It’s the *beigest* time of the year and if you’re not consuming a stupid amount of batter morning, noon and night and working the kitchen a la Matilda, you’re doing Pancake Day all wrong, lads. 

Whilst the stuff straight from the bottle is a lifesaver for forgetful/lazy girls everywhere (@me), nothing beats the fluffy American sort made with your own fair hands. They will always reign supreme in the upper echelons of pancake hierarchy. 

With that in mind, we’re sharing three ways to whip up a 5* stack this Shrove Tuesday so if you like your eggs cracked into a bed of milk and flour, then hit save on Zoe’s all-time favourite – and easy to follow – recipe, courtesy of the pancake king himself Jamie Oliver. Crepe fans, step aside! 

Once you’ve got the batter recipe down, you can graduate to fillings and decorations. Whether you’re a traditional gal or a fiend for a mukbang challenge, these three toppings are guaranteed to make sure you lock lips with a top tier pancake in 2022. 

Fruit & Yoghurt 

Gorgeous, gorgeous girls do their morning pages and eat pancakes with fruit and yogurt. Fill each layer of your stack with a dollop of tangy Greek yoghurt, top with fresh berries, a generous drizzle of honey or syrup and a light dusting of icing sugar. Sublime! 

The Chocolate Overdose

Pancakes for breakfast? That sounds a lot like deprivation to us. Breakfast, lunch and dinner is the only MO for Shrove Tuesday. Pancake Day comes but once a year so bosh them in all their stunning iterations and die full, happy and bloated. 

Smother each pancake with a layer of Nutella, a handful of mini marshmallows and white chocolate chips for 11/10 texture and taste. Drizzle chocolate dipping sauce on top and finish with a smattering of your favourite chocolate (Zoe’s gone for Bitsa Wispa) for a decadent dessert destined to have you chanting Bruce, Bruce, Bruce. Gobble ‘em down like tomorrow doesn’t exist and regret nothing. 

The Classic 

If it ain’t broke! It wouldn’t be P Cake Day without the power couple of all power couples: lemon and sugar. Tart but sweet, it’s a firm favourite with those who prefer their pancakes on the plainer side but still fluffy, puffy and good as hell. When it comes to the lemon, a fresh squeeze is the way to go. Slice up a lemon and fan on top of your stack for Jamie Oliver style pizzaz and easy-access to more juice should you need a drop more citrus going on. Dust with caster sugar and eat them steaming hot whilst thinking about the imminent arrival of Bridgerton Season 2. Epic brunch? Completed it. 

Whilst the delights of storm Eunice truly made it feel like the outside world would be uninhabitable for good, the shortest month of the year is in fact nearly behind us and the promise of pancakes, lighter evenings and daffodils is starting to feel within touching distance once more. As The Devil Wears Prada’s Miranda Priestly once pointed out, florals for spring aren’t exactly groundbreaking, but there is something to be said about the reliability that comes from the annual unveiling of pastel colours, kitsch prints and organic shapes reminding us of a new Spring season that simply never get old. After what feels like another long AF winter, we’re so here for the small joys that remind us the end is in sight, most importantly adding Mini Eggs to the weekly shop and instantly levelling up your mid morning cuppa. Happiness, tick!

And when it comes to Spring cliches, there seems nothing more fitting during these months than leaning in to a good old fashioned Spring clean, sort out and rejig, freshening up your space and mind and clearing way for all the next few months have in store. Goodbye heavy velvet textures and jewel tones and hello to pastel shades and cotton everything- it’s good to see you! Our physical space can have a huge impact on our mood and mental health, so in the name of positivity, we prescribe a healthy dose of retail therapy. Enjoy!

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Confusingly, under that high sense of self, was a man who needed constant validation. From myself and others around him, without it he’d get extremely upset

Ally, victim of narcissistic abuse

Narcissism: Selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration. 

Despite the worryingly toxic definition, it’s true that all of us exhibit narcissistic traits to some degree, be it struggling to accept criticism or occasionally prioritising our needs above others for our own gain at times. But in truth the insidious form of emotional and psychological abuse that can come from time spent with someone who fits the full definition, or has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is far from the norm. 

According to Trauma-Informed Therapist Caroline Strawson who specialises in narcissistic and domestic abuse, narcissism is born out of painful inner child wounds that can cause their internal protector to become extreme, abusive and controlling.

“This goes down to how I define a narcissist using Internal Family Systems- an evidence-based model of psychotherapy. We all have sub-personalities, for example, if you are asked to go to a party and a ‘part’ of you wants to go but another ‘part’ just wants to stay curled up at home and chill. We have them in many formats.

In Internal Family Systems, we work on the premise that we all have a true self which is actually the essence of how we are all born- someone who is compassionate, confident, creative and curious. It is innate within us, but as we go through our childhood, we perceive events in a certain way, and this is when we start to create beliefs about ourselves. For instance, the father who does not praise you can create a negative belief that you are not good enough, and this creates a core inner child wound that is deemed to be so painful that your system will do anything it can to minimise, soothe and distract you away from feeling. You may then have what we call protector parts that show up to take on this role such as people-pleasing, self-harm, addiction, emotional eating etc. In essence, we all have a true self, an inner child wound, or exiled younger part and then these protector parts which serve to move you away from pain, but very often have a destructive impact. Narcissists are exactly the same.

They all have a true self BUT their inner child wound becomes so painful, that their protector parts become very extreme and abusive and become that individual’s false sense of self. The collective name for an individual’s protector parts that are abusive in this way, and are what we call a narcissist.

They all have a true self BUT their inner child wound becomes so painful, that their protector parts become very extreme and abusive and become that individual’s false sense of self. The collective name for an individual’s protector parts that are abusive in this way, and are what we call a narcissist.

Caroline Strawson

There are two types of narcissism: covert and grandiose, both of which are pathological and stem from insecurity, but present in different ways. Grandiose narcissists wish to be seen by others in a very specific way, are driven by status and have an unrealistic sense of superiority, says relationship coach Stefanos Sifandos in a recent podcast episode on the subject with Mark Groves of Create The Love. Grandiose narcissists believe they are too good for the average, ordinary person and continually talk about their achievements and accolades to mask deep-rooted feelings of shame. In comparison, covert narcissists are far more emotionally sensitive and swing back and forth between feeling and presenting as inferior and superior. They can be incredibly possessive, insecure and paranoid in romantic relationships, often stemming from neglect or abuse in childhood. 

Knowing why a narcissist may behave in a particular way might help explain their choices, but it certainly doesn’t excuse them. The abuse those close to a narcissist face within every interaction can be so emotionally destructive that life feels unbearable, as Londoner Ally knows all too well…

“​​I met my ex at the age of 21 back when I was young, naive and had never been in a relationship. The first few months were magical and full of excitement – it felt like I was in a Taylor Swift song. We’d text everyday, spend all of our free time together and we’d quickly fall in love. Within 6 months we’d exchanged ‘I love yous’ and were living under one roof. It was my version of perfect and I was happy. 

