel confident in and go out with the intention of making new friends. Not everything has to be so serious looking at it like you’re going to find the love of your life. Making great new friends can be just as fulfilling as being in a relationship.

I think now is also the perfect time to put yourself out there and meet new people. Everyone is desperate to socialise after a year of not meeting anyone new. I know it’s scary but most people will be receptive. I know personally if someone came up to me wanting to be my friend I’d welcome them with open arms.

The much harder part is making sure you’re actually emotionally ready for a relationship. Letting someone in is HARD especially if you’ve not been in a relationship for a little while. I really think you have to be happy with yourself before getting into a relationship. It’s so easy to get carried away when you are dating someone that you forget what you really want in a partner. Work on yourself and make sure you’re in a good place, you should be content being alone. A partner should add to the happiness rather than be the basis for it.

I’m also a strong believer that if you’re desperate for a partner, you’ll end up settling which is never good. You deserve to be with the perfect person so don’t rush it.

Good luck and sending you lots of positivity.

Holly xx

The Tesco fridges are ransacked of Pornstar Martini cans, your skin is constantly sticky with SPF and the faint ‘it’s coming home’ chants can be heard far and wide from pubs up and down the country- yep, you guessed it, the heatwave is HERE! After possibly the longest winter of all time in which you’d be forgiven for entirely forgetting what a full dose of Vitamin D felt like, the sun is out and it feels bloomin’ fantastic. There’s nothing like a forecast of pure sunshine and good vibes to make you realise the U.K. ain’t half bad after all, and you best believe we’ll be soaking up every last bit of sunshine and pub garden Pimms we can get our paws on. 

Add a bucket hat and your fave sunnies and you’re officially picnic/beach/beer garden/mini golf ready!

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First off, how are you, and how is your 2021 going?

I’m doing well thank you! There have certainly been some challenging times but I’m feeling much more positive now restrictions have begun to ease more. I’m loving all the time I’m getting to spend with my friends who I’ve been separated from during the pandemic, you really take things for granted until they are taken away from you. Also loving this sunny weather! I really hope it stays.

Can you tell us about the work you do online?

I primarily run my Instagram page Queens of Eve where I aim to empower, embrace, and educate on intimate health. Specifically vulval health, and the medical bias we experience as women (it’s so interesting to learn about the history of women’s health, however also quite enraging!).

I share my own experiences as I suffer with several gynaecological conditions and Queens of Eve has become not just my own space to share my pain, but an online community of fellow sufferers or simply people who are interested in knowing more about my journey.

Throughout my time running my page I have learnt so much about other gynae conditions that I don’t personally suffer with (such as Endometriosis) so I also try my best to raise awareness on those topics too! I’m really happy that by speaking up it has shown to a lot of people that these topics should not be taboo, and I hope it’s encouraging others to go and seek the medical help they may need or talk openly to their own friends & family about vaginal & vulval issues.

Would you be able to share your personal story with intimate health?

Of course! I’ll give a brief summary as I tried to write my own blog post about this once and it exceeded 7 pages or so (yikes). I believe I’ve always had some degree of vulval pain/irritation even as a child, which I think could be closely linked to my allergens. However it wasn’t until I was sexually active that the relentless issues began.

It started with recurring thrush infections that even left the doctors baffled as to why I kept getting them so often, and then in around 2014/15 I started to experience tearing with sex, literally every single time I tried. Alongside this my vaginal discharge changed to become really heavy and watery which was incredibly distressing and embarrassing for me to cope with. With both of these issues combined I didn’t want anyone to touch me, I felt disgusting and was in constant pain because I had to wear a night pad every single day.

My skin became even worse as it was constantly wet and then had the addition of a sanitary towel tightly pressed against it day in day out (the discharge was so heavy I had no choice but to wear thick protection) and it would feel like mini papercuts around my vulva even just walking around or exercising.

It took 4 years for professionals to discover the discharge issue was caused by a cervical ectropion, and after undergoing two different minor surgeries in 2018 to remove it I can confirm that issue is resolved (as well as stopping contraception). Unfortunately, the answer behind why my skin is so prone to tearing is still something I am on a journey to discovering. I have been passed around multiple departments, sexual health, dermatology, gynaecology but so far no one can figure out what my problem is exactly. My current gynae is amazing and was one of the first people who really took time with me to listen to my worries, reassure me and do her best to help. She diagnosed me with vulvodynia (explains the daily pain/nerve pain) and possible vulval dermatitis.

Why do you think it’s so important we de-stigmatize and educate people on intimate health?

I think by openly talking about these issues it shows others that it’s nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, because it’s very common and nine times out of ten someone else will be in a very similar position to you. It also helps others to identify whether they could have a more serious problem. For so many years women and vulva owners have been very oppressed when it comes to sex, sexual/intimate health and were perceived as ‘hysterical’ when coming forwards with vaginal/vulval symptoms. In fact, the word ‘uterus’ comes from the Greek word ‘hystera’ meaning hysteria! Similarly this word ‘hysterectomy’ which is a medical procedure also derives from the same background. Unfortunately even today, many people are dismissed by medical professionals and told their issues are in their heads, something I have also personally experienced.

In addition to this, women or people with vaginas could be causing themselves further harm by not being aware of key things to avoid. This is not helped by some brands within the feminine hygiene industry. Things like believing a vagina ‘smells bad’ and then going on to be self conscious by over washing and using harmful soaps/deodorants/wipes thinking that this is helping them, when in fact it is hurting them through a higher risk of contracting infection, which in turn can then make you smell worse!

What are some of the most common misconceptions you see online when it comes to intimate health?

Oooh so many! My BIGGEST gripe which I’m sure anyone who follows me will know is the misconception that your vagina should smell like a rose. We have a naturally acidic pH which will give off a slightly tangy/musty odour but that is normal! All of these wash products that contain fragrance, deodorants (such a weird concept to me that these exist) wipes, and now a new ‘odour eliminating gel’ are all so dangerous because not only do they heighten an already very common insecurity, they actually CAUSE bad odour through the contraction of infections like bacterial vaginosis. Not to mention the ingredients cause irritation and pain, especially for those of us with pre-existing health conditions.

Absolutely nothing should be inserted up into the vaginal canal apart from a tampon/menstrual cup or any approved medical treatments like pessary tablets for thrush.

There’s also a misconception around Endometriosis, firstly there is no cure, so any information or products out there claiming to cure the condition are extremely false. It’s also NOT the same as the endometrium (tissue that makes up the lining of the womb) . It’s tissue similar to the endometrium, but really important to know that it is not the same!

It’s usually hard for women & vagina owners to get a diagnosis, do you have any tips to help people feel more confident?

I completely can relate to this, especially as I don’t really have a diagnosis for my tearing. It can feel so frustrating, tiring and isolating having to constantly repeat yourself to different doctors and to sometimes be easily dismissed. Although it’s so hard to keep motivated and hopeful, my biggest tip would be persistence. You have got to just keep pushing and fighting until you are taken seriously, which really shouldn’t be the case but unfortunately it is.

Also the fact that you know your own body best. If you aren’t confident about advice a doctor has provided, seek a second opinion. If I went by some of the first advice I have been given in my past then I would have made myself a lot worse, but I knew in myself that the issues I was experiencing were more than what I was being told.

Secondly, sexual health clinics are amazing. I have found them so much easier to get appointments within in comparison to GP appointments and they still have the power to be able to refer you to gynaecologists. I was referred to my current gynaecologist through my local sexual health clinic! 

What do you hope to achieve in the next few years with Queens of Eve?

I have so many ideas up my sleeve but unfortunately a lot are subject to cost, I don’t have the budget to get started at present so most of these ideas are something I aspire to reach in the future! I would absolutely love to write a book, or e-books on my own story but also covering different ‘taboo’ topics to help destigmatize and empower people to embrace vaginal health.

I’m currently working on my own blog website, something I have had in the past but was never happy with so am taking the time to get it right. I would love to have something similar to Mumsnet but for younger women and covering topics like day to day vaginal health, discharge, periods, conditions and not just about pregnancy and motherhood, my audience is definitely a younger bracket and I don’t see anything quite like this online yet so hopefully I can fill that gap!

For now I am just focusing on growing my platform so that my exposure increases and to help as many women as I can. I’m so pleased with how positive and lovely everyone is and want that to continue.

What are you currently working on?

I’m currently working on my blog website behind the scenes, there’s a lot of work to do for a one woman band with a full time job! I love it though because it’s something I’m truly passionate about. I signed up to a couple of courses at the center for women’s fitness which I need to finish as well, focusing on pelvic floor exercises and myofascial release.

I’m also continuously working on my own social media content, Instagram, TikTok (I feel far too old for this platform at times and it shows haha) and I also have a private Facebook support group & page. I’ve done a couple of podcasts with some lovely ladies, blog posts for the Just Girl project & have hosted some of my own virtual events. Now that COVID restrictions have eased more I may be planning some in person events/meet-ups so watch this space….

Who are some of your current favourite follows?

Can I say Zoella? I don’t know if that’s cheesy but it’s true! I’m so happy that sex, women’s health etc are topics that are being covered by larger platforms so thank you so much. 

I love @samtalkssex who co-owns the sex toy retailer Jo Divine. I did a live with Sam & she is so knowledgeable and equally passionate about ingredient safety and I just think she is fabulous and really confident in talking about sex which I find really inspiring!

@drjengunter is INCREDIBLE. I have her book ‘The vagina bible’ and encourage anyone and everyone to read it. She also has her own blog ‘the vajenda’ where she covers vaginal myths, calls out awful products, answers the questions that everyone wants the answers to.

There are so many and I don’t want to leave people out but I’ve also connected with so many amazing people who share similar problems to myself, some of whom I’m excited to meet in person soon! @sugardancegang and @klairedoyleart are two very special ladies that I met through Queens of Eve. We’re having a meet up next month and I can’t wait! Beckie sells her own gorgeous handmade marble candles at Sugar dance gang inspired by  film & tv characters, and Claire is such a talented artist who has also done some empowering female body pieces.

What does your perfect weekend look like?

I would say a really peaceful secluded getaway, those tree house lodges you can stay in are right up my street. Lots of scenery, relaxation and having that time to unwind as I’m always so busy. I also love nothing more than going out for dinner, so a lovely evening meal with a few gin and tonics wouldn’t go amiss either! Does anyone have a sausage dog I could take with me? They are my dream.

What do you always carry with you?

Sadly, my phone. I definitely spend way too much time on it but in fairness, my social media channels are what I work on the most so I struggle to put it down. I also always have a little emergency bag in my handbag, full of different medications I may need, tampons, liners, a bit of lip balm, spare contact lenses and sometimes even a spare pair of pants. You just never know when you will need them!

What would your last ever meal be?

Sushi hands down. I think sushi is the only thing I could happily eat for breakfast lunch and dinner. Smothered in soy sauce of course.

What is one positive piece of advice you could give to our audience?

I would say, given the last year and other things I’ve had to go through recently, to just live your life like it’s your last day, every day. There is no time to be unhappy, whatever that may be, try and cut it out. Don’t feel guilty in putting yourself first, you are important and your happiness even more so. As my mum always says, you aren’t here for a long time, you’re here for a good time, so if you want to do that thing you’ve been putting off for whatever reason, just DO IT. 

Follow @Queensofeve on Instagram here!