It started with small digs, usually regarding my appearance and jokes about my race – I brushed them off at first even when it was clear I was uncomfortable with his comments. As this was our first time having any real conflict he was very sweet and understanding of my feelings, but as time went on, my feelings began to go unnoticed, apologies exchanged with anger and being shouted at became part of my everyday routine. 

Disagreeing with him or being upset for any valid reason would result in him having tantrums and going as far as punching holes in the wall instead of just communicating with me.

Ally

Whenever I tried to communicate my feelings he would shout in my face while I’d cry and tell me to stop feeling the way I was feeling, it was like he thought I was acting and could simply switch off my emotions. He’d have no empathy and would simply wait until I’d calmed myself down and then tell me how much he loved me and how I was the best person he had ever met. 

As the years went by I got more and more depressed, I’d suddenly found myself isolated from my friends and family, going to work crying every day and being treated like I was his property. 

He would tell me what to do, how to live my life and tell me how much of a disappointment I was.. he’d even started telling me I wasn’t allowed to ask him any questions. My life simply revolved around his and he’d tell me I was ruining our relationship if I wanted to do anything different with mine.

Part of the reason I stayed with him is because he was so nice to everyone else that no one believed me when I did speak out about the ways he was treating me. Friends and family thought I could’ve been taking things out of context and perhaps it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was because he was a “nice guy”. I would start to gaslight myself and think maybe I was taking things out of context even after 4 years together.

Unfortunately trying to leave a narcissist is difficult because they will manipulate and gaslight you just as you reach your breaking point. They make you doubt your own reality and tell you that things aren’t as bad as you believe, they’ll start to be nice and tell you about the future plans of getting married and having kids, being the only one they love and guilt-tripping you until you forgive them. 

The months leading up to our break-up were extremely difficult, his behaviour had somehow gotten worse and he was putting me through distressing situations almost everyday. I had gotten very depressed by this point and was waking up physically shaking with anxiety on a daily basis. 

I was so mentally drained and was finding it impossible to find the motivation to carry on living. 

The best thing I did for myself during my breakup was seek therapy, this helped me to gain control of my life again and taught me how to heal from the trauma I had experienced.”

Narcissistic abuse and behaviour is never a reflection of the worth or actions of the individual suffering at the hands of it, but accepting and coming to terms with this fact is far easier said than done. Therapist Caroline Strawson, who was also a victim of narcissistic abuse from her ex-husband, was forced to spend a long time working on dismantling this belief in her own personal life following her divorce.

Now as an adult, I know I was good enough, but this trauma was literally stuck in the body which is why when I work with my clients we have to do embodied work such as Brainspotting because you can’t think your way out of trauma.”

Currently, there is no known cure for being a narcissist, but psychotherapy is often helpful in building up a narcissist’s poor self-esteem, creating more realistic expectations of others, recognising their own strengths and weaknesses and learning to accept criticism and failure. It is possible for narcissists to relate and engage with others in more positive ways, but reaching a point of willingness for this is often the main barrier therapists face.

If you’re struggling with the impact of living with or knowing a narcissist, the Echo Society, a volunteer-driven not-for-profit organisation providing peer support groups and counselling services, may be able to help. Caroline’s podcast, The Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Podcast is another great resource which she created after leaving her marriage to help others understand more about narcissism, and provide support for those feeling at fault for experiencing this abuse. 

“It takes deep body work but this is at the core of my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme. To move from surviving to thriving and what we call in positive psychology, Post Traumatic Growth. Growth and living an even better life because of the narcissist as they were actually the spotlight and catalyst for you to heal your inner child wounds at a deep nervous system level.”

Whilst the traditional meaning of celibacy typically refers to the state of abstaining from sex before or after marriage for a long period of time – often for religious reasons – as a modern practice, it can be so much more than going cold turkey on sex. 

There are a whole plethora of reasons why someone might choose to partake in voluntary celibacy at a certain point in their life. Some people explore the practice to heal from sexual trauma, recover from heartbreak or sub-par dating experiences (how long have you got?) and focus on connections that serve them rather than those that make them feel ‘less than’. 

For others, it’s a spiritual calling to undo self-destructive patterns and unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as co-dependency or reliance on intimacy as a form of escapism and distraction from uncomfortable emotions they’ve avoided. 

In a world of hook-up culture, unfulfilling casual encounters, and the trials and tribulations of the ‘swipe right’ marketplace mentality, it seems celibacy can offer an opportunity to unsubscribe from all of the above, happily abandoning sex in favour of mental clarity and inner peace. It’s one-upmanship on deleting all dating apps. It’s a hard pass on sex and all its subliminal implications, no matter your gender or sexuality, although it does seem particularly alluring for those of us dealing with cis-het men on the regs, we have to say. Do with that what you will. 

Living a sex-free life can be impossible to comprehend for many but an increasing number of people are turning to celibacy as a self-development practice to redefine what intimacy means to them. Like journaling, shadow work, therapy or cold water swimming, it’s a tool used to nourish the relationship we have with ourselves, providing space to dismantle heteronormative ideals of attraction and love. 

When sexual desire is no longer at the centre of your universe – and being desirable (namely to cis-het men) simply isn’t a measure of your self-worth – you can excavate what emotional intimacy and connection truly looks like to you, without using sex as a default medium for both. By raising your standards and creating healthy non-negotiable boundaries, you’ll never settle for anything less than the nourishment and safety you deserve, in turn, becoming the most embodied version of yourself. 

Whatever your stance on celibacy, your relationship with yourself is always worth working on and staying in your own seggs-free lane to reflect on your inner world without shame is one such way to do it. 

Jordan Jeppe practised celibacy for 13 months after a three-month fling left her heartbroken. Here she shares her journey to finding a deeper connection with herself and explains how celibacy became a catalyst for her healing and empowerment…

A Journey In Deeper Self-Love – Jordan’s Celibacy Story  

I started exploring celibacy after continuously losing myself in relationships. My heart was broken from a three-month fling and I was just starting my solo travelling journey. Celibacy wasn’t just about not having sex. It was an intentional journey of removing myself from partners, healing from the past and ultimately, becoming the person I wanted to date.

Setting an intention with celibacy helps give meaning to why you’re embarking on the journey. For me, it was to establish my self-worth in absence of men and to explore my inner world, without any self-pleasure, through committing to a self-development practice of shadow work.

Jordan Jeppe

This is the difference between celibacy and abstinence. Typically, celibacy refers to a longer period of time of no sex and includes no sexual relations. Abstinence, on the other hand, can mean abstaining from penetrative sex, but engaging in other sexual acts — and is often for a more limited period of time.

What I teach and support in my online course ‘Celibacy: A Journey to Deeper Self Love’ is to set your own rules around self-pleasure. However, this comes with immense responsibility to explore one’s relationship with self-pleasure before choosing to abstain from it while practising celibacy. I don’t say that lightly, this act of responsibility takes courage. 

What helped me see myself fully was exploring the practice of shadow work while celibate. Shadow work is all about revealing the aspects of ourselves that we suppress and deny. The shadow holds our deepest and most subtle traumas, which live within our subconscious minds. Because 95% of our reality comes from our subconscious minds, learning how to embody our shadow selves is how we truly heal and no longer attract, nor project our wounded self onto others – it is living in our authenticity.

Of course, with any journey as intricate and deep as this one, there were some downsides. 

At the time, I was solo travelling through Europe. There were moments the high of dating myself would dissolve. My old behaviours would urge me to download Tinder or Bumble, the thoughts would tell me I was only in Paris for so long – at times I was my own worst enemy. Then there was the fear of having to explain myself to a potential partner, or even worse being gaslighted by someone. 

Another popular question I receive on TikTok is how to know when to break your celibacy. To be honest, there is no right set amount of time because everyone has their own timeline for healing. One of the telling signs for me was this innate feeling that I was ready to put what I had intentionally spent so much time working on to the test. 

That strong feeling put me back on the apps and out into the dating world again, but not without my non-negotiable list. This list was something I constructed while celibate and contained everything I wanted in a partner. It was my guideline for my next partner, it made saying ‘no’ easier, it helped reinforce my boundaries and it wasn’t until a man checked everything on my list –  that I was intimate again. 

When I think back to that moment of wanting to explore celibacy for the first time it was not only an intuitive hit within my body telling me this is what I needed, it was also my life coach putting a mirror right in front of my face. She knew I was just ending a three-month fling and her words hit me right in the chest: “as soon as you let your boundaries down with someone you completely lose yourself.” 

She told me the truth and while it stung with honesty, I needed to hear it. Often we fear we cannot deal with what we see. Our patterns of destruction, low self-worth and codependent tendencies keep us from experiencing deep love – not with others, but with ourselves.

Celibacy, paired with a self-development practice, has the ability to return the power back to yourself. The exact power you were born with and what your authentic self is craving to be. I hope this piece serves as a mirror for whoever needs it.

Jordan Jeppe

If you’re interested in finding out more about celibacy or you’re wondering if it’s the right choice for you, you can sign up for Jordan’s journey to self-love online course at a special discounted rate here. 

From job interviews to first dates, the day you’re 99% sure you’re going to get engaged to the party you know your ex is going to be at (ugh), what you wear has a significant impact on how you feel, present yourself and show up in the world. But what about when inspiration is seriously … lacking? Enter: Team Zoella. We might be partial to re-wearing the same loungewear set one too many days in a row, but on the whole, we know a thing or two about nailing an outfit whatever the occasion, and we’re here to help you on this mission too!

We took to Instagram recently to ask about your fashion dilemmas- the style SOS missions keeping you up at night- and today 4 of Team Z’s most avid ASOS scrollers are here to save the day. From Harry Styles concert ‘fits to star sign themed party dresses, your newfound wardrobe agony aunts are here to save the day…

Lareese is styling…

A Pisces themed outfit for my Zodiac themed birthday at the end of the month

As a fellow Piscean, I totally get why deciding on a birthday outfit might be slightly overwhelming ha! Decisiveness is not our best trait after all. A Zodiac themed party is such a great shout and means you’ll have plenty of options to embrace your water sign with sequins, shine and 50 shades of blue galore. Or, if you didn’t want to lean into the fish sign that hard, you could go for a less is more approach with romantic silhouettes – a nod to your creative and artistic side. I’ve put in a couple of dresses for different budgets but I say the occasion calls for big fish energy. May as well splash out eh!

The Olivia & Alice embroidered organza dress is a vibe (and budget-friendly), and easily dressed up or down with boots, DMs or heeled sandals depending on your mood. Top it off with a headband (or hair tinsel could be fun?!) and you’re good to go for your birthday bash. If you’re not feeling a dress, you could also go for a Pisces power suit – I love this blue suit co-ord paired with a matching bralette and heels. Or, you could go the rental route. Try Hurr or By Rotation for a fancy pants wear-once outfit with none of the guilt! Whatever you end up wearing, you’re sure to look the part just by being your wonderful Piscean self. Happy birthday, I hope you have a ball! 

*ASOS, Labelrail x Olivia & Alice embroidered organza mini dress, £70
Na-Kd, Profile Sole Calf Boots, £44.95
*ASOS DESIGN headband with diamante detail, £12
*Etsy, FishMongersDaughter, Pisces Party Crown, £11.96
*ASOS, Topshop suit co-ord in turquoise, £130
*River Island, CREAM STRAPPY SANDALS, £45
Mango, Glossy baguette bag, £35.99
Hurr, VERSACE TRÉSOR DE LA MER MIDI DRESS, Rental Price £161 – £460

Charlotte is styling…

Harry Styles Love on Tour concert!

If I could start a styling business purely on helping people find their best outfit for a Harry Styles gig I would because the JOY I felt in putting this outfit together was unmatched. I love how instrumental Harry Lambert (very confusing, this is Mr Styles’ stylist for those who don’t know) has been in influencing trends and the style choices of H fans since he started working with Harry, and there are a few subtle nods to his incredible eye and role in Harry’s visual identity in this look.

Because Love on Tour is a celebration of the Fine Line album, I’ve also played homage to one of my favourite songs Cherry with the corset top and earring choice, which I think makes for a fun but a mature way of celebrating Harry’s music! I’ve added an optional feather boa because if you can’t wear one at HSLOT then when can you, eh!

*ASOS DESIGN Hope corset in cherry print, £28
*I Saw It First, Red Petite Tailored High Waisted Trousers, £30
*Claires, Gold 1.5″ Crystal Cherry Drop Earrings, £6
Party Delights, Black Feather Boa, £5.99
*Converse black & red chuck 70 crafted with love trainers, £85

Darcey is styling…

Girls night out for drinks – Stylish but not too formal

This is my go-to vibe for any night out so I hope I can deliver the goods! I personally think you can’t go wrong with a whole black outfit for any night out, it always looks stylish and also means if you spill any drinks it can’t be seen ha. Firstly, I think key staples for any wardrobe are a pair of leather trousers, a black blazer and some chunky boots.

These three items can be interchangeably styled with different tops and accessories so are super versatile. H&M are the best for affordable but good quality leather trousers and blazers, I swear by them. Chunky flat boots give a more stylish feel to your outfit than trainers, but look equally as good (if not better) as heeled boots or heels, cause who wants their feet hurting halfway through the night? For a top, I’ve gone for a basic long-sleeved ribbed top, which will keep you warmer under the blazer but also bring a more casual feel to the look.

Green is having a real moment so I’ve accessorised with a green shoulder bag from Zara with a chunky gold chain, but you could pick any colour really for the bag, it’s just nice to bring a pop of colour somewhere in the outfit. Jewellery wise I’ve gone gold to tie it in with the bag, but I think silver and gold jewellery both look equally as stylish on a night out. Hope this can inspire some looks, you might already have some of it in your own wardrobe too!

*H&M, Imitation leather trousers, £24.99
Mango, Ribbed cotton T-shirt, £17.99
*H&M, Single-breasted jacket, £34.99
Zara, QUILTED SHOULDER BAG WITH CHAIN, £25.99
*ASOS, schuh Anastasia chunky calf boot in black, £40
*ASOS DESIGN gold plated everyday hoop earrings, £12

Danielle is styling…

On my honeymoon trip next month, a cruise to the Bahamas. I need fancyish dinner outfit ideas.

I love this outfit quandary as I’ve done a fair few cruises and they’re SO hard to pack for. You need an outfit for breakfast, an outfit for the pool/beach/excursion and an outfit for dinner which of course needs to be casual, smart casual, or formal depending on the dress code for that night. The key to packing light for me is choosing a pair of heels and a bag that can go with most of your evening outfits, unless you’re a real accessories gal there isn’t much point in wasting case space on bags and shoes. I love this black strappy pair you could lace differently around your foot/leg to give a bit of variation.

For a bag you really don’t need to carry much as you’re always in walking distance to your room, I usually only take out my phone, sea pass and lip/powder product so choosing a chic small evening bag that goes with a lot means you can take the stress out of choosing each night. This beaded clutch from OB is gorgeous and you would get SO much wear out of this Vivienne Westwood pouch. As it’s you’re honeymoon I’ve picked out this lovely flowing off-the-shoulder white dress (which will look great with a tab) as you can dress it up and wear it for an evening and then re-purpose it as a beach throw on later in the week. I’ve also picked out a couple of silky dresses that you can throw in the case for an evening look then dress down and re-wear in the day later on in the holiday. I hope you have the most wonderful cruise!

*ASOS EDITION off shoulder midi dress in oatmeal, £52.50
*Nasty Gal, Strappy Lace Up Kitten Heels, £35
*Oliver Bonas, Dana Faux Pearl Box Clutch Bag, £45
*Farfetch, Vivienne Westwood logo-plaque clutch bag, £151
*ASOS, Topshop blue splodge flower wrap midi dress, £55
*ASOS, Stradivarius wrap midi satin dress in green, £29.99

It’s term time at Euphoria High, and if you plan on enrolling you better strap in for the ride …

HBO’s hit coming of age show Euphoria is currently returning for its second season, after turning heads and sparking conversations everywhere when it debuted back in 2019, and if there’s one thing we’re obsessed with as much as the dreamy cast it’s their iconic wardrobe design. Heidi Bivens, journalist-turned-stylist-turned-costume designer, is behind the visual identity of each character’s wardrobe, and as a result has inspired trends Gen Z seriously can’t get enough of- think cut-out flares, pastel tracksuits and vintage style low rise jeans. The differentiation between each character’s deeply emotional journey’s and ever-changing identities are perfectly conveyed through their outfit choices each episode, and if you can bank on one cultural moment impacting 2022 fashion for the masses, it’s Bivens and Euphoria.

Pair this with the now iconic make-up direction by MUA and genius behind the Euphoria looks, Doniella Davy, and you’ve got a perfect storm of unique and exciting character identity’s everyone wants a slice of. Think face gems, wet-look lids, glitter lined eyes and understated skin and you’ll be well on your way to fitting right in with Rue, Cassie, Maddy and the gang.

If you want to jump on the trends everyone is pining for, keep scrolling and get adding to basket…

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“It was my Birthday in November and a few of my close friends didn’t remember”: The Monthly Slice of Between You & Me Drama

Ah, February! The month of love red friendship flags, deal-breakers and political unrest…

From forgiving your pals (or not) for forgetting your birthday to political views upending relationship bliss, going after the salary you deserve and how to find the one when it comes to therapists, keep reading to find out the team’s thoughts on this month’s Between You & Me life problems.

Don’t miss the BYAM polls over on Instagram!

Charlotte says…

I totally understand your frustration- birthdays can be a big milestone and especially after the past few years I feel like celebrating these occasions is more important than ever!

I would raise the issue with your friends and say you were hurt by it, because it sounds as if your upset is still naturally lingering and this would be preferable to letting your feeling snowball into more of a grudge. Perhaps you could suggest a get-together in the next few weeks as a belated celebration so you still get your moment?

Remind yourself that even though this hurt your feelings, hopefully, your friends will recognise that this wasn’t cool and it will be a one-off. You are deserving of spending time with!

Danielle says…

When it comes to my birthday I pretty much always do the arranging for any kind of gathering, so automatically it would be pretty hard to forget as we’re all talking about it. Did you arrange any kind of function or say anything about your birthday leading up to the fact?

Obviously it’s super rubbish they all seemed to forget and it probably left you feeling unloved and left out around your birthday which isn’t very nice. But I have to wonder why you didn’t say anything at the time? You’re still harbouring bad feelings towards them and they’re none the wiser, I’d shoot them a message and navigate the situation based on the responses, if they’re extremely sorry and embarrassed then put it down to them being innocent and having a lot going on that time of year. If they get defensive maybe they’re not actually “close” friends at all.

And this year be a little more ballsy about your bday! It’s your day! Mention it in passing, organise a get-together, don’t wait for people to forget, put it on their radars!

Lareese says…

You might feel lonely but you’re not alone with this, especially after the last 2 years. Seek out what brings YOU joy. Join groups (writing, book clubs, sport, Facebook communities, you name it!). I know making friends as an adult is scary but sometimes you’ve just gotta put yourself out there and get back on the horse as it were! Good luck lovely x

Darcey says…

This is always a hard one, if dinners are tough because when politics is brought up they belittle your views, that’s definitely something you should talk to your boyfriend about and set boundaries that maybe politics doesn’t get brought up around the dinner table. I am a firm believer though that opposing political views shouldn’t get in the way of relationships (for the most part), society has created this environment where you have to pick a side and then dislike everyone who sits on the other side and I think this really affects human relationships.

If their beliefs morally go against yours, that’s different and would be hard to navigate, but if you just have opposing views on some things, I don’t see why that can’t turn into an explorative conversation, rather than a difficult one. But if they make you feel bad, that’s not okay so boundaries are definitely needed!

Danielle says…

Eeek I’m pretty partial to healthy political debate with my dad and actually, my sister in law usually joins me in giving our opinions and trying to change his traditional viewpoints but we always finish still respecting each other and no one ever feels dog piled.

If this is happening at your BF’s family dinners where he and his family are on one side and you’re on the other it sounds a little unfair numbers-wise, and it obviously must be getting you down. I’d ask yourself whether you want to be with someone who has such different views from your own, how will you raise your children (if you want any), will he stand with you at a protest you feel passionately about? That’s the kind of person you want to spend your time with, not someone ganging up on you with your in-laws at a casual dinner.

Charlotte says…

It can be a really overwhelming process (especially when you’re not feeling great to begin with) but thankfully there’s been a big boom in companies/organisations making the process super streamlined and accessible.

The Self Space website could be a good place to start- they have over 45 qualified therapists that can work on a 1-1 basis and each has a small bio onsite that gives you an idea about them and their speciality. They also have this page about choosing the right type of therapy for you which could be helpful when starting the process: Choosing A Type Of Therapy – Where Do I Start? Self Space

If you’re looking for face to face therapy, the website Counselling Directory has thousands of therapists, allowing you to narrow down your search with your postcode to find someone suitable in your area! Counselling Directory – Find a Counsellor Near You

Above all, make sure you’re prioritising someone you feel a connection with (you can usually do intro calls to find out a bit more about how that therapist works), that you trust and feel confident being fully honest with. Good luck!

Lareese says…

Schedule your 1-1 and make your case! You’ve got to advocate for yourself and get the £££ you deserve BUT be prepared to back it up with hard evidence of your input in the business and examples of when you’ve gone above and beyond your call of duty. Chances are if it’s been a while since your last pay review, they’ll be expecting it anyway. Be proactive with your self-development within the role or put the feelers out elsewhere. Getting on with your coworkers is important but if the salary ain’t it, then find one that is 🙂 you’ve got this! x

Danielle says…

This is a tough one as having an awesome workplace with good friends is bloody brilliant, it makes life SO much better and it’s kind of invaluable in that sense. Having somewhere to go every day that you don’t dread is pretty much my main purpose in life, we have to work so much it’s got to be something you enjoy and that goes much deeper than you’re actual role.

I would probably put a case together for a pay rise and have a really honest chat with your manager, tell them how much your love working there but think you deserve more and see what the vibe is like, maybe you can put together a plan for your growth within the company? If they straight up tell you they can’t and leave you dissatisfied then you’ve got a decision to make, maybe have a look around at other roles, but let me tell you the grass isn’t always greener!

Darcey says…

I’m sorry you are experiencing health anxiety and thank you for writing in and asking for help. Health anxiety is so difficult to navigate and something I struggle with to this day too. I am hyper-aware of any changes in my body and always by default go to the worst possible scenario.

Something my therapist told me that changed my life was that usually when someone has health anxiety, they use this anxiety as a distraction from other anxiety-inducing problems in their lives. That’s not to say that health anxiety isn’t extremely stressful and disruptive, but once I started sitting down with myself and going “okay what’s really making you anxious” did my health anxiety start to improve.

Our minds want to protect us all the time, so by distracting us with a make-believe health issue, we protect ourselves from the more difficult problems we need to face. Try writing down your thoughts and feelings when dealing with these health anxieties, definitely DO NOT google symptoms, Google will always say it’s cancer no matter what you type in, if you can get access to therapy I can’t stress enough how helpful that will be and lastly try meditation to calm the nervous system. Doing these things have helped me and I hope they can help you out too!

Got a problem you’d like help with? Email betweenyouandme@zoella.co.uk

“I changed who I was to put you both first but now I give up.” When Adele released “Easy On Me” – the first song on her long-awaited fourth album 30 – the lyrics hit home for many women who divorced young.

The singer’s experience isn’t unique but due to the stigma and social commentary that often surrounds divorcing at a young age, it felt refreshing for her to be telling that story publicly having made it through the other side; committing both her pain and healing to record in an album millions of women could blast along country lanes, throwing their legal paperwork out the window for years to come.

Here’s the thing: some marriages just don’t work out, regardless of age. A couple were happy until they were not and irreconcilable differences aren’t reserved for the middle-aged.

For women in their 20s and 30s – when the rest of the friendship group are often single, in a relationship or newlywed – leaving their marriage can be a particularly isolating time. The judgement and self-stigma that comes with being the divorced one is unsurprisingly difficult to navigate.

From the messiness that comes with untangling two lives, splitting assets, facing the dissolution of mutual friendship groups and being ‘too young to be divorced but too old to be single’ in the eyes of society, we speak to women about the highs and lows of starting over and the lessons they learnt when they decided to reclaim their happiness.

All names have been changed

Alicia

Can you tell us a little bit about you and your story?

When did you realise your marriage wasn’t going to work? Was there a catalyst that led to the divorce?

I had felt it for a long time but I kept brushing it aside and told myself I was just going through my own stuff and it wasn’t the relationship that was the issue. The main reason for convincing myself of this is because there was nothing explicitly wrong with our relationship that made me want to get out. I just fell out of love with him and it didn’t feel like it once did. It was like living with a good friend.

At your worst, what emotions were you grappling with when you were going through the divorce process? How did it feel getting divorced young?

What did you need most in that moment? If you could go back in time, what would you say to that past you to help her through it?

I needed support. I needed family and people around me who would listen when I wanted to talk but also distract me when I needed it. I did have a select few people who were so supportive, especially the friend I moved in with. If I could go back in time, I would tell the past me that it’s going to be rubbish for a while but that it isn’t your fault, you needed to do this and you will be happy again.

How did you find telling other people about your decision, did you ever feel pressure to stay through fear of other people’s opinions?

It caused a lot of distress for my partner and my family (particularly my mother). For them, it had come out of the blue because nothing was “wrong” in their eyes so nobody understood why I wanted to leave. I stayed for a while longer because of the upset it was causing but also because of the pandemic. When COVID-19 hit, I had nowhere else to go. I knew my grandparents would have taken me in but it was 2020 and I didn’t want to risk spreading anything, so I stayed.

How did your friends and family react when you told them, was there anyone who said you should stick it out because you were young?

I had several people who told me I should stick it out because I was only in my twenties and had only been married a handful of years. I even had a couple of people who told me that I should just try having a baby because it will be something else to focus on. Luckily, I knew that was a ridiculous idea when I was wanting to leave.

Did you ever have doubts about getting a divorce based on other factors outside of the relationship itself (such as financial struggles, children /pets involved) and how it would affect your lifestyle?

What’s different about dating after divorce, how have you found navigating that world as a divorcee?

I have been very lucky to have found someone since I left my partner. I was very open with my situation and what I was going through at the time and he has been incredible. I couldn’t have asked for someone more supportive and understanding. He has been my rock through some tough times already and is a big part of getting me through things. This is just further proof for me that I made the right decision in leaving and that I could be happy again.

Would you ever consider getting married again in the future?

I would consider getting married again. When I got married, I was in love. I don’t feel a need to get married – that doesn’t define the relationship – but I wouldn’t say no. Although, if I got married again, I would want it to be a lot more relaxed and laid-back rather than having a big wedding.

What’s your biggest learning, having come through the other side now?

To trust your gut and do what is right for you. You can’t live your life being unhappy just to please everyone else around you. At the same time, I know some people choose to work on relationships and they happily stay together. For me, I now know this was what was right for me.

Your sage advice for anyone else going through this right now or thinking divorce is the right decision for them?

Find someone you can talk to and get it all out. Getting it out was a massive help for me and is what made me realise I was sticking around for all the wrong reasons.

I’d also want people in this situation to know that even though it will be hard, you will come out the other side and be happy again.

Alicia

Chloe

Can you tell us a little bit about you and your story?

When did you realise your marriage wasn’t going to work, was there a catalyst that led to the divorce?

I realized it when he stopped pursuing me romantically, and when he refused to accommodate my needs as a wife. The night I left, he said straight to my face, “I’m not sure I love you anymore.” The catalyst, in the end, was that I had been warning him to stay away from this one girl in his friend group, all to find out that he’d been having sex with her all along. I had known about her reputation, and he had ensured me that I had nothing to worry about. Turns out, my instincts were correct, and I got played like a fool.

At your worst, what emotions were you grappling with when you were going through the divorce process, how did it feel getting divorced young?

What did you need most at that moment, if you could go back in time, what would you say to that past you to help her through it?

Honestly, I had everything I needed at the right time – family & friends. I wouldn’t change a single thing about that initial healing process because I did what I was supposed to do – I went to the people who meant the most to me and knew they would take care of me unconditionally. It was also their pain & grief (they had all essentially lost a son, brother, friend.) So I was fortunate enough to heal and grieve with the people I hold dearest. I would only go back in time and give myself a hug and say “You did good, and you tried your best. He was right, he didn’t deserve you.”

How did you find telling other people about your decision, did you ever feel pressure to stay through fear of other people’s opinions?

How did your friends and family react when you told them, was there anyone who said you should stick it out because you were young?

All my family and friends were gutted to their core. I’d never seen my parents or sisters more angry in my life, and friends who had learned, questioned their entire relationship with my husband. He had been a part of a lot of people’s lives, and it was as if he’d stabbed a knife in all their backs. Most were in complete shock, because “he was such a great guy! So loving, so charming.” Luckily, everyone was supportive of my leaving him, and knew that I was going to be much better off.

How do you feel about your marriage now, do you have any regrets or are you very much of the mindset that you learn something from every relationship?

I now look at my marriage and know, very confidently, that yes, we were definitely not good for each other. Of course, as soon as I left, all the red flags came flooding forward (from the past 6 years of our romantic relationship.) I’ve also come to the wonderful conclusion that I am, and never will be, the victim. I had done everything right and stayed true to my heart. I was committed, faithful, and hardworking. It is CLEAR as day that my husband was/is the victim of his own crimes, and will forever live in the filth and consequences of his actions. I won’t! It had nothing to do with me, and my life has become my own again. Never again will I sacrifice my emotions or boundaries, and I will respect my heart from now on. I have the freedom to do and say whatever I want, and no one will ever take that away from me again. I am victorious, and he is vile.

Did you ever have doubts about getting a divorce based on other factors outside of the relationship itself (such as financial struggles, children /pets involved) and how it would affect your lifestyle?

Yes, before I found out about him cheating, I did everything in my power to avoid divorce (which I why I stayed for so many months.) I couldn’t let a marriage end after 1 year! What would my friends and family think, they’d be so confused and disappointed!

So I started to blame myself, and he helped me right along. He let me believe that the reason why he’d been so distant from our marriage was because of my constant anxiety and lack of motivation to do the things he wanted to do- adapt to his lifestyle, be more athletic, drinking until your drunk, essentially all things spontaneous and irresponsible. So I tried to fight for as long as I could because I was under the impression that it was all my fault. As for pets, we did have a dog together, and I often thought, “well, if we split up, what would happen to Lady?” In the end, we let my in-laws adopt her, because I couldn’t afford her on my own, and my husband didn’t want anything to do with her. That’s another slap across the face that comes and goes.

What’s different about dating after divorce, how have you found navigating that world as a divorcee?

Because it’s still quite fresh, I’ve decided to wait as long as I can. I need some time on my own to rebuild the soul that he chipped away at for so long. Lots of insecurities that didn’t exist before him, and lots of love that I need to give back to myself that he took away. It wouldn’t be fair to find a new partner during this time, because my journey would become theirs, and that’s not a responsibility that I feel is fair to give to someone else right now.

When the time to date again does come around, I’ll be honest and brave about my story, and I will remind myself of my worth. I will only be with someone who accepts my truths, and never compromises my mental health.

Chloe

Would you ever consider getting married again in the future?

Yes, I would. However, it most likely would just be a very sweet, romantic elopement. I did the wedding bit, and I don’t want to make my friends and family go through that again – I don’t even want to. I wouldn’t even want a bridal shower or a bachelorette party. It’s unfortunately lost its shine, and I’m fine not ever experiencing it again.

What’s your biggest learning, having come through the other side now?

That I deserve the love that I give. I should never settle for something that causes me pain. Cheating is for cowardly, self-hating, pathetic souls. The victims of a crime as heinous as abuse are those who cause the abuse. The ones who suffer have done nothing wrong, and it’s my deepest soul’s desire to ensure that everyone knows that. You are not what someone else has put you through. You are only what you decide to be, and how you choose to go forward, not back.

Your sage advice for anyone else going through this right now or thinking divorce is the right decision for them?

Please read the signs as soon as possible, and literally speak to anyone about it. Your family, friends, therapist, or even your colleagues. I thought I could do it on my own, and I let myself wallow in self-pity and disdain, and I let my abuser take over. I’d been completely blindsided, and had lost all hope. When I did finally tell someone, it was like a wave of relief came washing over me, and I finally felt all my emotional bondage being cut off – I was free, and I was safe.

I often heard the saying, “if he wanted to, he would.” I never realized what this truly meant, and now I do.

Chloe

If you don’t see your partner giving your relationship the SAME amount of attention & energy that you are producing, and you have to ASK them to step up, they don’t want to, and most likely never will. Your partnership should be a co-dependant union, but at the same time, a safe space for your independent journey to flourish as well (and your partner should be there to support and encourage.) If you feel like they don’t love you, they don’t. In those moments, confrontation is so important, and you should fight for your boundaries to be respected. If your hearts aren’t in alignment, it’s time to go.

Bella

Can you tell us a little bit about you and your story?

My name is Bella and I’m coming up on my 30th birthday,I now live with my boyfriend and his little girl who we have every other week. I work full time and I also have endometriosis and PCOS and struggle with pain daily and it’s getting worse, as nothing is working.

I lost a family member and it started to put the cracks into our relationship, I left him, and lived at my then best friend’s house and met someone else who I thought was good for me but wasn’t. After that my health started to go down the drain so I had to quit my job and I moved back and we tried again, after having a discussion. Once I got my health a bit back on track, I got another full-time job which is perfect for me and I still work in the company now, then I noticed the cracks again and then in 2019 I left him for good and moved back to the share-house. I then got with my current partner and we’ve since moved in together. I’ve had to wait 2 years before I could file for divorce, and in 2021 I filed.

When did you realise your marriage wasn’t going to work, was there a catalyst that led to the divorce?

Lots of things resulted in it but the moment I realised it was over was when we moved into our house and he kept accusing me of having affairs, phoning me when I was at work events and ruining the nights with it, then there was the fact he didn’t want to come with me to see family or be bothered with them.

My health was deteriorating and I didn’t seem to get any support. He got jealous of me being successful in my career, he was happy to spend my money and I couldn’t or I had to send something back so he could afford what he wanted. Then The biggest thing is before we got married I fell pregnant, and he told me I either had to get rid of it or we couldn’t be together, which looking back now I was so in love I did whatever he wanted and now because of my health I can’t have children and that has destroyed me. I can now easily look back and think what was I doing with someone like that who liked to control me, so many things led to it all.

At your worst, what emotions were you grappling with when you were going through the divorce process, how did it feel getting divorced young?

What did you need most in that moment, if you could go back in time, what would you say to that past you to help her through it?

If I could go back I would say to be strong and get the divorce the first time we spilt. I had my friends and family for support the whole time.

How did you find telling other people about your decision, did you ever feel a pressure to stay through fear of other people’s opinions?

I was nervous to tell them at first I thought they would all say I failed, but once I told them they were fully supportive and were surprised it took so long, as they could see the problems before me. But obviously, no one could tell me that, I had to figure it out myself.

How did your friends and family react when you told them, was there anyone who said you should stick it out because you were young?

All friends and family were fully supportive and any worries they were right there, my work also helped support me through it all as well. I have been very lucky in that aspect.

How do you feel about your marriage now, do you have any regrets or are you very much of the mindset that you learn something from every relationship?

I will never regret it as I wouldn’t be me without that experience and I wouldn’t have my job now, be with the man I love, or have the friends and family without them. But I do regret parts of it and for letting myself stay in a situation that changed me for the bad.

Did you ever have doubts about getting a divorce based on other factors outside of the relationship itself (such as financial struggles, children /pets involved) and how it would affect your lifestyle?

No, if you’re not happy and it can’t be resolved or it’s affecting your mental health or being harmed then you should definitely not stay in that as it doesn’t help anyone and will make things worse.

What’s different about dating after divorce, how have you found navigating that world as a divorcee?

I know what I want now, and I can take as much time as I want. I have also found that my marriage and how I was treated, left me damaged and questioning if I am allowed to do it now after I wasn’t allowed to before, so I’m having to adjust that I can do stuff I want. I’ve also found that I want to share my emotions and thoughts better now as well.

Would you ever consider getting married again in the future?

I said no at the start but I suppose the better words are ‘never say never’ as I don’t know what I may want in the future, but I do know I won’t be so quick to do it again.

What’s your biggest learning, having come through the other side now?

That I am my own person and no one can control you and you do what you want, as I am allowed to be happy.

Your sage advice for anyone else going through this right now or thinking divorce is the right decision for them?

My advice to others is don’t be afraid, there are people out there if you’re scared or if you need help, and I know love is a strong feeling but you need to live the life you want, not feel suffocated and unhappy.

Jasmine

Can you tell us a little bit about you and your story? 

I’m 25 years old (26 in a few weeks) and I’m from Estonia. I was married to a guy from Syria for 3.5 years. I got married one day before my 22nd birthday. Got divorced at 25. I’ll try to explain our story as shortly as possible. I could keep talking about this for hours, probably could even write a book!

So, in 2017 I did my internship in Spain and my best friend and I ended up talking to some random Syrian guys on the streets of Madrid. The same guys took us to a shisha bar the next day and there I ended up meeting my future husband. It was a week before I finished my internship and had to return back home. But we got close enough that week and after being back home for 2 months, I went back to Spain for a week to visit him and his family.

Two months later I graduated from school and bought a one-way ticket to Spain to stay with him. Crazy, right? I stayed with him for the whole summer and it was fine until reality kicked in and then it was too late already. As you might guess, he was religious, a Muslim. I wasn’t. Not that I have anything against religion and Muslims, I just wasn’t raised in that environment and they tried to change it. Change me.

At first, I was too afraid to say no, so I ended up getting married to him in a mosque by their rules and apparently that made me a Muslim too. They, meaning him and his family, tried to make me pray, get dressed by their rules, eat by their rules, do everything by their rules. By the end of summer, I decided to return back home to start a new job and he came back with me. So, I was working and he was living at my place, as he was a refugee from Syria, he didn’t have European citizenship, just a refugee passport from Spain. In order for him to stay in my country and be able to work, we had to get married. For real this time, it was official.

When did you realise your marriage wasn’t going to work, was there a catalyst that led to the divorce?

This marriage of mine was a mess from the first day, so even at the moment I said ‘yes’, I knew that this wasn’t going to last. The moment I realised that this marriage wasn’t going to work was the moment we got married. The catalyst that led to the divorce was when we had the baby and I went through all of this on my own, with zero support from him.

The most difficult part was getting him to agree on that because in their culture it’s a great shame for a man if his wife decides to leave him, but I knew what I wanted and I wasn’t afraid anymore.  

At your worst, what emotions were you grappling with when you were going through the divorce process, how did it feel getting divorced young? 

For the whole marriage I was under the pressure of his mental abuse. He was a really toxic person who liked to blame everything on me and never agreed or admitted to his mistakes.It was a relief for me getting that divorce. 

What did you need most in that moment, if you could go back in time, what would you say to that past you to help her through it? 

At that moment I needed strength and support from my family and friends. I’d tell my past self: “You go girl! It might seem impossible at the moment but it gets better! You’ll get through this!” 

How did you find telling other people about your decision, did you ever feel a pressure to stay through fear of other people’s opinions? 

Telling other people was easy and relieving. Actually chatting and discussing this with others gave me strength to go through with it, I was never afraid of what others might think of it.  

How did your friends and family react when you told them, was there anyone who said you should stick it out because you were young? 

My friends and family were relieved and happy about my decision because they saw how I was suffering in this marriage. Of course his family and friends were the ones telling me to stay married, try to stay together for the baby etc. 

How do you feel about your marriage now, do you have any regrets or are you very much of the mindset that you learn something from every relationship? 

There are days I regret getting married so quickly, so young, so unsurely. But then there are days when I think about everything I went through and what I learned from it. It’s given me the strength to only go for what I want and not settle for anything less.  

Did you ever have doubts about getting a divorce based on other factors outside of the relationship itself (such as financial struggles, children /pets involved) and how it would affect your lifestyle? 

Everyone kept telling me to stay married because of the baby, but my opinion is that it’s much better for a child to live with divorced parents who are happier on their own than to live with married parents who are constantly arguing and not happy with their lives.

Jasmine

Coming from a family where parents stayed together only for the children, I know how it affects children’s lives and mental health. I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember and discussing this with my psychiatrist, we came to the conclusion that all of this was because of unhealthy environment in my childhood and I wouldn’t want that for my child. 

What’s different about dating after divorce, how have you found navigating that world as a divorcee? 

You’re more careful and notice all the red flags much faster after divorce. You don’t rush into relationships so quickly anymore, for me navigating this world as a divorcee has been quite easy. I’m in a happy relationship with a friend of mine who I’ve known for the whole time I was married. I thought being a divorced single mother would be a major red flag for guys but my boyfriend knew what he was getting into and he accepted me and my life the way it is.  

Would you ever consider getting married again in the future? 

Yeah, of course. But only if I knew that person well enough and was sure this was the person I want to spend my future with.  

What’s your biggest learning, having come through the other side now? 

Don’t rush things. Take it easy and see where life takes you. Stay true to yourself, nobody has the right to change you. If they don’t accept you the way you are, they’re not worth being with you. 

Your sage advice for anyone else going through this right now or thinking divorce is the right decision for them? 

You can do it! It might seem difficult and stressful but in the end you’ll feel relieved for getting through this. Also talk to others, find support. And learn how to put yourself first. 

PSA: You don’t start declining as soon as you’re eligible for your first smear test.

Reaching the ripe young age of 30 doesn’t have to mean retiring your bucket list, freezing your eggs, walking around with a Zimmer frame and never experiencing Glastonbury ever again. 

Whether it’s backpacking through Asia, getting married or having kids – you should do things when they feel right for you, not because society or a listicle on the internet made you believe your twenties are the pinnacle of happiness and success. Forget 30 before 30 lists, age is but a number and you are never too old to realise your dreams.  

The idea that the world is your oyster but only until you’re 29 is BS. So, please enjoy this myriad of milestones you absolutely *don’t* have to tick off by the time you’re 30, because you can be the best version of yourself at any age.

1. Have children. You are child-free not child-less <3 

2. Have your shit together all the time. Every year presents a new opportunity for growth, if everything’s constantly in place there’s no room for self-development.

3. Settle down. Whoever said 30 was the year we have to freeze our eggs and stop *living* was respectfully a sad little misogynist. 

4. Love your body unconditionally. It’s ok for you to merely accept your body as an ever-changing, fluctuating form. It’s an instrument not an ornament. 

5. Spend excessive hours in the gym because you don’t want people to think you’ve let yourself go. In the words of Alex Light, sometimes letting yourself go is the most powerful thing you can do. Did you let yourself go, or did you let yourself live!? 

6. Travel the world. If you’re a homebody, be a homebody. You don’t have to go travelling to experience defining moments in your life. A coffee with a friend or a walk to your favourite park never looks the same. The view is always changing, and you can have revolutionary epiphanies in the most ordinary places. 

7. Lose weight for your wedding. The dress needs to fit you, not the other way round. 

8. Stop wearing the clothes that make you happy. Pass me the f*cking balaclava already. 

9. Find your dream job. You don’t have to have your entire career trajectory mapped out. 

10. Say yes to everything. No is a complete sentence at 20, 30, 40 and beyond. 

11. Look like you did when you were 18. Faces, bodies, skin – it all changes. 

12. Start a business. Vera Wang didn’t sell a dress until she was 40. Toni Morrison wrote her first novel at 39. Ray Kroc created McDonald’s when he was 52. You can take risks and connect with your entrepreneurial spirit whenever your soul demands it. 

13. Get casual sex out your system. You are free to enjoy good unattached sex at any age if that’s what makes you happy. 

14. Find the one. Contrary to what society would have you believe, romantic joy doesn’t expire when you reach your 30s and marriage and babies are not the talismans of success. 

15. Own a dog. You’d ideally need a garden for that and we all know what a rare breed they are. Friends with dogs are where it’s at. 

16. Stop making mistakes. Slip-ups happen when you’re in the ‘Overs’ category too ya know. 

17. Go out all the time because you won’t when you’re 30. Erm, two words. Bottomless Brunch. 

18. Have a five-year plan. Lol. As the last two years have demonstrated, living in the present is all we can really do. 

19. Own a property. That’s it, that’s the tweet. 

20. Make all the friends or else be a hermit forevermore. Not so. Making friends when you’re an adult can be daunting but you can also find some of the deepest most meaningful connections with like-minded people in later life when you’ve got a whole decade of emotional baggage to bond over. What’s more, friendships that last for a season can be just as transformational to your life as long term ones. 

21. Be in the best shape of your life. If it sounds a bit excessive it’s because it is. There are so many variables at play when it comes to physical health, at any age. Maybe you’re living with chronic pain, maybe you’ve had bottom surgery, maybe you’re agoraphobic. You don’t always have to be on the move to be moving. When someone is in the ‘best shape of their lives’ (translation: closest to society’s standard of beauty), their minds might be at their worst. Here’s something to carry through to your 30s – let go of the weight of other people’s opinions about your body. Why do they care?! If they have a reaction to your body, that’s on them. 

22. Hustle and network or lose out on opportunities. Not all professional openings have to come from sticking yourself in a room full of industry greats and forcing yourself to meet people. Someone could stumble on an article you have written and get in touch, or you might go to an intimate book club meet up and strike up a random conversation with an author. Careers change and evolve way beyond your 20s and chance meetings can be just as instrumental for both your personal and professional growth. 

23. Stay the same person forever. Klaxon: You’re allowed to change, no matter how uncomfortable that change makes someone else. If the person you’re becoming doesn’t match up to someone else’s perceived idea of who you are or the role you play in their life, then so be it. 

24. Get into yoga. If anything, starting later in life makes more sense because that’s when simply daring to sleep on your neck means you must spend two weeks turning your whole body to look at someone.  

25. Master TikTok. Enjoying it from afar is as good as catching the vibe gets. 

26. Run a marathon. Move in whatever way brings you the most joy. If that means running 26.2 miles then go for it, but if that sounds a lot like violence then you’ll be forgiven for signing up for Burlesque classes instead. 

27. Find a signature style. If low rise jeans can make a comeback, anything can happen. Let your fashion flow, grow and fail too. 

28. Learn to cook. Listen, if you’ve got a roast dinner and a mean spag bol in your repertoire, you’ll go far. If you fancy expanding your culinary skills for dinner parties and bougie gatherings with Whispering Angel aplenty, then by all means book in for a few classes and have fun with it. 

29. Get Botox. Sure, it’s a preventative blah blah blah but your face, your rules. You don’t have to be pressured into doing anything you’re not comfortable with. 

30. Be financially savvy. It doesn’t matter how good you get at keeping receipts and organising invoices, a tax return will never not maim you. 

Spoiler alert: you can be your own Valentine. Take a deep breath, open up that ‘single and thriving’ vision board, and let go of society’s bias that prioritises romantic love above all. Because as much as receiving an extravagant bunch of flowers to your door (cue your housemate’s ‘awww’s and ‘ooh’s), know that being able to rely on yourself for love, respect and treats along the way is always a safer position to be in than seeking validation from external sources. Buy the flowers, chocolates, takeaway and wine and know that the enjoyment of those things is not reliant on a partner to provide them!

So whether you’re feeling single and empowered or are mourning a recent break-up and are in need of a pick-me-up, we’ve compiled a list of the best ‘to me, from me’ self-love gifts to warm your heart this February. Transform your room into the calming oasis you deserve with a Himalayan salt lamp or new candle, or treat yourself to the gift of relaxation with a spa day or fancy bubble bath, whatever helps you feel your best and most special, now’s the time to do it! 

Repeat after us: I am enough, just as I am.

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